Not gonna lie…last month was a hard month. Hard as a thousand root canals. Harder than my first legit job as a rotten potato sorter in sub-zero weather inhaling dirt and putrid potato smells.
But first, let me back up.
In mid-November we brought home a new baby boy. We spent the holidays loving on him, and even though we had bags under our eyes from sleepless nights, it was so sweet. Then January hit and the glittery curtain we were hiding behind crashed down. The reality that we now had four kids ages 5 and under hit like a Three Stooges slap to the face.
Four kids that all need buckled into car seats. Four little ones that couldn’t reach the top shelf, or that needed their teeth brushed, diaper changed, bum wiped, shoe tied, nose cleaned, tears soothed, hair combed, and tummies fed.
When January reared its ugly head, I was already overwhelmed, exhausted, and a little blue. Then we got hit with a series of unfortunate events that would make Lemony Snicket cackle. For proper appreciation they must be listed:
- My oldest contracted HSP, a rare inflammatory disease that causes painful rashes and bruises all over the legs and buttocks.
- My newborn was losing more and more weight when he should have been gaining.
- My right nipple {sorry guys} had a crack the size of the Grand Canyon which made nursing excruciating.
- 28 out of the 31 days in January were gloomy and devoid of sunshine.
- Four out of six of us caught the Influenza, immediately followed by ear infections.
- Finally, to put the cherry on top, a stomach virus ravaged the house that produced uncontrollable projectile vomit. It started with one kid, then like a domino effect, hit every single kid until I was up to my ears in barf, swimming in barf, smelling barf in my dreams…
{A side note about barf: When taking on the job of Parent, no one ever tells you that the amounts of vomit you will inevitably scoop with your bare hands, clean out of shaggy strands of carpet, scrub out of couch crevices, wash out of bed spreads, and extract from your hair will amount to gallons and gallons.}
To put it nicely, I was feeling a little off my game.
Okay, I was feeling like poo poo, and all I wanted to do was hide in a dark corner in my crusty jammies, away from all the barf and all the neediness and have a good cry and just feel sorry for myself.
So where does one turn in such a state. Facebook of course.
Normally, I’m a very upbeat person with little tolerance for down-in-the-dumps pity-party status updates that leave friends with no other option than to sooth you with condolences. You know, ambiguous statements like:
“Life can be so hard sometimes…”
or
“OMG, why does this have to happen to me today???”
But today, I just needed to vent. I fashioned a very eloquent pity post {mostly about barf} and before I could think it through, posted it. It was cathartic. I felt immediate relief just by putting my frustrations out to the world.
Then came the obligatory responses…”Oh, I’m so sorry.” “That stinks!” “Hang in there:)” and, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Then came the text that changed everything.
A local friend had seen my status update and instead of chiming in or clicking “like,” texted me that she was on her way over, armed with cleaning supplies and a steam mop.
And sure enough, 20 minutes later, there was a knock on my door and tears in my eyes because someone had recognized my cry for help and, instead of simply empathizing with me, had turned words into actions. This dear, sweet woman braved the barf and the germs and rolled up her sleeves to clean my toilets. My toilets! She introduced me to her good friend the steam mop {one you should all meet}, and side by side, we cleaned and sanitized my entire house together.
By the time we were finished, the sun was miraculously shining, my house smelled beautifully of Lysol, and the cloud encompassing my heart had completely dissolved. There was hope and beauty and kindness amidst all that barf and sickness and discouragement. All because one person turned words into actions.
The thing I learned from a text, a steam mop, and a whole lotta’ barf is that we should never ask, “Is there anything I can do?” We should just do.
The automatic response to, “Is there anything I can do?” is usually “No, I’m fine.” And had this friend asked if there was anything she could do to help, I would have said NO. I would never in a million years admitted I could use some help. In fact, I didn’t even realize exactly what kind of help I needed.
Because of this friend, I will never again ask the question, “Is there anything I can do?” Instead of asking, I will simply do. If I see a need, I will find some way, large or small, to fill it.
So as you see friends, barf can actually teach you something.
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Julene says
Can you tell us more about the fabulous steam mop? I’ve looked at many but don’t know what I’m really looking for or how to tell if it’s a good one.
Nicolette says
I believe it was a Shark steam mop and it was great on my hard wood floors. It cleans with steam and sanitizes at the same time. Totally on my wish list!
