How to Raise Grateful Kids
Growing up, there were many instances I was convinced I had the meanest parents in the world.
- I was expected to walk the half-mile to school when a lot of other kids got front-door service. And yes, it WAS uphill, and yes, there was most often snow! Mean.
- On many occasions, I was told, “No.” No, I couldn’t have that new life-sized Kid Sister that,”Wherever I go, she’s going to go.” Mean.
- And while many of my high school peers got to spend their summers by the pool, I was flipping pizzas to earn money for college. Mean.
A deep sense of gratitude grew.
But you know what? Without my even knowing it, a deep sense of gratitude was planted in me and grew and grew until I finally understood how truly blessed my life was. I was blessed for having a beat-up old boat of a car because driving was a lot better than walking, blessed to have second-hand toys, because the alternative was no toys, blessed for having the opportunity to earn my own money and become independent, and blessed for having parents who loved and supported me and knew how to raise grateful kids.
Now, as a parent of three small children myself, I hear the M-word a lot. You probably do too. “Why are you so mean?” I try not to take it personally; kids love to test boundaries. There is an alarming trend of entitlement creeping into too many children’s behavior now-a-days, and when I see it in my own, it worries me.
Like Veruca Salt in that classic film, Willy Wonka, we hear all too often: “I want…I want it now…” Case in point:
My 4-year-old: Throws his toy into the wall
Me: “Don’t do that, you’ll break it.”
Thinks-he’s-so-smart-4-year-old: “Why? You’ll just buy me a new one.”
Oh, it is so time for a lesson on gratitude. In the long run, being the “mean” parent pays off. Here are 5 things parents can STOP doing in order to instill gratitude in their children:
1. Stop saying yes…be confident enough to say “No.”
Saying “no” to our kids can be hard. Especially when they are throwing an epic tantrum on the supermarket floor because they want that ice cream bar. Or when they threaten to make your life a living misery if you don’t let them stay out past curfew. But by saying “yes” in those situations, you become a passive parent and relinquish control to your immature child.
Set your limits, make them clear, and then stick to them. No matter how adorable those big puppy eyes are;).
2. Stop feeling guilty that you can’t give them everything.
Kids don’t need every single new toy, or need to participate in every single activity. We all want our children to be happy, and to have bounteous opportunities, but no parent can physically, financially, or emotionally sustain it all. You will not ruin your kids by not giving them the latest video game consul or private jiu-jitsu lessons.
Talk to kids openly and realistically about what they want and what is within your means as a family to actually get. Give them opportunities to earn the things they want themselves.
3. Stop playing the bigger and better game.
Resist that nagging feeling that you need to do things bigger or better than…last year, or the neighbor next door, etc. Just because you got your kids a trampoline for Christmas last year, doesn’t mean you have to get them something even better this year. Just because you threw an amazing birthday party last year, doesn’t mean you are required to out-do yourself this year.
*Note this Pinterest-UN-worthy birthday cake with arbitrary candy blobs, sprinkles, and a random Batman on top! And was his birthday still awesome? You bet! Probably more, because I had more time to spend with him than on an elaborate party.
4. Stop complaining…start voicing your own gratitude.
I once found myself cursing our old washing machine to an avid audience of two impressionable preschoolers.
“This old piece of junk!” I exclaimed.
Later, I heard my own words regurgitated while they were playing. “What a piece of junk!” my daughter exclaimed. I realized that if I want them to be grateful, I need to start voicing my own gratitude more openly and freely. Instead of cursing that moribund washing machine, I should have expressed how grateful I was that we had one, and didn’t have to wash our clothes by hand.
Say “Thank-you” whenever you get the chance. To fast-food cashiers, to your spouse, to your children.
5. Stop placing importance on things…instead, focus on people and experiences.
Things are just that…things. Inanimate objects with no life and no soul. Let your children know that what really matters cannot be bought instead of placing so much importance on having the most state-of-the-art television, or vehicle,
Spending more time with family and friends, experiencing life, instead of focusing on things will instill a gratitude that objects will not.
How to Raise Grateful Kids
{My “mean” dad above with my 2-year-old. Not such a meanie after all. In fact, my parents are pretty darn amazing.}
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Don’t expect changes over-night. Raising grateful children is a process that will take their entire lives. Vicki Hoefle, director of Parenting on Track stated in a Parenting Magazine article, “As nice as it is to think about having a five-year-old who appreciates and shows gratitude for everything, the truth is, parents can feel successful if they raise a thirty-five-year-old who embodies that grateful spirit.”
I just turned 32, so I guess my “mean” parents can pat themselves on the back now.
