When you know you are done having children.
When you know you are done having children. Today marks the bittersweet end of an era. Today, I’m closing a chapter in my life that has lasted six years and yielded me four precious little beings–little bodies that I harbored safely within my own for a combined 160 weeks. Perfect little people that share my eyes, their dad’s nose, and have brought me joy beyond compare.
Today I’m saying goodbye to my sweet babies.
Forgive me as I try to adequately voice a topic that has weighed so heavily on my mind for many months now: accepting the decision that you are done having children.
No one ever told me that the decision to stop having children would be just as significant as the decision to start having them. No one warned me about how difficult it would be to let go, or about the emotions that come in waves, bathing me in relief, then uncertainty, elation, then nostalgia. Although I know it is time, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m leaving behind something so precious, so innocent—something I will never hold in my arms again.
So today, for my babies, and for yours, I write a goodbye letter. One you can read in the quiet moments between dusk and daylight. One you can read to your babies while they sleep, or to your busy toddlers in the rare moments they will sit quietly in your lap. Read it when your teens are late for curfew and you are worried sick because you love them so much. Read it on your daughter’s wedding day, or your son’s deployment. Read it on the day they leave the house and you are left with only the quiet memory of their tiny bodies nestled safely in your arms. Because no matter how big they get, no matter where they go, they will always and forever be our babies.
To My Dear, Sweet Babies,
I remember the day you were born so clearly. I peeked into heaven and there you were. Your lips parted, nose twitched, eyes opened for the first time, searching for me. Your mommy. I gazed deep into them and realized, I knew you all along. Your body so tiny, yet so strong, wiggled to get to me. They laid you gently in my arms and time stopped, the ground beneath me shifted, and my entire life changed.
My heart opened wide to let you in. One thing I am certain of: I will love you forever.
That first night at home with you, I rocked you to sleep, in the wee hours of night when the house was silent and the moonlight glistened off your soft skin. You fit perfectly in the crook of my neck and I drank in your angelic baby smell and nuzzled my nose against your soft little ear lobe.
I want you to know I was there for you, all through those nights, when you were scared of your new place, or when your tummy hurt, or when you needed someone to talk to. I fell asleep on the floor by your crib so many times, just making sure you were breathing.
Even as you slept, you kept growing. I begged time to stand still, or at least slow down, but it could not. Time told me to treasure each precious moment that I had with you, my baby, because the day would come when you would would start to crawl, walk, even run; you would no longer need me as you do now. Time warned me that the day would come when you might talk back to me. You might stomp your feet and yell at me. The day would come when you wouldn’t want to hold my hand anymore, or kiss me in front of your friends. The day might even come when you would tell me you don’t like me. Don’t worry, I know you don’t really mean it. When those days come, I will look deep into your eyes, just as I did when you were born, and remember that my sweet baby is still inside.
Now listen closely, because this may be the only time in your life when you will listen to me without any trace of doubt in your eyes. You are amazing. Your features, so tiny now, possess strength and power. You are a tiny bundle of potential. I look at you and see who you are going to be someday—a shining human being. There will come times in your life when others try to make you sad; they may make fun of you or tell you you can’t do something. Don’t listen to them. You are the most glorious gift, and no matter what others say, you are and will always be amazing, incredible, wonderful, and most of all, loved.
Now our time together is almost through. I suppose this letter was meant for me all along. Who knew it would be so hard letting you go? So my dear, sweet babes, may the walls of this house soak up your laughter and ring with your life and vibrancy. Every time I feel sad or lonely for you, I will just hold my ear up to them and listen.
Life reads like a book, and as you start your first exciting chapter, I am closing the one where you have been the star for six years. So after four positive pregnancy tests, my belly growing and shrinking and growing again; after 42 combined hours of labor, and four life-altering moments that will forever define me as “mommy,” I am ready to say goodbye.
But before you go, let me lock a few things away in my heart so I can never forget them: the sound of your newborn grunts, your baby coos, your first laugh and the surprise in your eyes when it came out. Your soft baby skin, your silky hair, and the way I could stroke them for hours. The wrinkles on your tiny feet, and the jolly little rolls on your legs. Let me get one more pinch of those chubby cheeks and one more slobbery kiss.
Now together, lets open up a new chapter in life full of beautiful things to come. Always remember: you are amazing, you are wonderful.
You are loved.
–Mommy
***
When you know you are done having children.
