Every family has its quirks. For example, growing up, whenever my frugal father got a hole in his sock, he’d simply rotate it 45 degrees to the right. Voila! he’d say. You’ve got yourself a practically new sock right there.

For my friend Goldie, life is full of quirks. Like the fact that she packs a deep fryer anytime they go on a family trip. It doesn’t even phase her anymore. “It’s just what I do,” she says. “Pack a deep fryer.” And your quizzical glance as you pass their family van (toting four kids and a deep fryer) wouldn’t phase her either. Goldie and other moms like her are very used to quizzical glances.

Children with Autism

To clarify, Goldie’s 9-year-old son Jax has autism. He eats only homemade French fries and if their house smells like a McDonalds that’s because Goldie is churning out French fries like a boss. She even packs the deep fryer to-go so that Jax can have all-you-can-eat fries when they’re in unfamiliar terrain.

Jax is a handsome little guy with bright blue eyes and blond hair. He was officially diagnosed with autism when he was 4 years old, although his parents knew something was off when he was around 18 months old. One of Jax’s many quirks is that he only wears swimsuits. If you saw him on a playground, you’d think he was just like any other kid, except he’d be wearing a swimsuit. Even in the middle of winter.According to the CDC, autism affects 1 in 68 individuals under 21 living in the United States. There’s a good chance that you either know or have come in contact with someone on the autism spectrum.

After college, I worked closely with autistic children in a developmental therapy center. Later, I taught high school teenagers with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) in my English classroom. And over the years, I have made friends with moms of autistic children and  witnessed the frustrations that come with having autistic children and also the joys.

{Jax with his aide Tracy}

Misunderstanding, Judgment, and Fear

One observation I’ve made that saddens me greatly is the general misunderstanding, judgement, or even fear that we sometimes give autistic children and their parents.

Autistic children are unpredictable. In fact, there’s a saying that goes: If you know one autistic child, you know one autistic child. Autism affects each individually differently. Children with autism are sometimes loud in public. They may throw a tantrum or try to bolt in a grocery store. An autistic child may flap their hands or rock and sway. He or she may do things that you would normally discipline your own children for, things like switching the lights on and off, taking other people’s ice cream cones, or not listening to directions.

Whenever we see children acting out in public like this, we judge them. Worse, we judge their parents.

For Goldie and other moms like her, that’s what stings the most.

Goldie and Jax have been asked to leave a public park, told to vacate a fast food restaurant, and have been threatened with calls to Child Protective Services. To the ignorant eye, Jax and other autistic children are sometimes erratic. They climb on tables at restaurants and jump into decorative fountains in parks. They open bags of chips in the store and eat them before paying. 

One time during his brother’s baseball practice, Jax walked up to a woman with a water bottle. Because it was hot and he was thirsty, Jax took the woman’s water and drank it. The woman was livid. With no conversation skills or social cues (a common trait of persons with ASD), Jax was simply meeting a basic need. In his mind he was thirsty and saw a drink, nothing to be sorry for. But because Jax looks like a normal kid, the woman lashed out in judgement. What kind of parent lets their child do that? 

Doing Our Best

For moms like Goldie, they are either fighting fires or trying to prevent them all day, everyday. They give up movie theaters and sit-down restaurants because those settings might as well be torture chambers. They make homemade French fries for every meal, even when traveling and buy seven different swim suits so their child can have a clean one for each day of the week.

Being a parent of autistic children is all about choosing your battles.

Parenting children with autism is hard and it is draining. No one signs up for it, but both parents and their autistic kids are doing their very best. Every day brings a new learning curve. As bystanders, being more understanding is the very least we can do, being helpful is even better, and being loving is the absolute best gift we can give autistic children and their parents.

Instead of quizzical glances, give a smile. Instead of judgment, give a kind word of encouragement. And instead of fear, adopt the mindset: Don’t worry, I’m not afraid of your autistic child. 

Because life is less about differences and more about similarities and because there are plenty of water bottles to go around and plenty of people to share them with. As for Jax—every day gets better. Goldie is hopeful that one day he’ll even be able to make his own French fries.