Disciplining children is one of my least favorite parenting jobs. In my ideal family—the one that existed in my head before the real ones appeared—everyone got along. All the time.
In reality, I’ve got four kids who are sometimes best of friends and sometimes worst of enemies. As a mom, I can deal with throw-up. I can tolerate boogers wiped on walls. But I cannot handle all the fighting, teasing, tattling, and prodding…it drives me crazy!
If you’re looking for a fair method of disciplining children that truly gets results, try the 3-strikes method. It has worked wonders in our home, and I’ve been using it for close to a year now. I love it because:
- there are no gimmicks or charts involved.
- It is 100% fair.
- Gives kids AMPLE warning before they get a consequence.
- Teaches kids that there are natural consequences to their decisions.
The 3-Strike Method for Discipling Children
Basically, a strike is a verbal warning for bad behavior. Every day, each child is allowed three strikes, or three verbal warnings before they lose a privilege. Yup, just like in baseball. It’s a metaphor my kids can relate to.
I decide at the beginning of the day what the special privilege is going to be, and it depends on what we happen to be doing that day. The key is, the privilege that they potentially lose has to be something they care about.
They Lose Something They Care About
By the time they get their first strike, I tell them the privilege they will lose if they get to strike 3. It’s usually something we are going to do as a family that day, like go to grandma’s house, go to the pool, or eat ice cream after dinner.
Here’s a little scenario:
My six-year-old is ruthlessly teasing his baby brother.
Me: “Buddy, that’s strike one for you. You can’t tease your baby brother like that.”
N: “Well, what am I going to lose?”
Me: Thinking about what we’re doing that day…”You won’t be able to go swimming with us when we go to the pool after lunch.”
N: “Where will I go then? I can’t stay home alone.”
Me: “No, you can’t. You’ll sit on the side of the pool in your clothes while we all swim.”
Now that’s serious business.
The 3-Strikes Method is 100%Fair
I love this method of disciplining children because it uses open communication between parents and kids. From the time they get their first strike, kids are aware of the consequence they will get if they continue to choose bad behavior. The consequence is never a surprise to them, and it’s never sprung on them. They have more than adequate warning time before they get their consequence. In this way, even the child sees the consequence as fair because they were given control over the matter instead of a rash consequence dealt out in the heat of the moment leaving them feeling blindsided and robbed.
The 3-strikes method also teaches children that there are consequences that occur from their choices. With strike 1, my six-year-old got his first warning. He was made aware that his teasing was not acceptable and informed what the consequence would be if he kept it up. Let’s see how the rest of his day went:
N: Knocks down his sister’s block tower.
Me: “Hey buddy, I need you to be nice to your sister. Build your own tower. If you knock down her tower again, you’ll get your second strike for going to the pool.”
Eight minutes later I hear crashing blocks and a wailing sister. Upon further investigation, my suspicions are confirmed. He just couldn’t help it; he knocked down the tower.
Me: “Shoot, I’m sorry you made a bad choice. I warned you about knocking down her tower. This is strike 2 for you. If you get one more strike, you WILL NOT be going swimming with us later.”
They Can Earn Strikes 1 and 2 Back
Because I believe in a repentant soul, I allow my kids to earn strikes one and two back through exceptional behavior. To earn a strike back, they need to do something beyond the norm, like make a sibling’s bed for them or give up their favorite toy to their baby brother, etc. It needs to be a conscientious good choice that they make in their own free will.
They can’t earn strike 3 back though. By that time, it’s just too late, like a convict trying to get out of the electric chair.
This teaches them that there are payoffs for their positive behavior. It also gives them a chance at a clean slate, which I think is important, and it’s another reason this method is so fair.
How do you keep track?
Like I said, I love this method because it doesn’t require any cutesy papers or charts. I can mentally keep track of each kid’s strikes, and you’d be amazed at how well THEY keep track of them for themselves and for each other. I’ve never had to write them down, but you can if you’d like.
You HAVE To Follow Through with Your Consequence
The crux of this entire system and the only way it will work is if you keep your word. If you say that little Jane won’t be able to go to grandma’s house if she earns three strikes then she can’t go to grandma’s house when she earns three strikes.
Even if she shows you those big doe-eyes, even if she cries real tears, even if she begs and swears she’ll do better next time. Just remind yourself, you gave her AMPLE warning and she continued to conscientiously make bad choices, even after strike 1, even after strike 2, and she just didn’t feel like earning those strikes back.