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Heather Rebekkah =) says
THANK YOU! Reading this brought tears to my eyes, as I have been thinking a lot about it lately. My youngest seems to be losing her last bit of “babyness” quicker and quicker. Looking at her I think bittersweetly “I no longer have babies.” Though I am enjoying the new stages of independence my children have (because I still don’t know HOW I found the time to help them with most of the things they can now do on their own), I sometimes get nostalgic about the days they were tiny. I think it’s healthy to grieve what is gone, because it gives the opportunity to focus on and cherish what is new. But you better believe I take every single chance to snuggle on a cuddly little baby. Soothes my longing without all the diapers! 😉
Nicolette says
Thank you so much for your sweet comments. No more diapers sounds nice…;)
Deb says
Good timing. I too have had 4 in 6 years and know we’re closing the baby birthing book as well. I too am saddened at this thought as I would have 4 more if I were younger.
Feel blessed with the 4 I have but nevertheless hard
Nicolette says
I hear you! Glad to know someone else has had babes very close together too. Thanks for your feedback.
judith says
i felt that dread 2 years ago when i had my tubes tied. but for finacial reason we decied we wre done. guess i just have to look forward to spoiling grand babies one day
Betty says
Loved reading your letter. It brought tears and smiles reminiscing of the times my boys were babies. They are now 10 & 14. . A whole new chapter in their lives had begun.
Nicolette says
Excited for that fun new chapter as well:)
Missy says
This is beautiful Nicolette. You are so good at capturing feelings into words. Love this!
Suzie says
Just lovely!! I turned 50 last week and I “just now” had this revelation. My three children are all adults and I still think about when I will stop thinking about having another baby (I clearly haven’t gone through menopause yet!). I think I have to write this letter so that I can move on! After all, I can now start thinking about holding my grandchildren (ooo, that’s even more scary!)
Nicolette says
Your comment makes me smile. I think it’s our maternal instinct to crave babies. Thanks so much!
Tori says
This was beautiful to read. I had 3 children over an 18 year span and after my third I had a hysterectomy due to cancer and even though I knew I was done having children it was still difficult to know that I physically could not have any more. Beautiful words. Thank you
Nicolette says
Thank you so much, for your difficult journey as well.
Kathy T. says
OK – now I’m crying at work!! My babies are 25 and 32 and I’m CRYING….
Beautifully written for moms of all ages…
Mary says
My “babies” are 27 and 32 and I feel the same way. I still remember every single moment. I wish I could have had more children…..I am certainly grateful for what I have but this empty nest feels huge right now!
Auburn says
Oh my how I needed this! I too am a mother of 4, and my youngest just turned 2 this month. I feel certain that I’m done, and that my family is complete, but I still feel that sense of sadness that this chapter of my life is coming to a close! It is good to know that others share the same sadness! Although I’m done, and feel good about being DONE, I will miss meeting my new little babes for the first time, or finding out their gender, or snuggly those tiny innocent little bodies! Thanks for writing, and sharing your feelings so perfectly! xoxo
Nicolette says
Yes, that is exactly how I feel! Thanks for taking the time to read and sympathize.
Joyce says
Thank you! This was very timely. I have 3 beautiful kids and as I am enjoying the new stages , it’s hard to come realization that we are also not having any more babies. It’s been a privilege to have experienced this journey.
sarah says
I never wanted any two-legged children. I will stick to my four-legged furry kids!!!! Wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.
Joanna says
Sarah,
I am an animal person, as well. My husband says I should have chosen vet school over law school. He asked for a child, before I get that German shepherd and a horse, because he wanted to be a father. After 4 years of marriage and a lot of prayer, we’ve decided to start a family. We now have 4 children, the youngest is 10 months old. I still do not consider myself a “baby person” ad I still love animals. You know where you and I agree? I would not trade my children for my four legged friends. I know both kinds of love – for short people and pets. I think one can only compare things one knows/experiences. I am saying this with utmost respect for your opinion, because I used to share it.
One last thing – if you ever decide to have “two legged children” – it will be easier for you to raise them. I am successfully using dog training techniques on my kiddos. Don’t we all like to be praised? 🙂
Dog’s love is unique. Mother and child relationship is beyond description. Hence, reading about it won’t help…….Interesting, you came to this site 😉
Beth says
So glad we left that decision up to God.. I had my 4th and last baby at 41; that was 12 years ago. Although I had hoped for more, it was not to be.
Rachel M. says
We also know that such an important decision is not ours but God’s to make. It’s such a relief to know that He will give us the perfect amount and provide everything we need for them!