Kelli says
I know it’s an old post, but I highly recommend this Steam mop 🙂 Best $90 I ever spent , absolutely LOVE it, it got gunk off my floor that a butter knife and elbow grease wouldn’t get off tile floors!!!
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0091YYUAM?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00
janice says
Loved this article…can i post your meme to facebook? I try to live it but fail often…needed this reminder 🙂
Nicolette says
Of course! Thank you, and I too am trying desperately to be better at “just doing.”
Sophie 'Sunshines' Jones says
This a beautiful post! This is what we need so much more of. Support in action not a sad, smiley, thumbs up, thinking of y’all that never gets past the ‘like’ button.
Thank you for posting this … and yes steam mops are amazeballs! Everyone should have one 😉 xx
Valerie says
Just a side note for all moms who need help—do you know how many teenagers there are at your church who would like a babysitting job? Do you know how many grandmas there are at your church who would love to rock your babies and little ones (and they’ve “been there”!)? Perhaps this talent pool needs organized and publicized at your church for those times when you just need h.e.l.p..
Debra Palmer says
Reminds me of a time when my neighbor did something similar for me. I need to be better at just doing for others, too. Thanks for the reminder!
Annalynn says
When my son contracted HSP, it was the scariest two months of our lives while he suffered. I didn’t even realize how serious it was until our second trip to the children’s hospital and we were assigned the Chief of Staff for that and subsequent visits. Hang in there, and avoid the HSP moms discussion groups online – all those kids are really suffering, often fatally, and it will terrify you into thinking things are worse than they are. Hopefully you’ve found a good pediatric rheumatologist – they will be your lifesaver. And what a great friend to come over and help.
Misty says
I love this so much. 🙂 Social media is awesome, but there really is a problem with false intimacy. It’s so easy to look around and realize that out of all of the many “friends” you have, not a single one knows you well enough to step up and help you if you need it. (Though I suppose this has always been a problem… Maybe it’s just a function of how human beings interact?)
We all need a friend like this. I’m so glad to hear that you’re lucky enough to have found one!
lisa says
Great post and greater friend!!! She’s very inspiring, I wanna be like her, so no more asking, I’m just gonna do!
capturing joy with kristen duke says
Love this. I’m trying to be on the end of just doing, instead of asking.
Rachel says
In the article you say “we now had four kids ages 5 and under” but in the about the author box it says “full-time mom of three”… I’m sorry if I’m missing something. I’m new here i was just a bit confused.
Andrea says
Likewise, avoiding saying “Let me know if you need anything.” I’ve never taken anybody up on that offer, and I’m sure that the vast majority of other people haven’t either. Saying that puts the responsibility of getting help on the person who needs it. So if you really want to help them, just do it because they’ll probably never let you know they need help.
Autumn says
Great article!! Our son was diagnosed last May with HSP. It’s crazy, we went in for a “rash” and came out being tested for cancer & hemophilia. Cancer was #1 suspicion bc my husband had leukemia as a child. Thankfully it wasn’t cancer!!! We just finished our monthly visits & are now reduced to quarterly dr visits. Thankfully our son had a mild case. Something that scary put things in perspective- savor every moment! You never know what tomorrow may bring! Best wishes for your family!
Rita Loveday says
I learned this important lesson when my MIL was dying. So now I offer what I know I can do help others. makes me feel good and helps where they need help. Really males me feel good to know I am a true friend!! You put it so much better Than I could have.
Gloria says
Dear Nicolette! ! What wonderful friend you have to come and help when you were so needing it. I remember those days, and little ones sick and running fevers. You do your very best and you wonder, “How am I going to manage?” You are so lucky to have wonderful people in your life to help when they hear your unspoken cry for it. Love your blog and hope you all are feeling much better. Thank you for sharing and making us all realize–“Don’t ask, just Do”. All the best to you and yours. ♥♥♥
Michelle says
I really enjoyed this. It’s making me think a lot about my own life and how I want to be seen. Thanks for the insight and the nudge.
Katie says
I had my fourth baby in December, and I have four kids 5 years and under, too. I feel like our winter has been so similar to yours! I feel like I’m going to scream if one more person comments on how much easier four kids is than three. This was a wonderful article and a great reminder of how to help others when we feel we should do something!
