I’d never heard the term helicopter parent until I was accused of being one in a comment here. Apparently, I was one due to my no-sleepover rule.
Rather than be upset by this accusation, I began to wonder–what is this thing they speak of…this “helicopter parent?” So I dug deeper; if I’m going to be labeled something, I at least want to know what it is.
Helicopter Parent
Like its namesake, a helicopter parent hovers over her child, ready to swoop down in an instant when they are in trouble, upset, or need an extra ice cube for their purified bottled water. Helicopter parenting is also referred to as “the world’s longest umbilical cord.” In small children, it’s the tendency of mom and dad to shadow the child, constantly monitoring him on the playground, and stepping in when another child pushes him down.
Helicopter parenting manifests itself when we make sure our child is in a certain class, with a certain teacher, or with a certain coach, because as parents, it’s our job to see that our children “get what is best for them.” With the rapid rise of the cell phone, it’s easy to be a helicopter parent when your child is only a speed-dial away.
Okay, so helicopter parenting just seems to be really involved parenting. Is that so bad?
Is it terrible parenting to want to know where your children are, who they are playing with, and if they are being treated kindly? Is it detrimental to children to know that they can count on their parents to be there when they need them? If so, maybe I am a helicopter parent. But when you’ve carried a tiny being inside of you for forty weeks, gone through hours of pain and labor to get them safely into this world, and when you hold their fragile body securely in your arms and realize at that moment that you’d do anything to keep them safe, helicopter parenting doesn’t sound like a bad thing.
Free Range Parent
The other parenting style is called free-range parenting. As opposed to overprotective and over-scheduling helicopter parents, free-range parents have a “give them the same freedom we had as kids,” mindset. I grew up in a small farming town, and this description reminds me of cows left to roam freely. Wandering aimlessly along fields, streams, and forests, munching on grass and doing…whatever cows do. Sometimes they get stuck in barbed wire fences or mud pits and I wonder, how does the farmer know where his cows are?
Growing up in a small town, I was able to roam freely, to explore canal banks and abandoned potato cellars. If I wanted to ride my bike, I didn’t ask my mom. I just got on my bike and took off, tearing all over a town that seemed so safe it was boring. I never had a cell phone to check in with my parents. They told me a time to be home and I was home at that time, end of story. In high school, when the softball coach was hard on me, no dad of mine stormed the field in my defense.
Come to think about it, I think I was raised as a cow…I mean a free-range child.
So which type of parent is best?
I think it’s fairly obvious that balancing somewhere in the middle of helicopter and free-range parenting is best. But most of us aren’t that good at slacklining. (Believe me, I tried during a brief Birkenstock, dreads-are-cool stint in college). Most parents lean toward one side or the other…so which are you?
Given my childhood, it would seem I would lean toward free-range parenting. And I wish I could. I really wish I could let my kids hop on their bikes and go. But we live in an expansive city, with speeding cars and plenty of strangers. I wish I could let my daughter spend the night at a friend’s house from school, whom I don’t know, just because I trust in humankind. While I wish I could, but I just can’t. Because I read the news.
Is there a good, better, or best type of parent? That is a rhetorical question.
The backpack incident
It was the first week of school for my little Kindergartner. She was ecstatic about going to a big school on her own, meeting new friends, and carrying a shiny new backpack. Everything was still new, exciting, and a little scary. We were in a hurry that morning and rushed out the door with the ladybug backpack still perched on the stairs. When we got to the school, with only a few minutes to spare, M discovered that the backpack was missing.
“We have to go back,” she begged.
“We don’t have time,” I insisted. “It’s not a big deal.”
It was a big deal, to a Kindergartner who was only on her third day of school. The bell rang, and I impatiently convinced her to go to school without the backpack, tears welling in her huge blue eyes.
