This marks my 7th year being a parent. I know, I know, I’m a baby compared to many of you. But…measured in doggy years, I’ve actually been at this 50 years now–and yes, parenting ages you that fast. No pro, but I’ve taken the the Harley around the block a few times. (I’m sure I just butchered that expression.)
Some of you are blessed with angel children, sent to you with halos, wings, and radiant auras. The rest of us…well, we get hard kids.
Maybe it’s because we:
a) performed some grave misconduct,
b) were bad kids ourselves at some point and were cursed by our parents (“I hope you get one just like you someday…”)
or
c) needed a challenge because otherwise we would have been too good of parents.
I’d like to think it’s the latter reason. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how (well okay, I do know how), but the truth is, kids come to us with built-in personalities. Some of those personalities are just hard to handle.
Hard Kids
Hard kids come in many shapes, sizes, and ages. The tricky thing is, you might think you birthed an easy kid and then–BAM!–hard kid in your face! You might have a hard baby who becomes an easy toddler, or an easy toddler that becomes an impossible teenager. The good news is…hard kids change into great kids all the time! It’s just getting them to that point that can be rocky.
My hard kid…
My fourth was born mad. Angry, red-in-the-face, ticked-off-at-the-world mad. On his first night at the hospital, the nurse marveled, “That ain’t no newborn baby cry…that’s an angry man-child cry.”
Cry, cry, cry–there was a lot of that. I shrugged it off as a newborn thing and nestled him close, breathing in his new smell. After a few days, he was still angry, crying all day and night with little solace. I started to suspect that five-letter word that all parents dread: colic.
Have any of you had babies with colic? Hearing crying all.the.time is indescribably draining. Babies with colic are hard. On one hand, you want to love and cling to this precious infant that you created, but on the other, you just want to close your door, put in some earplugs, and sleep for 18 years.
Fast forward seven months…do you see that? Same face! Exact same mad face! Can you believe that? I can…I saw it every.single.day. Seven months of 24/7 mad feels like eternity.
When you’re dealing with hard kids, each day can feel like a million hours long and there are times you swear you just can’t parent anymore. Your hard kid might be a toddler prone to horrendous tantrums. Maybe you have a child with Autism or other developmental disability that tests you physically and emotionally daily. Perhaps you have a very stubborn child who won’t listen to you–who must have things done exactly her way. Perhaps it’s your teenager that is hard to swallow–heaven knows I was probably one (I’m so sorry mom and dad!). Or maybe your hard child is actually your adult child who should know better. Regardless, we all have hard kids, and hard days. Days when you swear you just can’t parent anymore.
But then we do. We find a way to. We have to.
By some blessing, each day passes, and depending on our efforts and our outlook, each day gets infinitesimally better than the last one. Even if it’s only .001% better—that’s progress.
In order to see daily progress, here are 4 big mistakes to avoid when dealing with hard kids.
4 Big Don’ts To Consider when Dealing with Hard Kids…
1. Don’t ever give up. Ever.
Because you’ll want to. There will be days you’ll want to throw in the towel, cash in the chips, and throw your hands in the air shouting, “I quit!” You’ll want to send them to boarding school, volunteer them for a mission to Mars, or send them to grandmas for a few…years. But don’t. The #1 mistake you could ever make is to give up. Your hard kid needs you. Your hard kid needs you, maybe not wants you, but needs you to be there. For the good and the bad. Please, don’t ever, ever give up on them. Ride out the storms because someday your hard kid will become your great kid.
2. Don’t feel bad for thinking they are stinkers.
Because you will–and they are. There is some sort of therapy in admitting you gave birth to a stinker. But they won’t always be stinkers. I was a pretty stinkerish teenager, and I think I turned out pretty great. When days get hard and kids get especially stinkersome, remind yourself: they’re only 7 months old, or two years old, or 4, 9, 13, 17, 25, etc. They won’t always be that age. As they grow, something in them will change. Hard kids will get easier.
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Don’t take it personally when your hard kid lashes out, yells at you, or claims he or she hates you. Although you should take measures to stop and rectify such behavior, choose not to take offense at it. In an hour, they’ve most likely forgotten about it. Dealing with hard kids is frustrating in the moment, but in the grand scheme of a lifetime, those hard moments will just be small blips on the timeline. Try to keep your cool and try not to sweat the small stuff.