Holly says
I think it’s time we start asking for help when we really need it and begin to really banish this idea that we, by ourselves, are all we need to make it through. I’m glad you had a friend who knew you well enough and you felt safe enough with to give you what you didn’t know you needed at that moment. Friends like that are treasures. And yet, I believe I have lots of friends in my life who sincerely want to help and I could just open myself up, make myself a little vulnerable and ask for what I need, I have experienced deep joy and satisfaction from deepening those friendships by that act of bravery.
Patty says
When I found out a favorite older co-worker had dementia, I went to her husband (knowing he was the kind who would never ask for help) and said “What day would work for me to come over and help?” He was surprised, but I went over every Thursday for over a year. The embarrassing part is that he would introduce me to people as ‘his angel’, and tell them how I didn’t ask how I could help, but said what day can I come. I didn’t do it for the glory, I just wanted to help out a friend who was in need.
I think we all need this as a reminder.
Jennifer S. says
Back when I was a teenager one of my friends mom’s taught me this principle – don’t ask, just do. Thank you for this reminder. Great post.
angie says
More women need to do this, especially when they know a single mother. Do you have any idea what I would give for one person to come over and just help me fold clothes for an hour? It would change my life! I’d give wine or coffee or whatever that friend wanted to just have one extra pair of hands for a couple of hours.
aj says
Realized this recently also when a co-worker’s house burnt. It wasn’t a total loss, but may as well have been. I had a talk with her where she said everyone asked if there was anything they could do, and it exasperated her. She didn’t know WHAT she needed exactly because she was so overwhelmed with the whole situation…her advice was if you want to do something JUST DO IT. And I realized how stupid a question it really was – we all need to just DO whatever it is we can. This post hit the nail on the head about this and was a wonderful reminder that most times we say we are Fine and go on because it is easier than trying to really figure out exactly what it is we need…usually don’t know where to start…and as Friends we need to be better DOers – read between the lines. I am sure anything is appreciated (and is better than nothing)
Kristina says
WOW. That is seriously the month from hell! I clapped my hand over my mouth in horror! Bless that woman for just DOING!!! I nearly cried reading this. I think that’s what everyone secretly wishes would happen, but we’re all too proud to ask for it. Thank you for sharing.
Lucy says
Been through a similar situation where instead of that “what can I do” a friend said I’m making you dinner and what day works better Monday or Tuesday. Gotta love friends like that JUST DO IT!
Whitney Bunn says
Oh this is SOOO me right now! 4 kids 5 and under, both my husband and I work (I take all kiddos with me, which is a struggle in of itself), and we have been hit with such sickness! My husband has a virus, bacterial infection, AND pneumonia (so he is passed out on the couch) and I am now starting the symptoms, along with the two littles (5 months and barely 2). I am glad I am not the only one, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and SO grateful to those who just come and do. It’s mostly my mom, but I am still grateful. 🙂
Christina @There's Just One Mommy says
Not going to lie — your friend’s response made me get tears in my eyes.
We all need help sometimes. I’m glad there was someone there to fill that need for you.
Sharing this post — because we all could use that help sometimes!
Kristy says
I’m glad you’ve recovered from all that barf. I thought your article was great but there was just one thing. The Uber app adds were really annoying. I was reading this on my phone and whenever I scrolled down and inadvertently touched the add it would immediately take me away from this page and to the apps store which I found highly annoying. I’m not against you putting advertising on your posts but perhaps you could put less annoying ones up?
Jen Marmet says
Hi…I am the mom of a cancer survivor! Twelve years ago, my two year old was diagnosed with Stage III High Risk Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. It’s an extremely rare cancer. He was given only a few months to live. Motherhood is overwhelming indeed, but since my 2 year old’s battle for his life my husband and I have a whole new outlook on our parenting. We take every day to marvel at our children, we celebrate milestones BIG, we try not to sweat the small stuff like viruses and boo boos, and most of all…we thank God for the second chance at life He gave our son. If your children are healthy…you are BLESSED beyond measure. Hug them, love them, and ENJOY them every day…even on the bad days. This is our son’s amazing story. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KH0LzdDT1dQ
Katie says
Oh wow thanks so much for sharing. That was a touching video. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy each day with our kids!!
Nicolette says
Thank you so much for sharing your heart rending and sweet story. That must be one of the hardest trials a parent has to face. Your words are so true.
Michelle says
I couldn’t agreee more with this article! I ued to ask what I could do, but then about a year ago I decided I would never ask for help so why would someone else. I started finding something I could do, whether run over a treat or vacuum a floor, etc and just do it.