I have four kids. Sometimes it feels like forty. Sometimes, when they’re climbing all over me, or piling out of our big ‘ol SUV, or all crammed into one tiny shopping cart…it looks like forty. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked the question: “Are they all yours?”
And there are families out there who are much bigger. My husband and I both come from families with five children. My mom came from a family of five children and his mom came from a family of nine children. You could say big families are all we know.
Above: My big, humongous, happy family on last summer’s family vacation.
Sometimes I feel like I need to apologize for my big family—apologize for having so many kids. Like when we go to a restaurant and one kid is crawling on the floor, another is dumping out the sugar packets, one child is plunging his hand into the water glass, bobbing for ice cubes, and the last kid is picking his nose and pointing his prize at the server when she comes to take our order.
“Are all these darling things yours?” she queries as she wrinkles her nose just enough for me to notice.
And I feel like I have to apologize for wanting a big family. I feel like I owe her an apology for choosing to have four vibrant little beings who make me laugh every single day and surprise me with their wit, their kindness, and their unique spirits.
I don’t want to feel like that anymore.
Every time I brave the grocery store with four small children in tow, I get plenty of looks–some of sympathy, some of understanding, and some of disapproval. Like, “Hey lady, have you heard of birth control?” I try my best to hurry and get my list done with the least amount of damage. But (and parents with multiple children will understand), there will inevitably be someone standing up in the cart, a jar of pickles pulled off the shelf and shattered on the floor. There will be a tantrum or two, an open package of Oreos being eaten. There will be messy faces from said Oreos, and there will be one worn-out mama scurrying around picking up debris and muttering “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…Oops, I’m sorry!” at every step of the way.
I don’t want to apologize anymore.
The next time someone asks if they’re all mine, instead of saying, “Yes, I’m sorry, they’re kind of crazy…” I’m going to hold my head high and say, “Yep! They’re all mine, and aren’t they awesome?“
There is absolutely nothing wrong, or nothing weird about having a large family. In fact, having a big family is pretty awesome. So, in defense of large families, here are 15 fantastic perks about coming from a big family!
15 Fantastic Perks of Big Families
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You ALWAYS have a friend.
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If you’re lucky, you can have enough for your own basketball team (or volleyball, or baseball, or heck…even football if you’re ambitious).
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Hide and Seek is way more fun!
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You can get group discounts at nearly every entertainment center.
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You never have to ask, “I’m bored, what should we do?”
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Many hands make light work. One great benefit of having many children is that they can help clean up (usually the messes they make, but who can complain?), and if you want to teach them further valuable life skills, you assign them the duties you don’t want to do (like sanitizing garbage cans and polishing baseboards!).
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You really score on your tax return.
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Give them a few years and you’ll have your own built-in babysitters!
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Family vacations are a BLAST!
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Christmas morning is one big happy party.
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Coming from a big family, you learn valuable life lessons like sharing, caring, responsibility, and friendship.
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Someone’s always got your back.
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You are never lacking for great conversation.
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You only have to buy something once and it can be used many, many times (we love hand-me-downs!).
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If you ever wonder, “How could I possibly love another child as much?”–don’t worry a second about it. Your heart grows and grows with an incredible love for each child. The love in your heart expands farther than you ever thought possible.
The amount of children you choose to have is a personal choice. Personally, I think children are amazing, beautiful little additions to any partnership, whether you have one or ten.
So next time you see a mom like me in the grocery store who’s trying her best to keep it together amidst a sea of children, give her a smile and a hand. It will mean the world to her. And parents of big families, own them. Every single one of them. Say, “Yes, they’re all mine! Aren’t they awesome.”
Having a big family means BIG fun – or it can, with a few hacks and a bit of luck 😉 Check out a few of our all-time favorite parenting tips:
How to make your home a friendship factory- give those sibling rivalries the boot!
Fostering emotional intelligence in our children
How “Mean” parents raise Grateful Kids: 5 things to STOP doing
Heather Walker says
I agree! There are tons of benefits to having a large family! (although going out to dinner is not one of my favorites haha:)
Nicolette says
Ahem…yes…we order in as much as possible!
Miriam G says
Thank you for a beautiful article. You mirror my feelings exactly!
I just had my 6th baby, thanks G-d! People question me all the time: on the street, in the elevator, at the doctor. I feel like they are accusing me of something. Why do they care? It’s not like they are the ones not sleeping at night or dealing with mess and screaming non stop….
Why can’t they be happy or at least respectful of my choices?
BTW Grocery shopping is something I never do with all kids. I try to do it when they are not home, or with not more than 2 kids with me. I’d rather starve than go with all of them, it’s way too stressful!