I will never in a million years forget the way her shoulders slumped and shuddered as she walked that million-mile walk into school, sobbing. It was not a contrived, snobby little fit (I know the difference because there are plenty of those), but rather her little heart was truly broken. I will never forget the way I felt. Like garbage. Sad garbage. How could I let her start her bright new day off that way?
The Voice Inside My Head
The whole drive home, the accusation rang in my head: “helicopter parent, helicopter parent…if you get that backpack for her, you will be a helicopter parent”. I tried to take that voice’s side. In the grand scheme of things, M would survive if she didn’t have her backpack for a day. It would actually teach her a lesson–yes, that’s it! This experience would teach her a valuable lesson in responsibility. The devil in my head assured me, “Just drive away; she needs to experience disappointment.” The angel in my heart said, “But she’s just a small child. Would it really be so hard to go back and get her backpack? It would mean the world to her.”
I pictured those heaving shoulders, and my heart-broken little girl at school all day, sad and alone, and I realized…some life-lessons can wait. Right now, my heart was telling me to go home, grab that backpack, and rush back to school. My head was still chiding, “helicopter parent, helicopter parent.”
I listened to my heart.
When I peeked into her classroom and saw her head down, silent tears falling on her desk, I was 100% certain I had made the right decision. I cracked open the door, made eye contact with M, and held up the backpack with a smile. She instantly lit up and there was sunshine in her eyes again.
In the grand scheme of things, that backpack probably wasn’t a big deal. She would have gotten over it and been just fine. But now she knew I was her advocate. That I cared about her enough to drive home and get the backpack. That I loved her.
So, which are you?
There are varying degrees of each type of parenting, and some days we may feel more like helicopters, and others, like cows. This article isn’t meant to condone or condemn one type of parenting over the other. I hope it merely gets you thinking.
The 30-year-old man who asks his mother to write his resume has been an obvious recipient of extreme helicopter parenting. On the other hand, the four-year-old preschooler who winds up on your doorstep asking for a snack may be the result of an over-relaxed free-range parent.
When do we justify that “hovering over” our children is truly in their best interest, and when do we realize that leaving them on their own, to explore and figure out life’s intricacies, is what will help them most?
Like I said, I don’t know the answers, but it gets me thinking.
Andie says
Wow! I completely agree with you 100%! I know that I am a helicopter mom but I am proud of it. God blessed me with this little human being and it’s my job to protect her and train her in the way she should go.
I too, grew up on a farm and spent many days exploring. Things that I would love for my daughter to be able to do. But let’s be honest…we live in a different world now than we did 30 years ago. It’s simply not safe!
And let me just say that I would’ve went back and got the backpack too. I think there is a fine line between helicoptering and smothering kids to the point where they can’t take care of themselves. My 4 year old is very independent and she’s also the one who watches out for her younger cousins and friends.
Thank you for this! Keep up the good work Mama and God will continue to bless you. Merry CHRISTmas! 🙂
Kristen says
You Preach it Mama! People don’t realize that today is very different than 30 years ago. Like you, I lived in a small town and was free to graze like a cow every single day of my life until dark..however, I too don’t allow my kids to do the same because of where we live, in a huge city and its just plainly not safe today.
My kids have that same no sleepover rule; not because I am being mean but because the world isn’t the same as it used to be and I don’t always feel I can trust the parents; my child is just fine not having sleepovers.
I also would have went back for the backpack; Its not being the helicopter parent, I think its more doing to others as you would like done to you. And honestly until you have literally carried a child inside you for 40 weeks, went through labor and delivery, spent countless hours rocking an upset little human to sleep not knowing the cause of their pain but can see it in their little eyes, you just don’t understand. If someone wants to say its helicopter parenting then you know what I am PROUD to be that mom; knowing I did all I could to help my child become an awesome person someday!
Brooke says
I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post! You said everything so perfectly. I really think I’m a mix between the two, just maybe not 50/50. I think I lean more towards being a helicopter parent, and I’m totally fine with that. I’d rather my kids knew I was there for them just like you were there for your daughter when the backpack was left at home! I want them to know that they can turn to me for help. I’m their mother, that is what I’m supposed to do. Of course, I do have expectations for my children. I don’t take care of their responsibilities, but I will always help them if it is needed. Great post!
