*This article represents my own personal opinion and choice to say no sleepovers. We all have differing opinions and make different choices when it comes to our kids. Bottom line: we’re all doing our best. Respectful, courteous, and constructive comments are welcome.
Last week, I saw my little boy’s life flash before my eyes and it shook me to the core. We were coming back from the pool and I had stopped to talk to a neighbor. He was on his little bike, waiting patiently for me 30 feet ahead at the corner. A three-year-old’s patience only extends so far, and everything that happened next happened in an instant. I was too far away to stop it. Seeing the truck speeding, I saw my little boy, inching forward, pedals in motion.
I can only thank some angel that day for diverting what could have been any parent’s absolute worst nightmare from coming true. Little buddy pedaled across the street only a split second before the truck sped through the stop sign. I felt despicable. Rotten. And that night, as I watched him sleeping serenely in his bed, tears poured down my cheeks and I vowed to him and God above that I would keep him safe, no matter what it took.
Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents
We make our children wear bicycle helmets and life jackets to protect them, but as they grow up, how do we safeguard them from more abstract dangers, like child pornography, sexual abuse, and cyberbullying?
As an eleven-year-old, my parents sat me down with a very serious look in their eyes. A little girl we knew very well had been molested at a sleepover by someone she knew very well. For that reason, my mother and father announced that our family would not be doing sleepovers. Never—nada, zip, zilch. To a tween amidst a competitive popularity contest, the world had officially ended. Suddenly, my parents were Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents. How could they ruin me like that?
The battles we fought over the no sleepovers rule were hard and long. I felt they were being prudish and paranoid. Nothing like that would ever happen to me. They claimed they did it because they “loved me so much.” To me, they were just Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
The party that changed everything
It was the beginning of 7th grade and the coolest girl in school was throwing a back-to-school slumber party. Everyone who was anyone would be there. I begged, I pleaded, and my parents consented to let me go, but they would pick me up at 10:00 pm. “But the party won’t be over!” I cried. “Nothing’s going to happen, I can take care of myself. I will look so dumb being the first one that has to go!”
Their answer remained firm: ten o’clock, take it or leave it.
The party was definitely cool, by middle-school standards. There were boys there, cute ones. Brandy’s mom left and with a wink, told us all to “behave.” By 9:45, everyone was playing spin the bottle, and Brandy had brought out her mom’s liquor bottles. At this point I felt so uncomfortable that everything inside of me screamed, get out of here!
Never was I so relieved to see my parents’ headlights pull up to the drive. I waved goodbye to my friends and sprinted out the door. I’d never admit it, but I was kind of grateful for the no sleepovers rule and my Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents.
Sleepovers gone wrong
You only have to open a newspaper to read the horrible things that can happen at sleepovers. Last year, a Nephi, Utah teacher was charged, but found innocent, of molesting an 11-year-old former student who was sleeping over at his house as his daughter’s friend. The girl claimed he gave her a strange pill for a headache and she woke up in the night to find him touching her inappropriately.
In one instance, a Sacramento husband, father, and elementary school teacher was found guilty of committing lewd acts against children while photographing his crimes. The victims were friends of his daughter who were sleeping over at his house. He slipped drugs into their drinks and took advantage of them without them knowing. The community was shocked—coming from someone they trusted and admired.
Child pornography is very real. It is out there, and with so many social media avenues to exploit them, children are more vulnerable than ever.
In 2012, the community of Star City, West Virginia reeled from the horrifying revelation that two 16-year-old girls had lured their best friend to a remote location and stabbed her to death. As detailed in the book Pretty Little Killers, this gruesome event was preceded by a sleepover in one of the girl’s homes. After the mother fell asleep, the girls pulled out a bottle of vodka and started drinking. From there, things went horribly awry when the girls started undressing, snapping photos of each other, and kissing. A fight occurred and after the sleepover, events escalated from bad, to worse, to murder.
The thing with sleepovers
These are obviously extreme examples of what can happen at sleepovers, but there are other things like cyber bullying, inappropriate movies, video games, jokes, or behavior that you wouldn’t normally allow in your house. When kids are away from their parents, they are more likely to experiment with drugs, alcohol, sex, and plain old mischief.
The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse are hard to shake. Depression, self-loathing, and feelings of guilt haunt victims well into their adulthood. Kids who have had such encounters don’t understand what happened to them. They keep silent; they think it is their fault.
I never knew how terrifying being a parent was until I became one. Instead of thoroughly enjoying an amusement park, I think of a million ways my child can get lost in one. Every parking lot causes me anxiety. Every stranger eying my child strangely gives me the chills. It only takes once—one distraction, one time of negligence, or rationalization that “just this one sleepover is okay.” It just takes one person that we “trust” to change things forever.
Fun alternatives to sleepovers
There’s no denying sleepovers are a fun part of childhood and adolescence. Late night giggling, stories, and harmless pranks are what make sleeping over so much fun. Chances are, most sleepovers are innocent, but I’m not taking my chances on the one that’s not. Here are a few alternatives that incorporate all the fun of a sleepover, without the sleeping. {Who remembers the sleeping part anyway?}
- Late night play dates: Just like a regular play date with friends, on this supervised play date, friends come in their jammies, bring junk food, games, and watch movies. Parents pick everyone up around 10:00 or a designated time.
- Late-overs– Let older kids have their fun, supervised by an adult, then parents pick up at a designated time.
- Night games- Being out after dark is totally cool and fun. Host a supervised night games party where older kids and teens play popular games like glow in the dark baseball, sardines (a version of hide-and-seek), ghost in the graveyard, etc.
- Breakfast bash: Friends come in their jammies, ready for a crepes, pancakes, or a yogurt bar.
******
My No Sleepovers Rule
For me, sleepovers just aren’t worth it. Like that truck speeding toward my little boy when I was too far away to help, when my child sleeps over at another’s house I lose control of the situation and of their safety. I literally put their life into someone else’s hands. That is a chance I’m not willing to take. Never—nada, zip, zilch.
That speeding truck was a wake-up call that I have a profound, intrinsic, larger-than-life responsibility to keep my children safe, in all aspects. I don’t mind being the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent who says no sleepovers. I can be the mean mom if that keeps my kids safe. One day, they’ll understand.
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Jenn (Student Mom) says
I am soooo with you on this one. My 6 year old is already planning sleepovers! Which is met with a resounding NO from both Daddy and I. Nothing went wrong at my sleepovers as a child growing up, but as you say – no control if you’re not there. I don’t know if the parent is going to wink and leave!!! Good lord. Who does that?? They’re barely old enough to be left alone for the 15 minutes it takes to go and put petrol in the car.
Maggie says
I have two children who are 26 and 28 ( boy n girl). No sleep overs were allowed. I knew someone who had died in fire at a sleepover n there was my fear of letting my little lambs go. They are two of the best kids. No damage was down. I did the same thing, I’ll pick them up at 11:00 pm. Who said parenting is easy? I love them n I made it known that no one on this earth had there best interest n happiness in mind as much as I. I’m blessed that they came through it well. Explain why, offer a compromise n stay firm. Cause that is your job to protect them!
Jane says
Maggie… I do not want to overstep my boundaries, but 26 and 28 seem a bit old to be telling them they can not go to a sleep over.
Michelle Shipley says
She was saying that is their age now. The sleepover thing was in the past.
Lara says
She’s talking about when her kids were young, and now that they are grown she sees that she made the correct decision
Ashley says
I love this! Thanks for sharing! My kids are still young, but I’ve always been dreading the day they ask to go to a sleepover. The thought of it makes me uncomfortable. You elegantly put into words all of my uneasy feelings.
Whitney says
I love this post, thank you so much for being brave enough to write it! my little one is only 6 months old, but we’ve already agreed in our family that sleep overs will not be happening. As a tween, I experienced bullying, pornography, boy crazy madness, and inappropriate music videos all at sleep overs. They just are NOT worth it.
Ana says
Standing up and applauding you..My 3 kids are over the age of 25. I was that mean Mom..not letting my kids do somethings because of safety..they were mad then but now they look back and have forgiven..Raising kids is demanding and hard work, but I promise you that it is all worth it when you have very amazing adults who are giving, loving, compassionate people. Just remeber it is always important to be still and listen to them and their friends.
Alison says
This post is amazing. Thanks Nicolette. I’m proud to be a Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent.
Love this post!!
Lauren says
I saw this post in my feed and was intrigued. As a kid I had a number of sleep overs with friends and I’m pretty sure there was one every weekend the summer I went into High School. This post struck a cord with me and is making me look differently at sleep overs. I am not yet a parent so I have a few years to determine what is best for my family, but thank you for this post and offering your experiences and alternatives to the traditional sleepover.
Sherron says
Thank you for sharing this. I think that if this post gets parents thinking about and talking about their children’s safety, regardless of what their ultimate decision on sleep-overs are, that it is a great thing. Parents, please don’t feel that you don’t allow sleep-overs that your children are safe from things that can happen at a sleep-over. You don’t still to talk about being safe from predators. Please talk with your children (age-appropriately) about keeping themselves safe when at a friends house. It doesn’t take a long time or even a great amount of privacy for something to happen.
I appreciate your willingness to write and post this blog. I truly hope that everyone respects your decision and reasoning.
Sherron says
Augh, remove the errant “don’t”. You DO still need to talk with your children.
Amber says
Great post and such a great reminder! I”ve always said no to sleepovers but lately have been second guessing myself. I’m so glad I read this article to remind me of why I made that decision in the first place. Thank-you!!! <3
Aleassa says
Love this, thank you! I’m with you 100% on this!
Tracy says
I love your post so much, I am so happy that you are brave enough to post it! Question for you… do you allow your kids to have friends over at your house for sleepovers? Thanks!
Nicolette says
Nope. That would seem hypocritical; better to be consistent all around:).
Emily says
Tracy, just another opinion, we do allow sleepovers at our house with other kids for our ten year old. I know it seems hypocritical but they follow our rules and I know she is safe (which are the two man reasons I tell her she can’t sleepover at someone else’s house). She’s good with this explanation. And honestly, I think her friends really enjoy sleepovers here because none of them end up feeling uncomfortable (at least, they keep coming back!).
Serena says
Just a note on allowing sleepovers at your own house. Recently a girlfriends 17 year old daughter was raped by one of her 15 year old brothers friends while he was sleeping over at there house. This was a boy they knew well. Just because it’s under your roof or your kids are older doesn’t mean you have control.
LS says
We adopted this “no sleep-over” rule after my sisters (who both started having kids before me) had done the same* — incidentally, they both live in Meridian! I talked with them about the very issue of allowing sleep overs at our home, but not somewhere else. They both said “no” and brought up a very good point… How does that sound to other parents when you say it’s okay at your home, but not okay at theirs? It may give the impression that you question their parenting judgement or safety of their home, but think they shouldn’t question yours. The one thing we do allow is sleepovers with cousins — this worked well because I live in St. George, Ut, and they both live in Idaho… so when we visit them in Idaho, the girl cousins sleep at one house and the boy cousins at the other. As luck would have it, all the girls are between 13-15, and the boys are 9-11 (other than three older girls who are married/college).
*My oldest sister established this rule when her kids were very young after our cousins 11-year-old daughter was molested by a friends’ father (along with several other girls) at a sleepover. Prior to this event, this man had been considered a trusted, well=liked, church-going dad.
Sue E says
We have sleep covers but we know the parents of our kids friends. Or they stay over with my sister or an other relatives house. So my husband and can have our time with each other. But when our kids do all of them listen to the rules.But I also do a home daycare so some times the 2 girls spend the night cause it is just easier. But I now the mother we are really good friends.But I know where all over you are coming from this.
LS says
Just one more comment on this… since we’d adopted this rule early on (we have only one son), I talked to my friends (who live very near and have boys the same age) about this when our boys were about 3 yrs old. Now that the boys are older, we all have the same rule, so it really never comes up as an issue — at least with these boys he pals around with most.
Tricia says
About sleepovers at your own house: my husband has said absolutely not because even if nothing happens, sometimes kids tell stories or rumors can start, and before you know it everyone thinks your husband is a creep even if he isn’t. Especially with younger kids who embellish stories, etc. Better safe than sorry in either regard. I have, however, considered having a “family sleepover” if the parents are friends with each other too. Don’t know how that would actually go down, but it’s an interesting option.
Lisa says
I have had several family sleepovers and they are loads of fun! You should try it! We actually have a New Year’s Eve tradition of inviting 3-5 families over at once. There’s like 15 kids running around and the parents play games. It’s such a late night for everyone there really isn’t time for mischief.
Emily says
Great point! My oldest is getting to the point where sleep-overs will become an option and I’ve considered doing it only at our house. I appreciate the reminder that I need to protect my husband’s reputation as well as my daughter’s innocence.
Kassie says
I’m glad you brought this point up. In our society I’d worry about my husband being falsely accused of something. Better safe than sorry, all the way around!
Andrea says
I think this is good mindful thinking in my honest opinion. I don’t have kids yet and while I was allowed to go to certain sleepovers. There were some friends I was NOT allowed to spend the night at. Looking back- that was a GOOD thing. My parents were definitely in tune more to what was going on. I don’t think denying a sleepover is going to traumatize anyone, but considering what COULD go badly? I would probably choose the same as you.
Jaz says
Hey! I was reading this, (I was thinking of ideas for a sleepover) and it really opened my eyes. I’m 12, and although I’m allowed to go to sleepovers, its only with my best friends that I’ve known since I was born. My parents would never let me sleep anywhere that they weren’t close friends with the parents. I think you have some great reasons, and I will be sure to be very careful if my friends act strange (my parents have talked to me about everything, but this article reminded me to be more cautious.) Thanks for taking the time to write this!
Jaz says
Hey, sorry I hit the wrong reply button!
Darleen Meier says
It makes me sick to my stomach hearing all these sleepovers that have gone wrong. We made a decide to have a ban on sleepovers too at our house. Hearing all this makes me know we are making the right decision.
C says
I went to many sleepovers as a kid. Most were fine, but lots of girl drama and people not speaking to one another the next day. Pretty lame. My husband knew boys who engaged in sexual experimentation during sleepovers and, even now, we hear of youth viewing pornography for the first time during church camp from counselors and bishoprics. Wonderful! I can’t protect them from everything out there, but this is one thing I have control over.
J says
WHAT is a “bishopric”?
I’m really horrified about the church connection to sexual deviance!
A says
I think the author “C” meant that counselors and Bishopric (meaning the bishop who is the spiritual leader of the ward and his counselors) report that the boys are veiwing pornography for the first time at church camp. The source is probably other boys. I know the way the original was written implies that male adult leaders were the source. Hope not – too creepy, Bad enough that any porn is present. Kids are getting this stuff through their peers.
Jane says
You have touched on a lot of the things that can go wrong at sleepovers….and many of them will happen! The best thing is to be consistent and let your kids friends know! After living through some “terrible Tuesdays”, I put my foot down. No sleepovers during the school year. It seems sleepovers are very popular – esp. with girls. But they would stay up too late. It takes a couple days for their bodies to regulate, so usually by Tuesday, when they were back in school, they were awful! We came to call these terrible Tuesdays! (Often it was caused by our own weekend activities.) But it was consistent enough that I told my kids they could attend sleepovers only in the summer – and perhaps an occasional holiday break. This was a good rule for us and my girls were usually fine with it. My boys haven’t attended as many….but, yes, there will be less supervision than you think and they will find ways to do things they wouldn’t normally do. I understand that sleepovers can be a fun part of childhood, but why do we abdicate our parenting so easily?
Jennifer says
I am a worrier and something I have had to come to grips with, and still struggle with, is we can’t protect them from everything all the time. It’s different with a little one ( I have a 4 and 10) but with the older one I am trying to give her some room to learn to take care of herself. How else is she going to learn? That being said, when we do sleepovers at our house, my husband and son leave. I stay the entire time. We have let her go to others houses but we talk about listening to our gut and calling to be picked up if needed. She also only goes if we both know the parents and are comfortable. She hasn’t been to many.
Kim says
I agree ! I lived up the street from the Neese’s and it is still devastating to know that the perpetrators where her friends. My parents were strict and I could never understand why until now. I realize their rules were for my own benefit and the way society is today, I take a firmer stand on the rules because you just never know! .
J says
So with you on this one. Still in the trenches with my kids and taking the heat but I HATE SLEEPOVERS. Other terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad rules are: Can’t be at a friends when parents aren’t home. Can’t be at a friends house without the mother home and co internet usage at friends house. I tell other parents these rules when I meet them. Also I don’t allow male babysitters. Took up these little gems after speaking with a counselor for troubled boys and a special victims detective. I have even spoken with my daughter this year about inappropriate behavior from teachers since she has entered middle school and it seems to be on the rise with teachers. We cannot afford to be complacent when it comes to protecting our children.
jen says
But…why where do you draw the line? Same thing can happen on playmates, etc, ANY where that your child is not immediately with you.
jen says
I mean on playDates
J says
I agree to your question, “where do you draw the line?” I found out just a few years ago that my sister was molested at a neighbors’ house when she was only 6 – in the middle of the day – by one of her friend’s older siblings. She just went over to play after school, and was only gone for maybe a half hour to an hour and that happened. So I understand wanting to protect our children, but I can’t just say “Sorry, you can’t play at anyone’s house.” How do you prevent something like that from happening without sheltering them from experiencing life? (I’m being genuine here, not antagonistic.)
Alicia says
That’s a good question – where to draw the line. That’s where the acceptance of “you can’t protect them from everything” comes in to play. Of course you can’t protect them from everything, but you should take measures to protect them while they’re still growing and learning how to protect themselves. You as a parent have to decide where to draw the line. You could decide to never let your kids out of your sight, if that’s what you prefer. But it’s a much higher chance that a child would do something, be exposed to something, or have something done to them at a sleepover because they’re there for so many hours and are left unattended during “sleep” time,
You can’t shelter them from everything no matter what you do; but you can set reasonable, consistent limits and rules to help protect them.
Carol says
Exactly . The article even said pick them up at ten. You should be aware the same thing can happen at 9 pm that you think could happen at 11 pm. Raising kids with an open dialogue is more important than a ban from good friends of the parents.
Helimom says
What about family, (cousins aunt and uncles) the few times it has come up they have been offended when we said we arent comfortable with our 4 or 7 year staying the night anywhere. (We have let them stay at grandma and grandpas house about 3 times.) Not sure how to handle it better?
Helen says
I think the best protection for you children is to talk to them about what’s appropriate behavior. What private parts are, that no one should touch them and that your child should not touch anyone’s. How to protect themselves. What to do if someone is trying to touch them. That even is a trusted adult or friend tells them to keep something a secret, there should never be any secrets from mommy and daddy because its not safe. While our children have not been to sleepovers at friend’s yet, they sleep over with family a lot. We even remind them before those occasions that no one should be touching their private parts and to tell us if someone tries. Unfortunately, even family can harm your children. I think children should be aware there is danger out in the world. It may not be the boogie man, it may be your best friend’s dad or neighbor.
Crystal says
This makes me so happy. I am “the MEANEST mom on the block”. I only allow an hour of video games or tv in my home (all pre watched by me), no soda and not too much sugar, a set bed time and “niceness rules”. I just know not every parent is as strict as me and I don’t want my kids (6 and 10) to not have to follow them. My girls are only allowed to sleepover with a handful of family members (I don’t even trust my whole family) and our next door neighbors. They are our closest family friends and have children the same ages and use the same set of rules for their children. About once a month we swap kids for a night so mommy and daddy can have a date night. I feel comfortable that if there is a problem they have a key to our home and can take our kids home until we get there or if they get sad at night we can walk next door and get them. I think it’s important for my husband and I to have some time together and we don’t have a lot of family close by. I think for people that are scared of this it would be nice to find one family to be close with like this. We spent years getting to know them before we even tried it. I trust both of them with my kids and I know they feel the same way about us. But a sleepover anywhere else? No way!
s says
I agree we cannot be fearful parents not in their eyes anyway I strongly believe it is our job to teach our children how to make right decisions when you’re not there because unfortunately we will not always be there we have to trust that we have taught our children the right things to make the right decisions unfortunately bad things happen everywhere all the time that are completely out of our control shelter your children will not prevent this
Nols says
Now that your girls are teens id love to know how your strict approach has developed over time. I went to school with girls who’s parents were as strict as you and guess what? They were the ones who lied to their parents, snuck out and created the most mischief. Hmmmm
Becky says
My daughter just got back from a sleepover this morning! We don’t say yes to all of them but I think it’s fine occasionally. I cannot parent out of fear and I also have experienced enough with my 3 to know that I am ultimately not in control – God is. I love my kids dearly and do what I can to keep them safe, of course, but evil exists in the world and I cannot prevent it from their lives completely. There are times to let them be little and for us, sleepovers are included in that.
Monica says
I completely agree that I also cannot parent out of fear. There are only a few people that I will allow my children to spend the night with, and my middle child has yet to have a sleepover except at her cousins birthday party. I do not want to deprive them of the fun of sleepovers. I don’t believe that the problem has gotten worse over the years, I believe that with the invention of the internet and 24 hour news, we just know about it now.
Jenn says
I agree, we have a not sleep over rule right now, my kids are still little, but I think our job as parents is to train our kids to be good adults. We need to educating, role play and helping our kids feel secure in themselves so that no matter where or when they are faced with danger they have the tools to manage it. We can’t protect them forever and from everything but we can prepare them to protect themselves. My husband has also requested no sleepovers at our house (other than family) because of the false accusation issues we have seen in the public. Scary stuff.
Beatriz says
I completely and fully agree with you, luckily for me I started with this rule when my girls were so young that they now, even in their teen and preteens, don’t have any interest in attending the, as they describe them, drama filled torturous sleepovers.
Kate says
I’ve had lots of sleepovers and thankfully have never had a terrible experience. I think this is a great eye-opener for something I’ve never thought of before.
I am a teen though, and as most teens do, I like hanging out with my friends. I think experiencing bullying and inappropriate activities really depends on the friends. My friends are all kind people that I trust to respect my boundaries.
Dana says
I absolutely love this post and peoples comments!! I am sooo glad I am not the ONLY ‘mean’ mom out there! My boys are are only 7 and 3 but it is good to know that I am not the only mom out there that thinks this way!! I am the over protective mom that will not even let my kids go some places with other people, even family members, unless I am there (yes that may be extreme but otherwise my anxiety will get the best of me that something will happen and I not be there!)Thank u so much for ur post!!
Sami says
I am so grateful for this article. For years i have felt like the odd man out for not letting my kids have sleepovers. I am so glad im not the only parent who has this same opinion. Thank you for making me feel like a not so bad mother. Xoxo
Emily says
We also do a no sleepover rule unless it’s close family or one or two close friends for my older daughter (I know their family values line up with ours).
I did want to mention that I give my ten year old an”out” when she’s feeling uncomfortable in a situation-because things can happen even when it’s not a sleepover. I tell her to claim a stomach ache and that she needs to call her mom and go home. This way she doesn’t need to be embarrassed or feel peer pressure about participating in something she’s really not comfortable with. I know some may have a problem telling their kid to lie, and I understand that, but it works with my daughters personality, and we’ve discussed in detail why this type of lie would be okay n certain situations.
