How I Saw God’s Love in a New Light
FINALLY, OUR PRAYERS HAD BEEN ANSWERED
When I got the call from the infertility clinic that we were pregnant, I sobbed on my bed with tears of joy and immediately got on my knees to offer a prayer of gratitude. For years we had been yearning for a child and had several things working against us which made the odds of getting and staying pregnant very slim. We had already experienced several false starts and had invested so much time and financial means up to this point, so the stakes were high; and yet, I was so hopeful. All the stars seemed to be aligning and I felt certain that this was going to be it!
AN UNEXPECTED DEVASTATION
A few weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night (on the morning of Mother’s Day ironically) with cramping and hemorrhaging and I knew something was seriously wrong. We rushed to the clinic, only to find that there was no longer a heartbeat. I was devastated, exhausted and heartbroken. The loss was almost more than I could bear. It wasn’t just the loss of a baby, but the roller coaster of emotions that came with having hopes crushed, the loss of time and money spent in doing these fertility treatments, as well as the loss of trust and belief in God.
FEELING THE LIGHT AGAIN DESPITE THE DARKNESS
I felt so broken physically, emotionally as well as spiritually, that I closed my heart to God in defense. I was hurt, and angry. We were living in New York City at the time, and I remember that it rained for an entire week, which seemed to match my mood perfectly. For days, the sun hid while I shut down and tried to sort through the mess.
Then, one day I decided that I was finally ready to pray again. I got on my knees and sobbed as I prayed aloud. I don’t remember what I said, but I remember that after that prayer, I stood up and went into our kitchen and this beautiful bright ray of sunshine came right through our window and the whole room lit up as if it were on fire. I stood by the window and closed my eyes to feel the warmth that was both physical and spiritual. A renewed understanding of God’s love for me began to form.
ENLIGHTENED BY A NEW WAY TO SEE GOD’S LOVE
I knew and believed in God and in His love for me, but I began to realize that my understanding of God’s love was similar to that of how a child understands Santa Claus. I was certain that if I did the right things, I would be on the “nice” list and would get all the things I wanted! I had also grown up reading the scriptures and in them, there seemed to be promises given of prosperity to those who kept the commandments.
As I went through the refining process of healing after this miscarriage, I started to develop a more adult-like relationship with God. It became clear to me that, YES, we do prosper when we keep the commandments! However, often my definition of prosperity is not the same as His. Larry Barkdull mentioned this in his article entitled “Miracles Reveal the Character of God,” when he said,
“Our definition of deliverance is seldom God’s definition. We can dictate neither timelines nor terms. Nevertheless, we can be absolutely confident that our every prayer is heard and counts…”
Christ also said in Matthew 5:1-12 that it is those who are “poor in spirit, who mourn, are meek, who hunger and are pure,” that are considered “blessed”. Nowhere do we find in scripture the Lord saying, “blessed are those who live comfortably and have all the things they want…”
Looking back now, I can see that I am blessed because I know of a God who loves His children and loves them all of the time. I know of a God who gives comfort to those who mourn, who gives hope to those who doubt, who hears prayers from the broken hearted. I know of a God who allows a little rain for flowers to grow! I’m so grateful for the opportunity to see God’s love in this new light.