5 Reasons Time-Out should be Out.
As parents, we are doing the very best we know how. At times we are so tired and exhausted that we react to our kids with automatic responses such as, “Because I said so!” or “Time out!”
Our boxing gloves are on and we’re ready to get in the ring!
But is the highly popular use of time-out giving our kids a chance to really “think about what they’ve done” or are they left fuming with angry thoughts…ahem… usually towards us? Are we really taking advantage of the prime teaching opportunities in hopes that they will be “taught a lesson” on their own?
Let’s imagine this typical scenario (Let me add that my child really didn’t want to stop playing and put on his shirt- no acting necessary here!):
A child is playing with his favorite toy and his parent comes in and announces,
“We need to go. It’s time to get dressed.”
Child responds with a defiant, “NOOO!”
Parent: (Trying to remain calm) “You must. Please put it on.”
Child: “I don’t want to!”
Parent: (Feeling a bit frazzled) “We need to go, NOW!”
And thus the power struggle begins.
Then the frustrated child yells,“I HAAAATE YOU!”
Gasp.
Parent: (shocked and angry) “That’s it! TIME-OUT MISTER!!”
And, in the chair he goes.
Sound familiar? Okay maybe that last part is a bit extreme… I was trying to think of something that would then require a time-out but whatever it is that pushes the limit…
Is there a better way?
Recent research is showing us an outstanding YES!
Here are 5 reasons time-outs are less effective than we think:
1. Focuses on behavior only:
Time-out or what was once called, “Time out from Positive Reinforcement” was initially a response as an alternative to spanking. It was derived in the 1950s after lab experiments on animals revealed findings about behavior modification. This then translated to children. If you took your child away from something they enjoyed for short periods of time, then they will decrease their negative behavior. The problem is that it places focus on what we want our child NOT to do, rather than what we WANT them to do? Our children may be behaving out of fear of punishment rather than it be internally driven.
2. Often done in anger
Let’s be honest; usually the only person who really needs the time out is the parent. I can’t tell you how many times I have had a mini tantrum right along side my two-year-old. And let me tell you, it’s not pretty. Despite the ideal concept that time-outs are supposed to be a brief pause in a caregiver’s interaction with a child, it usually can end up in a huge power struggle. You are mad. The child is mad. And any chance of them truly practicing self-calming skills goes out the window. *Note- Putting yourself in a time-out to calm down is totally an acceptable and responsible thing to do! Sometimes we need a moment before things get ugly. Excuse yourself for a moment when you feel your blood begin to boil. *Another Note: If they also choose to excuse themselves as a way to calm down- more power to them. It’s their coping skill they are working on developing. It is more of a problem when we force them to do it.
3. Increases Shame
We have taken the effectiveness of a time-out and placed emphasis on a chair. We use a “naughty chair” or corner as a place for the child to reside before they can have the privilege of getting out. It can feel belittling, not to mention the temptation of wanting to begin the lecture by giving a verbal spanking with questions like ask, “What were you thinking?” or “What’s wrong with you!” It’s difficult to not want to lecture when we have our child’s attention and our emotions are running hot.
4. Isolation can be Scary
Young children look to us as their own personal “North Star” especially when they don’t understand their confusing emotions. Isolating children (especially young children) can seem scary as they are left to process those big feelings alone. Does leaving a child to ” think about what they have done” deprive them of the opportunity to have a conversation, collaborate, and come up with their own solution to their problems with you by their side?
5. Puts a Strain on the Relationship
Children have a profound need for connection. Research shows that in times of distress we need to be near and soothed by the people we love. Time-outs can feel like a temporary love withdrawal for our children especially in a moment when they need to be soothed the most. Remember that when this child becomes a teenager, your relationship is your main source of influence. Is it worth the risk of relationship strain?
So what are we left to do?
Consider modifying TIME-OUTS to more of a TIME-IN instead. Sit with your child, comforting them, connecting, and discussing solutions. Reflect their feelings and try to gain an understanding of their actions. Let’s get rid of the notion that if we give our child more attention then we are somehow spoiling them. Usually, a child who is acting out is a child who may need some unconditional love the most. Don’t be afraid to give it to them. Visit this post here for more on what a child is truly needing from us and “choosing love.”
Now, let’s rewind to the previous scenario and change it up a bit.
The parent enters the room (after giving a 5-minute warning to help process the transition) and gets down on child’s level and announces that it’s time to go.
Child is upset and still says, “No!”
Parent: “You are sad about having to stop playing with your trains. I know how much you love playing trains.”
Parent: “I can see how important this for you, could I spend some time playing with you for 5 minutes before we go?”
Child: “Yes!”
5 minutes is up.
Success! He feels empowered and puts on his own shirt.
I know it is pretty idealistic that it could go that smoothly. But I have found much success in fighting those automatic responses and instead entering my child’s world by viewing it from their perspective. We both feel connected and understood. And the best part is that he internally wants to make great choices on his own. Win win.
