When You’re the Mom of a Bully
People often refer to a fiercely protective mother as a “mama bear.” I will never forget the way I felt after a recent visit to the park with my kids. I felt like charging at the woman in front of me and roaring until my vocal chords spasmed, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME! YOU DON’T KNOW HIM!”
In that moment, I was a mama bear backed into a corner with her cub.
The day was gorgeous in a fall kind of way when sunlight refracted through tree branches as their leaves molted to the ground. Children were running around the playground, climbing stairs, sliding down slides, and pushing tractors through tracks of dirt and bark on the ground.
I was with all four of my children and the older three scattered in a flurry. My youngest (and my hardest) hung back, surveying the scene before charging ahead. I’ve written about him before, he is a hard kid. He threw us for a loop when he came with a big built-in personality that was angry, intense, physical, and stubborn.
Before having him, I looked at kids like him with little leniency. They were a product of their upbringing, their flaws rested on the heads of their parents. Before having him, I was an idiot.
Now at two-years-old, he can still be loud and abrasive. He pulls hair and pushes other kids down, sometimes for no reason. Believe me, he did not learn that at home, and we address those behaviors immediately, but I am learning that his big personality in a little body is much more complex than I thought.
A lot of aggressive kids aren’t being mean for meanness sake, I truly believe that. I think they have some social anxieties and personality quirks that we just need to figure out.
Who is the mom of this bully?
That day at the park, my little guy bowled into a group of toddlers and grabbed a fistful of lovely brunette hair. The little girl began to scream and mothers ran to the scene, myself included. The mom of the victim snatched up her little girl and pointed at my little guy, her finger like a paring knife.
“Who is the mom of this bully?” She said the name like a swear word.
I never in a million years thought I’d be the mom of a bully.
I could feel my face turning red, the anger boiling inside and rising. She had me backed into a corner and this mama bear was about to claw. But by some miracle, I uttered a shaking apology and carried my little boy to a quiet corner and hugged him close.
The woman didn’t know, but in that moment, she gave my little boy a title that felt like a verdict: Bully. With one word, she painted a red letter on his chest and made sure that every other mom on that playground knew what my kid was.
Who stops to think about the bully?
There is so much awareness about bullying today. It is wonderful that we are creating a safe environment where all children can thrive and flourish without fear or intimidation. It’s a relief that my own children can go to school without the threat of being de-pantsed, or given a swirly, or having their underwear strung up the flagpole.
But who stops to think about the bully?
We attach that word to a kid and it’s stuck there forever. We label a kid a bully without knowing the full story.
That mother at the playground had every right to be upset that her child was hurt by another. But she didn’t know the full story. She didn’t realize that even small children can be born with demons inside. She didn’t know that every night and every morning my “bully” gives me the sweetest snuggles. She’s never seen the way he clings to his special blanket for comfort when he’s afraid. She didn’t know that he has anxiety in large groups and pulling hair is a coping mechanism.
Before pointing her finger at my child and calling him a bully, I wish this woman could understand that my boy’s innate physical nature is widely misunderstood.
We are working on more positive ways to play with other children, along with managing the aggression…those tips are below. But the point is, we can’t be too quick to label any child a bully or to judge his parents either. How can we when we don’t know the whole story?
Maybe that “bully” is just a hard kid and hard kids become great kids all the time!
Some helpful tips on handling aggressive children:
- Give them a constructive outlet for their aggression. Enroll them in gymnastics, tumbling, or something physically challenging that will channel their strength in a positive way.
- Keep their hands busy. Some kids are just born more physical than others. If your child is pushing other children or pulling their hair, they may just be looking for ways to use their hands. My son’s occupational therapist suggested having him do push-ups on the wall or furniture. One reason my son pulled hair was that he liked the feel of it—the texture of hair was soothing to him. We started giving him a fuzzy toy to hold and that helped immensely.
- Provide a safe place. When some children get frustrated, their anger escalates quickly and can result in aggression toward other children. As a parent, grandparent, or guardian, provide your hard child with a safe place he or she can go when they feel frustrated. This can be a quiet room or a designated spot when you are outside. Sometimes an aggressive child just needs to be alone. If your child is older, have a “safe word” they can use to signal that they would like some alone time.
- Teach more appropriate ways to say hello. One thing I’ve learned about my physical boy is that he thrives on physical touch. A lot of my son’s aggression toward other kids is just his way of saying hello. If you child is similar, try teaching them better ways to say hello, like touching another child on the shoulder instead of hitting.
- Tell them how great they are, all the time. This tip came from my brother-in-law whose mother says he was a real tough child. Every chance she got, she would tell him what a good boy he was. Over time, he wanted to be the kind of person his mother thought he was.
They are who we tell them.
Kids become what we tell them they are. If we tell them they are a bully, that’s who they will become. Labels are never good and judgments only fill this world with more ignorance and malice.
When you’re the mom of a bully, sometimes the only thing you can do is hold him close and whisper, “You’re a good boy, you’re a sweet boy, you’re a nice boy and I love you.” When you’re the mom of a bully, you can only wish that one day the rest of the world will see him as you see him.
