I know you just read the title and instantly doubt my sanity. “How I got my children to listen without ever saying a word” is quite the claim to make. Hear me out. Like most moms, I’ve struggled with my children & their selective listening. It never ceases to amaze me how they can hear the whisper of the word ‘ice cream’ from half a mile away, but I have to repeat “brush your teeth” fourteen times in my loudest voice while standing right next to them before they ever reach for a toothbrush. After endless hours of research & trying every strategy I have come across, I’ve come to a conclusion; there is no simple solution, no one perfect method for getting children to listen. A child’s ability & desire to listen is dependent on so many factors: age, emotional state, physical state, how engaged he is in his current activity, time of the day, etc. So, as parents, we need to be flexible & willing to try different techniques to reach their little ears.
There are times whispering works, other times physical touch while talking is just what my kids need. Sometimes a firm voice or a warning really motivates, but my favorite new trick involves using no words at all. So do you want to know how I got my children to listen without ever saying a word? Instead of speaking my requests, I’ve taken to using gestures. And I have been amazed by my boy’s positive response. I have concluded that this silent method is effective based on four reasons:
1. It’s new – like I said, it’s good to switch things up. Sometimes a little change is all they really need.
2. It’s like we have our own secret code. Little boys love the idea of anything mysterious & covert; it makes them feel like an undercover spy trying to distinguish the meaning of my nonverbal message. My oldest loves it, he claims our little signs make him bilingual in English & sign language.
3. Once they’ve physically laid eyes on you they can’t deny seeing your instructions (they can’t use that oh-so-common excuse, “I didn’t hear you.”).
4. They feel involved. Some signs were easy to come up with & more-or-less universal. Others took teamwork to create & identify. I let the boys come up with their own agreed upon signs for common requests at our house.
Some signs we’ve come to utilize in our home are:
- Time’s up: I point to my wrist (like a watch)
- Stop: I hold my hand up
- Quiet/inside voice: fingers to my lips in a hush motion
- Bedtime: I put my palms together & put them next to my head
- 3-minutes/your time is almost up: I hold up three fingers
- Brush you teeth: Mimic brushing my teeth
- Chore time: I hold one hand palm up (like a table) & use the other hand to make a scrubbing motion
- Homework time: Again, I hold one hand palm up like a table & I use the other hand to make a writing motion
- Clean up time: I cup one hand palm up & use the other hand to mimic picking up things & dropping them in the first hand.
- Get out the door/it’s time to leave: I literally shoo them with both hands toward the door
- Chill/relax: I make a wave motion with my hand
- We also have a few special signs of love & encouragement. These signs mean “I love you,” “Your doing a good job,” & “You can do it.” They are secret little motions I sign to the kids & they sign back when we are in busy places or far apart. It’s a sweet way to put some drops in our love buckets without anyone knowing.
I have noticed that since I began using physical gestures rather than words, my children watch me more. They are learning to utilize all their senses more. And they are a little more attentive. You can incorporate some of our family signs or come up with signals to meet your own parenting needs. Give it a try and soon you will get your children to listen without ever saying a word. The options are literally endless.
Learning how to really communicate with our children is a so important, but can be a difficult process! We’re here to help. Here are a few more ideas on how we can better connect with our kids:
Expressing Feelings through Chalkboard Speech Bubbles
Are you a builder or a bulldozer?
So You Think Swearing is Cute?
Shelley says
This post gives all sorts of warm fuzzies! <3 Such a great idea.
Sara Watkins says
Glad you like it!
Natalie says
Love❤️????
MamaMeow says
Ha ha! It worked. I tried it on my 4 year old son. I’m not sure it will always work but it did today. Thank you.
Sara Watkins says
That’s awesome! I love hearing success stories. Which signal did you try?
Maureen says
We use one to signal when it’s time to go: Circle the hand and then pull down (as if you’re blowing the horn on a train). It’s awesome for a public places when you don’t want to shout and have a lot of people to herd. My daughter and I also have a special gesture that we share. I can’t tell you it — it’s secret, which makes her love it even more. And sometimes, just a tiny nod or shake of the head does wonders to correct behavior. Awesome post.