Michelle says
I do let my 12 year old daughter have sleepovers, but only with a few very close family friends. (hopfully we really can trust them) However I do allow my kids friends to sleepover at our house, usually on weekends when my hubby is away. We also do what we call a half sleepover, we do all the fun games, eat junk food, and watch movies but everybody goes home by 10, or 11. and I think those play dates are even more fun than the a regular sleepover!
D. Baum says
I’ve read this article and all the comments. Frankly, you all need to take a xanax. How do you expect your kids to be productive, independent people if you hover over them all the time? Do we have rules? Absolutely. Do our kids think we’re strict? Yup. They have set bedtimes and limited video games, but they also don’t live in a bubble. They get time away from Mom and Dad. They get to experience life out from under our constant gaze. They have learned to make good decisions without us. That’s ultimately our job as parents — to instill values into our kids and give them the tools they need to be good people, even when no one is looking.
H says
Exactly. Thank you.
Monica says
Here’s the other thing, if you think your kid is safe at your own home 24/7 that is an illusion! When I was little (4th grade) my dad was a youth minister and 2 of the youth came over to babysit my and my 2 younger brothers. It was a brother and a sister teenager that babysat us. We all fell asleep on the floor and you can guess what I woke up to, inappropriate hands!! This was a teenage boy from the youth group at our church that my dad was the youth minister of!! It can happen anytime anywhere from anyone. Obviously we need to use common sense but train a child in the way they should go and when they are older they will not depart from it. The biggest problem is children not telling their parents when something happens, I didn’t tell mine and most kids don’t. That is what worries me more. Something happening and my kids not telling me, because it could happen at school too, or from another classmate, or a teammate, or a fellow band member, church member,,,,,the list goes on!
Erin says
Yes, we do need to teach our kids to make good choices on their own and trust them to do so, but kids (and adults) have trouble making those good choices when they’re tired. Kids aren’t missing out on anything if they leave a sleepover at 10 or 11 instead of sleeping the night at another’s house.
Ashley says
Experience life and make decisions? absolutely.
However, a decision is being made for them in what is supposed to be a safe environment when molestation happens. This is something I CAN prevent in this case.
We let our kids experience germs, but we all avoid the sketchy 7-11 bathroom.
and past that, when you host someone else’s child in your home, you are vulnerable to the whims of the child. Should the child falsely accuse, say, your teenage son, husband, yourself of inappropriate behavior? whether or not you’re proved innocent, people will always wonder. It’s not something you can shake.
I’m all for giving them the reigns and letting them step out of the nest and all that, but not in this particular case.
Emily says
Amen!! We can’t keep our kids in a bubble!
Annwen says
You do understand that this is not about the child making good decisions – it’s about all the other people that you have no control over. The majority of abuse cases come from people your child already knows – how does that not bother you?? I will teach my children about making decisions for themselves in a variety of different ways, but by potentially putting them in harms way isn’t one of them.
Linda T says
D Baum…I so agree with you. Most of you people are deluding yourselves about the amount of control you have over what happens to your children. You need to teach them how to react in different situations and live in the real world. I’m in my 60’s and have seen a lot of bad things happen, but I’m appalled at how naive some of the young people I meet are when it comes to dealing with real life situations and this is mainly because they have been never been let out of Mommy’s sight.
Dana says
In the real world, grownups don’t sleep at their friends’ houses for a lark. Typically if they do it’s because they’re visiting from out of town to save on a motel, or they attended a party at the friend’s house and got too drunk to drive. And a grownup is better equipped to defend themselves from another grownup than a child is to defend themselves from an adult.
I get a little tired of this getting trotted out. The other place I hear it is “I know school is horrible and the rules are arbitrary and unfair and you get bullied a lot but I have to prepare you for the real world.” School is nothing like the real world: we have one system of laws for everyone and when someone applies them unevenly they are usually *breaking* the law, and one adult hitting another adult is considered assault and battery. We literally force our kids to be in situations that legally they would not have to tolerate as adults. Meanwhile we fail to teach them to balance a check and change the oil. I think we really need to re-evaluate our reasons for doing things.
Leslie says
Agree. Everyone has to do what is right for them, but my job is to help my child learn to become more and more independent. Like I said in another comment, some kids need more guidance than others, so each parent has to make that call.
Julie Ridgeway says
Amen!
Kate (Family DoDots) says
Love the evident values in this article. My husband is a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and has worked as a counselor with many clients that have been abused at sleepovers whether its the big brother, another friend, an uncle, etc. It is absolutely devastating. Our children have late overs instead too, though they aren’t thrilled about it and don’t understand the need to be “overprotective.” Generationally as things move forward, these are the situations where we must safe gaurd our children. We’ve also told our children to call us anytime they are uncomfortable and tell us they don’t feel good (tummuyache, headache, whateverache) as a “password” for come get me NOW I’m not comfortable here. Luckily, they’ve never had to use it yet, but they are prepared and that’s what we must to do as parents…safe gaurd our precious children. Great article. Loved reading it!
Lauren says
Wow, I thought I was the only one with parents who wouldn’t let me spend the night. I also came to the understanding with my parents decision and vowed that when I had kids I would do exactly like they did. They allowed my friends to spend the night at our house but never the other way around.
Paige says
I appluade you a thousand times for your wisdom and willingness to do what you feel is right for your kids! I share the exact same opinion and was thrilled to see I’m not the only one.
Felicia says
As a child, there were selective sleepovers that I could attend and at time I thought it was terrible. My parents preferred the sleepovers were at our house. As a parent I totally understand. I once allowed my oldest child to spend the night with a relative. Oh, the things he saw that night! The adults got into a physical altercation at 2 am(I’m talking knives and bleach throwing) and the mother decided to walk the children 2.5 miles to my house and bang on the windows (said she couldn’t find her phone or the doorbell)! Needless to day this drastically altered my view on sleepovers! I’ll pass and I love the alternate ideas you provided.
Old mom says
My “baby” is now in his 30’s. I did not see any mention of this but one of my biggest fears was if that family had guns in their house. When he wanted to go play at a friend’s house I called the parents to see if they had guns. If yes he did not go. I also restricted sleep overs. It is a scary world out there!
Beth says
I absolutely agree about the sleepovers and love the late-night play date idea! I have to admit that I don’t quite agree with that stance on guns (NOT because I’m pro guns though!) I worked with a gun instructor once who said that most children play with guns and pull the trigger because they have NO idea how to handle a weapon and have never been taught to respect one. When the allure and mystery is removed, when they have freedom to discuss guns and see one with a parent present, the curiosity goes away. My husband is a sheriff and works in the jails, so we do have an unloaded gun that is kept in a locked safe far out of reach of our children (seriously, I can barely reach it with a stool). But occasionally we pull it out, let them touch it (UNLOADED!!!) and talk to them about the importance of never touching one without an adult present. We tell them to treat every single weapon as loaded that could hurt you. We also educate them about never, ever, ever pulling the trigger. Ever. We show them the trigger and talk about guns of different sizes. We also go over case scenarios of what to do if you or your friend find a gun in someone’s house. We tell them to never touch it and to always go straight to an adult to show them where it is. If their friend touches it, they are to leave immediately. I just strongly feel that education is the best tool here. What if the parents lie to me about guns in their house? What if someone brings a gun to their house in a car or glove box? What if the parent is a police officer? What if what I teach my child saves their child’s life?
Marisa says
Agreed, education is always the best way.
Dielle says
My children go to sleepovers… and I pick them up at 11:00pm. There’s not much “good stuff” they’ll be missing after that. I didn’t experience really terrible things at sleepovers, but did go roaming the streets at 2am once, and had a number of “teasing” experiences that were actually quite mean. Why subject our kids to that and possobly much worse?
Stephani says
I have told some of I our friends that I know we are considered mean parents. We live in the neighborhood I grew up in. As a kid, we ran the neighborhood. We stayed out until hearing our parents call us for supper. However, we do not let our girls do the same. We have a 9, 5, & 2 yr old. They don’t even play outside unless my husband or myself are out there. We have aloud our 9 yr old to go to a few sleepovers but are extremely selective of where she goes. We have told her no to some sleepovers & play dates when we weren’t comfortable with the people or situation. We have hosted several sleepovers at our house because I have control over what’s going on. We have stressed to our daughters the importance of no inappropriate touching, undressing in front of others, etc. Being a parent is the hardest job any of us will ever do. We can only do our best & make the choices we feel are appropriate. Things can happen during non-sleepover activities as well, so while we will probably continue to allow sleepovers judiciously, I completely understand the decisions above. We all have to do what we feel is best for our families.
mary simmons says
My girls are now adults with children of their own. I denied my older daughter wanting to sleep over at her friends house, recently divorced mom with a live-in boyfriend. Years later we understand the boyfriend abused both the woman’s daughters. Thank goodness we averted a possible situation.
On the other side of the coin, we did have a sleep over with neighborhood friends and during the night one of the girls fell off the bed as my husband and I picked her up and put her back on the bed my husband commented, what if she wakes up and see’s me hovering over her, thinking I may have been touching her inappropriately? We both thought that one over and decided no more sleep overs at our home or away. Yes, we were thought of as the “Mean Parents’ but we knew our kid were safe, and we could not be accused of any improper behavior that may have been inaccurately perceived.
Gina says
This is really insightful. We’re not quite at the age where my girls would even be ready, but having been to many sleepovers, I don’t ever feel like I had positive experiences. Nothing good ever happened when it got late- I have a lot of memories of drama, sneaking out, fights, bullying, etc. I also didn’t always know the parents of kids I was staying with. I recently did training through darkness2light (d2l.org) which teaches that we as adults need to not be afraid to ask the hard questions, to get to know other adults that our children will be around. We feel like we will be insulting people if we ask questions (guns in the home? criminal records? who will the children really be with?) but isn’t in worse to put the kids in danger then worry about hurting someone’s feelings? I really like the idea of just picking them up later and that will also save the kid from being grumpy from staying up all night worrying about their underwear being put in the freezer!
Rae says
glad I’m not the only one.
Helena says
My good friend’s older brother (age 6) was molested at a friend’s house during a sleepover, by his friend’s older brother (age 9). He was so little, he didn’t know how to process it. He stayed quiet, and started molesting his little sister in turn (age 4)- my friend. No adults knew, and this went on until she was 17. It tore the family apart.
brittany says
I have to say being a mom of a one year old, this isnt an issue I have given much thought to before. But I cant help but agree with you. I’m not a fearful parent usually. In fact im probably far too trusting.
And while aleep overs in my high school years were tame because I fell in with a very good crowd. When I was in grade school and middle school I witnessed a lot of very bad thinga at sleepovers with the other neighborhood kids.
They were all “good kids” and everything in their eyes seemed harmless, I suppose. But ibwas so traumatized by them when I found new friends I completely severed ties and never looked back.
I saw my first porn when I was 11. 11! Thinking about thay as a mom makes me cringe. But it took place at a sleepover where one of the girls wanted to show me the tape she found under her dad’s bed.
Looking back, the parents were very normal nice people that im sure my parents never thought twice about supervising their children. And that is terrifying to me now.
Your post has definitely given me a lot to think about. I applaud your no-sleepover rule!
EwaBeachMum says
My sentiments exactly. Thank you.
Tanya says
Love love love this!! I was called the mom who will never allow her kid to grow up. By everyone, little did they ever realize as a parent we do have the right to decide how we parent! I wouldn’t change a thing that I did 😀
The Mean Mama says
We have a no sleep over rule in our family as well. The exception being, if there is actual purpose ie: mom is in the hospital giving birth to a younger sibling.
I was a TA in a family studies class at BYU. The instances of bad sleepovers cropped up in more than a few personal essays. I agree with you, its just not worth the risk. Late overs, night games, s’mores in the fire pit… all the fun with significantly less risk. The breakfast idea is fantastic! We will be sure to use it.
Eileen says
Totally agree with you, as does my daughter with her six children who will never go to a sleepover. I did them as a child and teen. Sometimes they did become a bit ubcomfortable. I think it’s easy in a group situation to do this you wouldn’t otherwise. And that’s not taking into account what some evil adult might do!! People can appear perfectly normal and yet not be. Thanks for your insight
Nancy says
I don’t want to start anything but the teacher in Nephi was found not guilty and I understand we don’t know what ha
Jen W says
I respect your decision to say NO to sleepovers. However, if I hadn’t been allowed to attend sleepovers as a child, I never would have gone to church. By sleeping over at my girlfriends’ houses over the weekends, I was able to attend church with my friends (my family did not attend church). I loved being a part of the youth group, and developed a strong faith, made some good friends, and grew some roots in the church, thanks to my friends and their parents’ generosity to open their home to sleepovers. I can appreciate the “not worth the risk” mentality, and I am also super vigilant when it comes to MY kids. But I am grateful my parents allowed me to participate in sleepovers- I think My life would be a lot different (and not for the better) if they hadn’t.
Serena says
I am so happy to have read this. My little is 4 and already I’ve started with the freaking out about going to a friends house without me and sleepovers. I can’t believe the idea of just NOT participating hadn’t crossed my mind.
About playing at a friends without you? How do you handle that? I don’t know if I’m up for it.
stacey says
My children attend sleepovers and my children have sleepovers. My children go to youth church functions, school outings, trips with friends and their families as did I when I was growing, if I hadn’t i probbaly would not be the out going person I am today. We have the open door policy at our house that no conversation is very taboo and you will never get in trouble for talking, asking a question or telling us about something important. You are our children and you come first, is our moto. We do not believe in sheltering our children and WE believe that not letting them experience the social things in life is a form of sheltering, we are cautious, we know who our children’s friends and who their families are. Sure things can happen, they can happen anywhere: church, grocery store, park, school, etc. Things can happen anywhere anytime. You hhave to h a ve faitgh in your children. Mind you my children are 18, 14 and 11. I would put my children in harms way intentionally, i want them to live life to the fullest.
Ann says
Soooo glad I grew up in the 60s and 70s.. No problems in Utah county back then!
Leslie says
I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but of course there were problems then, too=-people just didn’t talk about it and the kids probably never got help. At least now most kids are more educated about what’s appropriate and feel more comfortable telling someone.
dot says
So I do agree to this in some ways and in others I don’t. I know bad things happen to children and yes this happens all the time but it can happen anywhere. That dad taking pictures of his daughters friend’s could have been in the school doing it to all the girls but would that stop you from letting them go to school? Or what about their karate, ballet, cheerleading practice? It could easily be their coach but yet you’ll probably let your kids do sports…the reason kids do things behind their parents back and not tell them things is because they don’t see how something could actually be that bad. Take booze for example, if I didn’t hear my parents freak out about it and tell me that it’s absolutely horrible I probably wouldn’t have drank at an early age. But I wanted to see why it was bad. Instead of reprimanding your children you should teach them that you are their parent and they can go to you for anything not them being to afraid to tell you stuff that they did. You can do that and tell them that there will be punishment for these things. But oh my gosh don’t try and take away slumber parties. There were so many nights where I felt so broken and I just needed my best friend so I would stay the night. Late night talks are the best with friends. I’m just saying my opinion
not impresssd says
I can’t believe what I just read. These all seem to be extreme cases. A blanket ban is crazy and over protective. The responsible thing is to be informed. Get to know your fellow parents. Talk to your child about the dangers of life. But don’t wrap them in cotton wool and automatically assume the worst of other people
ONLY A CHILD says
This is one I a caught on. Some of the best moments of my life were at my best friends house (so much so that my husband and I bought the house she grew up with. ) We got in to trouble and mischief we pushed the limits of right and wrong but all and all we were just kids being kids. until one night her brother friend spent the night. Her and I slept down stairs and they (7yrs older) slept upstairs. Well “the friend” didn’t go to be he was watcing TV. her and I slept on the dining room floor. all of a sudden I had a guy spooning me and rubbin my legs and side. I remember feeling excited and flattered then dirty and scared. luckily I was smart enough to go to the bathroom and lay back down on the other side away from him before it went any further.
the next day I told my friend who acused me of being a liar or maybe it was in my dreams.. I was so paranoid that when her mother came to check on us changing I slamed the door in her face ( I couldn’t tell her what I was scared of I was ashamed) years later after being at a bar I ran in to him. I rehashed the situation in a flirty way to try to get the truth . He was able to finish the story and my friend heard. to this day he tip toes around me, but 10 years later having that justification was a big deal. It messed with my self preseption horrible though my pre teen and teen years. It was a very well supervised situation but it still happened and my low self esteem came from that 1 bad sleep over.
ONLY A CHILD says
to go with previous post: Now as a mom of 3 young boys, I have to say I am not sure 100% where my husband stands none of my sons have even been invited yet, but I don’t think I will ever be able to be comfortable with a sleep over. I do waiver, the thought does come to camping trips and them bringing a friend when they get older. but that is about the only scenario I am contemplating. I don’t think sleep overs are all bad and I do worry my decision to say NO may put them in a situation to get bullied or picked on but in reality these years are so small when you look at a life time. So I weigh weather the social shaming and learning how to cope with that VS., them going to far on something they can’t even contemplate! This is a very hard decision!!
Sarah Pickering says
I agree as someone that was molested at a young age by friends of my mom’s while we stayed at their home as a kid. My daughter (6 now) has had cousins that have stayed the night since she was a baby, but generally I’m too much of a control freak to let her sleepover anywhere, she even tried to stay the night 2 years ago at her grandmas house that we were in town visiting and she couldn’t sleep because they go to bed with the tv on, (we barely watch tv), so my husband went through the snow from our hotel to pick her back up. We allow people we trust to spend the night and bedroom doors are always open in our home. I’m a light sleeper and my daughter does get night terrors occasionally. I’d gone to many church sleepovers or sleepovers at my best friends home and never had an issue with anyone, I think it depends on what kind of people are around, some people hide their bad sides.
Lori says
I agree with your article and feelings. Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only “horrible” mom out there. I cherish every moment with my son. He’s growing up so fast.
Josh says
Sleepovers are definitely iffy territory in my mind. I do think I will let my kids sleep over at cousins houses, though, because I have great memories of doing that. I think there are possible situations where sleepovers can be safe and fun.
Megan says
While I respect your opinions, they also worry me. My twins are not even two, so I can’t quite put myself in your position, but I plan to allow sleepovers when they get to the right age. I can’t protect them from the whole world, so my goal is to give them the tools to act- to call if uncomfortable, not take pills, and so on. You raise some great (albeit scary) points. Hate that we have to think about these things.
Jessica says
I’m sorry, but I think a “no-sleepover” rule should only apply to younger children. My sister is 11 and has been going to sleepovers since she was 9 because she was taught what’s wrong and what’s right, and that she doesn’t have to respect an adult just because they’re an adult, let alone listen to them. She was raised and taught to /think/; “Is this right? Should I do this? Should this person be doing this?”
She knows that, if something isn’t right, she’s not going to talk to the person and God forbid they try to touch her in a way she doesn’t want to; she can throw a punch and is not afraid to. She will punch and run, if need be. She also owns and knows how to properly use mace, and a tazer, and she keeps both in her purse. Yes, she is 11, but she was taught to know how to take care of herself. She also has her own cell phone that she uses responsibly.
It’s a matter of how you raise your children. I realize most of your are probably Christian, but you can still teach your children to live in the world without being of the world. In other words, teaching them how to fend for themselves does not mean that they have to be mean, bullies, or thugs. My sister is extremely self sufficient already, and even makes her own money doing things around the neighborhood, and she saves that money. She currently has $300 saved up to get herself a horse, and that’s after she’s put her own minutes on her own phone all this time. My sister is going to be one of the few kids who will actually make it out in the real world, because she was taught to know how to from the beginning.
I see so many children who aren’t allowed to watch scary or “inappropriate” movies(and this term seems to be overly used; just having kissing or a single sex scene or violence doesn’t make it inappropriate; it makes it more like real life, which they’re going to learn about eventually, whether you want them to or not), or aren’t allowed to play with fake guns, or aren’t allowed to play video games unless they’re deemed ‘educational’ or some shit.
Let me make it clear: All you’re doing is SHELTERING your children. You are not TEACHING them anything. The world is a big and scary place and you have to prepare them for that. You can’t protect them from everything, so you better make damn sure you prepare them for it, otherwise they’re going to be screwed when they’re grown up and ready to take on the world and then get promptly knocked on their ass by it.
I’m sorry if this offends everyone, but my God… Most parents nowadays are frickin’ ridiculous.
maddiee says
You might as well kerp your kids from staying after school for a tutor session or sports training because they can be molested too. Prepare your children to battle the dangers of the world our they won’t let live life to the fullest.
I Know a girl molested by her own parents that tried to make a move on my friends dad we all seen it and she tried to blame HIM. After seeing a psychologist the truth was revealed but my point is the sleepover was innocent! She was molested under her own roof.
maddiee says
My apologies I didn’t mean for my comment to go there.
But I agree with you Jessica
Heather says
Jessica,
I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts. If our children are only sheltered and not TAUGHT how to deal with those situations, that is where I feel the REAL danger is. We have a neighbor that we’ve been friends with for over a 2 years. We know the parents very well and they know us. We feel this neighbor is part of our family! I have a hard time telling my children ages 7-9 that I’m sorry their friend cannot stay over because her family does not allow sleepovers. If they ask me why I have a very difficult time telling them that they’re afraid that Daddy might molest her? Really?!
I’m not blind or ignorant to the horrible things that can happen in this world. And I agree with Jessica, that there are so many factors that should be brought into this decision…but enforcing a blanket “no sleepover” policy, in my opinion can be just as dangerous to our children. TEACH them. I’m not afraid to tell my daughter that she cannot stay over at her friend’s house yet because I don’t know her parents well enough.
Also, many children that are raised with those rules, the ones without justification, will eventually rebel the first chance they get. I’d rather arm them with knowledge and strength instead of fear and sheltering.
Thank you for this discussion!
Kate says
This is a reply for the woman with the very long (but well-written!) post about how she thinks prohibiting sleep-overs isn’t teaching our children how to handle problems. (I apologize for not remembering your name, but I thought your post would appear above this reply—-nope!) Anyway, I see your point—-but having experienced severe abuse as a child, I want to suggest a new point to consider: when people of any age are shocked by some behavior, and especially by someone who is assaulting us in some way, they might FREEZE to the extent that they FORGET what has been taught to them about how best to respond to such an attack (ie., scream for help, run, call home, etc.). In other words, without meaning to do so, you are setting your own children up to feel VERY responsible if they do NOT respond defensively (as you are teaching them to do) when they are assaulted or abused, but instead they unexpectedly freeze in shock. My own body went numb and my ears began to ring—-I think I was not breathing, and probably near to fainting. I could not move at ALL; I just froze in shock, fear, and horror. I pray nothing like abuse or assault ever happens to ANY child, but I agree with parents who quietly provide OTHER activities than sleep-overs for their kids’ socialization and fun. (And everything in this modern world IS tricky: our own son wasn’t even AT a sleep-over when he briefly entered the home of a child friend who was our neighbor, to get a popsicle—-and the friend’s parents literally had framed pictures of graphic PORN on their living room walls! Thank God our son told us and we could talk it out—-and you are correct to encourage openness and learning; it just won’t always help, if kids are so surprised that they basically go into shock and forget/can’t respond as taught. What a world!!! <3 Thanks for posting this caring article, Mom whose Name I've forgotten, too!!!! I live in Boise and am also a writer! Excellent work! 🙂
Kari says
I couldn’t agree with you more, Kate! There are actually books and studies done on this very subject. When you’re in situations where you panic part of your brain actually shuts down and that can cause you to not remember the exact things that you need to get out of that situation. I have not experienced this myself but thank you for sharing your experience because its hard for people to believe or understand that that could happen when they think they know and have been taught exactly what to do in situations like this, and many others. I agree that it can look like parents are sheltering their kids, and some probably are, but you can teach kids about all these things and then choose to not put them right into those situations. I don’t believe in talking to my child and helping her to understand all that could happen and then throwing her into those situations to see if she can respond how she was taught and hope for the best. Our job as parents are to prepare AND protect.