4. Don’t look at hard traits as flaws, instead, look at them in terms of strengths.
This one concept has completely transformed the way I look at my children. Completely. Some of the difficult traits they exhibit now will actually be strengths to them in the future.
While at my parents’ house over Christmas break, my dad said something that ignited the lightbulb in my head. I had just put my demon man-child to bed and he screamed and screamed forever before finally falling asleep. My dad turned to me and said,
“He’s not going down without a fight, is he?”
And it hit me! This stubborn, loud trait of his that is so hard to deal with now is going to make him a stellar adult. I could just imagine him in a boardroom, or a political debate, fighting for a just cause, not going down without a fight.
So your independent child who insists on doing everything herself, who won’t listen to a word you say without questioning your motives {“flaw”}…as she grows, this child will not be easily swayed by her peers. She won’t listen to naysayers or do what “everyone else is doing.” As an adult, she will stand on her own two feet and make important decisions {strength}.
Your child who drives you crazy with a million questions, who always wants to know “why?” and needs an answer to every single question {“flaw”}—that child might be a scientist some day, or an engineer, or a judge. That child will always search for truth {strength}.
Here are some other difficult traits that can turn into strengths:
Aggressive child———> Assertive adult
Introvert——–> an observer, maybe a writer or philosopher
A tease———> a person with a great sense of humor
Fiercely independent———-> enormously successful
When you look at your children’s flaws as strengths, you start seeing them in terms of potential. You will be more patient, more understanding, and more willing to wait out the storms.
Hard kids do get easier.
P.S. My hard man-child is now 14 months old and smiling more, giggling lots, and getting less and less stinkerish every day.
This thing called parenting is hard! We understand. Check out a few more ideas for rocking your most important job – parent:
How to make your home a friendship factory
10 Ways To Get Your Toddler To Eat Your Cooking
Nicole @ theprofessionalmomproject.com says
I totally relate to this one. My son came out with a bang and has been making lots of noise since. I try to keep in mind all of the things you suggest and it definitely helps!
Nicolette says
Glad I’m not the only one!
Judith says
Really needed this today. My hard child is 11 and he was difficult and non stop before he was born. There have been many times I wanted to quit. Thanks for this message and helping me look at things differently.
Tish says
How long is forever? Because we gave up trying to get my older daughter down for nap after 3 hours.
I have been telling myself the ‘she is going to make a fiercely strong woman down the road’ thing since she was a toddler. Sometimes I think it was the only thing that got me this far.
Just recently (like since she turned 8 a month ago) she is finally starting to be a bit more reasonable more of the time. Good thing I didn’t give up, but I look back and wonder how I did it.
Haley says
This is a great article. I have 3 hard kids that will be awesome adults. However, introverted is most definitely not a flaw! It’s not something you grow out of and there are plenty of awesome adults who introverted, myself included.
Vibeke Lash says
Amen! We need to teach our introverted kids to embrace their introversion and not let an extroverted world make them feel less.
Sandra says
Introverts are often highly intelligent who just take more time to observe their surroundings and think before they act so that’s not a flaw in any way. I would say introvert children are more easy to deal with than loud and hasty extroverts who need constant interaction from parents and other people. Otherwise this article was just what I needed at the moment when I’m dealing with my own little hothead ODD demon of 5 years 🙂 Thank you for sharing your experiences.
MarilynG says
These kids are also known as difficult children. I had 4 of them. The oldest was my hardest. Mentally 2 years ahead of his actual age and 2 years behind emotionally. By time he was 8, I actually wanted to kill him (don’t laugh. I actually wrapped my hands around his neck, but I heard that little voice that said, “Mother’s don’t kill their sons.” That was also the day I went on anti-depressants.) We have decided that he has oppositional-defiance disorder. He couldn’t do what he was told. People say, “Oh, that’s just being a boy.” But it is way worse. Do your homework. No! Eat your dinner. No. Have a piece of cake. No. (Last one to show the difference. He would punish himself because he was told to do it.) So we had to come up with some creative ways to deal with him. And wait. By time he was in high school, he was great. He now had to make his own decisions…and suffer the consequences when they mattered. When he got kicked off the tennis team, he realized what consequences meant (btw, he didn’t deserve to be kicked off. It was a error on the school’s part.) He is now an adult. He works with special education kids. Why? Because he was one of them. And the ODD? He still has it and you still see the look cross his face. But then the adult steps in and he makes the right decision. Well, usually he does. One must persevere. And like you, realize that those things are not flaws, but skills that need to be refined with age.