Jana says
I never felt that a helicopter parent was an over involved parent. I always equated it with those that interceded on their child’s behalf about everything==talking to the coach when their child didn’t get enough playing time, confronting the playground bully rather than talking to the teacher or going through the appropriate channels, or making excuses for all their child’s behavior. I have many friends who don’t let their children have sleepovers or go on sleepovers that I could never call helicopter parents. To me it’s the one that never let their child taste any sort of consequence or disappointment that are helicopter parents. But you are right, a mix of both is definitely the best way to go about it!
Nana T. says
I am not a young mommy, and to some, not a young grand mommy either! My children are grown and some of their children grown as well. After reading your very well written post, I can only say that if ever I forget my backpack…I hope to have you on my side too. Much love to you dear and may the holidays be filled with joy for you and your family.
JACQUI says
I feel it’s kind of sad that as a parent today every ounce of our parenting style, child’s behaviour, our child’s academic success is judged and labelled by those around us. I feel that labelling does no service to help us or our children be better people. Anyway I think there are many parenting styles and its hard to fit people in just two categories.
Linda says
Mommas pick your battles. Swoop in when it makes sense, and let them explore when the time is right. In my experince – first as a teacher and then as a mom of 10 year old twins, I’ve found most concerned parents try to strike a balance. I think just knowing the difference between the two extremes makes me pay attention to striking a balance. I hope you do, too.
Laura says
For a kindergartener, not a helicopter mom moment… if she had been in high school… different story. I think that’s the difference – “Learning a lesson” should happen when she’s old enough- third day of kindergarten is a little bit too fast in the process. 🙂 🙂
Angela says
I grew up with parents who were a balance – sleepovers were something I knew not to even ask about, and if I was going to a friends house my parents insisted on meeting their parents first and having phone numbers and addresses. But I also spent my free time exploring the woods and neighborhood with my best friends just so long as I was home when the streetlights came on. I hope to be the same way. No sleepovers for my little one – you just can’t trust people!
Amy B. says
If you wanted your article to not show a bias toward either parenting style, you probably shouldn’t have called free range parents “cows.” Word choice matters. It’s obvious which way you lean.
Betty Farnsworth says
I fully agree that calling free range parenting cows is insulting. Free range parenting is not just letting your children roam. Its about letting them have choices. If they don’t want to be involved in scheduled activities, you don’t schedule them. You don’t make them change teachers because you don’t like the teacher. Its about letting them learn responsibility for different things that are age related. Any good parent would go back and get the backpack. But as said if you do it for a teen, its not appropriate. I have a granddaughter who was moved from one classroom to another because the parent had a problem with the teacher. The boys in that family would tell their mom that they didn’t like a teacher in high school and mom got them out of that class. They eventually quit school. They have a hard time getting a job because if they didn’t like the boss they quit. To me a helicopter parent makes the decisions and the child has no opportunity to learn to fend for themselves. Studies show the world is not worse, in fact better. It just wasn’t talked about or publicized in the past. Now we teach and inform our children of the dangers so they know what to do if they are exposed to dangers. At sometime you will have to trust them to know what is right and how to make their own choices.
Samantha says
I hate thinking of it as helicopter vs. free range. I don’t think I am either one of those. I have four kids in a stair step style. some ways I keep them close and in some ways I let them roam. as long as your kids are fairly happy, polite, and well behaved then I believe I am doing a good job. God-bless you 🙂
CJ says
I feel like there is a balance, and it depends on the child and their age. My eldest is a 2nd grader and we have been working on personal responsibility. A few weeks ago, my daughter came in at 6:30 in the morning to tell us about a project that was due that morning she forgot to tell us about. This forced a pointed conversation with my husband. On one hand, we wanted her to learn to take responsibility for her homework. On the other hand, she was being moved into a brand new class and this was her first day with her new teacher. We ended up helping her that morning and she did a great job.