Lyn says
While I agree many people overprotect their children, I completely disagree with your hypothesis. I have allowed my children to attend the occasional sleepover while I still remain nervous about them. The reason being, my sister was sexually abused for five-six years by my parent’s best friend while at sleepovers with his daughter. He was an extremely well-respected, fun, amazing member of the community and literally the LAST person you would ever suspect. My sister was taught all of the things you said parents should teach kids so this won’t happen to them, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way as she did not know it was even happening. He put drugs in the bottles of pop the kids would drink later and she had no memory of the situation. The only way anyone knew…. his son found dozens of journals with pictures and video tapes and turned him in to the cops. He was in jail for ten years for sexually abusing 8 girls. Four of them repeatedly (my sister included). Upbringing has 0% to do with whether someone is abused and it is almost offensive for one to suggest that… but I won’t go there 😉
I agree over-protecting your child can do more damage than letting them experience some things but there is also damage to be done if there is no protection. I have seen overprotected children go off the deep end because they were never allowed to learn to deal with peer pressure (they will sometime whether it is as a child or as an adult). I have also seen kids whose parents were the opposite develop extreme behaviours that will do the same types of damage in different ways throughout their lives. As for sex scenes and violence in movies, there is proof in medical journals that exposing children to those types of things too young actually does psychological damage and alters behaviours. I can tell you that the students in my classes (I teach grade five) that are allowed to watch movies like saw, etc, have radically different behaviour than ones who are not. And it is not positive behaviour and will damage them their whole lives… These are not written by christians, or church groups, these are solid medical journals using studies that have spanned years and there are hundreds.
I used to feel the same as you and then, I actually had children. It is a completely different playing field and having a sister is not the same. It is our job as parents to raise responsible, respectable human beings and that takes hard work. It is SO much harder than anyone can warn you or than you may even think. I would bet we may hear a different tune from you when that happens…. 🙂
Lyn says
I was trying to reply to Maddie. I am not sure why it didn’t place me there 🙂 Sorry if this comment was confusing 😉
mommasan says
I agree on the no sleep over. I too was molested at a sleepover – by my FRIEND, the very one who invited me. And yes, I had been taught all the things you are “supposed to” do – but it didn’t prevent anything & meant nothing at that moment. I spent at least 15 yrs thinking it had all been my fault. I tried to tell someone initially who blew it off as mutual experimentation (it was NOT)..and I was sort of shamed about how it is normal, just don’t let it happen again, sort of thing. Worse yet, I did think it I was my fault, so therefore I thought if I acted the right way or did the right thing or didn’t do the wrong thing, it wouldn’t happen again. Our mothers knew each other very well & most times these arrangements were made without even asking me. Sometimes it happened, sometimes not, so then I would get confused & think maybe I *could* control it by having the right actions or avoiding the wrong ones. it made total sense to me then, even though now I know it was absolutely unrelated & had more to do with access & lack of supervision.
So – there it is & I can’t even possibly me moved from it. No way on earth am I risking that for my kids. Yes it “could happen” in other ways, but this won’t be one of them. I am also very very selective about letting them go in daylight hours with others & I supervise everything I can. Children commonly do not tell because they blame themselves & because they do know this will cause pain to their parents. There are other reasons as well – but this is such a strong things, it is why even today my parents & siblings do not know – I figure it would hurt them to know, so why hurt them now? Heck, maybe they are here commenting on how silly it is to limit sleepovers for all I know. :/
I think saying “where do you draw the line” can be said about anything. I do let my children ride in cars, even though I know they have inherent risk…a car, for us, isn’t something we can avoid. I do not let them ride in cars without proper seats or belting. Same idea. There is no need at all for a sleep over. It is simply not a *need*. There is some need for them at times to be cared for by others. I minimize the risks as best I can & then hope for the best on the times I have to let it be out of control.
NEVER think any given child is not a potential victim. NEVER believe you can teach them enough to be able to handle it. NEVER assume they will tell if it does happen. Real life doesn’t work that way….I can tell you first hand. I am such a mouthy outspoken confident person & have always have been. It would shock the heck out of people to know this sort of thing happened to me. My parents were careful, they never let me go with anyone who was in their inner circle, mostly from church, and I even denied, denied, denied when the odd occasion happened when someone did the whole ‘Has anyone ever…” thing. I knew it was a lie even when I said it. I just wanted so badly to believe it too & it was in fact the answer they were hoping for. No one ever wants a kid to say “yes” to that one….be honest with yourself. We all think we want the truth of course, but “yes” is the very answer we all dread & every kid already knows that – so that alone already taints the chances of an honest answer.
I have had other kids sleep here – but generally a a favor to the parents, as babysitting. Then I do, I sleep in the same room with their kids (and usually mine. I sleep light, I have no doubt nothing happens & I have zero worry Dh would ever be accused of anything since I am present. I can’t tell you how many moms I know thank me for knowing I will sleep by their kids – knowing I am right there if there is any issue – even just a bad dream or a tummy ache. I just can’t imagine doing this any other way. My very 1st job as a mom is to ensure safety as best I can & this one to me is pretty easy. I would allow them to sleep over with my ONE friend’s kids because I know she does the same, but because we live in far away cities, we do a family sleepover when we all get together, so it isn’t an issue. I need to relocate her closer to me. <3
Rese says
I agree with you on this one. My kids already know – sleep overs are a big no-no- they are not even allowed to sleep over at cousins or grandparents house without me or my husband. That is just the way it has to be today, sadly. My parents had the same rule for me when I was growing up, I missed out on A LOT of fun that all my friends were having all through jr high/high school – BUT, I survived! and I never did drugs – and all my friend did
mal says
We do have sleepovers but I’m super diligent in teaching my children about what’s appropriate and not. We also have a code word. So she can call me and if she says the code word I show up with an excuse for her to come home. But also, lots of you say only with family members. Do you guys know the statistics of how many kids are molested by a family member? It’s a lot. It’s more common than strangers. So keeping them from sleepovers will not remove the danger. You have to teach your kids. I had great friends and experiences with sleepovers as a kid but let’s face it, you can be molested by an uncle in the bathroom while everyone is home like my mom was, or molested by the babysitter. Do we ex out the babysitters and never go anywhere without our kids either? Tell them they can’t go to the locker room cuz they might be assaulted? No you teach them what to do if a situation ever arises what to do and how to protect themselves and listen to their conscience. Bubble wrapping kids doesn’t work. In fact I’ve seen highly sheltered kids be worse off cuz it’s like being on a chain your whole life and then suddenly having freedom when they hit 18 and they go hog wild. So be safe, teach your kids to be safe but also how to defend themselves and RESPECT themselves.
Kathryn Maurin says
Give me a break. Sleepovers are a part of growing up. The thing to do is be a responsible parent and know the parents of the kids and that there will be supervision.. This is helicopter parenting
Nicole says
I totally see where you are coming from, and I really think any parenting choice comes from a carefully thought out, best-inerests-in-mind place in our hearts. I agree with some of your points, and we don’t let our girls go to sleep overs at any old friend’s house. They are allowed to stay with my folks, my in laws, and one of my childhood friends, who has a kid their age, and that’s it. It’s all about what we, and they, are comfortable with. Those places are safe places, and work for us. As with anything, do what’s best for you.
tigger1453 says
To all the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-parents-who-won’t-allow-sleepovers…
As a lay counselor in a church setting, and as a survivor’s advocate for a sexual abuse recover program, I have heard hundreds of stories of sexual abuse by trusted friends, neighbors, relatives of all kinds, camp counselors, medical personnel, teachers, bus drivers, pastors, youth group leaders, kids on schoolbusses, coaches, brothers and sisters of friends, parents of friends. In short…there is NO ONE who can be trusted unsupervised with your children, in any location, with or without others around. That said, you should also know that even the most diligently observed kids may be abused. Let the sad experiences of the people who told their stories to me in confidence be a reminder to you to trust no one (including your spouse) with your kids or anyone else’s. Do not allow yourself to be lured, coerced or bullied into allowing your kids (including teens) to be in situations where they are vulnerable. Talk to your kids about prevention and strategies for getting out of difficult situations, but please know that abuse is about vulnerability, and abuser’s power and control. Keep your kids under your watchful eye and roof. Regret is a hard taskmaster.
Shannon says
I understand the huge burden all of those horrible stories must be to carry around with you but do you realize what you are saying? Never let my children be in a vulnerable situation,,, but you just said that they are always vulnerable if they are not being directly supervised by me. Not even if there are other people around, not even with my spouse. And if my spouse was reading this and agreed then it would also not be appropriate for my children to be alone with me since he could never be sure if they were safe. How would any one implement this? Both of us could stop working and follow the children to school everyday. Or we could both stay home and keep the child from leaving but eventually one of us is going to break down and have to use the bathroom.
issa1010 says
If we go by your logic, though ,then basically if we don’t duct tape our kids to our sides for their entire lives, then they will be subject to abuse and molestation. What kind of a way is that to live–for the kids or for the parents?
I agree that a child molester could be anyone, but that doesn’t mean that everyone is a child molester. It’s like the classic Venn diagram: some A’s are B’s, and some B’s are C’s, but that doesn’t mean that all A’s are C’s. And you will drive yourself absolutely crazy if you walk around wondering if each person you see is a potential predator.
There is NO way to guarantee the absolute safety of our children. NO WAY. Even if they are standing right next to us.
Josh says
Amen. This is a point of grey. I, for one, had some amazing experiences at sleep-overs. I also had some bad ones. I was never molested, thank goodness. But this is life. There are predators everywhere, you listed — what? — 4 or 5 instances, out of the literally millions of sleep-overs. Do what you will, but this seems to be another case of mormon culture trying to become mormon doctrine, and that is wrong.
Let kids use their agency at some point, or when they are finally able to use it I don’t think we’ll like the results.
April says
I completely agree with you. Tons of bad things happen at sleepovers, even in your own house. My sister and I had a friend we had recently met, when we were 6 and 7, stay the night with us and she would touch us and more… I can only assume she herself had been molested. I truly didn’t understand, but I knew I was uncomfortable, but she made it seem like I would get in trouble if I told anyone.
On another note, when I was older and stayed the night at a friend’s house, I was pressured into trying marijuana.
Thankfully and by God’s grace, I do not do these same behaviors.
It is scary raising kids in this world, but even though this happened to me, I do not suffer the effects, depression, etc.
Thanks for your post.
Also a suggestion, do a family and friends campout. Parents and their kids stay in their own tent, but still get the experience of staying the night. 🙂
Ashley says
Late overs are the best!! Thanks for this post. Love it!!
Christina says
Thanks for sharing! No sleepovers is the rule for our family too.
Linnea says
I am trying carefully to phrase this in a way that does not seem offensive, so I do apologize if I cross a line.
I honestly believe that this is the wrong approach. Yes, we should do what we can to keep our children safe… but there are threats – even threats of rape or sexual abuse – everywhere. You hear horrible stories about children being attacked at school and in daycares, at church, and during extracurricular programs… by babysitters, by tutors, by coaches, by family members… I really do not believe that there is a higher incidence rate of abuse at sleepovers than there is anywhere else our children go without us.
I believe that the very best thing that you can do is not to try to shield your children from any possible danger (which, unless you kept them under lock and key for their entire existence, is impossible), but that the better approach is to teach them how to protect themselves. Teach them Judo. Give them the physical tools they’d need to escape someone who is larger than they are (Judo is a sport very often taught to bullied children and to women, because it teaches ways for the smaller person to get the physical advantage and it doesn’t involve any hitting – it’s all about self-protection).
Explain to them that if anyone is hurting them or making them uncomfortable, the right thing to do is to get out and find help; that sometimes it’s okay to tell an adult no; that sometimes it’s okay to scream and wake up the entire house; that sometimes the very best thing that they can do is be loud and bold and brave.
Give your children the confidence – and the tools – to stand up to abuse. You will never have control over every situation that your child is in. As parents, we can’t. We’re not there every second of every day. but the very best thing you can do as a parent is to teach THEM how to control the situation. Could problems still arise? Absolutely. But those problems could happen ANYWHERE – they are certainly not unique to sleepovers.
So, yeah, you can deny sleepovers. And school. And church. And sports. And dance class. And even chess club… but that, to me, seems akin to never driving your car instead of just getting car insurance. It’s not a practical long-term solution and it doesn’t solve all of your problems.
Afterall, one day they’ll go off to college and no one will be sheltering them then – wouldn’t it be better if they’ve known for years and years how to keep themselves safe, rather than suddenly being an unknown and strange world of being alone with non-family members at night?
Dawn says
I so agree with you. We can’t protect them from everything, but we can teach them to protect themselves and make them confident in themselves so they are less likely to become victims.
With that being said……I raised 2 boys and they almost always preferred to be home at night. I think I can count on 1 hand how many times my oldest (now 21) stayed at someone’s house other than family. My youngest (now 19) was a lot more social, I always made it a point to meet the parents and let them know I was a parent who paid attention and I expected them to be present and pay attention when my child was in their home.. I only had a problem one time and my son informed me when I picked him up that the dad apparently came home drunk and looking for a fight so the mom sent the boys upstairs to the bedroom and told them not to come out. I handled that one and I will admit not very tactfully. But I think the parents got my point.
I was more amazed at how many children spent the night in my home and the parents never even bothered to meet me or even ask for the address where there child would be staying. I’m just thankful I didn’t have girls, I probably would not have let them out of the house.
I think each parent just has to trust their instincts about allowing sleep over, you just have to do what you’re more comfortable with. No child has ever died from not being allowed to go to a sleep over.
Tina says
Thank you for writing this! Many people don’t see things the way I (and you!:) do. Articles like this are wonderful because as it is read over and over again, it will solidify the thinking and logic of many mom’s who may have otherwise been ‘brainwashed’ into thinking they were just being paranoid. Thank you so much again. A VERY important article.
Shae J says
THIS ARTICLE NEEDS TO BE SUBMITTED TO A PARENTS MAGAZINE! I whole heartedly agree with what you have written here! My mom was the “terrible, horrible, no-good very bad parent” in having a no sleepover rule and all my siblings and I were upset whenever we were invited to a sleepover because we knew we couldn’t, but we put up a fight anyway hoping our mom would change her mind. Now as a mother, I am on her side as I understand even more how important it is to do what I can to protect my children from the many dangers that exist. It is interesting that some of the commenters view it as being overprotective or “helicopter parenting”, or “too controlling”. Actually, this is is about safety and protection. OF COURSE there are PLENTY of situations where I can’t control such as in school and as my daughters get older, there will be less and less that I can control. That is part of life. And that is fine. My daughters should learn things on their own. But for a SLEEPOVER….knowing the dangers that exist, to me it is ABSOLUTELY NOT worth the risk, I would rather do what I can to keep my children safe. If they ask why, I explain to them why according to their level of understanding. I love the suggestions given for alternatives to sleepovers. They are not missing out on anything while they sleep anyway.
Jackie says
I completely agree! I grew up in New York and had several sleep overs growing up with no incident…. Until I was about 16, and was living in Utah and was just about to move to California, since our house sold my parents and I didn’t have a place to stay so we ended up getting split for one night up among friends that went to our church. I was staying with a friend who was living with her aunt and uncle…. I would never had guessed I’d end up in a nightmare situatution with her male cousin…. Ever since I’ve made it up in my mind that I would never let my kids sleep over at anyone’s house. As for even cousins I’ve had issues with that’s now that I’m a mother of three kids. My older sister had been molested by our uncle. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean there isn’t danger, in fact you’re more likely to be abused by a family member than by a friend or stranger. I’ve been very weary of even letting my kids sleep over with family for this reason…. Especially since I know that I have a brother in law that has a porn problem. Honestly I’d rather have friends of mine, siblings, and their spouses be mad at me or hurt by me insinuating that I don’t trust them then to deal with one of my kids going through that! This is even why we don’t let anyon, not even family change our kids diapers unless they have too.
Brad says
You do know that the guy from Nephi was found not guilty right? Does that mean he is still a horrible person for something that a jury did not convict him of? It bothers me when people continue to judge even after the fact. But the court of public opinion will never see reason. That guy’s poor wife and children suffered so much for something that he didn’t do. Why don’t you take that “fact” out of your story? Or simply add the fact that he was found not guilty but it could have happened. This is a great story and very well written I might add.
Nicolette says
Noted, and thank you. I will revise that statement.
Nate says
I agree with you and my wife and I also prohibit sleep overs. We sometimes allow “Stay-Lates” which usually include a curfew of 10:00.
One note though – I realize the story about the teacher in Nephi, UT helps illustrate your point but it should be noted that he was found by a jury to be not guilty.
Barbara says
I totally agree with you. My parents divorced when I was 6 and my father had custody of my brother and I . I was not allowed to have sleep overs because my father did not want to be accused of something. At the time I hated it but now with 2 small children of my own I understand.
laura says
I feel like i am the minority allowing my son to have sleep overs both at home and also away at his friends. I can understand your opinions however i have a story to tell you. when I was 14 I had a man break into my house while everyone was sleeping and rape me. he choked me so i couldnt scream and then threatened me that he would hurt my little sister and kill my family if i told them. it was a while before i finally got the courage to tell them. so weather your child spends the night somewhere else or not makes no difference!!! you can NOT always protect them. and by trying to all you are doing is making them weak and unable to take care of themselves. My parents learned this the hard way and so after my attack i stared learning self defense which ended up saving my life when i was in college and was attacked again by a man with a knive. i think you all need to stop smothering your children and learn to trust them and teach them to be prepared for what could happen. Its a much better feeling as a parent knowing that my son has had defense training as well as scout survival training and could take care of himself if he ever needed to than wishful thinking that i can always be able to protect him.
Kristen says
Thank you so much for writing this. In our world today those of us who say no often feel alone. This proves I am not the only one out there and I am so OK with being the horrible parent too. At least I know they are safe.
Stephanie says
I agree 100%. I’m a mental health counselor and therefore see too many people in my office who had experiences like the sleepovers you described. It’s not worth it.
Kristen says
Thank you for writing this article! My daughter was 5 when she started planning a sleepover and when she said those words “can I go to __’s sleep over”, all the thoughts in your article came running through my head. I told her that she can go for a few hours, but thank God that plans were changed and the sleepover never happened. I thought I was alone as being a mean Mommy. I totally agree, you never know what is going to happen. I went to a sleep over at a very young age, and I fell asleep early and woke up in the middle of the night, most of the kids were gone, and I kept thinking “where are the adults? shouldn’t someone be watching us??”.
Stefanie says
Kudos! I agree and applaud you for this post. My parents never let me attend sleep overs either. My father, who was a police officer in the city, told me he’d seen some pretty awful things done by ‘normal’ looking people. He would never risk my safety and well being for one night of fun with friends, no matter how much it hurt my feelings. As a child, it was so hard to grasp this concept and many a tear I shed. Now, as an adult and parent of a ten y/o girl and eight y/o boy, I understand his fears and will do all I can to protect them. Even if they think I’m a ‘Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parent’ , one day they’ll understand, too.
David Cearley says
The shocking reality is, our world is no less safe than it was in 1955. Statistically there are no more child abductions, rapes, molestations, or real danger. The only thing that’s changed is parent’s level of paranoia. What’s the result? We’re raising a generation of kids who NEVER have to assess danger, measure or take risk, and gain the experience nor confidence necessary to deal with life on it’s own terms.
TSR says
My son, who is 9, just had his first sleep over. I hated every second of him being gone. I went over the expectation of him staying the night, no internet, no rated m games, no rated r movies etc, etc, etc. Of course he comes home raving about how his friend has an xbox and flat screen tv in his room, no curfew, etc. My son is in no way sheltered, it’s just impossible with my extended family but I do what I can at home.
I was molested as a child by my mothers best friends husband at it happened when we would go and visit. I can happen anywhere. Scary thought but educating our kids, as uncomfortable as it may be is essential.
Karla says
Sometimes it’s more interesting reading the comments than the actual post! I thought this was a very interesting read, something I need to consider for my almost seven- and five-year-old. It seems those who feel very strongly had some sort of life-changing experience (personally, or knew someone personally), and rightly so. Those that have a more laid-back approach have wonderful childhood memories of sleepovers or believe parents shouldn’t be overprotective, yadda yadda. This is one of those there isn’t a right or wrong scenario; it’s up to you as the parents to decide what’s best based on your situation.
Honestly, I did chuckle at some of the comments. One in particular gave me pause and I wasn’t sure if I read it correctly, from tigger-something-or-other, the church counselor. We’ve heard from people about not trusting teachers, friends, neighbors, family members… but your own spouse? Wow. Talk about living in fear. Maybe we shouldn’t even trust ourselves.
While we’re at it… let’s not get married or even have kids! Obviously, I’m being facetious, but I do agree with those who posed the question, “where do we draw the line”
Dawn says
When I was in 6th grade I went to a sleep over at a friends house. There were 4 of us. We slept on the living room floor. One of the girls got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. That’s when it happened. She was gagged and taken to the far side of the house. Our friend’s step dad raped her. He then told her that if she said anything, no one would believe her. Luckily, she didn’t keep quiet. He ended up spending 10 years behind bars. The scary thing, it could have been me. That was the last sleep over I ever went to. And I agree with you, it’s just not worth it. Thanks for you suggestions for alternative activities.
Maya says
I agree with you 100%. I have a 9 year old daughter and now most of her friends seem to be having sleepovers to celebrate their birthdays. I will allow her to go to the party for a couple of hours then its time to go. And I have only dropped her off one time without staying at the party. You just never know these days what may happen. And there are no sleepovers at our house. Nada, never.. Mean, bad, terrible Mom!!! I just won’t risk it.
Amy says
Thank you. Sleepovers are not the only places these events occur. Maybe we should not allow our children to use a locker room after practice or let the gymnastics coach spot our daughters or let our kids be altar children or take private music lessons or help out the neighbor across the street who just isn’t as strong as he used to be? The best defense is a good offense. Build that relationship with your child, let them feel loved and confident and willing to tell you everything. That is their best defense against predators. Fear of a possibility is not.
Debra says
I wholeheartedly agree. The worse things that ever happened to my daughter happened at sleepovers. I just didn’t find out until much later, or she wouldn’t have continued to go to any more.
Courtney says
I really enjoyed this article. My husband is against sleepovers and I have countless stories of all the fun ha (FYI not the kind of fun my kids to have, mind you). This has been a sore topic for us but you brought to light many things hadn’t thought of and I might be changing my mind on this past time. Trust me if that ol saying about your kids will do stuff 10x’s worse than you, then this is for their own good. Thanks for the different perspective and alternate ideas!
Vicki says
Bravo! I am in perfect agreement.
Erika says
Thank you for this article. I also feel very uneasy about sleepovers. My son is 8 years old and he’s been invited to a few and I’ve said no repeatedly. Fortunately, my son is not ready for sleepovers yet….and it hasn’t been a battle (so far). May I ask how you decline an invitation when a friend’s parents invite? Thank you!