Brandi says
MarilynG, I have that same child. He is only 4 right now, but he’s been difficult since before he was born. Terrible pregnancy, difficult birth, NICU for 5 weeks. Since before he could actually say the word no he’s been defiant. It’s like he just can’t do as he’s told or asked. No is the first word out of his mouth when you ask him anything. It’s almost like he ‘can’t help himself. The frustration is beyond epic in our house. There are days I’ve cried more than he has.
I can’t even believe I”ve made it these 4 years. or that he has. This child refuses to eat, brush his teeth, potty train, pick up his toys, etc. I’ve never seen defiance and the ability to withstand in a child. Some well meaning, and not so well meaning, people always have ideas and opinions but none of them work. It is a constant battle in our house.
I long for easy days, or a kid who is easier to deal with. None of my family or friends have ever had to deal with such a difficult defiant child and none of the, I mean none of them understand. That’s almost the hardest part, no one to talk to about his difficulties. Boys will be boys, or he’ll get there, or starve him he’ll eat when he’s hungry, or spank him, or put him in time out. The list goes on and on.
I’m exhausted all the time. I do hope this article is right and things will get easier some day.
Becky says
I have an 11 year old with ODD and also tourettes. In addition to refusing to do anything you ask, he curses from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. Partly the tourettes (tics), partly because it’s developed into an extremely nasty habit. This is especially hard for a family who does not curse and have never allowed our children to! But we also have had no success at all in getting him to stop. Completely identify with declaring I quit and wanting to send him off somewhere! But I keep hoping and praying that he and we will get through this!
Exhaustion – depression… this is the hardest and longest thing I’ve ever gone through!
But even beyond dealing with him, my question is how to help my 13 year old deal with it! He is becoming very bitter and angry because of all this…
Meri M says
Thank you for sharing this. I had that same baby as you, it was not colic! It was anger. He was mad at something no matter all my efforts. The worst part is that he was my second child and my first was so easy and simple and always content.
Sometimes these things are so hard to remember. But my baby will be 3 next month and he still is so so so hard. People have been telling me for 2 1/2 years that he will better in couple months, or by a year, then by 2, then by 3. But, he’s still very high maintenance and is going to be the most “assertive” adult who ever lived. Haha.
But thank you again. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only mom going through this 🙂
Nicolette says
Oh boy, you’re telling me I’ve got more coming up?! Okay, let the wild ride begin:). It is good to know you’re not the only one dealing with a hard kid. All of these comments are wonderful! Thanks for sharing!
Angie says
Thank you!….Even though I’ve been parenting for almost 21 yrs now…21 yr old (in May)girl,15 yr old girl,& 13 yr old (April 1) boy..some days it feels like I’m a newbie at this.. They all have had their challenging times…still do…but it’s the moments that you realize what kind of adult they are becoming & I thank God for giving me the strength not to give up.
Mom of three says
Nicolette-
I had my first “Hard” kid at 30. She cried and puked for 14 months straight. She is the most amazing 14yo. you could possibly imagine. She’s perfectly normal, but still an absolute blessing that I am complimented on pretty much weekly. Then I had an easy baby at 33. She’s pretty amazing in her own right at the ripe old age of 11. But then I had another hard child at 40, and this one, a boy. He was great as an infant until he learned to move on his own at 6mos. He’s almost 5yo now and we fight nearly every day. He loves and hates me like neither of the other two have quite managed. I want to toss in the towel at least once a week. I never get too close to actually doing it. Simply because the love always outweighs the hate. I enjoyed your article, but I would add a number 5. Always remember, even at their worst and most hateful moments, as a mom or dad, you are their world, especially in the beginning, and while they might take a break from thinking so during some teenage years they come back around to it. Parents are second only to children. As it should be.
Nicolette says
Very well said, and I agree. Thanks so much for your wise words and for being a mom who never gives up!
Emily says
That was great! I think your article is just what I needed to hear. My first child is just now finally getting loads easier and he’s 14! Love him to death and since his little brother has been born, have been having a blast telling my 14 year old “when you were his age” stories.
