In high school, I had what can only be described as an epiphany.
One day, while walking to Spanish class, an older girl approached me in the hall. She sneered, scrutinized me from head to toe, and then laughed as if she’d just heard a hilarious joke. Except it was just the two of us in the hall. I felt horrible. Then the epiphany struck me—I would never, ever be that girl; instead of making others feel bad, I could make them feel good. It was like a switch had just flipped inside of me. If it was so easy to belittle others and degrade them, it must be just as easy to build them up. And it was!
In life, there are two types of people: builders and bulldozers. Builders are optimistic; they support and strengthen everyone around them. Builders encourage, compliment, and treat others with kindness. They build confidence in anyone they encounter. Bulldozers tear others down. They use negativity, critical words, and harsh judgements to make others feel inadequate.
We’ve all encountered builders and bulldozers, and we all remember how they made us feel. Chances are, we’ve all been both builders and bulldozers at some point in time. With bullying reaching epidemic proportions, 1 in 3 U.S. students report having been bullied at school in 2014. Isn’t it time to flip the switch? It truly is just as easy to treat someone with kindness as it is to be cruel.
That is one reason I decided to become a teacher. If I could make kids feel good about themselves, the long hours, minimal pay, and frustrating politics of teaching would be 100% worth it. Just walk through a high school hallway and it will break your heart to hear the things kids say about each other, both behind their backs and to their faces. Everywhere they turn, our kids face bulldozers trying to tear them down. You suck. You’ll never be good enough. You are worthless.
The day I met Luis was the day I realized my most important responsibility in life was to be a builder. Luis sulked into my classroom, plopped himself into a desk, and put his head down. He did that the entire 45 minutes of class. In fact, he did that for three days, despite my requests for him to “wake up.” On the fourth day, when Luis plopped himself down and checked out before class even began, I walked over and plopped down in the desk beside him. I noticed his muscle car binder and commented on it. “Cool car, “ I said. “What kind is it?”
His head immediately perked and a spark entered his previously listless eyes. He proceeded to explain to me in vivid detail the awesomeness of this particular car. To make a long story short, Luis was the low man on the social totem pole of high school. He’d just transferred from a different school and left all of his friends behind. He was largely overweight and the target of teasing and terrible comments. How would it feel to be Luis? I imagine incredibly alone.
Every day when Luis came to class, I said at least one kind thing to him. Cool jacket, the Braves are having a good year. I loved reading your free-write about horses; where did you learn to ride? Hey Luis, that’s a great book—what do you think about… It was like no one had ever talked to him like that. Over the course of 16 weeks, Luis went from head down on the desk, zero participation, and not turning a single thing in, to getting involved and even making new friends. At the end of the semester, he left a small, gift wrapped box on my desk with a note that simply said, Thank you for being nice.
I’m not a teacher anymore. That has taken a back seat in my decision to stay at home with my three little children. Some days I miss teaching and having an important job to do. Then I think, “Duh! You are doing the most important job possible right now.” I am building little people who will become confident, kind, big people, who will soon face a world that is trying to tear them down. It is my job to build their foundations so strongly that when they come face to face with the bulldozers of the world, they will not crumble. It is my job to make sure they are builders and not bulldozers.
That being said, I am far from perfect. When I get frustrated, and tired, I say things I don’t mean. Why do you have to spill everything? Can’t you just listen for once? Those criticisms solve nothing. They never do any good; rather they leave my sweet babies in tears and me feeling utterly despicable. So now, I strive daily to give more encouragement and kind words. When my son spills his cereal all over the floor and looks up at me with tears welling in his eyes, waiting for the storm, I have two choices, and it’s crucial I make the right one. I can give into the storm and yell, or I can seek the sunlight and assure him that, “It’s okay, it was an accident. We all make mistakes. Can you help me clean it up?” It was just as easy to react with kindness as it would have been with anger. We all left happy.
Every day, we have opportunities to be builders or bulldozers—to our children, our spouses, our friends, to other people’s children, to acquaintances, to our colleagues, and to complete strangers. Every time we interact with a person, we have the chance to make them either feel better or worse about themselves. There are so many Luis’s out there. Some are hurting, some are broken. All of them need a builder on their side, bolstering them up.
The following quote has always stuck with me:
“You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. you must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others…” {Gordon B. Hinkley}
Six ways to be more kind:
1. Don’t tolerate bullying. Ever. If you see it, stop it in its tracks.
2. Compliment every person you speak to—your spouse, your neighbor, the bank teller…you get the point.
3. If you’re thinking something kind, always say it out loud. If your friend looks great today, tell her! If someone is good at their job, tell them!
4. Really listen to what people are telling you (kids are people too!).
5. Speak how you would like to be spoken to.
6. If you feel yourself losing it, don’t say anything…just wait and breathe.
We builders have a lot of work to do.