Kathleen says
I just say, “I’m sorry, we have a standing policy of no sleepovers, but if you are ok with it I will pick up Johnny at 10.” If their not ok with that it’s a complete no-go. It’s one of those decisions that you only have to make once, and enforce a thousand times. Eventually my daughter didn’t get asked to sleepovers anymore, and I was ok with that!
Sharon says
Very good article! I grew up having sleep overs and they were a ton of fun. I never would have thought about it from this perspective. I was sexually abused, but it never occurred to me that it was a possibility at a sleepover. I commit to be a no good very bad parent after reading this article. I want to protect my babies I don’t want them to suffer what I have been through. Thanks again for this perspective.
Nicole says
I am also a no good very bad horrible no-sleepover parent. My boy’s are 9 and 7 and have already “missed out” on a birthday sleepover. We let them have a late night instead. I know as a child, both my husband and I got into mischief and dangerous situations at just about every sleepover. And I was a “good” kid growing up 🙂
Kathleen says
That was very much my reasoning too! Many of my “firsts” were at sleepovers! I too was a “good” kid!
Nathasja says
It’s so interesting to see how different perspectives parents have across the world.
I live in Denmark and have to beautiful girls at the age of 3 and 6.
Next week my oldest is going on a 6 days campingtrip with the entire school (it’s a very small school with only 130 children) where shes going to sleep in tents with her teachers and classmates, an no parent would even consider saying no, even though they children is only 5 and 6 years. And a couple of weeks ago she was on a 7 days long horsecamp with her friends. And you wouldn’t even consider letting them have a sleepover. So thought provoking to see, how different we understand what is dangerous to our children, and how we give them the best and most safe childhood.
Nikki Jamison says
You can save them from one danger only to have them placed in the path of another. There is no way to mitigate all risks. I just wrote about this in light of some things that have happened both near and far from my own home this past few weeks. To be parents, we must be courageous – and that includes letting our kids take risks that will help them become strong, independent adults – with our support. http://thisnikkij.com/2014/08/20/this-and-that/
Kelly says
Yikes!!! Take a Xanax! Sleepovers are a fun part of growing up. Bad things can happen anywhere from locker rooms, school bathrooms, the back of the library or even a school bus. I’m not saying we should let our kids run amok but good grief if you lived in fear of everything bad that can happen you’d worry yourself to death. Kids aren’t meant to live in bubbles. And yes I have two myself. My 11 year old is sleeping over at a friends house as we speak. They’re going to go walk around the mall later while that mom sees the eye doctor. Life is meant to be experienced, and we have to have trust in our children that we have taught them how to handle themselves. Sometimes bad things will still happen and that’s painfully unfortunate, but if we shelter them from everything then how can we expect to be able to safely turn them over to the big wide world as competent adults?
LD says
Well said!
Kathleen says
We’ve never done sleepovers, and my 18 year old daughter survived the social repercussion just fine! One thing I always tell my children is that NO-ONE cares as much about their safety or long term happiness as much as Mom and Dad. This is very evident to me when I see tweens wandering around town way after the sun has gone down. I wonder if their parents know where they are? We have had a slumber party birthday party. Everyone came in their jammies, ate a cute cake of sleeping girls (twinkies), musical sleeping bags, and all the 6 year-olds were home by 8pm. We have had cousin sleep overs, and a very special occasion where they were able to go on a trip with a friend. As well as campouts with church. Thank you for sharing. I had one mom say to me…”I had no idea I could say no to sleepovers!”
Lili says
Thanks for posting this. So glad to know my husband and I aren’t alone in our no sleepover rule. We allow kids to sleepover at our house on occasion, but don’t allow our middle school daughter to sleepover at others homes. Sometimes we don’t even allow her to hang out at others homes. In one instance that we did, her friends older brother (which is enough for me to not have her go there in the first place) was showing her his bb gun. Ummm, enough said! Now I never hesitate to ask if someone has guns in their home. And vicious dogs or older brothers too :/ We tell her friends she can’t spend the night at ANYONES home. We say, “It wouldn’t be fair to let her spend the night with you when she can’t spend the night at so and so’s house.” We also have a no asking for sleepovers or hangouts in front of other people rule.
Elbrie says
I couldn’t agree more. I have boys and I still think sleepovers is asking for trouble. We have done all your suggestions for alternatives to sleepovers and they worked out great. My boys think I’m cruel, but they will thank me one day and understand when they have kids of their own. A sleepover gone wrong for me, as a young girl, sealed the decision – NO sleepovers, even if my kids think I’m horrible!
mom24boys says
My oldest is 30 and my youngest is 15. We only allowed sleep-overs at certain relatives homes and only if 2 or more of our boys went.
I have found a great way to fill the “gap” left by no sleep-overs. We go camping with friends. Everyone sleeps in their own camp but the youths have all day, into the late evening to hang out and then wake up the next day and start it all over. My two camping buddies and I are in agreement about the “rules” so we are all on the same page.
Elizabeth says
I wanted to comment on this. I have 5 kids and we have always said relatives can have them over night but only if the older one or two were with them. One on one will not happen and the baby stays with me.
Karen says
We have always had this rule in our house, as well. My 15 yr old hates it. As we talked about this together, I realized that there are many things people in the past have done that we don’t really do any more–not because they are BAD, but because they are not wise to do in the time we live. A sleepover with a great group of kids is not inherently bad, but in this society we live in, it’s just not a good idea to do them anymore.
I was also able to point out to her that it’s easier for her to say to her cheer team that she isn’t allowed to have sleep overs (period) than to say she isn’t allowed to sleep over with them. Rules are to protect–not punish her.
Debra says
Thanks for sharing your story. I don’t allow sleepovers for my children, either. I never really thought about it before, but then I listened to a speaker at homeschool conference share why their family didn’t do sleepovers. She talked about the same things you did, and relayed a similar personal experience. After that point, we stopped doing sleepovers.
Bec says
I refuse to parent out of fear. Sleepovers are part of growing up.. Of course, sleepovers should only be at homes where you know the parents. We need to teach our kids what to look out for and how to follow our instincts. We need to tell our kids what could happen, have open communications with them. To never let them have a sleepover just seems too harsh. Seriously.. Are they going to be allowed to go to college.. Because you DO know what can happen there,right?
sara says
I boldly state, I do let fear influence my parenting. I am a loving parent. I hold hands in parking lots, buckle seat belts, I’m selective in my media choices, I build up body image, I feed healthy food. I set limits as any loving parent will do. Within these loving limits, I actually create a freedom. A free place for my children to thrive. And when they go to college, they will be whole.
Will I be 100% successful? No. But I will try my hardest.
Betsy says
I understand your point, but why do you feel that your kids are safe at school/church/any other activity at which you are not present and at which other kids have been molested/raped?
GRice says
I agree with your stance on not allowing sleepovers. Too many things could go wrong. You are your child’s best protector.–keep standing up for what you know in your heart is right.
D Beck says
I really appreciate you coming out and saying how you feel about this. It is a hot topic! We don’t do sleepovers in our family either, but are surrounded by extended family who do allow it and give us a hard time about our stand on things. Thanks for taking a stand!
sara says
Thank you. My parents did the same for me. I will forever be grateful.
Nicole says
I’m curious what you all will do when your children become old enough to drive? Will you keep them home because they could cross paths with a driver under the influence? That’s a worry I have every single day, but my husband is quick to remind me, God is in control. A no-sleep over rule, is your choice, but you all are kidding yourselves if you think that will protect your children. Abuse can happen any where and any time. Life is full of scary things and bad people, but we can’t allow that fear to control us. You should teach your children, not shelter them, and some times, you have to just leave it up to God.
signed a mom of 3 late teen to twenty-something beautiful, strong and independent children.
Elizabeth says
I’m 100% with you on this and I’m a mom to 5, one of which graduates high school this year. I know many times I’ve been called overprotective, but I know where my kids are and no one is hurting them in a way they should not. They know as a child I went through more than most and that is why I’m protective, they also know that the world is NOT full of completely nice people even though many are. I would rather be safe than wish I had been safe later.
Denise says
I agree with your comments about sleepovers. What I don’t agree with is you using an example you shouldn’t to scare parents: “Last year, a Nephi, Utah teacher was charged, but found innocent, of molesting an 11-year-old former student who was sleeping over at his house as his daughter’s friend.” If he was found innocent, doesn’t that mean said abuse most likely didn’t happen? No need to continue to spread what looks like a false accusation just because said false accusation supports your opinion.
Annette says
I have the same way of thinking. I was raised with the same precautions ex. No sleepovers, no parties, no going over friends house, friends were okay to come over as long as my mom was home. this was hard on us as kids but I am so grateful for that up bringing now. My cousins who were raised very differently in terms of “freedom” and abilities to go to parties and friends houses suffered unnecessary and tragic things. These things included molestation, attempted rape, and an indecent exposure incident. One if those was from a family friend. As for my children I will raise them like I was raised and hopefully avoid any potential harm that can come from leaving my children with out my supervision. I respect everyone’s opinion as we are All trying to do our best.
Heather Baker says
I completely and totally agree with you. I was allowed to go to them when I was a kid. These days I would never let my girls stay overnight anywhere!
April says
At first I was pretty appalled by this article but the more I read the more I thought about what you were saying. I live in Idaho as well, on a military base I’m originally from a large city in Texas. In a lot of ways I’m happy I have a boy, although I myself went to a lot of sleep overs that were absolutely harmless my parents had to have a meeting with the parents and have numbers in case of emergency but even with that I was a very umm rambunctious child and teen. So seeing this really has me thinking over whether or not I want to have sleepovers. I know I will have family and close friends sleepover since I have nieces and nephews all about the same age and I trust my sister’s parenting but maybe now I will have less faith in other’s.
Suzy says
Good for you for making the best choice for your family and sticking with it, and thank you for not judging those who choose differently. We have allowed our children to sleep over at friends’ houses- those whose parents we know well. Not all of their friends’ parents have made the same choice, and we are ok with that (and have used this as an opportunity to teach our kids about different families” rules). There are certainly many reasons to consider this carefully and this is a great reminder to review sleepover rules regularly and discuss issues as they become age appropriate (and as technology invades more of their lives!) We also make sure we discuss with the parents what we approve of, entertainment wise. The parents have been very supportive and now will reach out to ask us about specific movies or screen-time limitations.
Diana says
I am totally with you on this. My last child was born in 1988. I loved sleepovers as a child but when I became a mother I had reservations about my children having them. We were very found of sneaking out and walking around town. Most parents went to bed and they never knew we were doing it. I found out when my children were grown that they did the same thing at sleepovers when they were young. SLEEPOVERS AREN’T FOR SLEEPING! Once when my youngest was at a sleepover he watched “Chucky”. It was an R-rated movie and haunted him for most of his childhood. I would have never allowed this in my home and I am an avid doll collector so that made it worse for him. My mother also had a bad experience watching a film at her friends house. The child’s father scared her really bad. It was a good thing she lived close enough to escape and run home. I love your ideas for nighttime fun.
Diana says
I am totally with you on this. My last child was born in 1988. I loved sleepovers as a child but when I became a mother I had reservations about my children having them. We were very found of sneaking out and walking around town. Most parents went to bed and they never knew we were doing it. I found out when my children were grown that they did the same thing at sleepovers when they were young. SLEEPOVERS AREN’T FOR SLEEPING! Once when my youngest was at a sleepover he watched “Chucky”. It was an R-rated movie and haunted him for most of his childhood. I would have never allowed this in my home and I am an avid doll collector so that made it worse for him. My mother also had a bad experience watching a film at her friends house. The child’s father scared her really bad. It was a good thing she lived close enough to escape and run home. I love your ideas for nighttime fun.
Kori says
So glad for your articles :))
Kori says
You can’t protect your kids from everything but there is so much we can do. I was never a fan of sleepovers, too much can go wrong. I told them I would pick them up at a designated time. They had fun thinking about it, getting ready for it and than going and enjoying it until time to leave. They didn’t always want to go when I came to pick them up but most of the time they were tired and ready to go. If your friends make fun of you for leaving than are they really your friends. I’m so glad that this article is bring awareness.
Rebekah says
i LOVED your article and completely agree!!! thank you for your honesty and sharing your thoughts. my husband and i have always said, “no” to slumber parties and will continue to. unfortunately not everyone agrees, but i suppose that is par for the course in life. it is encouraging to read all the other comments of others that do not allow them either-kind of felt like we were the only terrible, horrible, very mean {weird} parents.. thanks!
Mary Beth Holzwarth says
Through the work I do to educate parents on how to keep the children in their communities safe from sexual abuse (see blog), I still preach this. There are parents that are still okay with sleep overs…and I welcome my kids friends to my house, but my children are very limited on even play dates at others’ houses. There is a very short list of people my children would stay with if absolutely necessary (my hospitalization, etc) and it has 2 people on it. That’s it. Why chance it! I applaud you!
david says
For all that I agree bad things can happen the author’s summary points out the problem.
How will the child ever grow into a fully functional adult and be ready for college if the parents truly protect them from everything and don’t allow any risks? This is a ridiculous standard to set and it’s impractical. If children don’t learn to exercise judgement they’ll find themselves unprepared for all these things later in life.
None of these risks are endemic to sleepovers only. Kids will play spin the bottle after school, or after baseball practice, or before the pickup time. It used to be that parents knew who their children were friends with, knew those parents, and talked a lot with all of them. You should know which parties are safe and which aren’t as a parent, because you should know which parents are overly lenient and which aren’t.
Giving children a chance to misbehave lets your child earn your trust. If you don’t trust them how can you expect them to grow up and have a well-balanced relationship with you the parents or with their future spouse? Don’t handicap a child because you’re afraid of everything that might happen, you’ll teach them to live in fear and that will hold them back.
I suppose the workaround for this specific situation is easy, host every sleepover and never send your kid to grandma’s or auntie’ s for the weekend.
Tandra says
Ironic, this is how I feel about public school. Sleepovers are perfectly fine by me. I did them all the time as a child, always after my parents had seen the house, met the family members, and I had been to the house for temporary visits prior.
To me, sending a child off to public school 5 days a week for 7+ hours around adults that I have never met or may not even be aware are on the campus (electives teachers, staff, substitutes, etc.) is more dangerous than sleeping over at a trusted friend’s house.
And the painful truth of being a parent is that you have to let them make mistakes and you have to teach them right and wrong and that choosing right may not make you popular but it will keep you safe.
Tamara says
I completely agree!!!!!!!!!!! We are afraid of what could happen when they are over at someone else’s house. On the flip side, my husband is an educator and I wouldn’t want someone to wrongly accuse one of us and possibly ruin his career. We are paranoid, but better safe than sorry.
Elena says
I am so very thankful to my parents for never letting me have sleepovers when I was a child/teenager. I remember being so mad at my mom for it; however now I could not be thankful enough. I now have a child of my own and even tho he is only 8 months old; I am so terrified of all the horrible things out there that happen to children. I pray to the Lord to protect him and keep him safe in his life. My husband thinks that sometimes I’m way to cautious and I always tell him that it’s better to be safe than sorry. I know as a mother I cant protect him from everything in this world but what is in my power that I can do, I will.
Sebby says
I understand how things have changed and the world isn’t as nice a place as we hope it would be for our kids. I would hate to totally disallow my child from experiencing sleepovers altogether. There are close families that we have known forever, that my child can stay over with. I would never send my child to a home that’s parents’ morals aren’t in alignment with mine. We have also had sleepovers where two of the moms are at every sleepover. It’s kind of like a throwback from our childhood for us. We get to have fun AND keep a close eye on the kiddos. Fun for EVERYONE.
AnaG says
I’m sooo happy you write this article I feel better. I feel the same way and I was thinking I was paranoid or weird. You are absolutely right!!!!!
Vanessa says
I’m so with you on this and it is a current topic in our household!
Teri Mount McCall says
I agree with you. Many people seem to forget the things they got into when they were at ‘sleepovers’ when they were younger and sadder still many think it is some sort of “right of passage” that is “normal” growing up. 🙁
Heathe the Mother says
We have had this rule in our house from the beginning. It was reinforced years ago when a friend shared with me how her good friend’s daughter had been raped at the age of 12 by her best friend’s father while she was spending the night in their home in the same room as his daughter. He held trusted positions on the community and threatened her. She never said anything, but wound up on a path of self-loathing and self-destruction–over something that was not her fault. It took her more than 5 years to finally open up to her parents over what had happened. It was tragic and makes my heart ache every time I think about it.
My kids constantly question this rule and try to get us to make an exception. We stand firm. I always explain to them that as parents it is out responsibility to protect them and we cannot do that if we are not there. The ONLY times we allow them to spend the night is if mom or dad stays the night too, if mom and dad are going out of town and we’ve made arrangements for ALL of the kids to stay in the same home AND sleep in the same room, and if it is family (grandma & grandpa/aunt & uncle & cousins) and they all go together and sleep in the same room. We also do not allow sleepovers in our home unless it fits within the guidelines listed above. Sometimes the kids question this even more, but I explain that it is also to protect mom & dad. We then discuss how someone could make up a story of something that isn’t true that could get mom and/or dad in trouble with the law. Unfortunately these are the realities of our day. My kids are approaching their teenage years and one day it will be appropriate to share with them the tragic tale of my friend’s friend. Hopefully then, or at some point in their lives they will look back upon our rule with appreciation and understanding that it truly was enforced out of love.
Jackie says
I completely agree with you. I work in our community mental health facility and have heard too many stories from adults about their tragedies involving abuse by someone they knew. It’s not worth taking any chances when it comes to your kids. And just like you said, there are other fun and safe alternatives that kids will likely remember more than the sleeping part. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and showing us that there are other parents who feel the same.
Tricia says
Wow. So I just came across this post and thank God I did. My daughter is 3 – so the sleepover thing has never crossed my mind yet! The only place she’s slept besides our house is my parents house while my husband & I were at a wedding. And as I’m reading the title I’m thinking…hmmm no sleepovers..seems kinda harsh. But as I’m reading the examples of events you listed I’m thinking – wow yea I remember all that from the news. This was definitely an eye opener! I was actually never a big fan of sleepovers growing up myself – I’d prefer to sleep in my own bed rather than a friends hard floor haha!
My husband always says I’m crazy mom – bc I am the same way with unfamiliar places and big crowds. I neverrrrrr changed my daughter’s diaper in a place full of strangers – I’d take her to the car bc god forbid there’s some creeper around. And I’m always scanning the crowds and have my mom senses going full force.
We live in a sick and twisted world – and I neverrrrrrrrrr want to be one of those parents on TV whose child goes missing or was hit by a car. People don’t pay enough attention to their kids, and crazy stuff happens.
This article was really good – thanks for sharing!!!
Jenn says
Thank you for this! I too will not allow my kids to go for sleepovers. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this viewpoint!
LilB says
My parents were the same way. When I was younger the rule was that I could have friends sleep at my house but I couldn’t sleep at theirs. It wasn’t until I was an adult that they told me it was to protect me from pedophiles. I’m not sure what I’m going to do when my kids get old enough but it is a major concern.
Caitie M says
When I was 6, I was molested while having a sleepover at my (then) best friend’s house. My husband and I have a daughter now, and we have agreed that sleepovers are not going to be allowed. I’m sure there will be fights with our daughter (and any future children), and I have already had to fight with people to defend our decision. But ultimately it’s our decision as the parents and we have darn good reasons for making it.
Keeli says
As someone who was allowed to attend sleepovers as a teenager and am now expecting my first child, we will not be doing sleepovers for our kids unless they are cousins. I can honestly say that the main times I was doing things I shouldn’t have been, I was at a sleepover. You don’t know the other parents rules and a lot of times they allow their children to do things that you wouldn’t. I always had a curfew at my house, but most of my friends didn’t. I would rather know where my children are at night 🙂
Emily says
This is so hard. It is a really scary world. I know that more and more each day. I have a friend who was molested just by her parents eating dinner with their good friends. She was playing toys at 5 in the older kids’ room. Those stores scare me yes. But molesting, bullying and inappropriate behavior can happen on the bus, at church, at school, for a sleepover or a dinner. My husband and I will pray hard over what to do. It is a scary world yes, but I went to sleep overs and loved them. I rode the bus and never had a problem (even though I know others who as adults have stories of sex/molestation). I went to public school and church and again I have never been molested. I see the scariness but will you be with them in college? their first job? etc. I also know there are things I want to protect my daughter from as long as possible. How do you decide what to be protective over and what to pray over your children while they are gone? I’m not sure but I”m glad I read this article to get me thinking. I don’t know what we will decide but it will be a hard choice.
Tracey says
I love the article about sleepovers. I feel the same way and it’s nice to have my feelings/opinion backed up by someone else.
I have two stories to back up this decision, but from a different view.
In high school I had a friend that would have me stay the night every chance we had, but she didn’t really hang out with me while I was there, she’d read and I’d hang out with her brother and mom. Later after I went to college I found out that her father was molesting her and her brother, but with me there he couldn’t. The truth also explains why he always seemed to hate me.
When I would stay with friends, I actually stayed there, but that was at times due to my refusal to climb out the window to meet boys. I was a goody-goody, but my friends weren’t. They would claim to stay somewhere with a friend and them tell the parents that they were going to walk home due to not feeling well, but would instead stay with their older boyfriend over night.
I totally agree, No sleepovers.
JJ says
The few personal experiences I have with the topic are absolutely very personal, but I don’t have a problem sharing with strangers in the name of educating. Sorry for the novel and beware of personal information. Please no rude or hateful replies.
Although I don’t suggest parenting out of fear (as mentioned in a comment above), I do suggest considering fun a lower priority than safety. Several experiences have taught me this: first, personally, as a child I was allowed sleepovers. I was sexually assaulted by my friend, also a girl, but who was a year older than me, more developed, completely spoiled rotten and in a wealthy family. I admired her. I liked the things she had. I liked to ride their horses and quads, eat their junk food, etc.
My parents hadn’t talked to me about inappropriate touching, masturbation, lesbianism, etc. I was clueless. I was also ashamed and embarrassed and told no one about this. For years my parents allowed us to play together and sleepover. I was sexually abused and bullied from age 7-9. I found every way possible to get out of going to her house. She started calling and asking my mom if I could come over. I started spending less and less time at home because she lived across the street from me. I would tell my mom she was weird. I was told that I needed to be a good friend and that she had a roug family-life and needed a good friend like me. Now the details aren’t as important as the main message. 1. The male adult/child in the home is not always the offender. 2. I felt so terrible about myself that I didn’t tell anyone. I should’ve felt comfortable talking to my mom about anything. But we didn’t have that kind of relationship. Develop that relationship! And 3. Age 7 is too late to discuss these issues. Age 6 is too late to discuss these issues. Before that I believe it’s personal preference based on your child’s ability to understand and grasp concepts. You know them best.
My husbands parents did not allow sleepovers. Yet still, he was exposed to pornography through good friends at a young age. He became addicted to pornography (not child pornography) and struggled for over 8 years trying to overcome his addiction, which I am not up for debates on whether it is bad or good. There is nothing that will ever convince me that it is healthy and normal, or okay in small quantities. It is something that heavily affected our marriage for 4 more years ( and let’s be honest, it still does). At one point I had to stop him from committing suicide. His reasoning was that I deserved better and he was only bringing me down and ruining my life by being in it. That was before we had children. He’s been clean for a number of years now, but he will always be a recovering addict. We learned our lessons the hard way, something we’ve decided we cannot allow to happen to our children. Hearing others’ stories (including those from several friends and family members) only solidifies our firm stance on no sleepovers.
