If the above picture makes you laugh, it does me too. But it didn’t at the time, in fact, about 30 minutes before that picture was taken, there was a huge battle being waged about what NOT to wear in public. You can see who won that battle.
The thing I love about parenting, and writing about parenting, is that I’m always learning a lesson. I am an eternal student of the University of Parenting, and it is continually kicking my proverbial butt.
Over the years, and with each child, I’ve learned when to stick to my guns, and when to wave the white flag. Some battles are worth waging, and some are simply not worth the fight. In fact, here are four battles that might actually prove beneficial to let your children win.
1. The Food Fight
From the time she first spewed pureed beans all over my white blouse, this picky, head-strong cutie and I have had brutal tug-of-wars when it comes to getting her to eat. So many parent/children fights are fought over food–dating back to when Adam and Eve introduced the first pesky brussels sprout to their scantily clad brood. But according to the Mayo Clinic, meal time should never become a battle.
Even if your small child only wants chicken nuggets, or would rather play than eat, the Mayo Clinic recommends not stressing about it too much; most kids get adequate nutrition in the course of a week. Let your picky eater win this battle, otherwise, mealtimes will become associated with stress, anxiety, and frustration.
The day I decided to back down from the food fight, the stress of meal times immediately diffused. She still loves noodles and pizza, but when I stopped insisting she try everything on her plate, she actually started trying it on her own. My two cents: just keep trying, and as your picky eater matures, you may win the war.
2. The Clothing Wars
The Thirty Years’ War has nothing on the clothing war that you’ll probably wage for at least as long if you have multiple children with vibrant and stubborn personalities who want to dress themselves. I have three of them who are frequently found on the “What Not To Wear” list. Mismatched socks, snow boots in July, tacky prints mixed with other tacky prints, usually topped off with bold accessories like feather boas or swim goggles. Yup, I’m that mom.
Before children, I looked critically at toddlers in the supermarket wearing poofy tutus, leopard print pants, and rain coats. I thought, “What kind of mom lets her kid go out in public like that?” And now I know–one like myself who has realized the explosions and waterworks just aren’t worth the fight. Tip-toeing through a field of land mines would be easier.
But letting your kids win the clothing battle is not just about giving in to avoid a fight. Amy McCready of Positive Parenting Solutions says in this Today Parents article, “Parents have to ask themselves: What is the most important thing…that [my child] looks cute? Or is it that she develops autonomy and has some say so in the world?”
I’d like to think that by letting my children have some say in what they wear lets them practice their independence and creativity. Heck, if my daughter can pull off the above look with a huge grin on her face, then she is building self-confidence that will aid her in years to come!
3. The Friend Battles
Probably one of the most stressful skirmishes parents have with their children is over the type of friends they choose. Allowing kids to choose their own friends is terrifying because a) they might choose the wrong friends, b) they may too easily influenced by those friends, and c) no matter what you do, your kids will choose their own friends anyway.
Battling over friends, or forcing your child to like or play with someone you choose will only alienate them. If your child has a friend you don’t particularly like, authors Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott of Positive Discipline recommend inviting that person into your home often so that a positive influence can be felt. You can also talk to your kids about the qualities of a good friend and then have faith in them to choose wisely.
4. The Attack of the Killer Mentors
When my daughter wanted to take dance class over soccer, I brushed her off, pretended I didn’t hear her. My husband and I were both athletes, and naturally, our genetics would trickle down to our little protégés. To me, dancing was frivolous and so…girly. And thus we signed her up for soccer. Besides, she was only five; how did she know what she wanted be good at?
But after weeks of tears and heavy cajoling before every soccer game, I realized maybe I should wave the white flag and let her explore other options that she was interested in. Maybe I should let her take…gulp…dance.
As parents, we want our kids to be like us. We want them to love the things we love so we can share something in common. Essentially, we want to live our lives over again, through fresh new eyes and younger bodies. But sometimes we push our mentorship too hard to the point where they break.
Letting kids win the battle of which activities they choose to participate in allows them to explore their individuality and find their own passions, not just ours.
Each of my four children are so different, and the struggles I have with one are non-issues with another. When figuring out which battles are worth the fight, I have to continually ask myself, “Is this hurting anyone?” Is it hurting anyone when my son wants to wear his swim goggles to Target? Absolutely not.
So now when I see little boys wearing superhero capes, or little girls in Cinderella costumes, I think, “Rock on mama, rock on!”
Megan says
My now 10 year son wore a football helmet EVERYWHERE for almost a year when he was about 2. It drew lots of comments but him being my 4th child, that didn’t bother me. In retrospect, I think it made him more comfortable in public because he was quite shy. That was his way of dealing with the “isn’t he cute
Nicolette says
Yes! Love that you let him be himself. Thanks for sharing.
Missy says
YES! love this. Great reminders to just take it easy sometimes – don’t sweat the small stuff, right? Funny about dance as I am just the opposite – a couple years ago, I couldn’t figure out why my daughter wanted to play soccer and not dance! Now she just wants to do everything…which is a whole other can of worms. These pictures are adorable by the way.