Mylynda says
I don’t have a big family but I came from one & it was nice. I do have 2 kids & get questions all the time because they are 6 years apart. It is just as annoying having someone ask “why did you wait so long?” or “do they have the same Dad?” I think everyone just has to do what they are happy with & people need to keep their questions to themselves.
Judi says
I got asked didn’t I think 3 kids were enough and that it’s probably time to stop having kids. ??
Bill says
The reactions come from lots of people might be about the sustainability of the planet as we head towards 10 billion in our lifetimes. I know thats what I think when I see a 8mpg suburban dumping out kids playing hockey in the summer.
American kids have 10x the ecological footprint as people in developing countries. Sure its great to get what you want but we share a planet. The planet is not growing and all the resources for more Americans have to come from somewhere.
Jan says
We have 5 kids and YES we drive a suburban. We simply outgrew our minivan. And yes, we plan on having more children and we believe they are a beautiful gift from God. The world is not going to last forever no matter how much we worry about our footprint. We recycle, pick up trash, plant trees and a garden etc but sorry, we chose also to drive a suburban. Happy medium.
Nicolette says
Love your outlook! Thanks for sharing!
Chloe Crabtree says
What a blessing your family is and how blessed you are to have them. Having come from a family of three girls, sadly we lost my baby sister at birth. I wanted to have a large family, but alas, it was not meant to be. Love and enjoy your family, every single one of them!
Nicolette says
You are the sweetest. Thank you for that perspective as well. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Jasmin says
I have five lil ones, 24, 17, 13, 11, & 2 year olds…I love my big family!!! I totally agree with you Nicolette. I would love more but baby factory is closed being 47 🙁 I love being mom to all my five babies 🙂 lol
Nicolette says
The BEST! Thanks for commenting!
Angelina Hills says
I’m a proud mummy to 5! Its bedlam most of the time usually fuelled by my eldest son he has ADHD and other needs so is always a huge ball of excitement, he is 12, the rest are 7yrs, 6yrs, 3yrs and 18 months. I love my amazing big family.
Thank you for the lovely article it made me proud to be mum to such awesomeness!
Nicolette says
Thank YOU Angelina!
Diana says
Love this in so many ways! I have 4 littles and I am constantly apologizing…you perfectly described my life and I too am going to stop apologizing!
Lynn says
I love big families. I grew up in one. But your description was about more than a big family. You described things that can happen in any size family. You should never apologize for having a family, no matter the size. But, yes, curtesy and conscience would advise that you ( and the offender) apologize when your family breaks things, causes messes that others will have to clean, or generally intrudes. I commend you bravery and love for having and taking your children on so many outings. They are great opportunities to teach and enjoy.
Nicolette says
Thank you Lynn.
Debi says
I don’t think 5 or 6 kids is too large a family. When you start into double digits in your kids, you may be going too far. As long as you take care of them – feed, house, get them medical help, and love them (etc), it’s fine by me. However, when you use public assistance for anything, and you start telling others how to live their lives because they don’t have as many kids, or because they use birth control, you’re out of line. If you don’t get holier-than-thou on me, I won’t on you.
Melissa says
You have a lovely family. I don’t think 4 is too much. I have 2 and get plenty of looks as it is. They are 2 years apart (2.8 years & 9 months old) and so many people look at me and say, “you have your hands full.” Sometimes it’s in a nice way, but most of the time is not the nicest. It bothered me for awhile, then I decided to just smile and say, “yes, I do. ” because I do, but it’s not a bad thing. Yes, frustrating at times, but we chose to have the kids this close. I love my kids and wouldn’t change anything.
Nicolette says
Thank you. I love your outlook:)
C says
Some of the looks you get might be from people wishing they could have that many children. We have lost 2 babies, and been able to have 2 still with us, and I always see big families and try to not look at them with jealousy, but it is difficult. So, some of the looks that might be seen as disapproving might really be from people trying not to cry. Just a thought.
Nicolette says
Thank you for bringing that perspective to my attention. There should be no judgements on either side of this issue. My heart aches for people such as yourself who have lost children. Much love to you and thank you for reminding us that some of those looks might be out of pain or heartache.
Jennifer says
Not only do I have 5 children they are all girls yes 5 girls!!!! The looks i get and the questions are sometimes out right ridiculous but I always say with pride yes they are all mine aren’t they beautiful!!!!! The best is do they all have the same dad ugh yes they do!!!! Thank k you for this article big familys are so much fun!!!!
Joy Oliver says
Thank you! This is so great! I have five kids and I get so many comments. Most of them are rude comments. I love my children and am so grateful for them even when they make me want to pull my hair out.