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is seeing your kid lose an important privilege, but you’ve got to stick to your guns on this one. Believe me, it makes a HUGE impression.
Strike 3 Gets Results in Discipling Children
Well, as you can guess, my six-year-old was on a path of self-destruction that day and things went from bad to worse. He didn’t want to listen, didn’t want to stop teasing, and didn’t want to earn any strikes back. By lunchtime, he had earned strike 3.
I think he thought I wouldn’t actually follow through. In fact, he went upstairs with the other kids to get his swimsuit on.
Me: “Nah ah ah buddy. You don’t need a swimsuit, you chose not to swim remember?”
N: Panic starting to creep up in his eyes. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Like I didn’t mean business. “I promise I won’t tease anymore! I want to swim, I WANT TO SWIM!!!”
This is where it gets tough, but if you want lasting results, and if you want the 3-strikes method to work, you cannot relent.
That afternoon, there was a sad little boy sitting on the side of the pool, fully clothed. But he learned a valuable lesson that day. He learned that his actions have consequences and that mom and dad mean business. Isn’t that exactly what we hope to accomplish when disciplining children?
Lessons Are Learned with the 3-Strike Method of Disciplining Children
It’s not always fun being a parent, and it’s definitely not fun being the bad guy. But with the 3-strikes method, you don’t have to be! It’s fair, gives kids the power to choose for themselves, and gives them more than enough warning and even allows for them to correct their behavior. And if you use it correctly, the day will come when your kids never get to strike three. That type of day is a home run in my book.
We know parenting isn’t easy, but there are lots of real life solutions that we have found REALLY work! Here are a few more of our favorite ways to handle the dirty work of discipline in the home:
Let’s Make a Deal: 7 Parenting Tips to Negotiating with Your Kids
Four Battles You Should Let Your Kids Win
Characteristics of First, Middle, and Last Children and How To Best Love Them
Krysten says
At what age do you start the 3 Strikes Method?
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
My kids are ages 7, 5, 3, and 20 months. My 20-month-old is still a little young to grasp the 3-strikes method, but I’d say by the time my kids were 2 to 2 1/2 they could get it. I use the 3-strikes method on all my other kids though and my 3yo is definitely capable of “getting it.” Great question!
David Cearley says
Better consequences that feel big when they are little, than consequences that are big when theyre older.
Nancy says
I need to give this a try, thank you for sharing what’s worked for you and your family!
Jennifer says
Any suggestions when most of the bad behavior occurs at bedtime rather than throughout the day? Also, what do you do if there isn’t something you are doing that today to take away?
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
Good questions. Bad behavior at bedtime can definitely carry strikes over to the next day if you want. Oftentimes, when my kids are fighting or not listening to me at bedtime, their consequence is not getting a story (which they LOVE). They still get their three strikes, but the strikes come faster. Is there anything special you do at bedtime or the end of the day that is a privilege you could take away?
To answer your second question, even if we’re not doing something “big” like going to the pool, I think of the little privileges that my kids love. This may be baking cookies with me, eating cookies, going on a family bike ride, etc. Sometimes I have to be creative and think of something on the fly, but one-on-one time is always a good one for my kids. For example, if my oldest keeps whining and whining, I’ll say, “That is strike one for you. I’m going to let each of you pick a board game to play with me after dinner (just me and them). Everyone who makes good choices gets 15 minutes with mom (or dad) to play their game. If you get three strikes, you won’t get to do that and will have to sit quietly in your room until we’re done.”
These are just a few examples. Hope that helps!
Laura-Kay says
I am definitely going to try this on my strong willed child. Thanks for Sharing!!
Genie says
Also I’m.
Marsha says
Good plan. My kids are long grown, but I remember it all! I especially like the warning. I never punished my kids for something they hadn’t been told clearly was out of bounds. It’s only fair.
Deniel says
My toddler is same .
Sandra says
I made something similar with my 3 boys, but the eldest (which had 5.5yo) kept teasing his brothers without issues, as he understood he could get his strikes back ! I dropped the method then. What do you suggest ?
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
My son is a big tease too. There are days when I don’t let him earn any strikes back. Kids are smart and know how to work the system. If yours seem to be using the “earn back” option to their advantage to keep doing naughty things like teasing, don’t let them earn the strikes back.
They still have ample warning (3 strikes) before they get the big privilege taken away.
