I’m going to assume you take your job as a mother pretty seriously. The fact that you clicked on this post leads me to believe you strive to do your parenting best. And because you are spending your free time reading parenting articles I’m willing to wager you are doing a mighty fine job at this whole mothering-thing. But have you ever considered the other parenting role you will one day take on (or possibly already have taken on)-the role of mother-in-law?
I’ll never forget the first time I heard the phrase, “A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he takes a wife.” As a mother of three boys, this is something I have contemplated & agonized over more than I care to admit. The thought of losing my boys to their future families is both reassuring and devastating. Of course, I want them to be devoted husbands & fathers. In fact, there’s nothing I want more for them. But the thought of not spending every single Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, & birthday surrounded by my men breaks my mommy heart a little bit .
My solution? I’ve resolved to be the very best mother-in-law I can possibly be.
Yes, I understand that my oldest is still over a decade from matrimony but it’s never too early to start planning these things. It’s my hope that by building good relationships not only with my sons but also with the women that they (will one day) love I will be a little more present in their future. I have spent so many hours considering this – obsessed much? Yes, yes I am. Mothers-in-law consistently get a bum rap. You just mention the word mother-in-law & it is almost always followed by grunts & echoes of disgruntled pasts. I do not want to be one of “those” stereotypical mothers-in-law. You know, the control-obsessed, overbearing, demanding women that everyone avoids.
In my attempt to master mother-in-lawing I have spoken to just about every mother-in-law & daughter/son-in-law I know learning the do’s & don’ts behind in-lawing. I’ve read everything I can get my hands on regarding the subject, & I’ve even chatted with multiple family therapists. And I’ve got good news folks, it can be done! You can have a healthy, happy, positive relationship with your child-in-law. I’ve compiled the best tips I’ve come across to help you be the world’s greatest mother-in-law so you can excel at a mother’s other great role.
How To Be The World’s Greatest Mother-In-Law
1. Let go
Once those commitments are made & your child has devoted herself to another person your role as mother shifts. She is an adult, & you must allow her to make adult decisions. Of course, your job as a mother is not over. You will still have opportunities to teach, & guide, & help your child along life’s course. But for the most part, you have to trust that you did a pretty decent job raising her & she is now capable of making responsible & wise choices. Sometimes her path won’t be the same you would take but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or it needs correcting.
2. Don’t judge
Your child may bring home the picture perfect person, or not. Either way, your response should be the same. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. You don’t get to pick who he loves but you do get to pick how you react to his love. And if you respond poorly, with judgment or criticism, then you will only drive a wedge between your child & yourself. There will be times when you disapprove of this new family member. That’s ok. But voicing your opinion will almost always cause more harm than good. Sometimes it may be necessary to speak up but most of the time you’ll be better off keeping your thoughts to yourself.
3. Welcome
Do you remember how scary it was when you first met your in-laws? It isn’t easy jumping into a new family. Do your best to ease the transition by welcoming this new family member with love.
4. Communicate
Let her know what your expectations & hopes are for this new relationship. Ask her what she expects from you, & what she doesn’t want from you. When you are both open & honest it will make the years so much easier for everyone.
5. Support
Marriages are extremely fragile these days. More than 40% of all marriages end in divorce. Chances are you don’t want that fate for your child. Do what you can to support her marriage. Show respect & honor for their bond by maintaining appropriate boundaries. Whatever you do, do not get involved in their arguments. No matter which side you choose you will always lose. Rather, offer support & comfort, & allow the couple to figure things out on their own.
6. Be a friend
Everyone wants another friend-especially when you are the new person in a family. Be that friend. Get to know your new in-law’s beliefs, traditions, hobbies, opinions, feelings, dreams, fears, & interests. Treat her like you would your oldest friend and if you are lucky she just may become an old friend.
7. Incorporate
Get to know your child-in-law’s traditions & interests & incorporate them in your family life when possible. Try out her favorite recipes, play that game he loves, or take a look at that book she highly recommended. Your in-law will feel more at home, & who knows, you may actually discover something you love.
8. Bite your tongue
Under no circumstances should you ever, I mean ever, make rude, snide, or cutting remarks about your new child-in-law. Harsh words are not easily forgotten. If you don’t have anything nice to say, well you know…
9. Don’t compete
I know you want to spend every holiday with your child & his young family. But remember, he now has in-law’s, too. You may not see them as much as you would like but by offering a loving environment for them to return to I guarantee you will get to see them plenty.
10. Don’t gossip
Nothing good comes from gossiping. Especially, within families. Most likely, anything you say will cross your new child-in-law’s ears eventually; so unless you would feel comfortable saying it to his face don’t say it at all.