Sara Watkins says
I love the idea of the train whistle! I just may steal that. And nothing beats having a little way to remind your kids that you love them without drawing any attention & potentially embarrassing them.
Susie says
The only kids I have are the ones that I’ve ‘adopted’ either thru babysitting or thru close friends, but I’ve used hand singles with all of them at some point – sometimes with their parents trying to figure out what was going on and the kids telling them that it was a secret language and that they didn’t need to know what was said! It’s also a nice way to talk to adults when you can’t speak directly to them. Just letting letting someone know that your there and that you are taking the time to “talk” to them can really change their whole day (and yours! :))
Charlotte says
Learn actual American Sign Language. You never know when you or your kids can use it later in life. I am hearing but learned sign at an early age and fell in love with it. Most kids signs are easy and fun to use. Lifeprint. com is a great place to start. So is aslpro .com. SigningTime is awesome for little kids! I have used these with all 3 of my kids and they all had what they thought was a “secret language” that can actually benefit them later in life. Have fun with it. It is an amazing tool!! Love your article!!
Sara Watkins says
Funny you should mention that, my son’s interested in ASL is actually what sparked our journey in to hand signals. We have learned a handful of legitimate signs but I’m hoping to teach him more. Thank you so much for referring those websites, I can’t wait to check them out!
Lezle says
Wow Sara! Awesome that you have a blog! I love it and will try your ideas! I feel like I’m constantly repeating myself! I look forward to reading more on your site!
Sara Watkins says
Hey, Lezle! I wish I ran How Does She, but no, I’m just a contributor. Your kids are the best, though! You should teach me a thing or two!
Misty says
I could kiss you!! Lol. Thank you. You are a Godsend…literally. Starting this immediately.
Mamoona says
Great ideas gotta try them!
Ana says
Loved to read this article!! I never realized until now that we also had that in my family. We had a lot of signs between us and we even learned with my mom this language that plays with words (adding syllables) so we could speak to each other freely. Also, we’ve never actually yelled when outside, my parents always used phrases like “We will talk when we get home”, which usually meant we were in trouble and should change to our best behavior so the punishment wasn’t so bad ahah
I think being able to express yourself with more than words is a very important thing.
Thanks for taking me back to some really fun memories! 🙂
Sara Watkins says
I love all your encouraging insight. I remember the “we will talk when we get home.” It’s a classic & so effective!
Rebekah Garboden says
Why not just teach them the actual signs for these in American Sign language. You didn’t create anything new, you just copied an language that already exists and are representing it inaccurately.
Sara Watkins says
I appreciate your opinion, Rebekah. I’m sorry, maybe I didn’t explain my intention clearly. The point is to have your own language to speak to just your children, not to utilize an already established universal language. The effectiveness of this communication method comes from allowing your children to create your own unique sign language & keeping it personal to your family. I did get the idea for creating our own family signs after attempting to teach my son ASL. Unfortunately, learning the language was difficult for him but remembering a few basic signals that he helped establish was just what he needed.
Megan says
I do this with my first graders! It’s so much easier to give directions using signs (some ASL, some that I created) ! The children are so excited that it’s just a “Room 6” thing, and no one else in our building knows what we’re up to- they love showing off their good “listening” skills to others! Bonus- I have fewer sore throats from not having to talk quite as much! 🙂
Sara Watkins says
That’s awesome! I bet you’ve got all kinds of good tricks for getting kids’ attention. I have so much respect for school teachers!
Humairah says
Really really helpfull tip for parents .I will definitely try this .thanks a lot♥♥
ceyda says
we have the same problem. I’ll try. Thanks
Jess says
What if they see you say it, but still don’t obey?
Sara Watkins says
Like all parenting strategies, it takes time. And there has to be consequences & follow through. Most of the time my boys respond best when I signal directions but there are plenty of times I have to speak up to get their full attention. Best of luck!