Penny says
Great article Nicolette! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Grateful kids are usually the product of having to work and sacrifice in order to recognize that things have a value placed on them.
Stephanie says
This is a great article. I am starting to realize that I do not have to give my children everything, take them everywhere, or say yes to everything in order to be a good mother. I can tell them no, make them read a book rather than playing a video game, and make a homemade cake (which taste better I might add) then buy an expensive cake from a bakery and still be a good parent. In the end I want to raise children that will be an asset to this world and the people they encounter. I want to raise children that will in turn raise their children to be good to others and realize that it does not always have to be all about them.
Tina says
Great reminder in your reference to the parenting article. We’re kinda like kids when we “want it now” even if it’s their gratitude. A great reminder to stay the course! Sounds like your parents did a fantastic job! Thanks for sharing your gift of writing with the rest of us!
Monica says
I couldn’t agree more! It is pretty easy to just say yes but it doesn’t benefit them. I’m writing a post on teaching gratitude, do you mind if I mention this post?
Nicolette says
Of course Monica, thanks!
megan says
Thank you for this article. It was good advice!
Byung says
I don’t know why but your post put me to tears. I felt accepted for how I was feeling. I always feel like “mean” mommy to do those things you mentioned but I am thanks to you. Thank you for your post.
Nicolette says
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes we all need a little validation that we are doing the best we can at this whole parenting thing.
Ashley says
Such great words of wisdom! Gratitude is going to be my focus word for 2015! That and saying “no” a heck of a lot more often.
Roxanne says
Wow. Your article just mirrored my childhood. I was taught to be an independent self sufficient young lady. I am now soon to be a mother of 4 and I am “mean” mom, but the reward to witness my kids actions and words blows all my doubts of being mean away.
Children are most appreciative when they are given 1-on-1 time versus any material object.
Heather says
I thought your article was very well written, I just had a really hard time reading and concentrating on it because of all the pop up ads. They even covered some of the photos while I was trying to look at them. I understanding how advertising works on blogs, so I am not trying to complain, I just wanted to voice my disappointment because it was a well written article that deserved my attention and I felt like I couldn’t fully focus!
Katie says
Thanks for the feedback. We appreciate your support. We’ll look into it. 🙂
Melissa George says
I too had a “mean” mom, and today at age 42 I’m so very thankful for her. We’re raising 3 boys right now 6,10 and 13. My husband and I are having such a hard time. I really appreciate what you said here. I really needed to hear this today. It’s so true. I’m afraid we have given our boys to much stuff and we’re crushed how disrespectful they can be. No appreciation, and it’s our fault! I’m trying to bring it back in. Wish I knew then when they were 2 what I know and realize today. Lots of prayers for us. Thank you for posting this.
Jessica says
That was a great article
Lynn says
Thank you for making me feel that how I tried to raise my kids was the right way. My 3 girls are awesome and grateful. I hope and pray that when they have kids they will say no and not worry about what others are doing. One thing going for us is that we didn’t have social media and cell phones. That has made a huge difference in raising well adjusted children. It won’t be easy for them. Again, thank you!!! Love the article.
Cheryl says
Thanks for the great advice. It is easy to give in and harder to say no. For the last couple years, we have followed a family rule that my husband and I don’t buy any toys, games, sports equipment, candy, etc. except for Christmas or Birthdays. So, if they want something, they need to ask for them in anticipation of those holidays. Of course, it can’t be an outrageous gift either. If they want new things, they need to work for the money to buy them – chores, earn money by dog or cat watching for neighbors, etc. They have to make the purchase themselves and think through the best way to use their money so they understand the trade offs.
Goldie says
I did just what the article says and was shocked the first time my kids thanked me for not giving them everything. My youngest was the one who came up with the big one. “Thanks for making me pay for university. I see my friends throwing away their first year by fooling around instead of working at it because they know their parents will continue paying” THAT was a biggie.
Cynthia T. says
Thank you! This really hit home today! We have been struggling with this with our nine year old son and seven year old daughter.
Steph @MisplacedBrit says
Your post is fantastic! There was lots of thought provoking tips to take home.
I had another thought however about point 5. Stop placing importance on things…instead, focus on people and experiences.
– I’ve read this many times, in many variations in various blog posts, and overtime I feel like there’s one little thing I’d like to add to this… Have you read the book ‘The 5 Languages of Love’?
The author, Gary Chapman suggests that one language of love is gifts, that about 1/5 of the population feel loved and cared for primarily when given a gift… It doesn’t have to be big, flashy, or expensive. It can be a daisy you picked on the way home, a little drawing you did for them at lunch time, the cinema ticket from your date with them – the point isn’t the value of the gift, it’s what it symbolizes – I love you; I was thinking about you; I care about you; you’re always on my mind; I wanted to show you that…
These kinds of posts are often written by people who’s primary love language maybe isn’t ‘gifts’; the problem is that it may be our child’s.