This book by,Kathryn Otoshi is my favorite book about bullies. Period.
If you haven’t read it, you should – and then share it with everyone you love. I am not the only one who thinks so, go read the reviews.
If you’re looking for even more insights into raising those “hard kids”, check out a few of these wonderful posts from the archives:
To the Parents of HARD Kids…4 Big Don’ts
Parenting Tip: How I got my children to listen without ever saying a word
The 3-Strikes Method: Fair Discipline that Gets Results
Brooke says
All of my 3 boys could of been labeled this. They are aggressive, energetic and athletic they are boys that need to one day be men. They are also sweet, loving and super aware of others but don’t tick them off. Moms of mild personalities will never really understand what it is like and that is okay but don’t judge. Kids are kids and that other mom is the bully. she should of used it as a teaching moment for both involved, how great would it have been if she could of in that moment taught her kid compassion and how to make a friend. She also could of taught them how to stand up for themselves and how to resolve conflict on there own. Your son is not a bully!
Nicolette says
Thank you! It’s so great to hear of other aggressive, energetic boys and yes, we’re doing our best to raise future men.
JJ says
“Kids become what we tell them they are”
Love this. Thanks for reminding me!!
AnneD says
My daughter was labeled a bully in grade school. Talking with the mother of the girl she was bothering was one of the hardest, most uncomfortable conversations I have ever had. My husband and I developed a plan that my daughter had to find one nice thing to say about and to the other girl everyday. The teacher helped monitor and my child had to journal what she said or did for the girl. The idea was to bring a kind action instead of an aggressive or mean one. Like your suggestions the “punishment” was to find an opposite behavior to promote kindness that allowed my daughter to understand the power of words, practice saying them and to have the other girl hear the kind words and see that my daughter was trying to improve. I love your post because acknowledging that we have flaws and our kids do too, helps us all get better.
Nicolette says
I LOVE this, and love that your solution was not to punish, but to promote a more positive exchange. Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Rebecca Keppel says
If that mother thinks your little guy is a bully then I’m sorry to say she has some very hard times ahead. Your child experiences the world differently than her child and is learning social boundaries and do’s and dont’s. No amount of hair pulling makes him a bully. A true bully purposefully tries to make someone feel small to make themself feel more powerful. A 10 year old child at day camp this summer told my daughter that my daughter didn’t have any friends because she had problems and she should go kill herself. Now THAT is a bully. And even then, my daughter and I talked about what someone must have done or said to her to make her think it was acceptable to say something like that. A rough and tumble little kid is not a bully. Not by a long shot.
Nicolette says
That is so true. There are REAL bullies out there and they are the people who belittle others and try and steal their joy. Physical or aggressive kids often get mislabeled as bullies, but in truth, just need a lot of patience and guidance. I’m so sorry about your daughter. I’m not looking forward to my little ones encountering such meanness.
Judith Schmania says
10.03.2016
Thank you for your honesty. You made it easier to talk about a difficult situation. I think no child wants to be a bully. I think things happen in the brains of children with bully behavior, lapses at the synapses or some type of chemical changes that haven’t yet been identified. I think some children can with much support can learn to change problem behavior. Just love him, support him and teach him; and please continue to share.
Nicolette says
Thank you Judith!
Ivana says
Hi Nicollete,
I am very sorry to hear that your little boy’s been struggling to make friends and even more so that a grown up woman would then respond to a 2 year old in such a , shall I say, forceful and damning way. If its worth anything i do not think that your little boy’s responding in any unacceptable or overly concerning way. He is 2, on top of that the youngest, and he would normally have trouble expressing himself and do it in more meaningful way. Instead he responds forcefully.
His language has not developed fully and children that age may react out of frustration. I believe once upon a time we were more inclined to let kids sort things out and grow out of behaviours. Today we stress over normal things and overanalyse things. Hence anxiety is on the rise.
My gues is these behaviours will resolve ad your little boy matures and gains ability to negotiate his needs. He’ll always be the youngest and his older siblings will for years to come have an advantage of manipulating (for lack of better word) him into doing
things. I wouldnt stress too much about it
Ps i am a psych so i do know a thing or two about human behaviour and development. Enjoy your little boy. He sounds like a lot of fun to be around
Nicolette says
I think you’re right Ivana. And yes, since he is the youngest, he often has to fight or assert himself over his siblings to be heard to to get what he wants. I appreciate your professional opinion. Thank you!
Maks says
Really loved your take on the situation. My tough guy is now 13 and physical aggression is no issue anymore. He was a sweet but clumsy, I want to hug everyone toddler. Other kids misunderstood that need for touch and their parents wrongly labelled him a bully early on. The other kids banded together, made him an outcast and started to pick on him. My sweet, all smiles boy turned angry and started to defend himself physically against the group. Since he was a big kid although the youngest in kindergarden and elementary school, we had a really tough time. The judgement of the other parents was often hard to stomach, especially since they often didn’t know our son in person. I can’t count the discussions I had with some of them, always trying to make them see below the surface.
We worked a lot on clever verbal replies instead of physical reactions as he got older, made sure he got plenty of workout, got counselling and always make sure he feels safe and loved the way he is at home.