Alma says
This is so true. Im not a parent yet, but my mom never let me go to a sleepover, and I have to admit, it was very frustrating. Her argument was that my little brother would feel sad… now I understand.
Cathy says
I am sure there are parents that think you are going over board. “A helicopter parent.” I don’t blame you!!! How many times do we hear about these awful crimes only to find out it was a good friend or neighbor. I am proud to say that I am a helicopter parent and proud of it!!! Good for you for posting this.
Amy says
You are a great mom and will never regret your choice. Good for you, and your children, for your care and concern.
Barb says
I completely understand…. I work with those boys who were accused & charged with the very horrid actions you describe. I can’t imagine that happening to my beautiful, innocent daughter. Most of these boys were abused themselves & in turn did it too. I’m just their teacher, not therapist, but lets just say I go to the local Wally-world, or the mall & “I see creeps & perverts” Everywhere. I can barely let my daughter go down the street to play. Both my kids still doesn’t understand why I’m so uptight, even today as I told her one of my students left school today, via sheriff’s squad car.. I remind my self often… by helping these boys I can help save 50 potential victims. There are horrid people out there who hurt their own children & won’t think twice about hurting yours.
kristen says
This post is great. Somehow, it popped up in my news feed- I’m not a mom but I do hope to be one day. I have often thought about this issue as the idea of becoming a parent gets closer and closer. My parents did not allow me to have sleepovers and quite honestly, I preferred it that way! The few times I did stay late at a friend’s house for a party I always wanted to get home anyway so I identified with what you wrote above. The whole process of sleeptime (and waking up with someone/others) is such an intimate and personal thing: showering, changing clothes, etc. I agree with what you’ve shared wholeheartedly. It may seem negative but it does seem like now, more than when I was a kid (which was not THAT long ago), things seem more dangerous when it comes to sleepovers. I could be wrong. Either way, not a risk I will want to take. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic.
Brittney says
I loved a lot of this post! I am an in betweener when it comes to sleep overs.. We have lots of cousins that live in the same town so we do cousin sleepovers lots! And we have a couple very close friends that we spend time with all the time that we allow sleepovers and vice versa. That being said I”m getting more and more to the point where 10pm pickup sounds great!
Angela says
Thank you for writing this. We have a 3 year old and one of her day care friends mom had suggested a sleep over. I was speechless and thankfully the conversation changed. That was the first time I thought about sleep overs. She’s only 3 so I was surprised by that but I don’t think I would have said yes if she was older. I will be that terrible mommy that says no to sleepovers but that’s fine with me. Thank you for the alternatives to sleepovers as well.
megan says
So with you…I was on jury duty and a case like ones you mentioned I had to sit through-a girl was sleeping over at her best friend’s house and this happened with the dad. I am traumatized by the testimonies and pain that this girl and her best friend went/are going through.
It causes me so much anxiety. What do you say to your kids or others when they ask for sleepovers? Do you have sleepovers at your house? Is it friend sleepovers or do you allow family [grandparents] sleepovers?
Glad I am not alone!
Tracy says
I’m glad you addressed this topic. We have 5 kids and we don’t do sleep-overs either for all the reasons you mentioned plus some more. I grew up having/going to a lot of sleepovers and while nothing really bad happened I feel like best case scenario you eat a lot of junk food, spend all night gossiping and go home exhausted the next day. The other issue for us is that when you have kids with different genders (or their friends do) at what age does it become inappropriate? My oldest daughter’s best friend has a twin brother. At what age does it become weird for her to be sleeping at their house. One of my best friends growing up was sexually assaulted by her brother’s friend when she was in high school. So sometimes its other siblings and how they are having over that you have to think about. Our kids don’t love our rule (although if more and more parents make that rule it will make it easier! ) but so far they are basically okay with us just picking them up at 10.
Amanda says
I agree! My kiddos do not get to go to sleepovers. They may have a friend sleep over at our home, but never will they sleep over at a friend’s home. I really don’t mind if the other parent thinks that I don’t trust them….because I don’t!
mommabear says
Thank you Thank you Thank you for writing this article. It’s EXACTLY how I feel. I have 2 daughters, who would love the chance to have a sleepover but because society is what it is, in good faith, I just won’t have it! It’s not my girls I don’t trust, it’s all the other crazies in this world! Again, thank you! Nice to have affirmation on my thoughts and feelings!
Laura says
We have done this with our kids for a while. They push back a little but not much. They know this is the rule. Most parents think we are weird and over protective but I would rather be thought strange than regret anything negative my child may have been exposed to.
sandra cunningham says
My daughter had regained my trust and just this once! I let her sleepover without calling the other mom. Turned out that mom knew nothing about it, said no and so my teen went to someone else’s home. The 3 girls were all supposed to sneak out to a party, but only MY kid was “brave” enough to go. At 7am, the mom had already awakened, found only 2 kids and was about to call the police when a car pulls up and out comes my kid.. When I found out I said, “That’s the last sleepover ever.” True to my word, until she was 18 I never permitted another sleepover. Tough love moms.
Donna says
My 15 year old daughter and 10 year old son have known all their lives that we don’t do sleepovers-nada- and there’s no exceptions, no changing our minds. They accept that, and their friends know and accept our decisions. In fact, most of our friends don’t do sleepovers also. Our decision stems from when I was 18years old and a children’s church leader: one of my sweet 3 year olds was molested at a sleepover. We were all devastated because the molester was a beloved church member- someone you would never in a million years believe to do such a thing! So when I had my own children, there was never any thought that I would open my children up to such dangers. Thank you for a great article!
Nancy says
You spoke everything I have thought! No sleepovers here, period. I was allowed sleepovers as a child, but they were few and far between. Some of my daughter’s friends are allowed to have sleep overs and I see them in the aftermath. Parents making comments like “oh, they were up until 4:00 am” or “she hasn’t slept yet, she was at a sleepover last night.” Besides the lurking dangers and temptations, I am not very keen with so many behaviors in kids nowadays. But then I look at their parents and it all becomes very clear. Thank you, thank you for writing this.
Terri says
I’m with you 100%. You put it so well about protecting our children from abstract dangers.
Melanie says
*Random side note, I just moved to Twin Falls, ID so I am not that far from you Nicolette…a friend of mine from Alaska shared this on her FB page, so I was surprised to see where you were from.
I think the biggest thing for me as a mom (4 and 2 yo boys and 6 mo girl) is removing any doubt. I have no doubt that if my children are in my house they are safe, or at least I am held responsible in case of an emergency. And in turn, having children to my house…does not protect me from any untruths that may be raised. It only takes one moment for my children to be hurt and one moment for a story to be told or misunderstood to flip a family upside down and the outcome is not worth it, in any case. My parents had strict rules when I was a child and I will likely be more strict with my kids, because I likely will not allow sleepovers at my home. I loved this post and I am glad to know that there are other moms out there who are looking out for the best interest of their babies.
Serena says
I also enjoy family sleepovers. The whole family can stay over. Also I do have active cameras around my house, so as long as they are disclosed to my guests we’re good!
Kimberly S says
I am proud to say that I am one of those no good, horrible parents, and yes I had the privilege of having sleep overs and going to sleep overs. Not always did we cause trouble, but there was a fair amount of hang up calls and toilet papering and even some bullying. It’s really hard to say no, but to be honest, as a parent… I really don’t want someone else’s kiddo in my house in the morning. Yep, pretty selfish that way. So for me it is not hard to say, nope no one is sleeping over. Kids can get in so much trouble for the same things I got away with as a kid and a simple sleep over doesn’t need to turn into volunteer hours to get out of trouble, in addition to all the other problems that you mentioned.
Christina says
Wow. I understand your concerns, I do. However, how does it affect you living your life in fear all day? How does that anxiety affect your immune system and relationships with others?
We have to talk to our children and let them live life. Talking to them about the dangers and bad things some people will do is crucial but being a helicopter parent will not necessarily help them. It will suffocate them. What are you going to do when your child goes to college and moves out of the house? Starts dating? Maybe you have really young children. However, as a parent of older children, you may have to start to compromise and become a little less freaked out about everything in life or your children will be doomed as young adults. They won’t be able to handle anything life tosses their way.
Tracey says
You’re right, everyone is going to have their own opinion. After allowing my 10 year old daughter to have her first sleepover party (at my own house for her birthday), I don’t ever want to do it again. We invited all the girls in her class (eleven of them), and of course there were a couple that couldn’t come. One was sick. I didn’t know that one of the girls had a cell phone that she brought to the party, and while I was setting up the cake in the kitchen, I suddenly noticed all of them crowded around this girl. I walked closer to listen in, and they were face-timing with the girl who was sick to brag about all being and telling her how much she was missing out. I stepped in immediately after hearing that, pulled my daughter and her friend with the phone aside to have a talk with them and get the whole story of why that happened. I then had the girl call her parents to tell them what happened and have them decide whether she be allowed to stay or not. They were so appalled and embarrassed that I felt bad for them. They came and picked her up right away, and for at least a month, my daughter was the target of being ignored since it was at her party. Now I’m nervous about having any party to be honest, I’m gonna keep it to just a few close friends. If she’s invited to a sleepover, she’s now hesitant enough about it to not want to go after her own experience.
mandy says
Oh yes! I am one of those no good, very bad parents too. Every time I start to think I am being over protective, I read something like this that reaffirms my gut {Holy Spirit} is correct.
Kat says
My ultra-unhip mom from the 1970s NEVER let me attend sleepovers in elementary school, she must’ve been ahead of her time! The first time I stayed over at a friend’s house, I was 13 and it was just my friend and me – no group party involved. I don’t feel like I missed out in the least!
Pam McHenry says
My girls are both all grown up now, and I’m a grandmother. My husband and I were cautious, but not as extreme as “no, never, nada, period.” If we knew the parents personally and trusted them, and it was a girls only sleepover, we usually allowed it. I think parents need to be very picky about where they allow the’re children to spend the night without them.
LKC says
I would like to stress talking to your children about molestation very early on. Do so age appropriately, but do it! My family has a history of older (11 year old) cousins “introducing” sexual ideas to younger cousins (things like pornography, self-gratification, etc.). These activities often happened while children were being supervised or playing in the yard at family events.
The most likely person to be a pedophile is the friendliest, most outgoing, and trusted family members and friends. As a teacher, we get a lot of training on this subject. One convicted child molester (a trusted community member and coach) stated that he had molested a young boy in the back seat of a car while the parents were sitting in the front seat, driving the car. He admitted to molesting over 1000 boys, he guessed the number because there were so many he couldn’t even remember them all. Be proactive!
kim says
I always did sleepovers as a child and I’ll let my son do them when he’s older. I’d rather they happen at our house since he has food allergies and I’d be able know what he’s eating but I know he’ll probably have friends throwing their own so I’ll have to trust. Not everyone in this world is horrible and I won’t punish my child for the wrong doings of others. I trust my son and will just have to have faith in him that he will tell me if something bad happens and know himself to always do the right thing. If you can’t talk to your kids, have an open line of communication with them or trust them than you really don’t have much in my opinion. My mom did it with me and I’m doing it with my son. But that’s just me and my opinion.
Breeanns mcmanus says
Do you do sleepover at your house.. Seems to be a simple solution . Just host them yourself
Holley says
I guess I’m the minority here. My daughter is almost 9 and has been having sleepovers with her best friend since she was 4. We all spend a lot of time together and are very much like a family. She has a second best friend and its the same way. We all pick each other’s children up from school. We have massive sleepovers and parties together. We are all part of a LEO community so we’ve all been exposed to the evils of the world. Yes I agree it is our jobs to protect our children but should we luck them in a bubble to make us feel better? I know all about molestation as in my own home while my mom was working my stepdad has his way with me. While he was preaching at the nursing home he would drop me to his pedophile father. My only escape was when my mom was home or I got to go to those awful sleepovers. Want to get technical more molestation cases are done by family members. More abuse takes place at childcare facilities. It’s a sad sick world we live in but it’s always been this way unfortunately. Now we have social media to get the word out. I think the rule of thumb is to make sure the people your children are associated with are those you completely trust. That’s the best you can do.
Jem says
when I was younger I was passed around like turkey on thanksgiving. I actually can’t remember one sleepover that wasn’t detremantal to my life. Obviously I am an extreme case but isn’t that what we are discussing here? The possibility? To me it was just the norm. I go to therapy, I work with kids and I am becoming a yoga instructor. Luckily someone up above and deep down in my core was looking out for me but a whole world wind of sorrow, pain and abuse could have been avoided had I had some real supervision. If you want something done right you have to do it yourself, never pass your trust onto someone else when it comes to your kids. I know I was abused in my own home, you can never too careful or protective. This should be an eye opener for parents who take s lighter approach to raising their children like mine did and hope this opens their eyes to the much more real than you can imagine sickness that is at ever corner.
Angie says
I have two young daughters so sleepovers haven’t happened yet, but we’ve already made the decision to not have them. I read many of the comments and notice that when the girls sleep over together, boys in the house either sleep somewhere else or leave the house. One thing to keep in mind is the girls will still be together. My friend’s daughter was just recently molested by her friend (WHO IS A GIRL). Sleepovers anywhere are just too risky. So we will not have them at all.
Kim says
Let’s not forget about what is in another home. I didn’t read anything in your post about guns. If we didn’t know someone very well our son didn’t go to their house. We have to know our kids’ friends and their parents! Some may have loaded weapons that are not locked up, laying around, etc. Get to know your neighbors too. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions so you know how others live & behave.
S says
I think your points are valid and really well made, and while I do agree with you that many terrible things can happen at sleepovers, there comes a point where protective turns into over protective. Your rule is accepted now as a way of life, but as your children age in this generation it will really be a burden on them. I have sleepovers with my friends, not to hang out with them all hours of the night and cyber bully people and play spin the bottle while underage drinking, but because it is convenient. It is a lot easier for everyone to stay at the same place to avoid driving back home at 11:30 at night. Personally, staying at the house you were hanging out with is a lot safer than driving on roads potentially far away late at night (applicable to driving teens). There are many dangers associated with sleepovers, but you can’t shelter your kids from everything in the world. God has a plan and you have to leave it to Him, rather than hide them from any possible danger. There is danger and evil everywhere in the world and instead of hiding your kids from that, you need to teach your children how to stay away and protect themselves in dangerous situations so they can be prepared and safe when you’re not there. Sorry if this came off rude, but personally I think you should somewhat reevaluate this view of zero sleepovers (maybe let them stay at your own home?).
Krystine says
I’m curious though your thoughts on play-dates at a friends house without you there? Do you allow friends or family to watch your kids in their home while your not there, even if its daytime?
Jason Argonne says
Nice article. I have FOUR amazing kids and I watched as each one has transitioned to that phase where the dive into social activities. Sleepovers being just one of them. I recognize the overwhelming need to protect them from all the evils in this world but I feel it as much my responsibility to help them develop the skills to avoid them when my wife and I are not around. For sleepovers…our rule is we host the first couple of sleepovers so we can manage the nights activities…no non-profits games, movies our opportunities to be “alone”. You learn a lot about their friends from having them over. Then once we have established agreed upon behavior we allow sleepovers with those families we know well. We expect good night texts and we send texts to see how they are doing. We have gotten that rare text…”can you come get me?” and have responded with cover for “not feeling well” and bright them quietly home to sleep in their own bed. It has not always been perfect. We learned that one of our sons was unable to resist the temptation/peer pressure and tried marijuana. But I considered that not a total failure when he came to us to let us know he had slipped. He was never allowed back…but he seemed to be OK with that I think at least in part because we consistently had rules in place and in part because we created environments where he could “carefully” grow to learn to see what good choices look like. In short, you may not get much sleep due to the crowd sleeping over…but you lose less sleep dealing with resentful kids or with not knowing what their up to. What an axing journey being a parent is.
Pamela says
My son was molested at his first sleep over! And a friend of mine lost her daughter in a house fire when sleeping over a friends house!
Lynda says
I understand the concern and worry but being too protective does not allow them to grow and learn at the stages they should. My sister would not allow her daughter to do most things that I feel kids need to do to become independent young adults, sleepovers, part time jobs, and dating. My children were allowed to go to sleepovers and all those other things but not so with my niece. They did not allow my niece to go to girl scout camp, band camp or church sleepovers either. She graduated from High School in 2013 and went off to college and was home within two months because she could not handle being on her own,. They sent her off again this year to college and now she is going crazy doing all the things you would not want your kid doing and they are ready to pull her financing and make her come back home. In the mean time my daughter that is the same age is doing great at college, full time student living on campus with a full time job making great grades. I think giving children the opportunity to experience life while still watching out for them as they grow makes for healthier adults. I know that bad things can happen but we should educate them not shelter them, life is going to hit them hard if they are not prepared.
Jacquie says
100% agree! We live by this unapologetically, “nothing good happens after midnight, period!” So, whether I am worried about possible crimes against my child or their lack of sleep- no sleep overs.
Rosy says
This reminds me of our previous family doctor who is in jail now with the charge of pornography. With God’s grace, we didn’t experience anything bad from him and our child was not his patient. We were shocked to hear this news. He was very nice and much older too. Who expected something like this from a doctor like him. We need to try our best to protect our children from any harm like this and ask God and all His angels to be around our children all the time. They need protection at school, doctor’s office, friend’s house, cousin’s house and even at their own home….who knows where the evil sits. I must add that these days many parents forget about the importance of teaching children about proper dressing. Not allowing sleepovers doesn’t itself protect any children… life is like a chain that is connected to each other; proper dressing, knowing what is right and what is wrong, knowing when to say STOP, having fear of God and etc. etc. etc….all these plays important roles to build up a good life!
Mommy101 says
Me and my fiancé made two rules about sleep overs
-Sleepovers at our home between 1-3 friends
-NO sleepovers at a friends home that we don’t the parents of well
M says
I would say that not allowing sleep-overs at all is wrapping kids in cotton wool. Yes, bad things such as child molestation may happen, but honestly, bad things can happen on field trips, play dates, at Sunday School, church camp, etc. Would you stop your kids doing those things as well? What I would say: No sleep-overs with a family we don’t know well – if they got invited to one where we didn’t know the family, we would pick them up around ten o clock. No more than two friends over for a sleep-over at a time.
Amber G says
I had sleepovers that were good and bad. But honestly, looking back they were mostly ones of spin the bottle, Even with girls, and being silly. Some, boys snuck over after the rest of the family had gone to sleep, or we snug somewhere. I always felt terrible but had no idea how to get out of it without seeming like the prude or party pooper.
And as sad as it is, I had cousins who were molested and then brought it to sleepovers at my own house. Exploring bodies and such.. I was 5. Those experiences are still fresh in my mind 🙁 I don’t think sleepovers are good if you as a parent don’t think they’re good, with ANYone you have a feeling about. Always listen to it. I had no idea abou what had happened to my cousins, I found out later in life and realized how much better those relationships could have been in we hadn’t had those sleepovers 🙁
Just making the point that even family members aren’t always to be trusted.
I agree with this post and we do Stay Lates. But I’ve made sure to talk to my kids about not going into rooms with anyone or to shut doors. And I make sure their mom is always around. Plus we all try to stay in the same area so I can hear what’s being said/happening.
It’s scary. Our kids are in our charge. Do what you feel is best. 🙂
Anita says
What I don’t understand about this article are the alternatives to sleepovers. If you have a late-night play date or a “late over.” couldn’t something unimaginable happen in these scenarios as well? Molestation, viewing of inappropriate movies, etc; can happen at any hour.
I make every attempt to make sure my child is safe and I’ve recently started letting her attend sleep overs. I must know the parents and I ask questions, such as if they have fire arms and if they are locked away, what are the sleep arrangements, who are the adults who will be there. Only if I feel completely comfortable will I let her attend, and I have said no on some occasions.
The thing is, we cannot be with our children ever hour of the day when they are of school age. While we make every attempt to keep them safe, we cannot hover over them and refuse to let them grow wings and fly. If you are a believer in God that is where faith comes in. You must pray and believe in God for their safety and that goes for their first sleep over to driving on their own to living a life outside of your home when they grow up. You do not stop caring or worrying, but at some point you have to believe in your instincts regarding their safety and your faith that they will be ok. The alternative is constant worry and refusing to let them out of your sight and a child that has zero independence, confidence in their abilities, and coping skills.
Heather Mills says
I completely agree! This article was very well written! It’s nice to know that I am not alone in feeling this way. I would rather have my kids think badly of me than for something bad to happen that I could have prevented. Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts! 🙂
Danielle says
Yup yup yup! Thanks for the reminder of all the reasons why. We don’t do them but sometimes it gets lost and I forget all the WHYS. My mom didnt us… And my kids don’t either 🙂 glad I’m not the only one!
Marsha Markham says
I agree with the things you pointed out and plan to forward it to my daughter in law. Their kids are too young to even think of sleepovers but having it be a hard and fast rule from when they are young, should help settle the issue.. When our 3 sons were young, some of the “rules” were called “family rules” and it seemed to help them understand the concept. It’s better to be safe because you really do not know what goes on in other people’s homes…
Emma T says
This kind of thing is just not on my agenda as something to worry about. Maybe I’ve just lived a sheltered upbringing, or these kind of things have happened to people I know and we’ve just been lucky. It’s very much a ‘small probability’ and I didn’t experience any problems therefore, I’d not expect my son to. However, I’m not sure I’d like him going to a sleepover even as an older teen if there was effectively a party with no parents to supervise. It’s just asking for trouble.
My 4yo has already had sleepovers at his cousin’s house (for baby sitting purposes) and at his Gran & Gramp’s house on the farm (alone and with 2 of his cousins). The sleeping at friends’ houses has never yet come up and isn’t likely to for a while. But I don’t think I’d be worried about it with the people who currently it’d likely to be with. My view is children get to a certain age and you need to give them the benefit of the doubt that things will be ok, but teach them that if they’re worried about anything they can ring and we’d pick them up. I guess in the day and age with mobiles, then it’s easier than my childhood where it was house phone only.
Interesting post to get people to think
Melinda says
Loved the article and couldn’t agree more! Sleepovers are not worth the risk. My husband and I also don’t allow sleepovers at our home. A child can accuse us of something, and that is not something we are willing to chance.
Lora says
You seem to have some issues with anxiety. I understand, as I do myself, but be aware that these issues can be passed down to your children. You are also making yourself unhappy. I refer specifically to this passage: ” Instead of thoroughly enjoying an amusement park, I think of a million ways my child can get lost in one. Every parking lot causes me anxiety. Every stranger eying my child strangly gives me the chills. It only takes once—one distraction, one time of negligence, or rationalization that, “just this one sleepover is okay.” This is not a healthy way to think. You may not realize it, but you are describing clinical anxiety.
Jessica says
Well said – this has and always will/would be a rule long before I had kids and now that I do. I knew of people close to me that had bad things happen to them when unsupervised. No one watches and cares for my kids like I do and I am NOT willing to sacrifice their safety and well being for the stupid reason of sleeping somewhere else. I have always said – we can stay late and watch a movie and then come back in the morning for breakfast but in this family we sleep in our own home EVERY night! Thank you for writing this!
