If there’s one profession that can fill you with pride and joy one minute and then make you feel like a total Jerk-Nugget the next, it’s motherhood. It’s okay though, because another moment is on its way in which you will feel righteous anger, over-tear-filled-whelming LERVE, or complete bafflement.
No emotion is off the table for parents. We’re very much like humans in that way. We just seem to rotate through emotions faster than our fellow non-procreating sapiens. Of all the many mental health issues we seem to go through after giving birth to babies, the most universal and longest-lasting appears to be Emotional Rollercoasterism, or ERC. The baby comes out and you strap in because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.
But you’ll love it!
But you’ll totally hate it for a minute.
But then you’ll love it. You might even clap your hands and say, “Again, AGAIN,” before you remember that every ride includes just way too much fecal matter. But by then it’s too late. And you’re glad you forgot because you really really do want to do it again.
The story I share today is of the Jerk-Nugget variety, but it’s okay because it has a happy ending. The ending is happy because it comes with a realization. Realizations are my favorite.
One night my ten-year-old daughter was terrified. She couldn’t sleep. I climbed up the ladder into her bunk bed and rubbed her back to calm her.
“What’s the matter, Honey?” I asked.
“I’m so scared, Mom. I’m so scared. Every time I close my eyes I picture flying over the handlebars of my bike and I know I have to ride again, but I’m so, so scared.”
A couple of weeks earlier, she’d finally mastered bike riding, years after her younger brother, and with much begging and coercing from me and her dad. She just didn’t like riding a bike, never had.
The only reason she tried to ride in the first place was because I’d given her a big fat guilt trip.
“Do you wanna be the only middle schooler who can’t ride a bike? Won’t it be embarrassing if all your friends go for a ride and invite you and you have to tell them that you never learned this basic skill?”
She cried every time I put her on that bike, sometimes going boneless and just flopping over, but I kept pushing. To be fair, I was doing it out of love. I love biking and I love her and I know she’s capable of learning anything she puts her mind to.
But that trip a couple of weeks earlier, on her final ride, she’d made a tight turn and flown over the handlebars. Her face bounced on the cement, chipping her front teeth. She’d twisted her wrist and ankle and skinned her knee and face. And now she was terrified.
So I held her in my arms and thought about all the pressure I’d put on her, the guilt and shame I’d heaped into her little heart. Here she was terrified because I’d convinced her that she’d never be happy in life if she couldn’t ride a bike. What the what?!
Brain zap! She doesn’t ever need to ride a bike. A brief list of reasons I wanted her to ride:
1. So she could have fun. There are a ton of ways to have fun. If you hate doing something and your mother forces you to, what are the chances it will be a fun experience?
2. Everyone else is doing it. Ummmm…. Not a reason. For anything.
3. So her friends wouldn’t tease her. Do I want her to have friends who will tease her because there is a certain recreational activity that she doesn’t particularly care for?
4. So we can ride as a family. This one is semi-valid, although there are plenty of other activities we can do as a family if biking is something she is really, truly terrified of.
I thought for a second about how it would feel if Dan arbitrarily decided it was urgent that every member of our family learn how to skateboard so we could do it together. What if the kids picked it up immediately but I was forever falling and breaking all of my delicate parts? What if he kept pushing and pushing me to board. “You’re the only person who doesn’t know how. You just have to keep trying. You’re going to be so embarrassed if you don’t figure this out.” JERK. NUGGET.
Laylee shook in my arms and I told her she didn’t ever need to ride a bike. Staggering truth – she could have a totally successful life, even if she never learned.
But I love riding my bike. Could she really be happy if she didn’t master all the same skills as her mother? Yeah.
She could be more than happy. She could be brilliant.
It was a moment of re-realizing that I’m not raising an army of Mini-Mes. I’m raising people with their own likes, dislikes, talents and weaknesses. Hopefully, I’m raising people who make choices out of love and joy, not guilt and fear.
With each reassurance that life would go on with or without the bike and that I’d never pressure her to ride again, her heartbeat slowed and I felt her body relax. After a few sniffles, she found her way to sleep and I crept down the ladder a changed mom.
Confession. I hope she chooses to ride a bike someday. I think she could love it. And there will be opportunities here and there that she’ll miss out on if she never learns. But, I don’t want her to learn a hobby by force and I don’t want her to have nightmares about something that’s supposed to be fun.
As a parent, it’s such a hard balance between pushing my kids to succeed because I want them to be happy and just pushing them sheepishly because, well, baa, everyone rides a bike or jerkishly because they have to be little Kathryn clones. On this rollercoaster of motherhood, I’d like to err on the side of too much love and mercy. My kids do not need to ride bikes. Or scuba dive. Or crochet.
Playing Rook, on the other hand, is non-negotiable.
Family Gathered Again says
Hey Kathryn,
Wonderful story! And you’re not a jerk-nugget at all :-). I’m stealing that phrase btw :-P. You’re absolutely right though. We so often try to push our kids using the “everyone else does it defense”, then in the same breath we’re angry when our kids do something irresponsible because “everyone else was doing it.” Talk about mixed signals! You have a beautiful perspective on life. My son is less than 1 year old, but I hope that I can maintain a similar perspective while raising him. Thanks.