It’s taken my son quite a few lost privileges to understand that we mean business. The key is you HAVE to followed through when they lose a privilege. For us, this has meant I stay home with my sone while everyone else goes with dad to grandma and grandpas and he “gets” to help me do laundry. Boring. He’s had to watch everyone in the family eat his favorite ice cream after dinner and he gets none. Sometimes it seems to sink in, and sometimes he’s back to teasing. We’ve just had to stick with it and find consequences that really mean something to him. Keep trying and make it personal to your son. Good luck!
Caroline Woolliscroft says
My children are all adults now, but i was using this sort of system when they were children. I believed in teaching my children how to make their own decisions and choices. As soon as they began to have likes etc. I would let them choose clothes, food etc; although within acceptable parameters. I would give them the choice of 2 items to choose from, so that they were suitably dressed etc, but they were actually make the final choice. Once we reached an age where the 3 Strikes system was appropriate they were already comfortable with making their own choices. The 3 Strikes system then helps them to learn of the consequences of their actions and decisions.
My oldest child has A.D.H.D. and was slower at learning the lessons of life than his siblings; yet even he, at 5 understood the warnings. Of course, like your son, he didn’t always make the right choices.
One of my fears for many children today is that they either grow-up never having the opportunity to make their own choices; or are given so much freedom that they don’t learn about the consequences of their actions.
Sorry about this rant, I was just so pleased to read your article.
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
No, this is great. Thanks for your insights!
Dani says
My daughter gets to 3 every day. This doesn’t work. Everything is unfair to her! This was the same thing we were told to do, given a book on it, and a video… Which is silly because it’s simple but apparently people make money off this. Every day she tries to take it back. We also tried a reward chart, didn’t help. She has ADHD & I wish someone had better tools because so far the 2 psychologists haven’t helped much at all.
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
Shoot, that is tough. ADHD is a huge struggle to discipline; I wish I had an easy answer for you but I hope you find something that works for both you and your daughter.
Ann says
ADHD is a bigger challenge for the parent but just think of that child who has it. Just keep on using the method, clearly explaining the expectation or bad behavior and then watching for it. If the child knows what is expected in a situation and knows they will not be allowed to act that way eventually they will control themselves. Children with ADHD are great manipulators even though they know what they are doing is not to be done. They get their own reward by doing the behavior regardless of the consequence. The parent’s job is to make the consequence significant so that the child who has just personally rewarded himself , feels the loss. The time span of accumulating strikes needs to be made much smaller. Rather than 3 strikes in a half day, make it 3 strikes in 2 hours or whatever time span the parent deems fit to work. Start with blatant misdeeds, concentrate on them, and make it a total concentration of the energy of the parent.
As a parent of 8, 3 being ADHD and also extremely brilliant children I know this works. All, are successful college graduates, 3 with advanced degrees. All are able to control themselves in situations that demand calm, respect, and empathy. It took alot of time and perseverance to use this method, but it does work.
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
Well spoken. Thank you for adding your personal experience with this method, and with 8 children, you are a very reliable source. Thanks Ann!
Cynthia Rilling says
Absolutely wonderful! My sons are grown adults and I used this method with them. Not only to make them aware of their behaviors, but also that I wasn’t pressured into being reactive all of the time. The “3 strike/baseball” method was easily understood and usually worked. I also allowed redemption, as I find it kind and motivating. Keep up the good work and ideas!
Angie says
Good for you for sticking to your words!! Your children will honor you all their lives and be a joy for you always.
This is much more lenient than I ever had. Oh how I wish I’d had the warning in my childhood. However, when I had my own children my Dad taught me to “say what I mean and mean what I say” and “anything else teaches the child that you are a liar”. There were no empty threats. We always knew exactly where we stood.
(He also said my husband and I must back up the other even when we did not agree – and settle it later away from the children. A united front also teaches children that our word is good.)
Today’s children deserve the truth. They need to know who is in charge. Good for you!!
Brittney says
We used to use this method with my fiancé’s son. But it almost never worked. He stopped caring about the privileges he was losing, even went so far to say he didn’t care about anything we took away. We realized it all boiled down to the discipline he wasn’t receiving at his mom’s house. He knew that he had stricter rules with us and his punishments always stood, but over there he could get away with anything because she just wouldn’t punish him. If we took something away it wouldn’t matter because he still had that privilege available at his mother’s house. This is a sound system, which my parents used with my sister and I, but with a split household it’s difficult when one side doesn’t uphold the same system. We tried a different technique when he started school this year that we finally got his mom on board with. It seems to be working, but like any 6 yo boy, sometimes he does tend to wobble back to his old ways. Those days are few and far between, though!