How to Have the Worst Day Ever
People often ask me for advice. They say, “Kathryn, my life has been going great. I haven’t been having enough crappy days. What can I do to have the worst day ever?” I’m not really sure how to respond to this because every person is different. There’s no ONE WAY to go about having an awful day. What advice could I give that would be universal but not horrific? Not everyone is prepared to do something awful or commit a crime in order to have a day like this.
The good news is, there are several small and simple things that nearly anyone can do to ensure a pretty crummy day. I hope these work for you. Enjoy!
1. Plan ahead – A truly horrible day really starts the night before. Stay up late playing Candy Crush or watching pointless shows on Netflix. Do not do the dishes or even soak them. Leave them out so they’ll be crusty and smelly and give you a whopping task to do or, better still, ignore the next day.
2. Stop moving, if possible at a cellular level – The more you move, the greater your chances are that something good will happen or that you’ll start feeling better. So, sit back, relax, and let your body deteriorate.
3. Do not step outside – You could easily come into contact with sunshine, fresh air, or you might even run into a friend. That would really take away from what we’re trying to accomplish here, so please stay indoors.
4. Do not focus on anyone but yourself unless it’s to compare yourself to them – This works best if you compare your worst traits to their best. This really helps dredge up those feelings of inadequacy. However, if you smugly compare your best to someone else’s worst, over time building up yourself at someone else’s expense will produce similar feelings of self-loathing, corroded relationships, and despair.
5. Don’t think before you speak – You might avoid saying something hurtful and that could cut down on your chances for unhappiness greatly.
6. Make a list of everything that’s going wrong in your life – If you don’t have a lot of things going wrong in your life, make a list of all the things that could go wrong. For example, if you have a great job, imagine what would happen if you lost it. The green space behind your house is zoned for commercial development? Make a list of the worst kind of businesses that could go in there. Strip clubs are a thing. You will probably have one in your back yard. Put it on the list. There are so many ways to borrow trouble from other people and your possible horrible future.
7. Keep looking – Keep a sharp eye out for things going wrong in other people’s lives, even around the world, especially things you can do nothing about. These demand your focus and attention.
8. Eat like a college freshman for maximum sluggishness – If it’s processed, sugared, artificially colored or dripping in grease, you’re gonna wanna ingest it. Avoid fruits and vegetables at all costs.
9. Do not help, serve, or uplift anyone else – It’s really easy to do one of those things, even accidentally, so be careful. Don’t say something kind. Don’t compliment her on her outfit or tell someone “thank you” for service they rendered. Don’t reach out with a call to someone who needs it. Even the smallest thing here can have an impact on your day and you really need to guard the mood you’re trying to create.
10. Be offended – People might not mean to hurt you but you can’t control their words. You can control how you react to what they say. Is there something they said that, if looked at in just the right way, could be hurtful? Yeah. I thought so. You should probably meltdown and sever all ties.
11. Listen to music that makes you anxious, angry, or upset – Silence is bad. Listening to uplifting music is even worse.
12. Don’t do anything creative – Creation can lead to joy, fulfillment, and even fun. Bad news.
13. Always assume the worst – of people, of situations. Almost any action could have a negative motive ascribed to it. Example – Someone offers your daughter a ride home from school. They just want to harvest her for information about your family so they can gossip about you. While someone might look at this tree and see beautiful fall colors, you can choose to see death, decay, and the end of summer.
14. Focus on what you did not accomplish today – Try as you might to avoid it, you will probably do something good today, probably lots of somethings. But don’t worry, you can destroy the effects of your own Awesome by simply ignoring it. Focus instead on all the things you could or should have done but didn’t.
I’d love to hear how these work for you or if you have other suggestions, please leave them in the comments section below. Sharing is caring. Oh wait. Maybe don’t share. Caring is not gonna help us reach our goal.
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