I know that won’t be the last time we have to weigh the two approaches. And as the kids get older, it will be a constant balance between teaching them to take personal responsibility and us putting guardrails around them to keep them from experiences they aren’t ready for.
ciara says
The back pack story reminded me of me and my daughter, made me teary eyed
Cherees says
I am a total helicopter parent. I would much rather be that than on the sidelines where you never know what is going on. I have a teenager and two babies. The teenager has even told me I am a helicopter mom and I always tell her, I rather her be safe and know what is going on then like so and so’s mom that doesn’t even know half of what her daughter is doing. She always agrees with me but normally says it when she is angry about my decisions on something. The two babies I have been a little more relaxed with but I still jump when one cries or needs something, they are always within arms reach. I know I made the right decisions in parenting because my daughter has told me more than once, thank you for always being there for me and me being able to talk to you about anything with out you getting judgey and upset.
I say keep up doing what your doing because you parent the way you want to and no matter what anyone says you have to do what you know will keep your children happy!
Kelli G. says
Helicopter Mom and PROUD of it!!!! I have 3 littles and its MY job to care for and protect my babies that each took 9 months to make 🙂 did I mention that makes 27 months total? Yeah, super proud of my helicopter status! I’ll wear it 🙂
Julia says
I am a high school math teacher and parent of a kindergartener and 2nd grader. In my opinion, going back for the backpack at her young age is NOT being a helicopter parent. That’s just making a good decision for your child. Helicopter parenting is much more extreme. It’s when the parent is so involved that the child can’t learn how to deal with struggle or failure (which is when some of our greatest lessons are learned.). Obviously, the amount of involvement should decrease as the child grows up. For many helicopter parents, it doesn’t. I have a hard time labeling most parents as helicopter or free range because both are extremes. Good parenting is helping your child grow into an adult who is capable of making their own good decisions and can be responsible and self-sufficient. That doesn’t mean they will but good parenting teaches them how. It also should be different for each child. They all have different strengths and weaknesses and good parenting adapts to that. Neither extreme is very effective at those goals. I agree that it lies somewhere in the middle.
Andrea says
I completely agree! Our goal in parenting should be to raise capable, mature adult and the way that looks at age 2, Kindergarten, or Sixth Grade is going to look completely different! Also, I might allow my child some free-range roaming of the woods behind my parents’ house or the neighborhood where we live, but still want to meet their teachers and know how my child is doing in their classes.
Jude says
Please mommies! As an elementary school teacher, I am dismayed at the hoops parents jump through to avoid tears and guilt rather than embrace “problem solving”. Too often a child cries in moments such as the backpack incident because they feel lost and powerless. We all want to be there for our children in time of need, but let’s look for opportunities to make THEM the hero – instead of feeling guilt because you can’t make everything go right, show them how to work through things when they go wrong, In the backpack incident, the child was taught that life is a contradiction: Mommy says there is “not time” to go back, Yet she appears. Message to child: Is this by magical tears? Did the world stop for me? Instead, consider another option: tell your child the problem, Explain there is no time, but perhaps talking to the teacher to figure out if there’s something in the backpack that is definitely needed by a particular time. so everyone can adjust Together, the parent and child can come up with a a calm, reasonable plan to correct the problem. You can leave without guilt, your child can stop with the tears (or if they continue, be reassured there is a plan while the parent is away), and the child can move forward. Imagine the angst the child felt in the meantime w the helicopter solution and how it impacts them and everyone else.. When the problem is eventually resolved -even if you went right home to retrieve the backpack anyway- the child feels like they have some control of the situation and the world didn’t end (or have to stop for them); Let’s look for opportunities for our children to see themselves as their own pilots – not as lost creatures that need hovering or corralling.