Nicolette says
Funny Missy, and thanks. I was the kid who wanted to do everything too, and my parents were really great to give me lots of diversified experiences, but they also had to put their foot down when it became too much.
Aleesha says
I can’t like this article enough! I have 2 boys who pretty much let me dress them with relatively few battles, and eat what I put in front of them without much fuss. Then along came #3 and she is INDEPENDENT with a capital I…All caps actually. She dresses like a disaster for school everyday, and I keep waiting for her teacher to call and make sure we have enough money to buy her proper shoes, because even though I bought her nice NEW boots- she still insists on wearing the raggedy old ones with holes in the toes. And I let her. But her smile is so bright that it outshines her crazy outfits. Just like your daughter 🙂
Nicolette says
Ha ha! I hear you LOUD and CLEAR! We have the same issues with shoes! I’m sure people think we live in the looney bin from the way she dresses sometimes. Too funny:)
Tammy says
I grew up a member of the “clean plate club” and have always battled my weight. My sister came six years later and the pediatrician told my mom “they’ll eat when they are hungry” – she was always thin. I never even made my daughter take “one more bite”! She stops when she’s full and all is well!! 🙂
I had another mother tell me once that (if the kiddo looks bad) “all mother’s know that either the dad or the child is responsible)!! Relieved a lot of stress for this mama!!!! 🙂
mother if five says
I have five kids and much to horror of my husband who was being color coordinated by his mom till he was 18 and even now ! I always let them choose what they want to it doesn’t bother me thst my twins don’t match amd my kids don’t even look like they’re related let alone ! Of the food battle I’ve learnt one on normal good days all kids feed themselves es and are content but when I’m extremely busy or they have been neglected coz of friends family visits I don’t mind feeding them they get fed amd my job is ! So no cranky hungry kids never affects them in the long run.n…
J says
When their peers criticize their clothes, it will hurt their feelings, but that’s how they will learn!
Julie says
Love it! I personally cannot figure out what is wrong with your little girl’s outfit. She’s adorable! I never worried about what my girls choose to wear (so long as what’s supposed to be covered gets covered). My girls were dressing themselves from age 18mo, so I was pleased that “all could see they were dressing themselves” since obviously their mom didn’t pick out those mis-matched outfits! LOL
Kelly says
This is so fantastic! I have the food fight with both my kids daily. The clothing fight with my daughter daily, and the activity fight with both of them on a frequent basis. Fortunately, I haven’t had the friend fight (although I had to resign myself to my daughter not being friends with my friend’s daughter on more than one occasion). I appreciate the reassurance that I’m not a failure of a mother when I let my daughter go out in horrifyig ensembles, or when I let my kids pick their dinner every night. I’ve always justified it by saying that I’m too exhausted to fight. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂
Cyndee says
Amen! Amen! Amen! I had two picky eaters and one that loved to wear his Buzz Lightyear costume to the grocery store. We made a lot of folks smile on those days.
It really does all work itself out and is not near worth the tears, threats, punishment, etc. involved when it becomes a showdown. Save the battles for the things that really do matter.
Thanks for dishing out some great advice!
Tricia says
HAHA this is so us! I only have my son, but I learned early. And it’s not just about avoiding the fight…..I just think some things really don’t matter in the long run. Want to wear your bike helmet to the store? Ok! Want to wear your PJs all day? Ok! Of course the pediatrician asked if he was ill at one appointment because of his PJs—nope, just comfy. LOL
I figure he’s only a kid once so he should have fun PLUS I don’t want to burden my child with my hangups. This is why I’ll go ahead and cook sweet potatoes (the one food on this planet that I detest) for him and haven’t forced him to try oysters. Heck, I even let him do my hair—and, yes, I will go out in public that way. Why not? W’e’re just having fun and I really don’t care what Mrs. Judgmental in aisle 3 thinks anyway—it’s not like I’ll ever see her again.
Yvonne says
Lllllike! And it is so lovely to read an article that has trust in our children and let them be the wonderful people they are. As a child I continuously heard that my choices (i.e. me) were not good/healthy/wise/(fill in…) so I love to raise my children in a loving and caring way and embrace these ‘wars’ I let them win 🙂
JD says
I totally DISAGREE. Food time was never a battle at my house, and now I have an amazingly wonderful 11 year old thinks she doesn’t have to eat certain things…because it was never a battle. And food, just like anything else has to be learned to like. I have a friend that is fifty and she still won’t eat most “big girl food” and she said her parents never pushed her. So I disagree… I also disagree with the clothing issue. If you think you will START to have a say in what your child wears when she is sixteen, you’re seriously mistaken. I don’t know who comes up with this stuff…hahahaha!
Nicole says
My five year old has this bright purple coat he received as a gift, and he fell in love with it. I asked him the other day, “Sweetheart, do other people like your coat?” I’m not sure why I asked but his response made me incredibly proud. “No, but I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because I like it.” It can be difficult to raise a child who has an independent spirit, thank you for an encouraging read.
Nicolette says
I absolutely LOVE this story! Look at his confidence! Love to hear that:)
Nancy says
This was a great read, THANK YOU!!