Kathleen says
What a beautiful gift for your children. And how blessed you are to have four little ones. I always knew I’d be a mom. I’ve loved babies as long as I can remember. It’s hard to believe that children were not part of God’s plan for me. I ache every day for that loss. Hold your children tight and enjoy each moment. Because something that’s such a natural and beautiful part of life isn’t gifted to everyone. God bless.
Nicolette says
I am so sorry Kathleen. Thank you for the tender reminder that the ability to have children is a blessing. I can tell you are a loving and natural “mother” to everyone you encounter, even if they aren’t your own children. Thank you so much for your words and yes, I will hold my children extra tight.
Teri says
that was so beautiful. I am a Grammy to 3 little loves, so I really know how quickly these precious moments flitter away. I am sharing this with my girls.
This brought me to tears thinking of my own babies.
Enjoy every moment!
Dawne says
Oh this hits so close to home. I too have had 4 babies in 6 years. My youngest is 7 months and my oldest will be 7 in May. I am currently struggling with the decision to have a fifth. Part of me wants to be done with diapers but I think a bigger part just wants one more. I can’t bear the thought of never being pregnant again and never having a newborn to snuggle in the wee hours.
I absolutely love this post but I just don’t think I’m ready to write my own goodbye letter.
Nicolette says
That is sweet. I think a mom just “knows” those things. Trust your gut! No need to rush being done if you’re not…babies are the best!
Christine says
Wow. I never cry reading these sorts of things and to date I have never posted a comment. I sit here teary eyed and runny nose and plan to print this out and personalize it to my two girls, 10 and 7, and read it to them often. Thank you :’)
Nicolette says
Thank you for your sweet words and taking the time to comment.
Shelley says
Beautiful. I would give anything to feel the closure you have. I had no idea my second baby (now 10 yrs old) would be our last. Unexplained secondary infertility took from me that closure I deeply desire. We planned to have 5-6 babies, but God said no.
Mamas…soak up every single moment with your babies!!
Nicolette says
I’m so sorry. You echo so many other women out there who weren’t able to have the family they planned. We all need to hold our kiddos close and consider ourselves blessed.
Mindy Ballard says
I have been feeling this lately I am 20 weeks with my 6th child and we think that it is another boy and I have 4 boys and 1 girl and I really wanted another girls before I was done having children, but I have had some complications with my last one and my husband thinks that it is the best for me to stop having kids so that I can still be here for all my others but I just have that feeling that I can’t be done untill I at least have another girl or my life won’t be complete. I just wish that he would understand that it is going to be harder than he thinks to just stop having children. Your letter really sums up what I have been going through right now and I would like to thank you for helping me see why I don’t want to stop having children and to contiplate weather I should stop or try for one more. I am glad that I am not the only one out there that has thought about this in a important part of there lives. Please help me understand..
Nicolette says
As a mother who has devoted many years to childrearing, it is incredibly hard to “be done.” And it is incredibly hard to describe that to others. I know what you are feeling. You should never feel rushed to make this important decision.
Lynne says
I always heard other ladies talk about how they “knew” they were done with their family, and I always thought, well, I guess once you know you’re done then that’s it and you move on. I had NO IDEA how hard it actually is and am struggling so much. We have 4, and with age and complications, it wouldn’t be wise to have another. And I feel like we’re done, but at the same time, I look at my 9-month old and I can’t bear the thought of him being the last baby I will ever have. I had no idea I would struggle with giving up the child-bearing so much! It just rips my heart out to think that he’s my last, but I know its the way it needs to be. But still, I’ve been surprised at all the emotions it has brought out. I guess, as you’ve said, the best thing to do is “grieve” the ending of this stage of life, and treasure my memories, and then pick myself up and move on to the next stage!
Nicolette says
That is EXACTLY how I have been feeling as well. Glad I’m not the only one and that it is okay to grieve. Thanks for your insights:)
Melissa says
Thank you for posting this beautiful letter. I always wondered if I would ever “know” when I was done. I was lucky enough to get 7 beautiful babies, 5 boys and then 2 girls. We are done and although my youngest is only 8 months old, I feel the little tugging feelings at my heart as she gets bigger and learns to do things. Never again will I have a newborn. To smell their heads and stare at their sleeping little faces for hours. Never again will I have a 3 month old who is just starting to find their hands and smile back at me. I’ve decided its a grieving process. While I am looking forward to no diapers (14 years straight as of right now) and maybe a few more mommy breaks, I’m scared for a house without baby things. The high chair, a crib and chunky baby toys. Even as she grows out of sizes of baby clothes, I tear up as I pack them away never to be washed and dressed on one of my little ones. I find comfort knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way. Thank you for sharing your letter and I grieve with you. 🙂
Nicolette says
Beautifully, beautifully spoken. My heart also hurts when I think of no more rocking chairs or swaddling blankets. Thanks so much for your sweet words.