Stacey says
Love this! I so needed this reminder to build up my kids, husband, everyone. We were just talking about this with my son last night. I will be sharing this with my family. I love how you wrote this in a voice to encourage your readers and build them up, not make us feel bad about when we mess up. Thank you for this today.
Penny says
What a great article! It’s good to be reminded we can builders no matter where we are in life. Thanks!
Jessica says
Well said! Thanks for the inspiring post.
Tess @ Tips on Life & Love says
This is such a great post, and proves that just a simple act of kindness can make all the difference in the world. I’ve come to find that the bulldozers tear other people down, because they themselves feel inadequate. Sometimes these kids never grow out of it, and that’s what they become as adults. It’s sad, but true. Anyway, thanks for sharing!
Serena says
Thanks Nicolette! I loved this positive message. May we all be builders!
cherie says
WOW!! The world would be such a sweet place to be if we could only remember this!!
Thank you
Leslie says
Great post. Thanks for the reminder. Like you, I am a teacher turned stay at home momma. Sometimes I do miss teaching, but I know I can always return to the classroom and my boys won’t always be little. I am their teacher.
Nicolette says
Thanks Leslie. I hear you…we can still be teachers at home.
Erin says
Thanks. Needed this. I need to build my children up better. I also had a resolution to say ANYTHING that was KIND that came to mind. I told random people the most random stuff and they loved it! I put lots of smiles on people’s faces that year. I will be a builder.
Sarah says
Such a good article. I am going to share it at my pre-school’s staff meeting. Thank you.
Michelle says
What a great article! Thank you so much for this. This will be a great lesson to teach my kids and a great reminder for me.
Summer says
Oh I so needed this today! Such a good reminder, thanks!
Aleisha says
I shared this message with my oldest son, with a little tweak. You must also be a builder to yourself. He gets so down on himself, especially if he makes a mistake in baseball. This post came at a perfect time and I think it helped him see he needed to build himself instead of bulldoze.
Nicolette says
So true. We can teach our kids to be builders to themselves. Thanks for that insight.
aruna says
thank you for this inspirational post, although we all know this but we tend to forget stuff and with life throwing one thing after another at us imp things get lost.
Haili says
What a great post! The example you gave of your son spilling cereal brought me to tears. I know how I should respond to a situation like that, but I also know what my first reaction would want to be. Why is it so hard for us to have the positive reaction to things when we know it’s the right thing? Why is it so easy to be critical and impatient before we are understanding and calm? My only thought would be that it’s the natural man within us, and we are here to overcome that natural man. We are learning all the time alongside our children.
Trina Forbush says
To my dear sweet daughter, your Dad and I always talk about the great example you are of being so positive and non-judgmental. You truly are a builder. Thank you for putting it so beautifully and inspiring us all!
Tiffany says
Thank you for this great reminder! I needed this today after a rough weekend being sick and having kids acting out (probably because they were craving attention from me). I definitely want to build them a strong foundation before they head out into a world of bulldozers.
Thank you again!
Danielle says
I so needed to read this. Some days it is easy to be nice to everyone,,,except my own children. So sad. They are so vulnerable and tender and they do just need love and kindness and patience. I remember as a child having my parents react with anger and how that made me feel, and I also remember them reacting with patience and kindness. When they were patient I think those are the times that I loved them back the most. It is so liberating to be loved even and maybe even especially when we have made a mistake.
Kaytlyn Marr says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! You expressed very well what I have felt and been thinking about for a long time! Keep it up!
Cheryl says
Good words of encouragement. Makes me think about the we choose virtues song about being kind. I’m always caught with the “sarcasm” clause. Oh, I can speak sarcasm without even noticing it. Sarcasm fits into the bulldozer category.
What a great challenge to speak out (and immediately) kind thoughts!
Wendy Brimhall says
I loved your Bulldozer and Builders Blog Post–it was perfect for our FHE with my two teenage daughters! Thank you for sharing!
Shelley says
yay! This makes me happy.
April says
It’s a perfect message for me. Thanks Nicollete for the wonderful reminder. It was indeed true and I am seeing the effect if you decide to be a builder than a bulldozer. You are amazing. Thanks for sharing.
Lena alami says
This is amazing! I wish more people in this world can be “builders”. Thank you!
fazeela says
Fantastic. This world would be a better place if we were all builders
Aileen says
Very inspiring.. A lesson to learn thanks for the post
Aileen says
Very inspiring
A lesson to learn..
Thanks for the post
Steven Pinzka says
Nice blog! Very informative for readers! Thanks n keep sharing.
Steven Pinzka says
I’m not a builder or bulldozer! But I can provide the service related to undercarriage parts like Bulldozer, Excavator and etc. Hahahaha!