11. Serve
For the most part, you want to let the newlyweds manage their lives on their own-they are adults after all. But you should be there to lend a helping hand whenever acceptable & possible. That is a mom’s job after all. And who doesn’t love someone that always has his back?
10. Have a Good Time
Be sure to enjoy your time with your family. That’s the best part of being together, right? Make memories doing things that you all enjoy. When you enjoy your time together you will all make being together more of a priority. Yes!!!
11. Move on
You are going to mess up, he is going to mess up. For a healthy, happy, lasting relationship it is best to just forgive & forget.
12. Love
Now let’s be clear, you don’t have to be a total pushover as a mother-in-law. But you do have to walk a fine line. Be mindful of what you say & do, but in the end, let your love for your child & his family guide you. As long as you have their best interest in mind you will rock this whole in-law-thing!
Do you have any other mother-in-law tips I should add to my list? If so, put them in the comments! I’m always looking for new ways to improve. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor to be the best mother-in-law ever!
For even more inspiration on how to strengthen family relationships, check out these great ideas:
9 Cool Lessons We Can Learn from the ‘Gilmore Girls’
5 Things Parents Should Always Say YES To
5 Surprising Things the Happiest Families Have in Common
Seana Turner says
I will be entering into this role next summer, and I think all of this is great advice. It is very hard to stay out of their arguments, but I do think this is so important. I think a mother can have a harder time letting go of resentments than the spouse!
Sara Watkins says
Oh for sure! Mother’s are so protective by nature. Congratulations on the new role! I’m sure you will rock it!
Amanda says
What a beautiful expression of love for your children and their future spouses! I love this!!
Suzanne says
That’s a great list – I enjoyed reading it all. I have just one child in-law and think he’s pretty great. It’s been fun to get to know him.
Sara Watkins says
He is a good one. And rumor has it you are a pretty great MIL.
Jennifer barmette says
Hey Sara. I didnt know you had a blog. I just started one. Its so fun. It’s called ilikeitmoon.com on DIY projects of mine.
I love the article of being a good mother-in-law. Great advice. Have fun in the blogging world.
Sara Watkins says
That’s awesome, Jennifer! I can’t wait to check it out.
Tauna Neerings says
This is perfect timing, Sara!! I’m a new mother-in-law – it’s so weird to think that, but I will try to remember all these tips and do my best to be the best mother-in-law my new son-in-law will ever have. Mahalo! You are awesome!
Sara Watkins says
Oh, I hope this helps you in your new role! I’m sure you are going to be an all star MIL!
Ann says
I’m a MIL to two men…one for almost 14 years, and the other about 5 months. The list you made is priceless and true. I’ve cried a few tears over “losing” my girls and having to share them, but the families that both married into are wonderful. The 14 year in-law’s are like family….so wonderful and accepting. We’ve celebrated holidays together and we both know the other is always welcome. The newer in-laws are looking to be the same. We count ourselves majorly blessed! My relationship with both SILs is very good; but, there definitely is a comfort level with the one who has been around many years that I don’t have yet with the newbie. I’m confident that with time, it’ll be the same. I love both of them like my own. Being an in-law is a whole new experience, though…no doubt about that! You’re very wise to be doing your research so early. I never really gave it any thought….just BAM!! One day there I was, a MIL, and as you said, we get a bad rap. Negative connotations when you speak those three words! Thanks for this blog!
Jerri says
“You don’t get to pick who he loves but you do get to pick how you react to his love.” ….such powerful words and so true. And when they first bring a new person into your home, you have no clue in two years this will be your new son in law (SIL) or daughter in law (DIL)! So welcome new friends with open arms. That first impression is a lasting one.
I am a proud mother in law for 10 years now and still working it out!
Sara Watkins says
Exactly! It’s so tricky but all you can do is love & hope for the best. Mother-in-law-ing is just like mother-ing it’s a constant process of improvement through trial & error. I’m sure you’re doing great!
Janet says
I need advice. I messed up really big. My son and his wife had my first grandson. My daughter in law and me were close. Then I make a comment to her mom that didn’t go over good. So she called her daughter asking her questions.. It was not hurtful is was just me expressing my concern to her mother that she was not aware of. So that has been 12 years ago. There is no closes no more. Iam soo hurt and broken hearted. I do not know how to repair it. Can you help?
Sara Watkins says
Oh, Janet, that is tough. Old wounds are hard to heal, in fact, that topic deserves its own blog post. I think the best thing you can do at this point is speak directly with your daughter-in-law regarding the unfortunate event. Apologize & mean it. And ask how you can move forward & make things better, then be willing to follow through. Unfortunately, we its completely in her hands to forgive you & move on. If you consistently show your love for her & continually reach out eventually she’ll come around. Best of luck!