Rebecca says
Reading this defiantly struck home, my oldest being 23 having him at age 16 down to my youngest 11 months old I have 5 total..my whole life has been my children I am struggling with the fact the I am almost 40 and done having children. However they will always be my babies, thanks for the wonderful post
Maggie Kol says
Happy to join this group
Tamsin Lambert says
This was so sweet and touching. I don’t think many of us mother’s anticipate until the time comes, how hard the decision to stop having (or adopting in my case) babies. Thank you for opening up the topic in such a heartfelt way.
Kathy M says
You articulated beautifully what has been in my heart as I watch my youngest enter her teens and my oldest contemplate her future after college. Though I have long ago come to terms with not having more babies, these same feelings continue with each new phase my children enter. It won’t be long now before I am done raising children and join the ranks of the “empty nesters”. While I look forward to my future, I always take pause as each new phase to say good- bye and remember. My children will do well in life, but I will forever look upon these grown-ups and play in my mind the sweet memories of the little babies they were once upon a time. Thank you for your beautiful article!
Arleen says
My “babies” were born in 1970, 1975 and 1977, so they are all “adults”. I am literally sobbing as I read your letter. I am going to write ones of my own to my “babies” for their birthdays. I try to tell them often how much I love them and their children, but, I think they need to read it. Thank you and I will write letters to the grands as well. My youngest, a daughter, has an email for her baby boy (20 months old) and I try to write in it every month as I’m not sure how long I’ll be in his life (my age). I think the email idea is a great one.
Elsa says
Really beautiful. A lovely piece of writing. But bittersweet for me to read as I never had the choice to decide when I was “done”, as, however hard we tried, we couldn’t seem to have more than one, which was heartbreaking, as the baby years (or months) was the most amazing time of my life. However, we are eternally grateful for our amazing wonderful daughter, who gives us so much joy. And I do feel lucky, as so many women aren’t even able to have one.
Patty Ybarra says
This just doesn’t apply to young moms but older ones also. I still think about 23 yrs ago when I was pregnant with my 4th child. That desicion was made for me. I was putting my life at risk and didn’t, couldn’t bring another child into this world and not be a part of that life. My baby is 24 now and I too still can smell the baby smells touch her and feel her wrapped in my arms. Now that my children are grown and have their own babies I have the boys of watching them grow as parents, their struggles of motherhood and feel their excitement with their babies my grandchildren. That part of life is over but look beyond the here and now. Look forward to the new chapter that lies ahead of us as grandparents. This is also a beautiful experience.
Michelle says
This is absolutely the most beautiful thing I have read thank you. Thank you! I am complimenting having one more I have two beautiful girls. But earn for another baby. Even though my youngest is 8 months. Enjoy your new chapter in life. This will and has helped me if we decide to keep our family at 4 or decide to be 5. You are beautifu writer enjoy your children.
Jackie says
Not seeing how the decision to stop having children after four should be so dramatic or significant. There are women who can never conceive, have miscarriages, never marry, never have the opportunity to have even one child. And the past, present, and future are not so easily delineated. Your child is always your baby in many ways. Physically, of course, that passage will have passed, but our souls are with us throughout our lives. Having four children is a blessing and to frame it dramatically as a sense of loss over a decision to not have any more children does not hold logic or spiritual understanding for me.
Yogi Williiamson says
Oh my you are just beginning to have fun! We have 3 teens, 16,17,18 years old and it is such a wonderful season of life . You see the fruit of your labor in teens and the wonderful young adults they are becoming. You see them following Christ’s leading while your role becomes more of a prayer worrier behind the scenes. Also, you can give more attention to the love of your life that you promised to hold onto and love til death parts you!
SHELLEY says
why areyou DONE?
Rachel says
This is a beautiful letter! I’ve had four kids in four years. Although I am not at the point where I feel like I am done (I would like to have one more, God-willing!), time goes by so fast and my babies are growing so fast. I am trying to slow down to appreciate these moments that go by so quickly. Thank you for sharing this lovely letter!
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