Pia says
I was one who waited and did not start the sleepovers at 6 & 7 like so many, but by around 10-11, mine go. They go to homes I know well, parents and kids I know. I believe that you have to protect your children, but also provide opportunities for them to learn independence–this age will vary person to person. I think keeping them completely in a bubble and then at 18 having them go to university is not providing a scaffolded experience toward independence. My kids have been well informed about sex ed/molestation, I have explained why I don’t let them go to certain homes etc. For me this level of protection is part of the extreme fear based living that does not prepare people to cope, but to hide. Totally get why so many feel this way, and I am very careful. But my kids learn to navigate bit by bit and that includes selected sleepovers.
Jessica mom of three says
I am a mother of 3. My children have slept over by a friend’s house only because I know the parents. A few weeks ago my 7 year old twin daughters received a sleepover birthday invite. They begged and cried to go. Not only that I never met the child or her parents it was being held at a hotel! Of course they didn’t go instead I arranged for them to sleep at the trusted friends house and they forgot all about the party.
Anon says
Thank you for writing this! My husband and I made the choice when our kids were born that sleepovers were a “no”. Based on both of our own personal experiences with how bad some sleepovers can end up. I never feel bad for saying no, because I know, one day they will understand. For a whe they pushed it, asking a lot for sleepovers, but now they just accept that we “don’t do sleepovers”… Except grandma and grandpas house!!!
Plus it’s come in handy for them, when they get asked and really don’t want to go, but don’t want to say that… Well they get to “blame” mom and dad… And that is good with me!
Vanessa says
My sister feels the same way. As an alternative what she does is that she has all the girls come sleep over at her house when her husband is away for work. So there are no males in the house. This seems to make a lot of the mommies out there feel more comfortable having their little girls stay over my sisters house with my nieces. Of course there are some mommies a pick up the little girls around 10 PM. And that is perfectly fine. To each is to their own. No matter what the option it seems to me that all the kids have a blast either way! ❤️
Leslie says
To each her own. I have thought about molestation, but I know the other parents very well, and in our case, I think the risk is incredibly small. As for drinking, rule-breaking, etc–my child is a total goody-goody and would probably call me or tell the other parent. I think it depends on your kid and the other people involved.
We’ve also had the discussion about touching, etc, and that she should never be afraid to tell me anything. I can’t control everything, and I wouldn’t let her stay at a friend’s house if I didn’t really know the parents.
Carolyn says
When I was in elementary school sleepovers were perfectly innocent, however, as I got into middle school and high school they became not so innocent. I would also lie to my parents often about sleeping over at a friends and then spend it out partying instead. I honestly don’t know why my parents never or a stop to it, they must have known about some of it. The hubby and I haven’t talked about sleepovers yet, but my 6 year old is starting to ask about them. I think it might be time to have that conversation. I do like the idea of allowing them to go to the party but not stay the night.
CcoralLee says
I just wanted to comment on sleep overs. 9 yea4s ago I let my 2 girls age 7 and 9 go on sleep overs at a family that we had gotten to know Since June and we had been switching sleep overs with each other. The wife was a good Christian wwoman helped coach the local soccer team and was a stay at home mom.. The dad was a Deacon at his church, Coached the Local girls soccer team and worked for a local pest control They sound like great people right? Well they werent. The father molested my older daughter 4 times from August to December. He has 19 years to life left to serve on his sentence.. My daughters and my son dont go on sleepovers any more.
Sarah says
I highly recommend reading the book Free Range Kids. I know you have good intentions here, but the world isn’t as scary a place as you think it is. It really isn’t.
Angela says
Sounds all great and reasonable, however, how are you going to protect your children from visitors in your own home that might molest them? It might be a trusted grandfather or uncle, or even their father… as long as you have family members stay overnight – or I guess without you present right in the room at all times with your kids, there is a possibility of this happeneing, no matter how much you think you know the person. I think the most important pat is to tell your children, so they are aware, whether at home or at a friend’s house. I am talking from experience here. Sleepovers were not the problem…
Kelly says
I respectfully disagree with this. You cannot shelter your kids from every bad thing that might possibly happen .
What happens if they join a sports team and there is a trip? I was a student athlete and we went on several sports trip a year. I also did summer camps, and class trios. It’s good for kids to be able to be away from their parents for a short time. It helps them learn to be independent.
Carolyn says
I had my friends PARENTS trying to get me to drink alcohol when I was 10, at a sleep over! There WAS all sorts of mischief going on. I let my older girls have sleepovers until I caught boys visiting… That stopped the sleepovers! The younger kids thought I was the mean horrible, too. I didn’t care. Their safety and well-being was most important to me. The older ones agree now that they are parents…. Hold your ground on this one! And keep all little ones CLOSE! They grow up SO fast!
Gina says
I understand your reservations. As parents we want to protect our children. I do allow my children have and go to sleep overs though. We need to have met the parents on numerous occasions first. We talk to them and our children first, and we drop them off and pick them up. They are told, they can call anytime and we will pick them up. I understand there is some risk involved, but we do have to allow are kids to be normal. We have to trust them and people, My one daughter is blind, and we have allowed her to sleep over friends houses that she and we have known a long time. I did draw the line at the two day hotel party she was invited to though. We allowed her to go 1 night, when the party was 1/2 the way through, so we could see what was what. We knew the family a couple of years. I admit I wasn’t happy, and she was disappointed she could not attend the entire 3 day 2 night party. At least she got to attend. We have other peoples children in our home all the time. We allow sleep overs. I prefer to know where my kids are and am one of the only parents in the neighborhood that allows kids to play inside. As a result we often have up to 8 kids in my son’s room at one time. I know where my kids are and what they are up to when they are in my home. Being a parent is scary.
stephanee says
everyone who is fully is on board with this should read “free range kids”. yes we need to watch our kids and more importantly, keep open dialogue with our kids. but sheltering them from every perceived harm out there is impossible and breeds anxiety in our kids. that being said, I am probably the strictest parent of my kids friends- but that doesn’t mean i try to control every aspect of their life.
Tiffani says
Thank you so much for this post. This is exactly how I feel but every time I have tried to explain it to my husband I cannot articulate this clearly without just sounding parinoid! All of the cousins in the family are around the same age, so our rule is only family because we love so close and we are able to, but only if my daughter is the only one spending the night, no other friends. Do you allow for family sleep overs?
Jssny says
I don’t think if I had kids I’d let them sleep over many homes either. However there is such thing as being over protective. My sister is like that with her kids, they are 9 and 5 and can’t even sleep at MY house. I’m a single woman who has babysat them and been there for them all their lives!! I’m not sure what she thinks will happen to them, am I gonna get them drunk or something?! Sell them to the gypsies?! I always feel bad when they are begging her for a sleep over and she makes the most obvious excuses why they can’t. I think there’s a fine line between being protective and being paranoid. Protect your kids, especially if its someone you don’t know well or feel is sketchy but don’t give your kids your issues with trust or smother them either.
Stacey says
I love that you are taking a stand on this issue. My only problem is with the legal terminology that you used in reference to the Nephi teacher case. The teacher was found “not guilty” as opposed to “innocent” that you stated in your post. Please know that those two terms are worlds apart. I can assure you that the teacher is not innocent and his teaching license is currently under review. Thank you for your courage and speaking out on a sensitive issue.
Debbie Kenney says
I’m a 66 yr old grandmother & I grew up in the 50’s & 60’s & my mother would NEVER let me go to any sleepovers or have anyone over for a sleepover She didn’t really give me a reason & I couldn’t have anyone over for our house was way too small, 2 bedrm, 3 children, I survived & grew up very happy but this is one thing I will never forget. Perhaps she knew something I never knew.
Milie says
I am one of those Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Parents….I do not allow sleep overs, First of all because I was the one Molested by an Uncle while spending the night with my Cousins, Second my son was introduced to Porn by a cousin while sleeping over at their home. It does not matter to me if it is family or friends we just don’t do sleepovers. As you can see we have experienced the bad part of what could have been fun. I get funny looks and told that I am not a fair mom, but believe it or not It’s my son that comes to my rescue and tells people “my mom has this rule because she loves me and wants me to be safe, not because she is being mean”. So kudos to you for protecting your child, its a choice we all make as we raise our children and we should not be condemned for doing what we feel is right.
Amelia Hohl says
I think a good alternative to sleepovers are family campouts. For most moms who wake at the sound of a pin drop, it would be hard for your kids to climb out of your own tent and cause any mischief. We do family camping trips every other weekend in the spring and fall in Moab, Utah, the best place to camp ever! Also, I have three young girls, 6, 4, and 3 and I’m already talking to them probably several times per week about what’s appropriate and I tell them about the dangers of child predators. It’s WAY less awkward to talk to a 6 year old than an 11 year old about sex and inappropriate touching. They just listen and never feel embarrassed in my experience. I think 4 or 5 years old is the perfect age to start telling them what to do in case someone is preying on them. We all know they can scream, kick and bite! Another topic I speak to my girls about is about appropriate dress for their age. I feel like clothing is getting skimpier for even infants and small children. We talk about dressing modestly because immodest clothing puts ideas into the heads of boys and men. If we cover our bodies, we will protect ourselves and boys won’t feel like we’re asking for them to put their hands on us because of how we dress. My girls talk about dressing appropriately every day and they always make sure each other has sleeves, skirts to the knee and shirts that cover their bellies. PLUS, no nipple showing, pervert friendly baby bikinis! Please ladies, dress your girls in one piece suits.
mommasan says
Okay – I have to say something here. You don’t put ideas in the minds of pervs by how you dress. You don’t. Pervs are pervs. They don’t become pervs by what you do. There are people with serious foot fetishes = serious ones. Do you skip sandals? Clothing for children from what I have seen has not gotten skimpier. I grew up 40 yrs ago wearing belly shirts & running around topless & my mom was uber conservative, but that was once you hit puberty. In Europe children (all children) at beaches are topless. There are no more pervs in Eu than in the US. The rates of adolescents (who self report anonymously) whether they have ever been violated is lowest in Europe 9% – compared to 25% in the US. You know who are among the highest? The countries with the most restrictive clothing standards, like Islamic countries, such as Saudi Arabia.
If modesty is seen as virtuous within your belief system – fine. That is a separate issue entirely. Do not think for ONE moment think that it has a thing to do with getting assaulted whether you are 2, 20 or 80. It does not & teaching a child that is not only inaccurate but dangerous.
Molestation & rape are not crimes brought on by overwhelming hormones & sex drives, they are crimes of violence, control, domination & humiliation. How you dress does NOT matter – it is in that other person & it is almost never a spontaneous act, but rather one that has been well planned. There is no special dress code for that. The reason we associate it in our culture is two fold. One is that prostitutes are regularly victimized, NOT because of being scantily clad but because society views them poorly, like they are disposable. It makes them very easy targets with little investigation ever done. The other is that we want to believe that we have control over this & somehow if we just dress right or act right, we protect ourselves.
If you look at studies, dress has not one thing to do with the subject of molestation. As it is, molesters groom children to feel responsible for their actions,. Instilling in your children some idea of dress code being involved only reinforces this tactic they will use to groom your kids. If you want to protect them, research what they do, how they do it & then don’t add to it with telling kids dressing modestly will help them. It won’t & it may in fact add to the idea they *can* cause themselves to be molested…,making it less likely they will come forward if anything weird does happen.
I know you mean well – I totally think your heart is in the right place – so I tell you this so you can look into it yourself & see this is NOT the way to protect them, it further plays into the hands of what a pedophiles hopes you tell your kids as it makes it easier to manipulate your kid into self blame.
Sally says
We enjoyed a LOT of sleepovers at our home with our 5 children over 20 years. But when a motherless girl we treated like our own daughter got too possesive of our daughter my daughter started blaming her dad for not letting them hang out anymore (too many chores, making her do homework or studing) and eventually my daughter broke up with her (after a 7 year friendship. This frienemy threatened to tell everyone we were molestors. She told a boy at school she liked and a girl known as the gossip girl. She went to my daughter’s friends and told them. She said my daughter was always present for these bizzare interactions and did nothing. She made up all manner of crazy situations that never occurred. She kept trying to ostracize our daughter from all the kids in her grade and in my daughters grade. My daughter lost many friends and then a few rallied around her. She never told us. But another adult heard the girls fighting about it, and one of us got arrested. Its a NIGHTMARE to be falsely accused of something. You have no idea. There is no way to defend one self. Courts don’t care about your character or the situation going on in this girl’s home which was making her emotionally bankrupt. They don’t care about the other kids who’ve been to our house and think we are awesome. We are parents of Eagle Scouts, we have raised our kids to tell us if they’re ever uncomfortable in any shape way or form with anyone. We protected our kids. We just didn’t think about protecting ourselves from liars.
mommasan says
Holy heaven Sally I am soooo sorry you went through all of that. Adolescents are highly volatile sometimes & they can carve a vicious path of destruction at times, often even when it is self destructive.
I know a family whose 14 yr old daughter was being courted by a man of 24. When they told them both to stop (and they did not) they threatened to file charges against the man. The daughter threatened to accuse the father of molestation & eventually she did (as they stood their ground. Eventually it was all sorted & all charges were dropped & she recanted – but not before ending up in foster care for a while & her dad being arrested. In the end they were all traumatized, but the damage remains. And sadly, there will always be those that think she recanted to get out of foster care rather than accept her lie was out of revenge and it amounted to being a severe tantrum over her parents holding firm on this man.
Marcia says
Love this post! We have chosen a no sleepover rule for our 5 children (8-16) from the beginning. I believe it is one of the best choices we ever made as parents!
Emily says
It seems I’m a little late to the party, but I just wanted to put my two cents in.
I’m a 17 year old girl and I happened to have a sleepover this weekend, as I do most weekends. My three best friends came over to my house around noon and we made chocolate chip cookies, then built a blanket fort on my bed while we were waiting for them to bake. After that, we worked on a presentation we had to give for physics. Once it started getting dark, we ate dinner and then we sat on my bed with our laptops out and looked through Pinterest while Netflix was on in the background. Around 1 or 2 in the morning we all passed out. Then at 10, we woke up and made pancakes.
I’ll admit that we probably didn’t have the most nutritious meals and we probably could have spent less time with screens and more time on homework or sleeping. But for crying out loud, we literally spent half the afternoon building a blanket fort! Not so we could have sex in it or be more concealed in order to secretly look at porn, but because blanket forts are awesome.
My friends and I might be an exception to the teenager rule, but my mom knows she raised me well and trusts me to make the right decisions. And I wouldn’t betray her trust, not only because I love and admire her and trust her judgement, but because I’m more focused on my education and my relationship with God than “drugs, alcohol, sex, [or] plain old mischief,” and my friends feel the same way.
Bad things can definitely happen when your kids are out of sight, but I’ve had sleepovers since I was in fourth grade and the only things that have come out of that are stronger relationships with my friends and a really killer pancake recipe.
I’m a kid myself and I haven’t been a parent yet, so I won’t claim to have enough insight on life to understand all the ins and outs of parenting, but sleepovers have always been really magical for me and I don’t think I would have as strong of a friend group as I do now if my mom had denied me these opportunities to spend time with the really great kids I know.
cristina says
Your child will encounter things outside of your control as they grow up. Allowing your 3 year old to sit at a corner on his bike while you’re too far to help him when he is in trouble is irresponsible. That was in your control and you failed. If he would have been hurt, that would have been your fault. Sleepovers aren’t evil, educate your children, teach them right from wrong and let them experience childhood. You can’t be with your kids every second of the day, you have to teach them to know when to say no and when to ask for help. You’re not safeguarding your kids by keeping them from sleepovers, your missing an opportunity to teach them to be self reliant. Your making yourself the crutch, and if they have a crutch they will never learn how to walk on their own.
Kids get molested at school, are you going to homeschool? Or are you going to prepare your child to know what to do if they are put in this situation?
Taz Kempf says
I agree with the school part but saying the mother is irresponsible for the corner/bike incident is rude and not needed in discussion.
Jessica says
Thank you for writing this! My husband and I have been trying to decide whether or not we will allow sleepovers. In our childhood, we loved having sleepovers and have very fond memories of it. But we both also encountered some more scary situations-being exposed to pornography, dad’s that lurked around in the middle of the night, and peer pressure to do things we were not comfortable with. I’m just not sure if it’s worth it or not…
roxy says
I have 2 friends that are sisters who got molested playing sardines. They were molested by a kid. It is crazy how much you have to watch out for
Kayla says
Thank you so much for writing this! I am a young mother (24) of two sweet boys; ages 1 and 3. My mother, god rest her beautiful soul, raised me and my siblings very strickly. She was called an “over protective” mother by so many and there are times she made me so mad but looking back, I thank her every day and I raise my boys the same way.
I am no stranger to the concept of child rape/molestation. My step brother, 10 years older that I, began molesting me in our home at the age of 3. It was never suspected because he was so “loving” towards me but I can personally confirm that childhood molestaton does cause life long trauma. I suffer from severe depression, have no self worth, have trust issues, and have very difficult times with relationships.
I vow that my boys will never feel the way I feel. I will do what ever it takes to keep them safe, even if it means they hate me. One day they will thank me like I did my mom
Jina G says
I agree! Great alternatives too, thanks!
Taz Kempf says
I get your point and understand your reasoning, but what part I do not understand is that all of this can happen from 0000 to 2400. Nothing increases the chance of molestation, pedophilia or bullying from day or night. I was a sleepover child who had sleepovers with just my 2 best friends. Not really anyone else. We had late night hang outs etc. But I did have a big birthday sleepover at 10 and had 9 other friends, parents all check in on this and we had a great time. I think the main thing is to know your kids friends and their parents and see what suits but day or night the risk and chances are the same.
Sally Atwater says
I get the article and I don’t don’t think any parent disagrees on dangers of things mentioned. But get real here. You can obviously let your child sleep over at a home that you know is safe and secure. Like perhaps your best friend from highschool that you’ve known all your life and who’s kids are like cousins to you. If you are saying that they can’t even sleep there then you’ve got to readdress your protectiveness. Our kids sleep there and her kids sleep here and in the process wonderful memories are created. They are 7 and the laughter and giggles created are one of the most wonderful sounds there is. Yes there are extremes to everything and no I wouldn’t let my teenager sleep out at a random home. But try and strike a balance here. If not you are really depriving your kids. Show them you trust them and you’ll be pleasantly surprised!
Vee says
I must admit I was intrigued by your article’s title and went ahead to read it, even though my son is only 2 years old and not going to any sleepovers any time soon. I don’t live in the US so it’s possible that some things are lost in translation for me, like for example how do you define a sleepover? Is it a large group of kids that sleep at one of the houses without supervision? Don’t you know all of them? Don’t you know their parents? Don’t you make sure that the parents are present?
I’ve been to dozens of sleepovers as a kid, probably as young as 8 or 9 but certainly not at a stranger’s house and not with a large group of people. We’re talking me staying over at my best friend’s house, whose parents were family friends, who was over at my house every day or I was over at hers and at those sleepovers parents were ALWAYS in the next room! We could barely raise our voices because we could easily be overheard by them when talking about boys. We couldn’t even go to the bathroom without them noticing. See what I’m getting at? No supervision was not an option AT ALL.
Now, I get that some of these horrible incidents of molestation happen by people the kids know well. But let’s be honest and realistic here, if a kid is going to be abused by someone they know (and I hope to God no child has to go through something like that ever) that could happen anywhere, at any time of the day.
You make some very good points and I can’t say I’ve made up my mind on the subject but I can’t help thinking that extreme measures cause extreme reactions. Talking to your child, explaining your reasoning, your fears and anxieties, teaching them to avoid danger from an early age means that at their teen years they are fully ready to protect themselves because you’ve taught them well and most importantly they know they can trust and talk to you if they see something bad. That’s my two cents there, and you certainly gave me some food for thought, so thank you.
Ronda says
Thank you for posting this. A great read, excellent insight.
Sophia says
What a great post, absolutely agree 100%. And your alternate ideas are great.
Anne says
I both agree and disagree. To start off, I’ll say that I’m 17, so I have never been a parent. However, I know that parents are just teenagers who have lived longer, made more mistakes, and now have a person of their own to take care of and worry about. I get it, it’s stressful. You’d give the world for your child, and you never want them to have any pain; but that’s not life! In life, we have pain, we have troubles and the only way to learn to do better next time is to go through some pain.
I agree that when children are young, they need to be sheltered and supervised. Parents need to watch over them and take care of them. However, I disagree about teenagers. You can’t control teens, no matter how much you try. Most likely, the harder you try, the more they’ll push away.
My parents have always told me how hard it is to watch their children grow up and start to make their own decisions, but all throughout our lives they have let us. Unlike so many parents who live with the mentality of getting the children safely to adulthood and then dropping them into the world, my parents have always allowed me to make my own decisions, with guidance from them, so that I actually experienced life, made mistakes and learned from them.
While some sleepovers may be dangerous, I think many are harmless and the most important thing is knowing the people whose house you will be staying at. There’s always that risk, but there are risks everywhere in life, we can’t avoid that.
As you can see, my grudge isn’t specifically against the no sleep-over rule, but about over-controlling in general.
Parents, speak to your children! Discuss everything! Tell them why you make rules, and be willing to let your children make their own decisions! There will be some things that you will outlaw because the risk is too high, but don’t let that list stretch too far, or your children will start to sneak behind your back. Wouldn’t you prefer a child who messes up and admits to it, than one who goes behind your back to do things about which don’t even consider the consequences?
Mary says
But, let me give you the opposite side of that coin, as a victim of sexual abuse by a family member I relished the opportunity to RUN from family as often as I could. There are many children who need the sanctuary of some one else. Even if it’s just for one night. I never had people sleep over at my home but when invited I would run to that home and enjoy a good night’s sleep. So please remember that the evil you fear may just be in your eyes and not really there.
Rhi says
I just let everyone stay the night at my house. Then I can watch everyone and know exactly what is going on. I also find other parents love it because they dont have to have all the squealing girls in their house. You make some very excellent points about the fears!
Candace says
My oldest daughter is 10 and we have had a no sleepover rule with a long distance grandparent exception. My concern that I’m beginning to consider is sending her off to college with having no experience being away from home. Have you had any insights about that yet? Also, what thoughts do you have about addressing overnight school trips?
Robyn Sleeper says
Yeah, lots of things can happen at sleepovers. I let some happen, but mostly I just said that my kids could have other kids sleep over at our house, because that way I KNEW my kids (and theirs) would be safe. Unfortunately I had a husband who was not supportive of my opinions and called me over-protective and pushed me to let the kids go, insisting that I was depriving my kids of learning the harder lessons in life by having some bad things happen that they had to deal with. (He was so frustrating to parent with!). Sometimes things happened that I was not happy about at all, and some things have had longer term impacts. I would encourage all parents to watch over their children more, be “over-protective”, because a concerned parent is going to teach their children better lessons than some of the bad ones they get from other homes.
Tammi @Momma's Meals says
What a powerful story. I have young ones at home, my oldest being 4.5 and very very shy. I just thought the other day she will never want to sleep at a friends house because she’s so shy…….now I’m liking your terrible, no good, very bad parents right now.
Nathalie says
It’s not always the parents, either. One of my students mentioned in passing some years ago how she had slept over at a friend’s house with her little sister, and she’d woken up to her friend kissing and touching her little sister.