Karli says
I have to politely disagree with your discriptions of both labels. My personal view of a helicopter parent is one who intercedes on EVERYTHING, even that which the child is totally capable of handling. There are some parents who won’t let their 12 year olds use the toaster. Also, having worked in universities, helicopter parents are those who micromanage their GROWN children’s lives. That’s a far cry from rescuing your sweet kindergartener or making a decision about a family standard (sleepovers) about which you feel good. Also, helicopter parents have a tendency towards worst-first thinking, in which the worst possible scenario (no matter how remote the possibility) is the one that drives decision making instead of looking at the facts, statistics and making parenting decisions based on reality and not the news segment intended to frighten you. True helicopter parenting can be damaging to children, stunting their growth, causing them to be fearful of the world and not able to think for themselves. However, I’d venture that few parents truly go that far down the spectrum. Conversely, few parents let their kids completely fend for themselves with such a hands-off approach that they never know where they. We have to be very careful, however, not to label parents as neglectful or lazy when they intentionally make different parenting choices. Free-range is supposed to be about training your kids at age-appropriate levels to take on responsibility for themselves. It’s not to turn them loose with no preparation. I choose to let me kids wait in the car when I run into our UPS Store or the library for a few minutes in our mild climate. I know they can handle, and I have intentionally researched the safety of it. I have my children under the age of 6 leave my side in a grocery store to grab items is few aisles over because I know they can handle it, and the probability of something happening to them is so insignificantly small (much less danger than they were in in the car ride on the way to the store) that I believe the benefits outweigh the negatives. I see many comments from self-desribed “proud helicopter moms” who then go on to say it’s their job to train protect and train their children in they way they should go. Well, that’s almost exactly the free-range philosophy. We believe it’s our duty to TRAIN our children, especially to be independent and competent. Also, we want to protect our children, but in most cases realize we won’t always be able to be there to do so, and believe that the best defense for our children is giving them to opportunities to learn to protect themselves and be confident in their ability to do so. In all, I think the goals of almost all parents are the same (with the exception of the extreme cases on either end) but the methodology may vary. And that’s okay. We should support each other, realizing their is no one-size fits all approach.
Stephanie says
I trust my kids…it’s the other people I don’t trust. Unfortunately sex offenders don’t have sex offender tattooed on their foreheads!
Betty Farnsworth says
I agree with everything you said.
Rosemary says
I hope I was a combination of all of those. As a working Mom, teaching 30 miles away, my girls stayed with their grandparents. I took them there every morning and then picked them up and we went home and prepared dinner. Grandma/grandpa fed them breakfast and took them to school as well as picked them up. My girls had to be resourceful and self sufficent because if they(we) forgot anything, they would have to do without. I remember my oldest going to school one day with two different shoes, but it didn’t seem to bother her! They learned to be do without, plan ahead and not let small disappointments get you down at an early age.
esther says
This article is so obviously biased. According to your definition, I am a helicopter parent but if I wasn’t, I would be embarassed to say so because of the way you wrote this. I don’t think that in today’s world, “free range” parent means someone who lets their kids wander the streets- as many people said, that is just unsafe today. Free range today probably just means parents who let their kids fight their own battles and are teaching them conflict resolution skills, instead of resolving the conflicts for them. I wish I was more like that! Anyhow, I think the definitions in this article are really simple and not relevant at all and the whole article was about you feeling better about being called a helicopter mom (which is understandable).
Kirsten says
I agree Ester, I object to the comments of “cow” parenting not knowing where their kids are, or that I am not always there for my children, because I give them the freedom to learn some stuff on their own, it does not mean I do not have their backs when needed. I happen to be somewhere in the middle, but probably a lot more free range than others, however, I also have a lot of friends who sit up and listen when I see danger, because instead of seeing it in EVERYTHING I really do see it in dangerous situations. Parent they way you feel comfortable, do the best for your children, but please don’t judge me because my levels of risk and learning lessons are different to yours. Maybe I am too sensitive, but when people imply they I don’t have my children’s best interests at heart because I allow them to sleep over ( I have my own criteria to allow) and other situations that you as a parent are not comfortable with, I do get a bit on the offensive.