Ann says
Having a bit of difficulty with my new daughter in law. They married the end of April this year. She has some anxiety issues so the relationship has always been a little bit stressful both to myself and my son. However, he loves her so much and is willing to handle just about anything. My oldest son is now getting married and the married son and his wife do not approve of the marriage. He met her on social media. She is from Brazil and he went for 2 months to visit her and her family and proposed to her. She came here to attend my sons wedding and to get to know us. They have decided to marry and she will be staying. They are handling everything with a lawyer. She is a wonderful girl. She has broken English but gets embarrassed at times. She has worked so hard to learn English and my son has learned Portuguese as well. Anyway, my son asked all of his brothers to be in the wedding (he is 1 of his 3 brothers). The son getting married was the married sons best man in April. He told his brother he would attend the wedding but will not be in it as he doesn’t approve. I have spoken with his wife and she is basically the one who doesn’t approve and my son does not want to take sides against her and so has hurt his brother and his fiancé immensely. I want to make peace but its hard knowing there are no valid reasons to not approve. She is of the same religion and is a very humble young woman from Brazil. Also now that relationship, between the daughters in law, is not good. I don’t know what to do.
Sara Watkins says
Wow, Ann, you are in quite the predicament. Have you spoken to the first wife about this? Maybe find out why she doesn’t approve? She may have a valid reason you aren’t aware of or it may all be a misunderstanding that you can help clear up. I think open communication between the two of you will definitely help. Just make sure that when you talk to her you make it clear that you are not judging her or questioning her decisions you are just curious. Keep an open mind & really consider what she has to say.
Tara Thurman says
All of these tips are great, but there is one I would add that I wish my MIL would heed. Don’t try to help or give advice unless the person asks for it! Too many times, my MIL has made a comment that has caused problems in my marriage. When my husband or I try to talk to her about it, her reply is almost always the same – “I was only trying to help!” Help is something you give to someone who asks you to help them. When you “help” someone who didn’t ask for your help, it almost always comes across as criticism. Most of my MIL’s comments are related to how I could improve something or make something better. She even gave me a cookbook shortly after we got married and told me that she thought I might need it to get more ideas for what to cook. I’m sure there will be plenty of people who read this and think, “What’s wrong with that?”. The thing that was wrong was that she insinuated that I could not cook. If I had wanted recipes to get more ideas, I would have asked for them. Bottom line, offering help when not asked comes across as pushy, intrusive, or insulting. If you are a MIL, BE PATIENT…LET THEM COME TO YOU! They will respect you more for it and will appreciate you more for truly helping with something they actually needed help with!
Sara Watkins says
Oh, man. That is tough. It sounds like your MIL is a little passive aggressive. I know it isn’t easy working with someone like that.
Deanna says
While I understand Tara’s comment about don’t offer to help unless you ask for help, why does that sometimes only go for the MIL and not her mother? Her mother moved in weeks before the birth of a grandchild. She treats the DIL like a child. Her mom does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry for her and now she is the nanny. DIL says she doesn’t need MIL’s help and prefers her mother gets all she wants of baby as long as she stays (indefinitely) which makes MIL feel left out, not wanted and in the way when she’s there. DIL has already said she doesn’t want her mother to leave (she lives hours away). Where does MIL fit in this picture? She and FIL want time with the new grandchild too, but feel pushed out while her mother is there. When she isn’t there, there is usually a good relationship. The son goes along because he is enjoying the housekeeping/cooking benefits but how can they ever become their own family if they have a mom not letting them act like adults?
Sara says
Relationships are tricky. It’s tough to get in to specifics with very little details. But my strongest advice is to continue to offer support. Consistent love and service will soften any heart.
Carla says
I couldn’t agree more with many of these points! Learning to step back and learn a new role is always hard. I’m grateful that my DIL calls me Mom and that we have a very close relationship, and that my SIL actually complains when I don’t spend time with the family. I chalk much of that up to the fact that I figured out early to never take sides, to always encourage them to work out their own marital problems, while maybe offering a few suggestions on how to start the conversations but never telling them how to resolve them, to always be fiercely mindful that they had their own family units now and were not responsible to provide any social sustenance to me, and to be inclusive of their spouses in any ways I could.
Deanna says
I would add to for the MIL’s out there, don’t forget about and push aside the older DIL’s when a new one comes along. Being the first DIL of a group of 5 boys, 3 others have come along since me and unfortunately as each new one came, I was forgotten more and more, as well as when new grandkids have came along, my older kids have been pushed aside for the new ones. Very hurtful and hard to come back from.