Sapana V says
My kids are not hard but I feel my elder one is turning in to one. I keep my self cool when he gives tantrums but its very challenging. Thanks for sharing the tips and encouraging the positive attitude.
Sherry says
I couldn’t agree more with number 4… my son was born 9.5 week early and has a physical disability as a result. His first few years were a constant revolving door in and out of hospital and we were told about all the milestones he might never reach.. But he was determined… often, as he got older, STUBBORN and difficult to reason with, but one thing I learned was that all the traits that often drove me crazy as a mom were the same traits that helped him overcome obstacle after obstacle to become a fine young man who graduates this year, and who has accomplished SO many of the things we were told he never would. He’s a wonderful, kind, intelligent and caring young man…and I know that much of who he is now is a direct result of that headstrong, stubborn “difficult” child he was (and still sometimes is!) I’ve been blessed with a “hard child”!
Nicolette says
I love this story. Thank you so much!
Mels says
Totally agree on the don’t give up. I was a hard kid for a while. I pushed my mom to the point where she wanted to give-up – even though I had no idea. But she didn’t give up and we have a really great relationship now.
Mary m says
Nicolette,
Thank you for the article I read it with a knowing smile. Our second child has ADHD and is exhausting in many ways. My husband and I have always said her ” determination” will serve her well someday…as long as we all survive to witness it! She is also so funny,kind and beautiful inside and out! Glad to see an article that points out the positives as well!!! Thank you!
Nicolette says
Thanks Mary! I’m hearing the song “I Will Survive” in my head right now:). Thanks for your story and great example!
Susan Carroll says
AuntSue
You give HOPE to all parents, especially those with challenging children. My fourth seemed so easy. 12 hour nights and 4 hour naps. But when old enough to asked to do anything!, he bacame the donkey in the field – ONE GREAT BIG WON”T! You can imagine how hard school was for this child and his parents! But he grew up ( emotionally very slowly ) and now at 35, he is happily married to a wonderful woman, parenting two teenage boys, about to graduate from college with a good job in sight. There is always HOPE and LOVE.
Dina says
Needed to read this, it has been a rough week! Thanks!
Heather says
Thank you for this sweet reminder! I have a hard kid. She was born independent from day 1. She held on to the nurses glove coming out of the birth canal and wouldn’t let go! But her fierce independence has and is still becoming a blessing. I remind myself all the time “I’m training this trait for good.” It’s not a bad thing she is independent and has strong opinions and vocalizes them. It just needs to be trained for good.
Christi Brady says
Thank you! As a mom of over 20 years I have to say you hit the nail right on the head! I have 4 kids and sometimes it is so hard to be a parent. But you never give up. You love your child unconditionally. Finding someone to give you a break every once in a while (spouse-family member-trusted friend) is key. And a little wine never hurt! It will pass!
Nicolette says
Exactly. Thank you:)
Shernia says
Great article. I can totally relate to having a “hard Child” and I am guilty of wanting to “give up” at times. But I realize that it is not about me, I was blessed with my son and it’s my responsibility to raise him to the best of my ability. I Love the 4th tip…looking at his flaws as strengths. I never thought of it that way, but Now I will. Thanks for sharing! My outlook on my “hard child” has made a 360!
Nina says
This has come at the perfect time for me! I’m a single parent with a daughter who has become a hard teen. We are having a tough time together at the moment. It’s so good to read other people’s stories and get some perspective! Thank you x
Tally says
Thank you for this reminder. MY one pound miracle came out spitting and kicking and has suffered more than most adults will ever know in their lifetime. She is 3 now, and is the sweetest, bravest most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. She is my greatest accomplishment. She is destined for greatness. I hope and pray to be the steward and mommy she deserves.
Araceli Espinosa says
I have 3 hard children, my 2 teenage daughters who are living with mental illness and my 7 year old son who has a learning disability. When my girls are depressed and irritated and even want to give up on themselves (hard to hear your 14 year old determined to end it all) and I feel like my world will shatter. I stay strong, remind them of all that they mean to us , that they are precious and worth so much to us and remind them that I will NEVER give up on them, they have my unconditional love.When the storm is over, could be hours,days or weeks they always thank me for not giving up on them when things are soooo HARD. I will forever treasure the children God has given me and every day ask for the strength to get through it one day at a time.
Jami says
My fourth child is going to be the death of me, she truly is. In the meantime, I’m glad I read this. Some days are harder than others, but boy do I relate!