Stephanie says
I do request teachers for my kids. There are certain grade levels where a teacher is significantly better than another and I refuse to have a wasted year due to an incompetent teacher. My daughter had a teacher who was mean to her (and other children). Why would I let my son in that classroom. If that earns me a label so be it. I don’t really give a hoot. I know I am doing what is best for my kids.
Cora says
Not only would I have returned with the backpack, I probably would have walked extra fast – to the point of exhaustion, haha – to get it to the classroom and worried the entire time about my ‘baby’s’ heart being so broken. Maybe I would have brought him back home with me to get it and then simply told the teacher I had been running behind that morning so we were late. I have been accused of being to scheduled, too organized, too involved, etc… ! I may be a “hover-mom” but at least my child knows he can ALWAYS count on me.
As for the cows… well… they’re cows…and there are a lot of carnivores out there. Enough said. There is, however, a third group of kids, I call them “MUSHROOM KIDS”. They are the ones who just sit there and need all but a prodding to get them motivated to not just follow what the other kids are doing, to get up from a tv, computer, iPad or to do something, ANYTHING creative or on their own…they are the ones that the mothers forget are even in the room because they just blend in with the curtains. I used to care for a cow/mushroom child. He was so visually impaired, he could hardly maneuver through a room and it was only because of my “over-attentive” helicoptering comments to his parents about it that he got to an eye doctor and got glasses. Turns out, he could only see 6-12″ in front of him clearly. So, given my personal experiences, I’d pick my hover / helicopter mom ways each time!
Lauren says
You know that scene with the turtles in finding nemo? The one where the little tutle goes flying off in the current and nemo’s dad freaks out, and the turtle’s dad tells him to calm down. Then nemo’s dad asks him how you know the kids are ready to do something on their own, and he says “Well, you never really know. But when they know, you’ll know, you know?”
I watched nemo years before I had a kid of my own, and I don’t think I’ve watched it since (I really should, I think my son would like it), but somehow that line always stuck with me, and seems to be the foundation of my parenting style.
I’ll use the backpack as an example, because it’s right there to compare.
On my son’s first day of junior kindergarten, I asked him if he wanted to help pack his bag and he said “no, but make sure my new pencils are in there”. Then I asked him if he wanted to carry it to school, and he said it was too far. So I took the responsibility of packing his bag and carrying it on our walk to school.
This year, on his first day of senior kindergarten, he hopped up on a stool in the kitchen and told me what he wanted in his lunch, put his pencil case and lunch bag in his bag himself, and then carried it all to school without me ever asking him to do any of it. He decided he was ready, and the one day that he forgot his backpack, he told me that I didn’t have to get it for him because he should have remembered. I got it anyways (hypoglycemia would not be fun without a lunch), but he hasn’t forgotten since.
Similarly, up until a few months ago, he had very few responsibilities around the house. He looked after his toys because of a discussion we had a year or so ago (you want my old iphone, daddy’s old laptop, and a leap pad? Do you think you’re responsible enough to not break them?), and that was it. Then he suddenly wanted to help with dishes and laundry and other chores… and then when he wanted something at the store, we got “but I was really good and helped lots!” with those pleading eyes. So we started a chore chart, with monetary rewards. Now we buy the necessities and he buys everything else.
I’ve never jumped on the playground when he gets into arguments with other kids, but he’ll sometimes come ask me for help if he’s having trouble resolving it himself. He’s even asked for my help with some parents who were trying to force him to follow their family’s playground rules.
Usually, as long as I can see him and he can see me, we’re both fine. We know where to find each other if we need to.