All the best,
Laura
Kathryn Thompson says
Thank you! I don’t know if I ever maintain any perspective in my parenting, but I figure if I can keep recapturing it over and over again, I’ll do alright.
Nesleirbag says
In that moment on the top bunk with your daughter, I was there with you. You are such a good writer! I relate to your daughter’s fear. I was never very good at sports, party because I was afraid I would get hit, bruised or broken. Skis, water and snow, were just slippery things on my feet that made me feel out of control. Now the mother of five and grandmother of 24, I rejoice in watching them all recreate in many sporty ways, each with varying skill sets, but happy and secure in who they are. We’re all wired differently, and it’s okay. A world full of clones would be boring!
Kathryn Thompson says
Thanks! I’m surprised we all fit up there in that top bunk. It’s quite cozy with just me and my daughter. 🙂 A world of clones would be boring, indeed!
Megan says
I love your writing and your perspective on motherhood. Thanks from a fellow jerk nugget!
Jennifer says
As an adult that doesn’t know how to ride a bike, it is awesome that you are letting her make her own choice.
Angee says
Just what I needed to hear today – thanks!
Awesomemom says
That makes me feel better about my kids not knowing how to ride bikes. We have them and they still use training wheels but neither one of them seems all that excited about doing it so they haven’t advanced very far skill wise. When I was a kid I could not wait to learn to ride and even a broken arm from falling off my bike didn’t stop me from getting good.
Elizabeth says
Awesome article Kathryn. As a mom to a 10 and 7 year old daughters I live on that emotional roller coaster! Sometimes it takes those middle of the night talks to make everything a little clearer. I am glad I am not the only one going… Oh – duh!!”. Thanks for sharing 🙂
The Real Person!
ERC. I like that! Having just jumped on the ride again, with no sleep and lots of diapers, I am glad the downs are forgotten sooner than the fun ups.
STACY says
I love this post! You are the best writer! I have had many moments parenting my 6 kids with very similar thoughts. I tend to assume my kids will like and love the things that I do. It is so true that they don’t have to be clones of ourselves to be happy and successful people. This was a great reminder! Thank you!!!
Sarah Livingston says
Thanks for writing that. I actually felt embarrassed that my son can’t ride a bike at age 8. But you helped me see the big picture. I hope he does someday, but the important thing is I was here to teach him if he wanted to.
Heather Walter says
Aww.. I don’t have kids, but I felt like I lived this vicariously through your writing. Poor Laylee! My youngest sister was like that. I could ride and she was much older than I was when I learned when she finally “got it”. I remember my mom sort of saying “well, whatever” and she eventually wanted to do it and then she learned.
Mindy says
What a great way to look at this situation. I would’ve done the same thing you did (pushing to ride a bike) and not sure I would’ve come to your conclusion so thank you for making me think about this in a new way. Definitely a lesson that I can apply to raising my kids. I loved it!
Melanie says
I love this post! My oldest has autism and I’ve learned this lesson over and over with him. He did learn to ride his bike, but doesn’t like it a lot. He doesn’t have many friends, and does things very differently than I did as a kid. But I finally don’t give a crap!! He’s doing his thing and if it makes him happy, I’m not going to force him into situations that he hates. We still provide opportunities for him to grow in these areas, but I’ve learned to let a lot of this go. Great post and thanks for sharing!
Johanna says
Wow! This is so refreshing for me to read!!! I’ve been feeling so guilty lately for my seven year old not knowing how to ride a without training wheels yet! But reading this has allowed me to cut myself some slack. The fact is I’m a single mom who works and goes to school and I sadly don’t have the time I’d like to have with her, but hopefully that will change soon; For now, I just want to thank you for making me realize that I can give myself a little breather about it, so THANK YOU!
Sarah says
Thank you. Sometimes we feel pressured to make sure our kids learn certain skills. My oldest had a traumatic bike riding experience. She CAN do it and that’s enough for her. #2 has no interest in riding a bike. He uses a scooter. #3 is a bike riding daredevil.
Betsy says
“I crept down the ladder a changed mom.” Beautiful! Isn’t that motherhood in a nutshell? Having a soul-changing experience and then creeping away so you don’t wake anybody up?
kathryn says
I love this comment. I want to insert it into the post there. Way to fill in and enrich the meaning of my words!
Stacey says
wow, this article really resonates. My son is 6 and can barely ride his bike even with training wheels. He just isn’t all that interested in it but like you, and for all the same reasons you listed, I have been pushing him to ride even though he doesn’t really want to. Thanks for sharing this.