Other examples of things you could do during a time-in would be to read a favorite book or to snuggle and connect.
*On a side note- during our “time in” my son shared with me that he has had a thorn in his finger. I would have never known that about him and wondered if that was attributing to his sour mood. It pays to not jump to conclusions that a child’s misbehavior must be corrected right away before understanding his perspective.
So, in conclusion… modify your TIME-OUT with a TIME-IN instead and remember to CONNECT and THEN REDIRECT!
Also, can I suggest another great read by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson called No-Drama Discipline:
They highlight the link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior and it’s fascinating! They also remind us of the true meaning of the word discipline which actually means to instruct and how we can identify our own discipline philosophy and peacefully resolve conflicts and strengthen connections with our kiddos!
I know there are so many different philosophies and styles out there in the parenting world. What are your thoughts about time-outs? Do they work for you or not work for you? Remember to keep it a judgment-free zone! We are doing the very best we can and out of love for our kids! For more ways to show love visit me at www.weedstowishes.com or on Instagram @weedstowishes !
xo,
Looking for even more parenting inspiration? Check out a few more of our favorite parenting tips and tricks:
Over-Scheduling Kids—How Much is Too Much?
The 3-Strikes Method: Fair Discipline that Gets Results
3 Steps to Encourage Emotional Resilience
Nicole Heninger says
Christi. I enjoyed reading this. You came and spoke in Ontario a few years ago and ever since then be tried your ideas you suggested. I’ve since had a little girl who gives me a constant run for me money. I’m looking for someone to talk to. Evelyn had told me she didn’t know if you still did counseling type sessions. Do you have any recommendations if you don’t take new clients? We are moving to meridian in the next few weeks.
Cristi says
Hi Nicole! Let’s chat and I can point you in the right direction! Do you have my info? If so- call or email me anytime!!
Emily says
Girl I love this, and I always need a reminder because these things can be SO HARD TO IMPLEMENT! I think we all worry that we’re damaging our kids permanently, right? I do. I have lost my temper plenty of times and wanted to just scream, but removing myself and thinking about how that would affect my boy makes me calm down. I think each kid is different, and there is no perfect scenario or reaction, but I also think kids need to feel loved and understood, and time out doesn’t accomplish either of those. Mommin is hard work, and these are awesome ways to help us do it.
Cristi says
Isn’t that the truth Emily! Mom life can have it’s obstacles for sure and it is hard to implement. If only we lived in perfectly nonstressful situations on the daily would be able to be 100% right?…but truthfully it’s not about 100% but about improving our percentages and sharing our love for our little ones whenever we can. The best we can do is the best we can do. Thanks for you comment!! xo
Shelley says
This article was so relatable for me. <3 Starting today, I'm trying a new approach. Wish me luck! 🙂
Cristi says
I’m so happy it was helpful Shelley!!
Kristi Kearl says
So, I have a slightly dysfunctional relationship with time out. I agree that if we can just learn to understand our children a little better and take the time to empathize and listen to them, and give them the attention that they need, that much of their poor behavior evaporates. However, I also feel strongly that sometimes there needs to be a negative consequence for bad behavior in order for the child to learn. That’s just how the real world works. For example, if my daughter refuses to put away her toys, I take the toys away and she has to do a job to earn each toy back. If we as parents are too afraid to administer negative consequences, I don’t think our children learn from their mistakes or develop the resilience they need to be successful in today’s world. Problem is, it’s not always easy to find the perfect negative consequence that appropriately relates to the negative behavior. . . and that’s where time-out comes in for me. For example, I have a darling, impish little two-year-old who, during the potty training process, would pee on the floor ON PURPOSE. And then happily dance around in it. Obviously, she did it for attention. My requiring her to clean up the mess only gave her the attention she was seeking and reinforced her bad behavior. However, when she had to go to her room after a purposeful “accident,” she learned quickly that she didn’t like that consequence, and she stopped doing it.
Do you have any suggestions for what to do instead of time-out when it seems a negative consequence is appropriate and there is no practical consequence that relates to the bad behavior?
Cristi says
Kristi- Let me say that I LOVE that you are asking these questions and trying to find solutions that works for your family! Also, potty training brings out the WORST side of me!!! UGH- It seriously is my LEAST favorite parent task. I just finished potty training my strong-willed two (now three!!) year old and it was so PAINFUL.
I would say first of all- any issues revolving around 1) eating, 2) sleeping, and 3)potty I would reccomend be treated differently because we truly can’t force our kids to do any of those bodily functions and power struggles are more likely to occur in these situations due to them having far more control over them then we do. Choose our battles right?
I would also change the phrase “did it for attention” to “did it for connection”. Do you see the difference there? When they are seeking out attention- they are really are trying to seek our connection. Which actually is really a good thing…but they just choose to do it in unconventional/weird ways- but remember their brains are still forming and they are still trying to understand what they need and how to get it.