Leslie says
We have the “no sleepover” rule, too, I go ahead and tell all my friends upfront so they know. One problem we are running into is how to handle Boy Scouts because of all the camping trips. We have 5 boys and my husband is just planning on accompanying them on all the camp outs, but that is a lot! Quite frankly, the thought of my boys in a tent with a bunch of other boys and no adult supervision freaks me out more than regular sleepovers. I wish there were no overnight camp outs associated with scouts, and just day camps.
S. Brown says
Ditto
Kaz says
I think you are completely right to say no nada never to sleepovers, I wish my mother did, Threw no fault of hers my mum was very naive and a young single parent who perhaps loved having some time to herself.
I went to many sleepovers and most where completely fine, safe. i came back the normal happy kid that i was.
Unfortunately when i went to a sleepover when i was 5 my friends older brother (he was around 17 at the time) ‘Played” with us. You know the game Drs and nurses. well you can guess what happened from there. I didn’t realise this was abuse, this carried on for years, Eventually we moved and i never had to see him again, but it broke me. i didn’t understand how it would effect me until my late teens, i would go to sleep overs but tell my mum i was at a girls but secretly be with at some random guys house or just walking around the street reflecting on how it was my fault that perhaps i encouraged it, To me it felt like once you are abused by one person you seem to be more and more open to others. I was lucky that i went for counseling and sorted out many of my ‘demons’ i have 2 beautiful children and a wonderful husband, We both agree that we will never ever never let our children go to sleep overs. we are pretty over protective but one day i will explain it to them and i hope they understand.
Nikki says
Just curious, when establishing the “no sleepover” rule, does this apply to family as well? If so, how did you approach the subject?
Knox says
Sad that fear has become the driver of how we raise children. No matter how close you hold them, they can slip through your fingers. Yes absolutely be responsible as you teach train and raise them, but they need to live they cannot be “guarded” from their own lives. We do not allow sleepovers yet but I will not pledge blindly that we NEVER will. There is a lot of bad in this world but rather than run from it and hide, I say, live wisely.
dixie says
I’m always happy to see parents aware of their child’s safety, but I find this a bit overboard. Yes, bad things happen. And I have to wonder – did your parents prepare you for the type of peer pressure you faced at your sixth grade party, or did they just assume you’d be fine if you left by 10 pm? And yes, there are cases of people being abused in a variety of situations, but there’s also a fear mongering response in this that just baffles me. Do you homeschool? Because taking a kiddo to school makes you not in charge, too.
I feel that this kind of overbearing approach makes kids grow up into socially challenged adults, often with anxiety issues.
Chrissi says
I think that it depends on where you live. In America crime rate is high and the risk of something happening is immense. But in somewhere like Germany? By being the all seeing eye of your kid you are also displaying distrust in them. You can’t just control their entire lives because of safety reasons. Risks need to be taken, lessons need to be learned. If you had taught your kid about not crossing the street (which I am sure you did) and repeated (!) your lecture, maybe he wouldn’t have run out into the street.
One must also take into concideration that your kid was probably really, really young, thus his judgement is impaired massively.
The better thing to do than controlling your child in every aspect of their lives and clipping their wings, is to provide an ‘escape route’. Tell your children to call you if they feel uncomfortable. Tell them you will pick them up no matter what the cause.
Bottom line is, you think you’re being a good parent and a lot of Americans think they are when they control their children, but you’re not. You’re clipping their wings and bubble-wrapping them out of, quite honestly, selfish reasons. Because YOU don’t want to deal with any possible negative outcome. Alone the phrasing of this post “in a controlled environment”….. you forget that children are people with emotions and a strong will. How would you feel if someone stepped into your life and told you how to live it, even if you know full well how to live. It’s like caging an animal and dictating their lives.
The reality is, you are exactly what you thought your parents were as a child. Prude, controlling. Is this how you want to have your kid remember you when they grow up? Have them come and say “Mom, dad, I was never allowed to do anything. And you expect me to care about you when all you ever did was clip my wings?” Have them leave the house first chance they get to escape the controlling?
Julie Marinelli says
I allow my kids, ages 8 and 10, to have sleepovers but I hate sleepovers, so I limit them. One of their friends family I know and I trust 100% but there’s another family we don’t trust so we only allow a sleepover at our house. You brought up some great points about the dangers of sleepovers. I also don’t like them because kids need adequate sleep and are always sleep deprived after a sleepover. So even if there is no molestation there’s always sleep deprivation. They’re miserable the whole next day. One of my daughter’s friends has sleepovers constantly. If they could find someone they would have a sleepover every single night that isn’t a school night. The girl’s mom just wants her out of her hair and doesn’t want to spend any time with her and doesn’t care to provide any structure for her. I am constantly the bad guy saying no to my daughter and these people. Hopefully, one day, my daughter will see that we weren’t being mean. We said no because we love her.
Richelle says
My daughter is still a little young for this to have been an issue yet – I’m so glad I read your article before it does though. And you give such cool ideas for alternatives! 🙂 Thanks for a great read.
Jules says
My best friend and I are planning a sleepover this weekend with our kids. Our moms were best friends before we were born and we’ve spent many sleepovers together throughout the years (other than relatives, she was the only friend I ever had sleepovers with till I was a teen). I know you can’t trust everyone, even if you’ve known a family for a few generations, but if I kept my kids from anything that ever harmed me, they’d have no life.
I was taken advantage of by a middle aged male massage therapist when I was a teen. That doesn’t mean that I won’t let my kids get a massage if they need it. I knew a girl who was propositioned by her dentist (who was her father’s friend). That doesn’t mean I won’t take my kids to the dentist. And there are endless stories of coaches molesting players on their teams.
I personally have never heard of it happening on sleepovers, but for now, my kids are too young to have sleepovers without me, and when they’re old enough, I’m going to make sure I know the other family VERY well. (Most likely only my best friends and her kids and possibly my sister).
Olive ( Ireland)) says
Wish I saw this article 7 yrs ago. Our neighbours and us did sleep overs all the time. Movie nights, slumber parties etc. Because they grew up together there was an age difference of 18 months between my oldest boy and their twin boys, and 4 yr difference between them and our youngest boy.. They were 14 at the time
Because they was literally only a fence between the houses, the kids could come home anytime.
This worked well if the others parents or us wanted to go out to dinner etc., we needn’t rush home, AND it saved babysitting bills.
Well, turns out my youngest boy was being sexually experimented on by their twin boys from the age of 7 to 11.
The day he told me I was sick to my core. Still am.
Needless to say the Health and Social services became involved. My poor little boy had 4 one hour interviews alone to investigate his claim. It was indeed a correct account.
My neighbours boy had to have one years treatment with a sexual counsellor , he was now deemed a sexual predator.
My husband is a parent coach,and I am a nurse. I never in my wildest dreams dreamed this could happen. Our neighbours were our friends.
Our neighbours have since moved, sold their house and moved 4 hours away to another part of Ireland.
That was 4 yrs ago.
I still cry over it. My husband and I are in counselling still.
My boy is doing good now.
I would not allow sleep overs at this age if I had my time back again- EVER.
Jennifer says
I can understand you not allowing sleepovers. However, know that your child is still just as vulnerable to sexual assault. I have a daughter (she had just turned 9) who was raped by our own 14yr old (nearly 15 yr old) nephew. Turns out he had began molesting her earlier in the summer while they were in the swimming pool. He wasn’t alone with her. He was discreet and would touch her even with everybody else there. He would even make her touch him and told her to keep secret their new special ‘hand shake’. He made sure she understood she would get in trouble for it too. Then, one day he decided to take it a bit farther. He talked her into going out to visit the neighbors dog kennels (she loves animals) and he raped her. She didn’t really understand what had happened or even have the vocabulary to explain it. She knew what he was doing in the pool was wrong and she felt uncomfortable, but she didn’t really understand what was going on or why it was wrong. It wasn’t until he hurt her and made her feel truly scared that she finally talked to me.
She is a quiet and shy girl and has never been a “tattle tail”. She likes to serve and please people. My nephew chose the most trustworthy, quietest and youngest amongst the cousins. He thought he could control her and even told the police when being interviewed that he thought she wouldn’t tell.
I homeschool our kids, we wear modest clothing, my husband and I thought we were doing everything we were suppose to do to keep our kids safe. Our nephew was raised well too. His family attends church faithfully (Sunday morn, eve & Wednesday eve) and are active members. His father, my husband’s brother, is even a deacon in their congregation. Our nephew had been raised well. He knew right from wrong! He was an honor roll student. He had received leadership awards in school. His work ethic is incredible for a kid his age and he does well managing his money. He has a steady job and had even saved up enough to purchase his own truck so he could begin driving it once he turned 15 1/2 and had his drivers permit. He’s good looking and has friends, he played sports, he even had girls his own age that had crushes on him. The whole family and our nephew was well respected in the community. He wasn’t any kind or social misfit. Nobody saw this coming. We never had a reason to even think he would harm our daughter in that way. We had even thought he was nicer to her than his sisters and our son because he just had a soft spot for her since she was the youngest and easily overwhelmed in the chaos of playing. We were all caught completely off guard.
You can never be sure of a persons hart though.
Though I hate that this happened to our family. I can see the blessings as well. This experience showed all of us that the way a person is dressed and our own gut instincts of who we think our children should be trusted with and who we shouldn’t isn’t going to keep them safe. Statistically speaking, it is immediate family members and close friends that will prey on our children. Not strangers!
The only thing that is going to keep our children safe is to arm them with knowledge. Prior to this, I had thought 8yrs old was too young to discuss sex with my child. I had scientifically let my children know where babies came from. But, I had not talked to them explicitly about their private areas. They knew that where their undershirt and underwear covered was their private space and that only us (their parents) or a doctor was allowed to see that area and only if they had been injured or there was a possible medical reason to examine that area. But, they didn’t know about people trying to place their own private parts or fingers or other object inside of their private areas or mouth. They didn’t know why somebody might try to do that. They were clueless, as most children are. And they hadn’t received much instruction as to what to do if that happened except tell a trusted adult, which my daughter finally did. Kids can’t protect themselves if they don’t even know what they need to be protected from.
Children need to be taught that if anybody tries to touch them or if a person tries to force or entice them to touch that persons private areas, they need to get away fast, scream and tell, tell, tell. Don’t just wait for a trusted adult. Tell the very next person you are able to escape to.
We no longer keep secrets at our house and we are a bunch of tattle tails. Our new philosophy is, you shouldn’t be doing anything that somebody is able to tattle on you for. We save surprises but we don’t keep secrets.
People who harm children thrive on secrecy. They manipulate and intimidate children and convince the child that they are doing something wrong. The more exposure these people receive and the harder the courts crack down on folks that commit those types of crimes, the safer our children will be. In this case it’s knowledge that is going to keep your kids safe. Not keeping them from sleepovers.
AA says
Each family needs to make their own rules but I feel like many of you need to trust that when your child sleeps at a friends house (and the friends parents are your friends too) that you need to have some faith in others. Not ALL people are bad and not ALL people do bad things. My boys often have sleepovers, they pretty much play xbox , watch movies and hang out. I am comfortable with this as are their friends parents. Too many parents these days are overly paranoid and helicopter parents. Are you planning on going to college with them ? At some point kids need to learn to do things on their own, if they are controlled all the time, they will be less successful people when they grow up.
Olivia says
I prosecute child rape and sexual abuse cases. The vast majority – almost all – sexual abuse is performed by an immediate family member such as dad, step-parents, grandfather, uncle, or brother. Maybe you don’t want to allow sleepovers and that’s fine, but that is not enough. Your kids are best served by an honest and open discussion about appropriate boundaries, making good decisions and recognizing and handling situations that are wrong or uncomfortable.
alison says
I was gonna let this slide until I saw “highschool English teacher”.
Child pornography is very real. It is out there, and with so many social media avenues to exploit them, children are more vulnerable *then* ever.
Oops!
Christina says
I agree 100% with the no sleepover policy and made this decision for our daughter before she was born. My husband didn’t agree at first, and even my parents think it’s silly, but I stand firm and my husband is now on board, thank goodness.
ANn says
If every parking lot gave me anxiety and every stranger gave me chills, I would talk to a medical professional. This kind of overwhelming, nonstop fear is not healthy for anyone, and you don’t have to suffer. Medical professionals can help with any biochemical issues and clergy can help us realize that a greater power is watching too so I can breathe and not let every situation cause me chills and anxiety. best to you
Helen says
Thank you for this article. I have to say I see both sides of the coin. I understand your stance on sleepovers and why you have made that decision. At the same time these awful things can happen anywhere.
When I was 3 I was physically abused by the woman who was running the daycare I attended. Everyday for a year I was in this woman’s home, being verbally and physically abused. And she was one of my mom’s best friends! My mom had no clue that she was a sociopath! Then growing up in school I was bullied a lot ( I was very small and skinny, an easy target). The teachers would hear and see what kids were doing and often told me to just shake it off or ignore it. They did nothing! So these things can happen anywhere. We unfortunately cannot protect our kids from these and other events. Kids bring guns to school and even play grounds now! Its crazy.
Knowing this I think the most important thing we can do is teach our children what to do in these situations. We need them to be aware that bad things can happen but that they can protect themselves and/or come to us about it. I think it is important to have a combination of these things at work. Teach our children what to do if they find themselves in a bad situation. Give them the tools they need to get out (a cell phone for emergencies for example) but also make sure we know the parents of the friends they play with. Get to know their families and situations and if it doesn’t feel right we need to be brave enough to say no. It is important to follow our instincts and to teach our children to follow theirs. The gift or fear goes a long way. At the same time, if we know they will be safe we need to allow them to live life and have fun. They are only kids for so long and then life gets really hard. We need to let them enjoy it.
L Mure says
Another thing to consider is that you never know what your own kids will do. Just because you raised them right doesn’t mean they won’t molest someone else’s kid. I’ve heard enough stories of really nice teenaged boys you would never suspect doing stuff they shouldn’t that I would not put my son in the way of temptation. The same thing goes for babysitting, not just sleepovers.
Nicole says
Nice write up. We have toddlers, so we have already discussed this and I have already, prior to your write up, put my foot down to sleep overs. My hubby is fine with this. It is not just protecting your child or others, it is also protecting the adults in the house. One wrong/false thing said by a visiting child could cause a lifetime of chaos and grief .when nothing happened. Now late parties will be okay. We also have said that any time with friends will be electronic free…no cell phones or gadgets. Kids don’t need the temptation to take stupid photo that can cause harm or hardship. Let kids be kids.
Michelle says
Thank you for this post! I’m sure there are tons of parents out there like me, who worry over their kids constantly, and have extreme anxiety about how to protect their kids in situations like these, forgetting it’s ok to say “No”. We don’t need to explain ourselves to others. A simple “No” could save our children from a lifetime of hurt.
Roma says
So relieved to know there are other parents who think like me. THank you for posting this!
Amanda says
I have to ask…what about YOU allowing sleepovers? Do u think its a double standard? Would u do it? And do u prohibit all sleepovers? Even with family? Thank u for pointing out things that r not always top of mind! It’s great to get perspective!
AC says
This is the definition of a helicopter mom convention. And I say that as a survivor of all kinds of sleepovers gone wrong, and also as a survivor of abuse. This is sad.
Amy says
Totally agree! Thanks for writing.
Sue Ann says
Wholeheartedly agree, no question about it! I have an adult daughter whom I was very protective of growing up. We didn’t allow many overnight stays away from home. There were just a couple families we trusted. Of course this was not very popular with her or the other parents who would repeatedly ask if she could come along on out of town trips and such. I stuck to my guns and listened to my gut and I am so thankful in hindsight that I did. Since my daughter graduated high school 4 years ago,, two of the girls that were in her social group all through school have confided in her that they were repeatedly sexually abused by family members. Family members that my daughter would have been in contact with had she been allowed to stay overnight at these girls homes or gone on the various out of town trips that she was invited to go on. When it comes to your kids, you can never be too careful. I also have a very dear friend whose 10 year old step daughter was sexually abused by a family member while in the care of her mother. Our children are precious gifts and should be handled with the utmost care. I would much rather be the unpopular, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad parent now than have to look back on my child’s life with regret wishing I had done things differently because they were hurt in some way when I let my guard down.
That Mom says
I had already decided not to allow my children to go to or have sleep overs but a recent event cemented that forever. My 7-year-old daughter was touched inappropriately by a babysitter. He was from a strong family in our church who we knew and trusted. He told her not to tell, but we had already taught her that it is never okay for someone to tell her to keep a secret from Mom and Dad, and if they do, it’s not lying to promise you won’t tell and then tell. So she told us she had a secret and thank goodness it came out that very day. The counselors at the crisis center were amazed. They said kids almost never tell until months or YEARS later.
Please tell your kids that no one is allowed to tell them to keep secrets from their parents! That no one is allowed to touch them where their swimming suit covers! That no one is allowed to be on their bed except them! (That last one wasn’t a rule before because it never occurred to us that it needed to be. But now even siblings and cousins are not allowed on someone’s bed.)
Sweety says
I agree with this. I went to a sleepover when I was a pre-teen, and the other girls and I were in a bedroom, taking our clothes off and feeling each other’s “parts’. I am glad things weren’t worse. I wouldn’t let a child of mine sleep over anyone’s house. I do wish that parents would just stop throwing these parties, to make things easier for those who would rather opt out.
Stacey* says
Thank you so much for posting this article. I have a 5 month old daughter and I’ve already been wondering how I am going to say no to sleepovers.
I am the reason I will say no to sleepovers. When I was 11 years old, I was at a sleepover with the two girls I played with in our neighborhood. I did not realize that day would change my life in a negative way and impact me. I was sexually abused by my friends mom’s boyfriend. My parents trusted these people ( my mom had a gut feeling and didn’t want me going to the sleepover but my dad said she was being paranoid). It was the scariest thing ever and I felt so helpless. I wish I was brave enough to call 911 at the time. I went home the next day and was so confused. Did it actually happen? If I tell someone – will they believe me? I waited 3 years before I told an adult. Apparently my parents filed a report but that never actually happened. Now I deal with the aftermath of being an anxious person. I always think the worst and have trouble trusting people. There is a lot more to this story but I’ve since reported it as a way to help me deal with it and can’t say too much. It’s been 20 years since this has happened and not a day goes by that it hasn’t affected me in some way.
So no… You are not a terrible no good parent. I wish my mother would have listened to her gut and that my father would have believed her. I also wish my parents would have filed a police report. It makes me feel as though they didn’t believe me. I’m sure I told them at the time not to file a report because I was too scared… But for my sake… I wish they would have.
Children are sacred and their safety are not worth it.
* Made up name
Katie says
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like it’s been so tough. Hugs sent your way. xoxo
Nicolette says
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing.
Nim says
I’m 18 and not allowed a sleepover. It’s incredibly upsetting for me – I understand that parents will want to protect their child when they are younger but I wouldn’t really say that me being 18 is considered a child. I know what’s bad and good and am not the type of person who will be hazed about what to do or not do. I’m not someone who succumbs to peer pressure or who gets excited with the prospect of drinking. So why do my parents still not allow me to go out with friends? It is completely insane in my opinion. It’s not only sleepovers, but also simple going out with friends. I only ask to go out with my friends very rarely since I know that it’s probably not worth asking but those rare occasions of me pleading will come face to face with a strong NO every single time.
Am I really being a child who is not being understanding of her parents’ wishes or am I being right about this.
Also my 12 year old brother is allowed to all these things whereas I cannot. I say that regardless of sex, boys and girls are equally prone to dangers – not girls more than boys. This is the 21st century and I find it absolutely incredulous with the fact that I cannot do a simple thing such as a girls’ sleepover.
What do you guys think?
Mandy says
I was all ready to argue and disagree with you and then you won me over. I never thought of sleep overs from this perspective. You made several good points. I’m just glad I read this article before my children are old enough to have sleep overs.
Beth Ann (Hank's NaNa) says
My kiddos are grown and I am grandma to an amazing 10 month old, but I was a horrible, no good, very bad parent. No sleepovers, though we did many fun late night events. Going against the grain is safer. (And there is a lot less “crabby” the following day.)
Christi says
I agree completely. My two brothers both have 2 daughters apiece and this goes for them also. My oldest brothers girls are now 17 and 20 and they used to have late night movie, skating, popcorn parties. My sister in law stayed up with them the entire time. And my brother stayed at his in laws so their was no male in the house. Their parents were welcome to stay and then went home around midnight. The girls all hate not staying at their friends but they never have and they still live. Oh and the whole parent winking and leaving thing ticks me off so bad. I know it happens. I have a son, when he was 16 he was dating a 15 yo girl and I talked to her parents, we arent stupid we know if they are determined to do something they will do it, but we were going to keep as close and eye as possible and they were allowed to be together except at their house or ours. She got pregnant, had a miscarriage later, but still. I went crazy, how did this happen, my son tells me well when we go to her house her parents go to the garage for an hour or two to excersise So we did it then. I hate stupid, oh and her mom was furious, I am like what did you expect.
Ken says
Articles like this make me glad I don’t have children. Your concerns are definitely real, but to someone who is not a parent, this article reads like fear-mongering. It advocates for a kind of parental hyper-vigilance against all conceivable threats, which seems to include all neighbors, all adults in the child’s life (other than their parents), and all of the child’s friends. The child is being implicitly taught that they must be suspicious of everyone outside the nuclear family.
This article spreads fear because it fails to quantify the risks, and therefore doesn’t provide parents with any rational basis to make decisions about their child’s safety.
It also never mentions the parent’s responsibility to get to know their neighbors, and build a circle of trust among other parents. Parenting is hard, but it is harder still if the parents must assume all of the responsibility for their children alone and by themselves.
This article is more evidence that the old child-rearing adage of “It takes a village” is increasingly being replaced with “trust no one in the village”.
Lisa says
Absolutely agree!
I remember a lot of really stupid things happening, when I would sleep over at someone’s house…. including sexual abuse, or watching in appropriate movies. It Is NOT worth it! Will not be happening!
Linda Fredrickson says
Our daughter wanted to go to a sleepover when she was 12 and we knew the family so we adamantly refused. She found out the next day that the parents had friends in for a drinking party while the girls were in the house. When the parents went to bed, the girls went out, in their nightclothes, at 1 a.m. to find an ATM machine so they could buy treats at the corner store. They walked about a mile in total and were gone about an hour. The parents never knew. Our daughter was shocked. She couldn’t believe her friends were so stupid and certainly figured out in a hurry why we refused to let her go.
Casey says
I have two young boys and had yet to think about this, but it has been eye opening and made me think back to a particular sleep over where an older brother made me feel very uncomfortable while no one was around. I think you’re alternatives are good ideas, but don’t you think the same things can happen to your kids before 10 pm? Even if it’s a supervised play date who’s to say the porn and dirty jokes can’t all happen before everyone leaves? The examples you shared of the trusted people who molested kids, don’t you think that can still happen? If you take your kids to a friend’s for a supervised, late night play date what if that parent is one of those ‘trusted’ community members that turns out not so trustworthy. I just think all the same things that can happen at a sleepover can happen at all of your alternatives as well. Would love to hear your feedback on that.
Maggie Bacher says
i am with you on this one. my kids have a no sleep over rule as well. they go to parties and call when the kids go to bed or they are ready to go home. midnight latest for my teen. i awoke one night to find a friend was missing during a sleepover. she was back the next morning . . .later other facts came out. no sleepovers for us.