Kim says
It may be because I am introverted myself, but I don’t see that as a flaw. We are usually more observant and sensitive to our surroundings. The worst thing to tell an introverted person is that they are shy. We may do things a little quieter than other people, but we are smart and get things accomplished in our own way. So please don’t call that a flaw! Other than that, I thought this was a great post. I also have a very stubborn, independent four year old.
Lisa says
My first – and only child – had colic. Horrific colic. The high-pitched siren scream crying. He broke me. I was a fully capable 33 year old professional who had never failed at anything. He broke me. My husband and I somehow managed to get through it. When he really started interacting with us, it got better. He was a delightful yet determined toddler. He started kindergarten this year and is my greatest joy. It will get better, but OMG it is hard when you’re in it.
Sherrill says
I really needed to read this and find that it’s not only me that’s going through this. My eldest son was absolutely adorable, fiercely independent, but a joy to bring up, that is until he reached his teenage years when he was just a 6ft ball of anger and swear words. He turned 18 in November and has only just started to turn the corner to become a kind, well balanced young man who I can be proud of. My youngest, my 6yo daughter is an angel but their 9yo old brother… This child cried when he came out the womb and didn’t stop. He’s been a ball of anger every single day of his life. As a toddler, I had to stop taking him to play groups and indoor play area’s because he would hit any child he came into contact with, he doesn’t listen to a word I say and just talks over me and, then there’s his habits… right now it’s licking his lips to the point where he’s got an angry looking red ring around his mouth. I cannot cope with this child. I’ve had to cut out sweets, fizzy drinks, tomato sauce, some cereals and anything else that could make his moods worse. But that’s a double edged sword in itself… do I let him have a small treat and deal with the hyper child then the angry child on a come down or, feel bad for not treating him and deal with the anger of him not having something he wants… I cannot WAIT for my boy to turn the corner. X
Gwen says
Thank you for that post. My eldest son who turns five by April is a hard child. He cried the first year all the time. First time he slept all night was with 3 years. He is stubborn and aggressiv against others and very noisy. He sang hardrock Songs in church on christmas eve in the Front row. Glad our pastor has humor and loves stubborn Little boys. I pray that it is getting better. Our baby boy is 11 months and an Angel and i hope it last.
Mel says
Thank you for including introvert on the list at the end. I love my daughter, but she is introvert and I struggle to meet her in her mindset. People always tell me how quiet, loving, and wonderful she; and of course I see all of that in her too, but being the one closest to an introvert, i see the times she lashes out, releases all her pent up frustrations, and nobody believes me. I’ve stopped trying to talk to friends, family, etc about theses times, I’ve stopped trying to seek advice/help bc everybody tells me I’m making things up, or at least makes me feel that way. I’m just a mom trying to survive like all the other moms. The world seesa sweet, shy, little girl; I see the loving, hyper, playful, cheerful, smiling, outgoing, but easily frustrated girl.
Dani says
This rang so true for me, especially #4. One thing I want to add, is to brush off other people’s judgements of your child. Because, believe me, when you have a hard (or high needs) child or children (Heaven help us!) there will be plenty of opinions on your child’s behavior and your parenting. It is especially frustrating when these come from people who have no children or from close family or friends. And, it’s easy to read their reactions as slights toward your parenting. Whether they are well-meaning or dreadfully judge mental, don’t let it influence how you react to your child. Do the best you can in the moment and proceed with love.
Heidi says
Wow this article is spot on! My hard child will be 9 this week. I told her last night, I am so glad you are you or otherwise life would be pretty boring. Others call her bossy, I call it future leadership skills. She may be a little vain- I say thank goodness she will have an extra dose of self-confidence to get her through those tough teen years. She is my only child and I am a single parent. As much as I tried to mold her to be just like me, well she will never be! She is nothing like the child I imagined I would have and YASSS today I am full of gratitude for that because she is so much more! She is strong where I am weak she is sure where I am doubtful she is fearless where I am anxious. PTL for those hard kids who teach us about ourself and about life!
Nicole Killpack says
Sometimes newborns need to see a chiropractor to help with what all their little bodies have gone through. And babies/toddlers in car seats can do from an adjustment too. I was told this with my hard child but felt I couldn’t afford it. Then my daughter tried it with her babies and it worked so well I have kicked myself for not at least having tried it.