Kristy says
I have four children also. They were born within 6 1/2 years of each other. They are 14, 13, 10, and 8. You’re very right.. dynamics changed once our elder two began babysitting! It was chaotic at the younger, diapers, sippy cups, strollers age… but as they grew out of needing those things, life simplified and it is just amazing now. (It was amazing then, but I mean, like seriously amazing now!) Every one can play in each other’s games, every one laughs at each other’s jokes. The kids are all very close to each other. It really is built in friendships! There’s no, “ah watch out for the baby!” shrieks from the parents watching older ones *almost* plow over the youngers. My teenagers haven’t hit the snarky stage yet either (knock on wood) and my young ones are so much more self sufficient now… it’s like this glorious little “pillow” right now! hold on! Your family is so beautiful and just precious and the chaotic years vanish eventually and you won’t get the crazy questions as much then. My favorite response to the “Wow, your hands are full!” was “Yep, and so is my heart!” 😉
Yuliya says
Your comment is just so beautiful! My kids are about same ages as yours except at a different stage: 5, 3, 1.5 and fourth due soon and I’ve spend my nights worrying and praying and crying because it seems like I might not be able to handle all this but I loved reading your post and it gave me peace to look forward to what you described and enjoy the now, as it is. I’ve heard all the wonderfully encouraging words, yet it is hard to just let go of the unknown. Thank you for your comment, Kristy! And thank you for your blog, Nicolette!
Nicolette says
Thanks Yuliya…that is so sweet.
Tara says
I don’t think it’s a matter of having many children, per se. The restaurant example- maybe the waitress wrinkled her nose because your children were misbehaving. I have three kids of my own and none of that occurs when we go out to eat or shop. I am also a waitress and have served many large families with lots of children. Most of the time, the children do not throw food or break things or throw tantrums. Once in a while, however, you see a large family who lets their children make a DISASTER of the table/area and the parents not only do nothing to correct the behavior but also set a bad example by not lifting a finger to try to clean any of it. It’s all a matter of different perceptions and if in the short minutes someone else observes a family all they see is that it’s large and unruly and showing no respect for their surroundings, then judgey looks will inevitably float over their faces.
carla says
I think everyone should stay out of everyone’s family planning. My husband and I were not planning on having kids of our own and were going to foster adopt. We were getting ready for our first child, when we found out I was pregnant. We always heard the ” when are you going to have children?” “When are you going to give her a sibling?” Etc, Etc, Etc. I do not come from a big family, I definitely do not understand it, but hey, if you can provide for all our offspring, that is all that matters.
We like to travel and know that we would not be able to do that if we had more kids. With the one we have, we travel yearly, and next year planning on 2 trips.
To each his own.
Jason says
I usually tell people they should be thankful for big families since those are the earners who will keep (or try to keep) Social Security solvent. Never mind the fact that we need 2.3 children per woman to keep society at replacement level. And now we’re at 2 per woman (WE’RE SHRINKING!)
So keep having those kids, our nation depends on it!
Joshua jones says
I have 5 myself and have never dealt with issues like yours as far as acting like brats everywhere we go. I would be giving you sideways glances also not because of the size but for your lack of parenting. Sure I get those questions about my 5, but I also get compliments all the time for having such well behaved children. I think you need to reevaluate why people are giving you those looks and why they are asking if they are all yours because it isn’t because of the number of them!
Aj says
I think an important missing point is:/ have as many kids as you want as long as you can provide for them. They need love, but also attention and money!
Fran says
We are expecting our 7th child. Busy is how we roll. Lol. My only problem with big families ( mine specifically) is how people stare or assume my teenagers are my lesbian lover or husband. Lol. I guess I’ll take it as a compliment that I’m aging better than I feel. Lol. More people I run into are in awe of our big family and congratulate us on facing the challenge. Cheers and blessings
Julia says
I’m just astonished that four is considered large! I’d consider that a good sized family. 6+, that’s large.
I’m hoping to make it to four, myself, but not there, yet. Seeing my kids play together so beautifully, it just fills my heart. It totally makes up for always having a train of followers and falling over little people whenever I turn.
You’ve got beautiful kids, and you shouldn’t spare a thought on what those sad people think.
Mea says
My hubby and I (married 18 years now) have 5 children. Yes….together. As in they are ours. That’s another thing people cant believe. “You CHOSE to have this many children together???!!!?” When people ask ‘why’ questions like this or embarrassing ones like “You do know what cause that right?”…I fire right back with a response that us equally uncomfortable for them…. “Have you SEEN how HOT my husband is???” That silences them pretty quickly lol.
My husband I always joke around that by having so many kids, we are investing in our retirement. It increases our odds of having someone to take care of us someday. 🙂 You have a beautiful family!
Carolyn says
As the mother of 12, I was surprised about your description of a “big family” of four. Definitely not invalidating your experience but I’m curious where you live? While my family is definitely an outlier, most of the families in my rural West Michigan area have three or four children. Your family would not even be remarkable. It’s interesting, and shows how there is probably social and cultural diversity when it comes to family size based on where you live.