I think we can all agree that divorce is tragic. It is destructive by its very nature. It leaves wounds that slowly heal and scars that never truly fade. But there are times when divorce is inevitable. There are times when divorce is the best option. And in those cases, the separating couple should focus on maintaining a positive relationship. Because a friendly divorce is absolutely vital when kids are involved.
Let me reaffirm my anti-annulment attitude. I do not promote divorce. In most cases it does far more harm than good. I’m talking about lasting, devastating, and unnecessary damage. But there are rare cases when divorce is unavoidable and the best course of action. And those scarce situations are what I am referring to in this post. If your marriage is ending and you have no choice but to continue down the path of divorce than this post is for you. Although a separation may be unavoidable it can still be a relatively positive experience if you can make it a friendly divorce.
How to Maintain a Friendly Divorce
Kids Come First:
Your needs are important, but not as important as your child’s. And as hard as this is on you, it is much harder on her. Try to consider this life altering scenario from her point of view. Make your child’s best interest the priority in every decision you make. I’m sure there are plenty of things that you and your estranged spouse do not agree on but it is imperative that you work together to do what is necessary for your children.
Stay Friendly:
I know, I know, your ex is the last person you want to spend a Friday night with. And that’s totally ok. You don’t have to be friends but you should be friendly. The way you act around each other will really impact how your child adjusts to her new family dynamic. You can minimize the negative be keeping things positive with your ex.
Only Speak Kind Words:
I’m sure you could write a novel full of negative things about your ex. But that won’t do anyone any good. Instead, keep your words kind. How you speak determines how you feel and how you feel will impact your child’s feelings.
Keep a positive attitude:
This is a toughie. It won’t be easy, but it is important. Focus on the good you’ve got going on.
Maintain Some Traditions:
Your family is getting rocked pretty hard right now. There are so many changes happening in such a short time. It’s important to hold on to any traditions that include your ex as possible. Maybe let him tag along when you go trick-or-treating, or invite her to your child’s birthday party, or just let him come on your regular ice cream outting. Your children need these few moments of normalcy and consistency to combat all the change.
Keep Family Ties:
Just because you are separating from your spouse doesn’t mean you have to divorce his family. Stay in contact with his parents, siblings, cousins, or anyone you feel comfortable with. Remember, these people are still your child’s family. Your child needs all the love and support they can get so do your best to keep all their loved ones active in their lives. Invite them to birthday parties, notify them of games and performances, and update them on the current events of your child’s life. Social media is a great way to keep in contact while still maintaining healthy distance.
Move Forward:
Find healthy ways to move forward as an individual. This may mean taking up a hobby, getting a job, furthering your education, joining a support group, or finding another positive outlet for your focus. As you move forward you will find build a new foundation. This foundation will be a source of strength and support to you and your children during this difficult time.
Divorce is ugly. But it doesn’t have to be. You can have a friendly divorce and you can keep a positive relationship with your ex. You can make the best of a bad situation and by doing so you can protect your child from so much unnecessary pain.
Here are a few more ideas on maneuvering this parenting-thing; ideas we have found to really help!
The 10-Minute Parenting Experiment
6 Old School Parenting Methods We Should Bring Back
Stop Debugging Your Kids!
Melissa E says
As a divorced, former mother of two girls, I followed the suggestions above.. because it was the right thing to do. In my state you also have to take a class on how to behave BEFORE your allowed to get the divorce.
Between my ex & all of the attorneys involved.. I ended up losing both of my children in the divorce.
Not everyone in a divorce is in willing to cooperate.
Sara Watkins says
I am so sorry to hear that, Melissa. Divorce is always tough, and every divorce is different. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.
Brooke says
I’m going through a separation and divorce right now. We are doing everything we can to make this positive for our daughter, like staying in touch with his relatives who live 900 miles away and being kind to her father. Some of your suggestions are unrealistic, when these events didn’t happen in the marriage and family situation to begin with, it’s hard to keep them up in a divorce. Also, consider this might actually confuse the child—if they can get along, why are they divorcing? But it’s good advice if there are families out there who can do this.
Sara Watkins says
There are so many big emotions involved in divorce. Some of them are really hard to get over. I’ve had clients that have pushed through & peacefully found their way through divorce & beyond even in the toughest of situations. It’s not easy-not by a long shot. But, it can be done. Every divorce story is different. If you follow these tips, focus on your child, and find your own inner peace you will be able to take on all whatever your ex throws your way. Don’t give up, mama. These times are tough, but so are you!
MJSS says
I respectfully disagree. I appreciate that you say you are not for divorce except in very rare cases. You don’t specify what those are. In the few and very rare cases where divorce is truly indicated, it is because one or both parents is doing something that is harmful–abuse (physical sexual, emotional, alcohol, drugs…), desertion/abandonment and unrepentant adultery. In those cases the children need to be protected from the person, not given the impression that “everything’s ok”. The so-called justice system does not do this. They buy into the idea of a “friendly divorce” and yes, insist on classes that teach “co-parenting”. If 2 people can get along well enough to “co-parent” then they can stay married. Statistics on children of divorce demonstrate that is the best thing.
Are you the child of divorce? Have you endured the pain and humiliation and disaster of divorce?
I have been through this. I typed a long story which I’ve deleted. Suffice it to say, if someone is considering divorce and there is any way to work it out, that is the most loving thing you can do for your child, If the other party won’t, being friendly isn’t going to help. In the long run the same spirit which makes the divorce necessary will lead to you being taking advantage of. The children will ultimately suffer. Your job is to protect them.
Sara Watkins says
Hey, MJSS, thanks for commenting! I didn’t specify when a divorce is appropriate because there are so many variables that go in to each situation. You can’t say divorce is okay when this-or-that is involved, it just isn’t that clear cut. It wasn’t the purpose of this post to get in to the details of deciding on whether or not to divorce. There are plenty of well written posts covering that topic. Also, if someone is deciding whether or not to divorce she really shouldn’t be looking for advice to sway her opinion on the internet. There are much more genuine sources she should turn to for support.
I couldn’t agree more with your opinion of divorce. It is a last resort. But while I don’t condone divorce I do recognize that it is a necessary evil in today’s world. Many couples are more likely to throw in the towel than work it out. I can’t change that. I wrote this article in an attempt to help in situations where couples have already decided on divorce. I’ve seen divorce unnecessarily tear families apart beyond the marital bonds breaking. I’ve seen two healthy parents cause decades of pain for their children because they weren’t willing to move on in a healthy way. It’s those couples that I am reaching out to. The one’s who are going to divorce & need advice on how to do it.
Children will suffer in divorce, that’s inevitable. It sounds like you experienced a pretty tough divorce. I am so sorry for what you have been through. But not every divorce is so horrifying. In fact, I have worked with many children who welcomed their parents divorce. Believe it or not, the trauma that came with divorce was better than the trauma inflicted when both parents were in the home. You are right, it is the parents’ duty to put the kids first. That will look different in each marriage and in each divorce.