Bindhya says
That’s really an eye opener for me! Very nice article. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.. ❤️
Charity says
I hosted a sleepover for my oldest daughter’s 12th birthday. My husband and two boys were gone during the sleepover. They had a “Guy’s night out.” There was one young girl that attended the party but was picked up around 10:30, while we were finishing up our last game and right before the girls all got a movie ready for bedtime. No one, including me, judged her for leaving early. I am very hesitant to allow my kids to sleep over anywhere, even though I did allow my daughter’s friends to come for the night. She has only ever spent the night at one of her friend’s houses and very rarely. I love the alternatives to “sleepovers” in this article and look forward to incorporating them in the future! Thank you so much!
Marien says
This is just selfish. Yes, terrible things can happen at sleepovers, they can also happen on school trips, at amusement parks, at the beach, hiking, walking home from school, in your own back yard!!! It’s so freaking hard being a parent but it’s even worse being a kid growing up with an over protective parent and missing out of some of childhood’s best moments.
Some of my best memories, and my deepest friendships, we’re formed at sleepovers. And my husband, who had very strict Haitian parents who never allowed sleepovers, is always so jealous and sad about missing out on those things.
She should let her child be a child, do a background check on the family and neighbors, and just sit home praying profusely like the rest of us.
Amanda Shaw says
I was going to say a lot more personal things BUT because I know there are a lot of judgmental jerks on the internet I’m just going to say that I agree with you 100% because of those personal things I am not going to get into. Not every parent HAS to do the sleepover thing. And everyone has the right to those reasons. ?
Jewel Eliese says
Terrifying! I don’t know why I never thought of sleepovers this way, but how true. I will need think about this now.
Great article. I love how you gave us some actually fun options to sleepovers.
Thanks!
Jenny says
Honestly this post makes me sad. Sad that this is where our minds HAVE to go when children are involved.
I can’t help but think though that your parents instilled this fear in you and now you do the same to your children. These things obviously happen and the thought that it could happen to one of your babies is a fear that cannot be matched by any other! But in my personal opinion showing our kids how much we are afraid all the time only makes them afraid…. This is where the whole bubble wrapped children dilemma comes into play. Our kids need to live atleast parts of their childhood without fear. Telling your daughter she can’t sleepover because her best friends dad or brother might rape her, to always have a fear of being raped or other horrible action happening when being outside of your home it’s not how I would personally want my children to feel. Not to assume that you sit at home and tell your child all the ways they will be raped or harmed constantly I’m sure your are not that extreme!! But with 4 kids of my own I know how easily they can become ridiculously afraid of something (my youngest is terrified of tornados we’ve NEVER had a tornado just a couple warnings! That was all it took to terrify her though)
Don’t get me wrong ( please , no offence intended here) I get your fear I constantly fear for my children …. But rather then let my fear restrict things from them I discuss with them what dangers can happen and what they should do. Different discussions at different ages. Sleepovers for example were restricted until a certain age. It was explained once you reach this age you can have sleepovers because…. etc etc. My oldest daughter is now allowed to have them and she loves them. she takes a cell phone with her that she keeps with her if for any reason she feels unsafe or uncomfortable she knows no matter what time she can text or call me and I will be there. She knows if she doesn’t feel well to call me and not to take any medication from the parents and they know that is my STRICT rule as well. I still say no to some, if I’ve never met the parents no way. If I don’t feel right around the parents no way. But I am also confident the discussions Ive had with her and the education I’ve given her, she knows what to do if things aren’t ok.
I want them to be smart about their own safety to be able to make safe judgements for themselves because one day their safety is going to be 100% their own responsibility, I believe they need to learn this way because mom and dad aren’t always going to be there to make their safety decisions for them and learning to do it for themselves can not start that late in life
Maureen says
I certainly support any parent who does not want their child to attend a sleepover, but this article seems to be more about loss of control and perceived danger than the actual risk of danger.
My son has had a couple of sleepovers in the past, but there have been other sleepovers that I refused to allow. Either there was something about the kid, the parent(s), or the siblings that I found unsettling. However, instead of outlawing sleepovers, I explained to my son my concerns. I then encouraged my son to tell me if he saw any behavior from that child or other friends that concerned him. I opened a dialogue and encourage my son to develop his own intuition.
After every play date, I privately ask my son if he felt safe at his friend’s house. I never ask him if he behaved because this might encourage him to hid concerning behavior from me. I also never ask the friend’s parents how my son behaved because I don’t want my son to think I value other adults’ opinions above his.
I need my son to be my ally when it comes to keeping him safe. That means I have to help him develop his people skills, his safety skills, his intuition. If a sleepover makes me nervous, I need to figure out the root of the feeling. If the root of the feeling is my fear of losing control, then I have to ask myself if that is really in my child’s best interest.
Kat says
My biggest fear with allowing my child at a house of someone I don’t know is unsecured guns. Way more than molestation or rape or drug use. I urge all parents to find out not just if your friends parents have guns but exactly how they store them. Kids are curious and even those who grow up around them and know the safety rules can be unsafe or a victim. So for any parent with whom we allow sleepovers we have had long term discussions on this issue – and also I do trust my friends with whom I allow sleepovers with my boys.
Aarti says
Thank you for your time and all this information best of luck to you all. Have a blessed and safe day ?
CindyB says
Very interesting read and glad to know that I’m not the only mother who feels this way. People might think I’m weird but I’ve never even had a babysitter because I know that I can’t rely on anyone. I’ve left my child (when she was just over 2 years old) with somebody I trusted (upon THEIR insistence) and I didn’t leave the property….she just took my daughter to another part of the property. Within 5 minutes my daughter came crying in pain….her face red and tears streaming down. She held out her hand – she had a huge blister from a burn on her finger 🙁 Another time a relative asked if she could take my daughter to greet her son. I agreed and handed my 3-year-old over. When I asked where my child was (about 10 min later) I was told “I don’t know”. I FREAKED OUT! I cursed my way around the house and yard until I found my child. The gates were closed but not locked. She could have wandered into the street 🙁 OK these are not sleepover or abuse instances but I’m just trying to explain why I cannot trust anyone for even a few minutes with my child. I tried – I REAAAALLY did and every time it went wrong. I’m not willing to take that risk again and I will most certainly NEVER run the risk of a sleepover. I love my child too much.
Kathy says
I see why you would feel sleepovers are bad, but seeing as to how you’ve never had one as a child means you dont know how absolutely fun they are. Its an experience you cant quite get using alternatives.
In addition, you can’t guard your kids from the world. There are dangers in everything and it would be and endless battle protect yourself and your kids from it all. If you shield them from the harsh realities of the world too much they’ll become unhappy with the world they live in later on. They need to learn to accept the world the way it is or they could become depressed or miserable.
Also when you try to control your children too much, they will resent you even if they love you. I know from experience that kids of controlling parents become rebellious sometimes more than kids with less controlling parents. Later on when they discover their voice and opinions many times kids will completely shun their parents. They no longer see them as their parents because of the way they treated them. Im not saying its always this extreme. It may not seem like to you that they would feel like this but imagine it from their standpoint honestly and unbiased as their parent. You have to let them explore the world for themselves. Learn for themselves. The things you try to protect them from like jokes, video games and cyberbullying are inevitable. The only way to truly prevent cyberbullying is to not ket them have electronic devices but even then theres a chance. With the way the world is headed in technology you wont be able to prevent it for long. And by not having smart phone or laptop it only further adds to the resentment and stolen experiences.
The important thing is that when they go through hard times like bullying, or even something as traumatic as being molested, that you teach them how to deal with those things and overcome it. In order to do that they have to trust you to tell them things, which is more difficult when you’ve not allowed them to join society. They will be stronger for it.
Osha says
If you’re so afraid that something terrible might happen to your children, then you might as well forbid them from stepping out of the house until they’re 40. Kids need to get out of their comfort zone. And horrible things like molestation are as likely to happen in school, church, and in the family itself as in a slumber party.
Wendy says
We are also against sleep-overs, and I’m so glad to hear we’re not alone! I am currently being faced with this and this helps me stand firm. My 7yr old daughter’s bestie invited her over. Her mom and I are good friends. The answer is still no. It’s a tough one. Thank you for the support! 🙂
Danni says
Hi Nicolette would you allow children to sleep at your house instead? That way they still can have a friend over and you are in control of what goes on?
My oldest is only 5 so sleep overs aren’t on the cards just yet.
parentsupporthub.com says
More and more parents today are having second thoughts about allowing their children to attend or host sleepovers. No, that’s not true. Parents of school-age children are putting their foot down and saying “No” to such events…and here’s why.
It turns out that most of the sleepovers they participated in weren’t nearly as innocent and benign as the ones their parents (that includes me) enjoyed. It turns out that their sleepover memories include being exposed to porn, being pressured into doing things they knew were wrong and weren’t comfortable with, being bullied, being left unsupervised and unchaperoned or being left in the care of irresponsible siblings, and being bullied or even sexually molested.
Kassy says
I am glad i found this article here. I am feeling terrible but..let me explain… My child has a classmate. She is one year older. She has a teenager big sister. She has some kind of experience “of life” my daughter does not have. My daughter is a C.H.I.L.D and this classmate has adult content experience.
She knows some themes not too appropriate for their age. This girls follows that kind of “mean girls club”. She causes trouble to everybody at school. If a child does not “obey” her she will manipulate the situation to put the other kid in trouble. She is mean to my daughter.
I volunteered at the school and I discover this shady world other parents do not realize. And I discovered this trouble-girl has a DISGUSTING mother and a kind of aggressive-looking for status dad. This mother never ever look at me. Never told me one single good word. A kind of person extremely selfish and rude. Kind of people that only think about take advantage of others. Rude. Awful woman.
The daughter is a kind of robot for her mother. A robot that will follow her directions for bad. I believe she is the one that teaches her daughter to be so manipulative and destroys other kids reputation. This is the goal on their minds. Of course I feel for the girl but I am very scared if her influence around my daughter.
Other kids that live very close to this family relate she goes to their houses without being invited and just SCAN the whole house looking for “something”. Nosy. Very nosy about what other people have. It is very funny, right?
So…her mother discovered I live near. And she wants to be “free”. And she wants to send her daughter to my home IN THE EVENING when I am completely exhausted and have many thing to do and my daughter too. The mother want free babysitter. And this mother despised me.
Now I am avoiding the girl to come over. The mother is so crazy for a date night that is able to send the girl walking to my home. It is near but not too close. There is hills and curves and dangerous spots for a girl to cross. Can’t you imagine this? All the neighbors with kids in the street do not want the trouble. Now she is tying me because her daughter is my daughter’s classmate. And my daughter is the only one that still plays with her. But …for what I know….I see trouble ahead.
Am I ugly trying to avoid the child come to my home for evenings and very possible to sleepover for the “beautiful” mother go out since the mother is a b…….?
Danielle says
I know you wrote this a long time ago… I found it when I was wondering why a friend of my daughters never listens when we tell her something. Her mom is always dropping her off to stay the day and night so that she can get stuff done. She will keep mine for a night or two as well, after I keep hers. I guess I am coming at this from another point in that I don’t want kids staying at my house who don’t mind or try and follow our rules. She seriously asked once why I don’t allow my 12 and 10 year olds to curse. My 16 year old told her today not to stand on the couch today and she wanted to know why. I have a basically special needs 10 year old. He can have meltdowns and get violent at times. I know most of his triggers and we try and avoid those. One is play fighting or rough housing. They are NOT allowed. I was in the kitchen and heard them talking about fighting and she had taken karate. I hollered no play fighting. (she has been told before). I come out, tell them that there is no play fighting allowed. We don’t do that here. They say ok. I go back into the kitchen (I had food cooking) only to have to run back a couple of minutes later to her in a fighting stance, just kick him, saying it was dance moves. Him screaming about being kicked and what they were doing. Then he got angry and I had to restrain him. My 16 year old had to turn everything off in the kitchen. These episodes can take an hour or so to resolve with him. He was exhausted after and took a nap. With her telling me that her mom is afraid that my son is going to hurt her. I have to tell her every time that other people in the house have to get up at 6am, they are asleep my 9:30 and she needs to be quiet. Seems she takes this as a “after 9:30 I need to make as much noise as possible and get all of the dogs worked up by playing with them”. Also the time they came screaming out of the bedroom at 1am having a pillow fight. (I was up in the living room, I don’t sleep until they do, but it woke my husband up and he told them to go to bed) So multiple reminders to be quiet, others are sleeping, no playing with the dogs so late. (Oh, and I have a loveseat in the middle of my living room, she didn’t see me standing behind her when she started poking one of the dogs next to her (hard) I…DONT….LIKE…YOU… Poor baby just stayed on the spot next to her. She looked up and seen me and started petting it.) She also thinks that it shouldn’t be allowed for the dogs to look at her while she eats? They are sitting in the floor looking at her. Not touching her or whining or anything. Just sitting. (She has two dogs at her house?) I now have to figure a way to tell her that her child is too much and no more sleepovers. I think she will understand. The kid left a bottle of over the counter allergy medication here one day. Said her mom gives it to her to sleep every night and the doctor prescribed it?
Sara says
I don’t have children, and do not currently plan on having any, but I have many nieces and nephews whom I adore. (They are all between the ages of 5 and 14). I fully respect your choice to raise your children however you see fit. I guess I just don’t fully understand how not allowing children to attend sleepovers (specifically) protects them from sexual abuse. I think one fact we can all agree on is that predators are very manipulative, and can think on a level that is completely foreign to non-predators.
The reality is that sexual abuse can happen at the after school play date, the study session, field trips, etc… The only fool-proof way of preventing this from happening to children is to never let them out of your sight. Are people never going to let their children hang out or play at a friend’s house? Are they not going to let their children go on field trips, or participate in after school activities that may be supervised by other parents? Maybe, but it seems a bit extreme.
I agree with some of the other readers who mentioned that the best way to prevent this situation is to educate children on what is right and wrong. Let them know they can let you know straight away if something is not right.
One last note: my sympathies to the readers in this section who have been sexually abused and/or know someone who has. I sincerely hope that you have gotten help and have healed.
Sally says
I respect and honor the opinions of the women on this site. I have to say, as a 51 year old woman with an 11 year old daughter, that I don’t agree with this. I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed at sleepovers, and I wasn’t allowed to have them. It was excruciating. There is a real “rite of passage” that you miss when you don’t experience this. I understand and respect the danger issues. I also know that danger can meet your children at any hour of any day. My daughter has a cell phone when she is at a friend’s house, and she knows what is reasonable interaction with parents/siblings and what isn’t. I do everything in my power to protect her and preview the situation, and she is prepared properly. I refuse to allow the sickness of a few individuals to prevent my daughter from experiencing one of the great pleasures of childhood. As the writer of the article said, her fear was experienced on a sidewalk corner, with him in hear sights. Bad crap happens all the time. We love and cherish our kids. We protect them to our best ability. Some of us will keep them more restricted than others. I get it. I just know, from experience, that coming from a place of fear, as my parents did, really diminished my childhood.
ella gamberi says
Every parent has the right to make choices for their children. I am sorry you felt your childhood wasn’t what it could have been. But sometimes the grass looks greener when in fact it turns out it is just astroturf. In the sixties and seventies life was completely different and there were only a few sick individuals. Now society is being run by them. You are right, bad crap does happen all the time. But its also true that every parent is aware of this and that is what drives a lot of them to choose to say no to sleepovers.
Your parents were scared enough that they curtailed your sleepover rite of passage. Which in the early seventies was probably pretty annoying for you. Nowadays, it is not a rite of passage, it is a very reasonable cause of concern.
Better a diminished childhood than a damaged one. I doubt your lack of sleepovers has given you flashbacks, nightmares, inability to trust, shame, panic attacks and self-hatred so deep you want to kill yourself.
Astrogal says
I have a no sleepover rule for our daughter (12 years old) also. She is whip-smart and mature for her age, I trust she will do the right thing and can stand up for herself. What I DON’T trust are the OTHER people involved, whether it be the grown-ups that are supposed to be supervising the sleepover or even the other kids. Being molested or worse is of course my worst fear, but there are so many other negative things that can happen at sleepovers…watching porn, inappropriate movies, posting inappropriate or dangerous things (such as their name and location) on social media…all things that curious young girls and boys would not hesitate to do when unsupervised. As someone stated, not allowing your kid to go to a sleepover won’t traumatize them, but what could happen there can! Why risk it? Yes, you can’t protect them from everything and bad things can happen anywhere, but having read the high risk that sleepovers in particular entail, why not at least protect them from that risk? My daughter says her friends think I’m too strict and “mean”…that makes me smile and proud. I told her at least she has a good excuse to get out of things that she doesn’t really want to do, say her mom won’t let her because she is so mean and overprotective. She was recently invited to a sleepover and didn’t go, she ended up being happy about it because the girls ended up doing stupid dares like eating dried worms (these are 11 and 12 year olds). My mom was the same with me, even more overprotective than I am, and of course as a child I hated it but now I am thankful because I never experienced anything dangerous or traumatizing in my life and especially not when I was a vulnerable child. I was never abused by anyone, never experienced sexual assault, never gotten drunk, never taken drugs…if those are the experiences we need to go through to have a life then I am happy in my little sheltered and safe world thank you very much.
AC says
I don’t allow my child to sleep over others home ,but I do allow sleep overs at my home. There is something comforting about knowing where she is, being able to limit/control who is invited, monitor activities, etc.
Mar says
My husband and I are in full agreement! We call them SLEEP UNDERS! And the parents and kids LOVE them! Including late swimming with pool lights and glow sticks with categories for jumping in contests. We also ALWAYS extend an invite to the parents so we can all hang out in a separate area/ lanai and have some apps and laughs ourselves. Everyone gets a kick out of it and next time we might have late night breakfast pancakes in their pjs :). I am also very picky about posting pics and have not been able to post a bunch bc kids wearing bathing suits etc so sometimes the party memories stay just that- memories 😄
Allison Gillmore says
Love this! Thank you 😊
Nancy says
With most kids having electronics access 24/7, I think some of the worries about inappropriate viewing can happen literally anywhere. And as far as molestation issues, they can also happen at any time of the day, whenever your child is not immediately with you. What if you let your 10 and 12 year olds go down to the park and there are older kids there that talk them into engaging in sexual activity or any other activity that would not be appropriate? While there are these stories about terrible things happening at sleepovers, how many 10s of thousands of sleepovers are there each weekend where nothing bad does happen? For me, not allowing a sleepover would be like not allowing my child to ice skate or ride a bike because she might get hurt.
Cherie says
As a victim of child tampering at a sleepover, I have the NO SLEEPOVER RULE to my 3 kids. It gets harder as they get older, now 10, 12 & 14. However there comes a point they stop asking, as they are tired of the same answer, no! I can’t bring myself to tell them why, and what happened to me, but it states with me every day. As a mum I wake up every day thanking the stars that nothing terrible has happened to my babies yet, therefore I am doing a good job ! Every.single.day.
Allison Gillmore says
Fantastic read, it really opened my eyes to the situation. My daughter is 3 and asking about sleep overs already. I think we’ll adopt the no sleep over policy! I got into a lot of trouble and inappropriate and dangerous behavior as a teenager at sleep overs. Lots of bullying at sleep overs before I hit teen years. I’ll skip all of the with my little ones and just say no way. Thank you so much!!
Luna says
I’m not a parent but I don’t agree with you. Yes, I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent but I do know one thing.
Parents aren’t supposed to protect them forever. They are supposed to prepare their children for the rest of the world.
Let’s see, if you give your child all of your money, are you really helping them? No. When they run out of money how do they make more? They don’t. You only gave them the money not how to make more.
So, sleepovers. You’re saying you don’t want them to go to sleepovers because you want to protect them? Well you can’t protect them forever. One day they are going to grow up and live in their own homes or apartments by themselves and what are you going to do about it? Nothing, you can’t do anything about it. Not only that your children will not what to do because they have never slept a night without you guys. What will he or she do then? She or he won’t know what to do because you guys have never let them sleep away from home or have any skills on being independent. Parenting is about preparing your kids for the future, not to keep them by your sides forever.
Robert says
Everyone raises their children differently and make different choices. I raised seven children and all of them had many sleepovers with no issues. What I did initially for all my kids was make sure all sleepovers were at our home, where I could monitor them, get to know their friends and their friends parents. When they became teens I would only allow sleepovers at friend’s homes that I approved of and whose parents I knew well. Additionally, I made sure my teens were cognizant of possible perils and how to handle them if they arose. I worked hard to make my home welcoming and was rewarded as my children always seemed to prefer hosting friends over going to someone else’s home. I rarely told my kids that I didn’t like one of their friends, instead steering them away from those I had concerns about through my power to say yes or no whenever a child requested to host a friend at our home, either for a few hours or overnight.
Danielle Ganje says
I came across your post as I was looking for more information. My question is: Does this policy apply to things like a sleep-away camp as well?
As a youth program coordinator, I help coordinate and facilitate overnight events (like camps, leadership retreats/training, etc.) I recently had a parent inform me of a similar policy they have. As a youth development professional, my concern is that their ability to make close relationship bonds outside the home could be impacted by such a policy. For example, right now I am getting ready to train a group of high school camp counselors, it is an overnight training. We deliver content until 11:30 p.m. and make use of every minute we have with the team. We then allow them freetime until lights out where they can connect and build relationships with the other youth staff. It really helps bring everyone a sense of unity and belonging. Without that shared experience, we would not get the desired outcomes.
As a parent, I understand the desire to keep our kids safe and protect them at any cost. Where I struggle, is the desire as well to equip them with all the necessary tools needed in life. Research shows that sleep-away camps provide soo many life skills and benefits. I wouldn’t want a personal fear to get in the way of that. My plan for my kids is to only allow sleepovers with parents I know well. My daughter is young, but next weekend we are doing a joint sleepover with big girls (moms) and the little girls. Everyone is looking forward to it. As my kids get older I look forward to giving them opportunities for independence and development outside the home (within reason).
Amy says
Everyone has good points! Very confusing. Part of me agrees we must prepare our kids to be independent and able to go to college some day and fend for themselves. Another part of me thinks sleepovers aren’t necessary and could have negative consequences. The more I get to know people on a deeper level (lots of things are kept hidden), the more I realize that we don’t all share the same values and certain things might be allowed that I wouldn’t agree with. During the day it seems that most activities are within reason and playdates tend to be shorter. Also, it’s really uncomfortable to say yes to one family and no to another if you are seeing red flags. I think by the time my kids need to sleep away from home, I will feel they are mature enough to handle more. We’ll have had many conversations and better educated on the world around them through home and school . But I don’t think tweens and most early teens are there yet. We didn’t have sleepovers, only family trips with other families. My two cents.
Clarice A. says
Our daughter is 13 and has several close friends which we know and they have slept over a few times.Last weekend,the daughter went to a sleepover at another friends house,with three other girls.The friend is in puberty and bedwetting because of it.She wears cloth diapers and plastic pants[rubberpants] to bed everynight.Later on saturday night,the daughter called me and told me they are having pizza and that she needed some money to help pay for it.I took some money over to the house and was very surprised to see the daughter and the three other girls all with diapers and rubberpants on as well as the bedwetting friend! I asked the daughter why they were wearing the diapers and rubberpants and she told me that they were wearing them to support their friend,so she wouldn’t be the odd girl out! I couldn’t believe the daughter and the three other girls could do something like that.