Annie says
Jerk. Nugget. Love it! I can so relate… My 17 yo old son absolutely refuses to ride a bike. My 13 yo daughter took her training wheels off on her own many years ago lol Motherhood, what a beautiful ride 🙂
Dave J says
This was an excellent post with a lot of good thoughts, I just wish the example hadn’t been riding a bike. We used a balance bike to get our daughters started and even though they are typically extremely sensitive and risk adverse my 4 year old was transitioned from a balance bike to her big kid bike with zero help from me. Not one word of support or encouragement. It’s just a more natural way to learn to ride. Balance first, then pedals later. It’s amazing. Anyway great ideas but get balance bike and your kids will be riding in no time with zero trauma.
kathryn says
I wish it hadn’t been about riding a bike too. 🙂 But that’s what I ended up with. We do have a balance bike for our youngest but have had trouble getting her to ride it. Perhaps seeking out some flat ground would be helpful.
Kristin says
Thank you for sharing this. My oldest can be very resistant to doing new things, and I always feel like I’m straddling the line between encouraging and pushing too hard. I just don’t want him missing out on life because of his fears. I often have to remind myself to let him be his own person, and he will come to things in his own time. Really great writing.
Heather says
Omigosh. THANK YOU for this! I have been pushing my 2nd grade son to *at least* ride the scooter if not his bike. Please?! And why? For all those lame reasons you shared.
He has asked to try other things (baseball, soccer, basketball, flag football, tae kwon do) and I’ve enrolled him in every one because I think you need to at least try something out. Turns out he liked some & didn’t like others. And that was okay because I was proud that he tried. I’m not sure why I keep pushing the bicycling thing. I’m guessing he’ll want to try again some day but if he doesn’t? Ehhhh. Gonna let this one go. Thanks for giving me that push.
Jackie Lee says
Beautiful and eye opening! Hey, what about a tandem bike for those family bike rides?!!!
kathryn says
Love that idea!
Susan Carroll says
AuntSue
Oh I am with you on the mother roller-coaster! Many moments, many things I wish I could take back and have a do-over. Reading your post, I am so glad you were able to see bike riding from your daughters point of view. My fourth of six children has always marched to a drum only he could hear. He can ride a bike, but prefers to walk because he likes/needs to see everything. He had only a learner’s permit instead of a driver’s license for 10 years, because there was too much going on around him while driving. Although on long freeway drives in western states he is awesome. He is very smart and is the only person I know to get 100% on 4 different state driving t.ests after one quick read of the manual. But he is happy, He does things his way.
Katie @ Something Winnderful says
I love this! I never learned how to ride a bike and I’d like to think I turned out just fine. My parents encouraged me to learn but I didn’t like it nor want to so they left it alone. Yes, it did make plans complicated sometimes, but there were always other options. Most people were just surprised I never learned, nobody really made fun of me. There’s really nothing more to say when you tell someone the reason you don’t know how is because you just didn’t want to. I’m glad you settled on not forcing her, I’m forever thankful my parent left the whole thing alone like you did.
Stephanie says
I just wanted to tell you that i never learned how to ride a bike, and never once did I feel I was missing out. My friends never teased me because I couldnf
Stephanie says
Sorry, writing on a tablet is hard, lol…. Anyway my friends never teased me because I couldn’t ride, and if it was somewhere I wanted to go along to they would either have me ride on the handle bars, or would ride slow so I could keep up. I wanted to let you know this because maybe it will ease your fear of her missing out on something fun with her friends, by the way, wanting your kids to learn a skill doesn’t make you a jerk nugget.
Diane says
Sometimes you have to push a little to get people, even your kids, to try something new. Your only mistake was using the friends would tease her and everyone else is doing it. You already know that. Those are 2 big reasons why she shouldn’t try some things. Give her time and see if she wants to ride again on her terms. It must have been very scary to fly over the handlebars. I did push for something like this before. Swimming. My sons hated every day of the freezing water, but they know how to swim. Kids don’t always thank you for making them learn something, but in their heart they may know it’s right and appreciate it.
Crystal says
My 11 year old son has NEVER wanted to ride a bike. We’ve been through similar battles and I have finally given in. It took a few years for me to realize this, ha, but what’s the sense in forcing him to learn something simply because it was so fun for me as a child. That doesn’t mean it will be enjoyable for him. His little sister is 4 and she LOVES to ride her bike. Glad to read this story and see that I’m not the only jerk-nugget mom in the world. Thanks!
Jennifer says
This stop is just what I needed to read. As mom it’s in our nature to expose our children to everything we did as children and new things in general. I too have a 9yr who is terrified to ride her bike. She ‘ stall for her age so I had to buy her a 24’ nice bike which is huge to her. I just wanted her legs to be comfortable when she finally decides to ride. Although she named the bike, rider she has yet to attempt to ride and says she’s scared I have been so pushy this summer and used these same reasons. This lesson came right on time thank you .
Kelly Lang says
We had a very similar experience. My middle daughter had a traumatic brain injury at 3. By age 10, she didnt know how to ride a bike. We enrolled her in a special program that taught special needs kids,to ride in one week. At the end of the week she could ride. The following week my husband kept trying to get her to practice but she refused. We finally decided that if she didn’t have the desire to ride we couldn’t make her. We grew up at a time when everyone rode a bike but that’s not the case anymore. Glad you have her permission to relax and not worry.
The Real Person!
This is such a sweet story Kelly. Thanks for sharing.