I guess that makes me a cow 😛 But it really depends on the kid. This is how I am with my son, and with some of the kids I’ve babysat in the past, but with my niece I’m all helicopter… but that’s mostly because she hasn’t earned the same trust with me that my son has. When I turn my back, she’ll be on the counter or out the door or riding the dog or doing whatever I just told her not to. She’s the same age as my son, but they’re polar opposites in personality.
Noelle says
I think as parents we grow with our child. We all start out as ‘helicopters.’ We have to, our baby needs us to do everything for them. Then as they grow we are there beside them to teach and guide them. I would follow a two year old closely at a playground because they are still learning to take turns, not hit, not run off with a stranger. Once they grow and learn I can then take a step back. I am slowly becoming a cow. We slowly learn how to not step in all the time and how to teach the child to deal with a situation. Age and situation are big factors we have to weigh. It is a sliding scale, we will not all be in the same place at the same time either, but the goal is we need to be sliding towards a cow as our children are growing.
Johanna says
Your story about your daughter even made me cry. I don’t think we need to label ourselves. We just need to do what’s best for our children every day and if that turns out to be helicopter-ing or mooing, then so be it. Do your best. That’s what we teach them to do and we should practice what we preach. I like your writing; it’s from the heart.
Cathy Conley says
I am through raising my kids but found your topic of interest. I was raised a “cow also, but times have changed and I think if you are not a helicopter parent then you are not doing your job. Gone are the days when you could let your kids play outside, somewhere in the neighborhood until dark or dinner time. There are too many risks out there today. It is sad that they will never enjoy the freedom that we did as kids, but for their own safety and our peace of mind, we must be there to hover and protect them, like the good helicopters that we are.
Monika says
Beautiful post, Nicolette! Made tears well up in my eyes, too.
I’m definitely a helicopter mom, and I’ve run back home for lunch boxes and forgotten gym bags, more often than I could count. Even though, my girls are 7 and 10, I still walk with them to our picket fence to wave goodbye, until I can no longer see them in the distance. The whole village probably thinks I’m nuts, but nobody could stop me from doing it. And I feel good about it. I get so much love in return, and I know that my children do appreciate it. Maybe one day, that’s why they. too, will be caring mothers.
When school is over, I’m waiting by the picket fence, giving them a loving hug, listening to their cheerful voices, as they both babble on about their days at the same time.
Amber Schulte says
There’s a saying, “To my children I give two things, one is roots; the other wings”
I love being a helicopter parent!
Jean H says
Personally, I think there is a difference between an involved parent, and a helicopter parent. I, for one, do not think I had helicopter parents- despite also not being allowed to sleep over, or take off without permission, etc. I think I was raised fairly middle ground.
However, I will tell you that, as a ski/snowboard instructor, that mainly teaches younger children, I have encountered a good number of helicopter parents.
They’re the parents that stand on the side of the hill for the /hour/ long lesson, despite not being allowed on the snow- who can barely see their kid, but still insist on watching them, as if they could magically gauge what was happening, despite being unable to hear or really even see their child. (often this causes issues for dependent children who see their parent standing there, and suddenly don’t want to learn because they want to go to their mom/dad)
I’ve had parents, that were in their own lesson halfway up the hill, unstrap and walk down /to put their child’s glove on/ for them (despite me being in the process of just that. they will literally interrupt me when I’m almost done, to tell me to let them do it).
These helicopter parents will step into the lesson (even after being told they aren’t allowed on the snow), to try to “encourage” their child, or yell things they heard me tell the kid earlier (even if its no longer relevant, and actually the wrong instructions for what we’re doing)
Helicopter parents are so desperate to be included in every aspect of their kids’ experience, that they often end up ruining it in the process. It’s a lot harder for professionals to teach when they have a parent that’s never done the sport before try to throw in advice, or distract their child, or interrupt the lesson.