Quality time is another of those love languages.
Serving/helping, another.
Words of affirmation, another.
Physical touch, the fifth.
Your post is well balanced, I thought you might like the above!
I posted some thoughts about it at Christmas too:
http://misplacedbrit.com/parenting/5-love-languages-at-christmas/
Arlene@Nanaland says
I love your post as I was a mean parent and my youngest son is just your age. I grew up working for everything I got and even though we were better off financially than my parents were, my husband and I wanted our kids to know the value of hard work. If something was too expensive, I often said no or offered to pay half if they saved the other half. That often put a stop to impulse purchases. Thank you for making me feel better about being a mean parent.
Marie says
Mean mom here, and I can testify it works!
My now-27-yr-old daughter finished college on full scholarship, grad school at one of the top schools for her field, has just gotten her own apartment a little over an hour away from us, and is working as an occupational therapist. She worked very hard to get to here, and is now reaping the fruits of her labors.
Kids need to learn the world doesn’t owe them anything, and the place to learn that is at home. I quit my job as a secretary to be a stay-at-home mom, which meant we lived on a strict budget with only one income. I shopped thrift shops and end-of-season-clearance, we rarely ate out (never McDonald’s), themed birthday parties were at home with lots of home-made activities, big cardboard boxes became castles, we DID a lot of things TOGETHER . . . you get the picture. My daughter even felt guilty at Christmas when we asked her to make a list. One time she wrote at the top “I don’t want ALL of these – just whatever you want to get me.”
If parents would remember that they are their children’s PARENT first; the friend part comes much later. Children WANT boundaries and guidance, even though they might protest. The earlier they learn that “No” means no, the better off everyone – the child, the parents, grandparents, teachers, etc – is.
Just my 2 cents . . .
Oh, and it drives me INSANE whenever parents end a sentece with “OK?”
Chad and Amanda says
Great tips for us “mean” parents to remember. The most important one on this list in my opinion has to be for us to stop complaining and voicing our own gratitude. If our kids see us placing value on gratitude they will start too as well.
Thanks for the great article, we will be sharing it on our Facebook page!
Chevonne Coward says
Awesome read!!! I’m having the same challenges now and this could not have come in better time. ???
Sophie says
In 5 years I haven’t been told I am mean yet…. I wonder if this means I am doing really well or really badly? In any case, I think gratitude is very important and we all forget how good we have it compared to the majority of the world
Nicolette says
I think you must be doing things right! Thanks for sharing!
jennifer says
Great article! I too was raised very similarly to you – weekend chores before I could go out and play (including scrubbing the bathroom shared with three brothers ?) and spending my summer helping reno a house to help earn my car. Both of my parents worked hard, respectively, and I’m thankful for the example they set and the work ethic they instilled in me at an early age. As a parent now, it is hard not to go down the slippery slope of giving our kids everything. But I try and stick to the motto, “just because I can doesn’t mean I should.” If my daughter wants the new Lego set that’s $130, she’s going to save for it one allowance payment at a time. And I totally agree that while I love to throw a Pinterest-worthy party, it’s so much more enjoyable when you have a “regular” birthday ?
Nicolette says
So glad to hear I’m not the only one! Thanks for sharing!
geraldine says
i am a grandmother and loved your information
Jean says
Thank you for sharing. Sounds much like my own growing up and you are absolutely right on the money!
Denise says
Great article! So refreshing to see “real life” for once! That birthday cake was awesome by the way. I was starting to feel guilty that I haven’t yet stayed up until 3am for days before a birthday constructing a full castle with moat cake. This just reinforces that perhaps I may actually be doing some things right. Neverending mothers guilt.
Hannelie says
What an eye opener. Thank you, for making me feel better about myself! Great article. I do not feel so “mean” anymore.
Ang says
Thank you
Christi Brady says
What a great article! I have to say that this is how I raised my four daughters and they are strong, independent, intelligent, successful young women now. They are socially conscious, kind, and, yes, GRATEFUL for the things they have.
Nicolette says
Thanks Christi, your words are reassuring as I’m still in that “mean mom” phase where my kids are still young and learning. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
BHermann says
Terrific suggestions. My 35 yr old son thanked me for making him and his two siblings do chores. And everyone of them are good, good people. Objective accomplished!!
Nicolette says
Agreed! All the “hard work” I did as a kid has paid off immensely as an adult.