So, you may not like this answer- but for me this is what I would hope to do rather than find a consequence in that particular situation, I would calmly have them clean it up like you did and not find a real consequence to go along with it- primarily because of the nature of it being one of those three things I mentioned above. If anything I would say, “Looks like you needed to go potty,Carpets are not meant for peeing on. You can choose to pee in my toilet or choose to pee in your toilet but carpets are not for peeing. Maybe after you choose to pee in a toilet we can turn on some music and have a dance party like you just did.”
But if it was something else other than the three items I mentioned earlier- like writing on the walls and you already have tried connecting with them and redirecting them with “I can see you really want to draw on the walls. Walls are not meant for drawing and if you want to draw you could draw on this paper or on the sidewalk.” If they continue to do it- last resort limit: “Honey if you choose to draw on the wall then you choose to miss out on screen time (or whatever really motivates them).” Then if it happens again I would empathetically say, “Honey, the minute you chose to draw on the wall was the minute you chose to miss out on your screen time for the day.” And let the tantrum begin…
For me personally, I don’t like using those final limits unless it is last resort.
One thing I will focus on when I can tell my child is misbehaving because they are striving to connect with me is I will make statements like, “I can see that you really want me to notice you (or give you a hug, snuggle, spend time, etc.) right now. How about when you feel like you need____ you ask me and say____…” I know this may not make that much sense to a two-year-old now but later on they will be able to recognize within themselves how they are feeling. My 6-year-old often will stop and recognize when he really just needs me to hold him and hug him- and most times he doesn’t even know why. My goal as his mother is to teach him to become self aware of his feelings and his needs over changing a particular behavior.
Anyhow- was that too much? Did it even help? Every situation is different… every child is different. But universally, they deep down inside all want to be loved unconditionally despite the choices they make.
Thanks so much for your comment!! I love how you are trying to seek answers for what works for you! If you have any further questions- I am so happy to help and would even be willing to chat with you more! Direct Message me on IG of FB @weedstowishes!!
MWL says
I have older children- teenagers actually and I find this article a little naive. I think that my parenting generation was very in touch with our children’s feelings and we tried all of the “feel good” techniques to discipline and time outs worked for the most part. Here are my arguments to the reasons you think time outs are not effective 1) Focuses on bad behavior- Umm, the reason for time out is because your child is not acting appropriately. That’s not exactly good behavior and should be addressed. 2) Done in anger- Yes, it is often done in anger because bad behavior usually creates an environment of anger and frustration but I still believe time outs help everyone regain control of the situation by taking a deep breath and separating the involved parties. 3) Increase shame- are you kidding me? Maybe there should be a little shame in the way a child acted. There isn’t anything wrong with a child recognizing and feeling bad about acting inappropriately. 4) Isolation can be scary- again, are you kidding me? And, we didn’t have a “time out” chair. We used the first step in our foyer. Very public- no isolation but still effective. 5) Strain on relationship- are you trying to be their parent or their best friend? If you are trying to be their best friend then I wish you a lot of luck when they get older and don’t have set parameters or the ability to understand consequences. I think your suggestions contribute to the creation of more children that completely think the world revolves around them! Dangerous thinking! My children always knew there were consequences to their behavior- both good and bad. I hope that my parenting and desire to hold my children accountable for their decisions and behavior has helped create children that are more equipped to deal with this world! I worry that the suggestions written in this piece contribute to a new generation of children who have unreasonable expectations and unclear guidelines. I encourage all of your readers to know that discipline is a part of loving your children and helping them grow into great people!
Cristi says
MWL- Thank for your voice and opinion. It is great that you have found something that is working for you and your family!
Absolutely parents should have limits and discipline! Discipline actually means “to teach” and being a proactive parent in teaching them is exactly what this article is about. Perhaps what I failed to mention is that the teaching moments occur away from the heat of the moment. You can’t teach a person to swim when they are drowning and same goes with teaching children when everyone is upset.
Children are not necessarily behaving to be “bad” but misbehaving because there is a need they are trying to communicate- what a great opportunity to figure that out with them and teach them more effective ways.
As a child therapist, I have over 16 years of experience working with some of the most difficult children and have obviously found that not all things work with each child…but each child I have ever worked with had the need of love and connection and once they felt that from me- they were more receptive to the discipline that came after. So I am not saying don’t discipline your child…but to CONNECT then CORRECT.
This article has been written with a lot of research on the development of a child’s brain and how parts of the brain are forming due to our children’s experiences and interactions with us if you are interested in reading more about the research out there on children- I recommend: “No Drama Discipline” by by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.- They have another “Whole-Brain Child” as well.
Thanks again for your comments. It’s great to discuss with all of us moms out there and get everyone’s feedback!!
Sarah says
I love this! I’ve been trying to really keep this in mind lately. I consider myself to be very AP but it can be a challenge to keep your cool and think about the long-term “big picture” when your child is driving you nuts! I hope that more people try to adopt this into their home. I can tell you that it works!