/That/ is a helicopter parent.
julie says
Helicopter parenting for a young child is really not the issue. I work a lot with college students, and we seen helicopter parenting run amuck! You would not believe how many parents want to swoop in and solve every little challenge their child faces. It is really damaging to a child’s development. It is important to know how and when to step back and let your child deal with situations.
Chris says
I don’t agree with the “hovering angel” and the “cow devil” getting your daughters backpack on the 3rd day of school because she forgot it isn’t hovering, it’s showing you that you will be there for her and that sometimes people make mistakes like forgetting ladybug backpacks and it’s okay to lean on and ask family for support and help. But if she does what my daughter (end of 3rd grade) did and that is leave her backpack at home several times a week for months and I got that phone call leaving work to drop it off for her in the few hours I had to do errands before going back to work then after a while I feel I did the right thing and I said I’m sorry but you deserved that detention. We leave the house early so every morning I remind them to grab their bags and shoes and socks and brush hair and teeth and when she doesn’t do it because she was playing with the cat and refused to stop and grab her bag was not okay. I grabbed it the first couple of times, but after a while she had to learn and I was on a field trip and I couldn’t turn the bus around to go and grab it. To me that isn’t being a cow just like the first few times going back and getting it isn’t being a helicopter parent. Kids forget, especially young ones. Heck, even my high schooler students forget their bags from time to time, we as parents just have to decide when you are enabling your child or punishing your child or doing what is right by them. I don’t think that anyone here wants to see their babies fail, but at some point you need to stop holding their hand so tightly (but still keep them at arms reach to catch them if the have a nasty spill) and realize that you raised your baby to stand up to this world. They had you as an example, and they have what you taught them and they need to learn sometime to take responsibility for themselves and trust that you raised them right, but start with little things and grow together from there and let them take a consequence or two to learn that our choices have outcomes and the right thing to do is to accept, deal, and, if bad, do better next time. It was hard for me to hear my baby tell me that she was going to get detention, but after she got it a couple of times she learned that she has to start taking responsibility for herself and she didn’t forget her bag for the rest of the school year except for one day. Choosing to teach your child that everybody makes mistakes and she was able to learn how upsetting it was to forget it and she probably won’t again for a while is not a bad thing just like realizing that it’s okay to say no, it’s time to take responsibility for your actions is not a bad thing, it’s all a crucial point in the child learning and growing and you being the best parent that you can be for your child. Each child is different, some need hovering and some learn better accepting the consequences, none of it is bad, just different for each unique kid.
And seriously, being called a helicopter just because you want to know the person that your kid is hanging out with and know the family that the kid will be spending the night with? You monster (yes sarcasm) I tell my littles as well as my students, sucks to be them because they got stuck with someone who cares about them, if I didn’t then they would be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want but instead I look out for each and every single one of them because that’s my job as the adult. Okay going to stop my medicated ramblings and sleep before my back starts hurting again
bronwyn says
I get u about the decision to go back for the backpack….shame that was early days tho wasn’t it? When u could still afford the time and effort to be a helicopter parent….and it’s definitely important for your kid and yourself to know u would do that for them……but then week 2 the back pack is forgotten again. And then the sport kit was forgotten for sports then library books werent packed in the backpack….now its time for free range abit….if u want your books at school to partake in reading then u have to remeber them…..you can’t keep helicopter in their stuff for them can you? What are they learning…that they aren’t responsible for anything and that if things don’t go their way it allways your fault or someone else’s. … a healthy balance is needed but it’s like a tightrope walk type of balance. ….very very tricky!
Brittany says
Parenting can be so hard. I think every parent just wants what is best for their kids and sometimes it’s hard to know what is the right thing to do. Obviously we all have our own way of going about that. Every child and situation is unique and I think it’s our job as parents to know our kids and what they need. One kid might thrive on free range parenting while another child of the same family wouldn’t be able to handle that much freedom. Same said with helicopter parenting. Ultimately I try to give others the benefit of the doubt when it comes to parenting. I’m sure we are all trying our best! your article did give me some things to think about.