He still has a firery personality but he can keep himself in check much better. Unfortunately we still have to fight the real bullies who exploit his weaknesses. We know what a great guy our son is and more people who’ve known him longer now see it too. It still breaks my heart to see him struggle now but with constant positive motivation I know he’ll be strong enough to get through it all fairly unscathed.
Nicolette says
This is an exact example of my little guy. I know I can probably count on years of struggling and trying new things to see what works for him, but I love your ideas of clever verbal replies. It saddens me that the real bullies are still out there, but your attitude gives me so much hope for the future. Thank you so much for sharing!
Rachel says
Thank you for writing this! I have a son myself who is very similar. He is 11 now. The tips you posted are so helpful and do work! You are a wise women and the perfect mom for your son! Beautiful words brought tears to my eyes.
Nicolette says
Thank you Rachel, you are sweet. You are also a wonderful mom because I know how taxing parenting a tough child can be. Hugs!
luisar161 says
Thank you for this article. I hope many parents read this, I feel it would help them see that not all kids are bullies. My youngest is very “rambunctious”. He was always getting into trouble at his daycare. To the point where I was asked not to bring him back because he was needing more of a one on one type setting and they just didn’t have the man power for that. I took him to the dr and because he posed a threat to others he was put on medication, Adderall to be exact. His new daycare where he has been at for 10 months is more understanding of him, and they are so much more better with him and his situation. I am not an advocate of putting children on medication, but I felt in his case I had no other option. I don’t regret giving him the medication, I feel it has helped him immensely. Now people can see the wonderful little boy I’ve always known him to be.
Nicolette says
So interesting. I’m so glad you found something that worked. Like you said, now people can see what a wonderful boy he is. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Michelle says
You didn’t say if you disciplined your child after this incident. I have a son who was aggresive when he was a toddler. Having parents that didn’t put up with it, put an end to it. I also have a child who was bullied. Way too often I’ve watched mothers who should have been disciplining their child make excuses instead or just stand by and do nothing. I have little patience for bullies. Saying he or she is “just so much harder to deal with” than other children doesn’t do your child or anyone else’s any good. It’s just lazy parenting.
Nicolette says
We work on more appropriate ways to interact with other kids. He’s only two after all. Every time an incident like this happens, we first tell him, “No, that’s not okay. We don’t pull hair…be soft, soft” and I model how he can softly pat the other child on the shoulder. A lot of times, I remove him from a situation with a lot of chaos and take him to a quiet place. I used to be of your mindset, but after having this kid, I realized I need to show a little more patience and love towards especially small children who are difficult.
Lindsay says
I just read your post and it reminded me of an experience I just had. My friend is a single mom who had her son 2 months after mine. She works full time and he spends most of the week with his dad, Fridays he is at my house while his mom works. The last few months he has started biting my son. At one point I got very angry and told my mother I was going to tell her he couldn’t come back. As I prepared to give my friend this very difficult verdict I thought about my own son. This little boy has a difficult life for a two year old, I am an adult and it is up to me to show him compassion and try to understand why he is behaving like this. I decided to bring up the biting but that I would try and take a gentler approach. I am so glad I did. As soon as I brought up the problem I could see her tense; and the relief on her face as I asked for her help in making a plan with me to get ahead of the problem. It has been a few weeks now and together she and I have successfully (fingers crossed) ended the aggressive behavior. Having been the mother of the “victim” I understand circling the wagons. As just a mom, I can see that each beautiful baby needs love and direction to navigate a sometimes hard world.
Nicolette says
This is just beautiful. You get it. There is always a reason behind the aggression and I’m learning to figure it out, just like you. Thank you for sharing…your story solidifies my own.
Holly says
I can’t get past taking him away and cuddling him. He just hurt another child and got rewarded for it. This age of gentle parenting is going to be the death of us! Making excusses for bad behavior doesn’t help them change the behavior.
Christine says
What a weird response to a toddlers poor behavior. You act as if “Welp, he’s just naturally aggressive and people need to understand that him hurting another child is just his way of coping with anxiety”. Pulling hair is a toddler thing to do sometimes. He’s not a “bully”. However, you definitely had no right to feel all “mama bear” in a situation where ur child hurt someone. Apologizing was definitely the right way to go. However, ur toddler should have had a natural consequence to his action. If he could not get along with other children, he’d have to go home and try again another day. Instead you chose to coddle and reinforce the bad behavior. The world will not bend for him. He’s going to need to adapt in order to get along with others. You won’t always be there to “mama bear” or apologize. In order to keep him and others safe as he grows, he needs to learn now that it’s entirely inappropriate to lay hands on others, especially girls. Instead of making excuses, guide him with gentle hands, and firm but loving words. Also, if you continue to keep these labels on him, as if he were born a certain way that’s bigger and more aggressive than others, that is who he’ll become. As if he’s defective and born a “handful” compared to his well behaved siblings. There’s no labels at 2yo. Just a child learning to live in a world with others. Mistakes will be made, correct and move on. Stop armchair diagnosing the kid with “anxiety”. You are creating a problem where there is none.