The changing of leaves reminds me that nothing is constant. Soon the streets will be filled with crunchy leaves and the trees will be left bare. I often wonder if the trees miss their leaves in the winter and if they look forward to spring.
As much as I’m sad to say goodbye to long summer nights, I look forward to the peaceful feeling Fall brings. This time of the year causes me to become reflective and introspective about my life. Perhaps it’s the calm before the storm with holidays approaching or maybe the aftermath of a carefree summer that causes me to curl up with a blanket, steamy cup of hot chocolate, and my journal. Perhaps it reminds me of the baby who was supposed to be born last October but never came.
I was ecstatic to be expecting another baby and was nearing the end of my miserably sick first trimester when we discovered that there was no longer a heartbeat. The pain of this loss surpassed any pain I had experienced up to that point including the actual physical pain of miscarrying my baby. My baby would be one this month. Although it may seem minuscule in comparison to some other experiences of loosing a loved one- still- I was devastated. I turned to art journaling to heal my broken heart.
What was so surprising to me was the outpour of love I received during this time. Like little rays of sunshine, I felt comforted by a pile of cards, packages, and flowers and treats that friends and even merely acquaintances gave me. They all knew me so well because I think I had about 6 boxes of mint Oreos delivered to me. And yes- I ate every last one of them. 😉 I was so surprised how many people I knew had gone through something similar and took a minute to reach out. Remembering all those times that I had felt the need to give a person “their space” or respond to a griever with “Let me know if you need anything” all seemed so empty and abandoning after this experience. Although, taking time for myself was important- it was amazing to feel the love and support of others and I vowed to always try to bring just a little ray of sunshine into someone’s life who is experiencing a loss of any magnitude. Even if it is just a note, a cup of tea, or freshly cut flowers from my garden.
Recently, my sweet niece Ivory passed away after just a 5 days of life. She too was supposed to be born in October.
In honor of my baby, my niece, and all of you who have lost someone or know of someone experiencing a loss-
this is for you.
I decided to ask several women who have experienced a loss of some kind three questions to help me understand what was helpful and not so helpful in getting through such a difficult time. Originally, I thought I would gather information and then write a universal list of do’s and don’ts from MY perspective. But after reading their touching experiences- they say it best. So, here is what they said. (Due to the nature of the subject, I chose to keep them anonymous.)
QUESTION 1: What actions, comments, or gifts stand out to you as being most helpful?
RECEIVING A NOTE: “I loved opening my mailbox each day and finding it overflowing with cards from people that just wanted to let us know they were thinking about us. What was written in the card didn’t matter. It didn’t have to be filled with long, eloquent thoughts or the “perfect words”- just the fact that they sent a card with their condolences meant the world to me and I still have every single card.”
A THOUGHTFUL GIFT: “I didn’t expect anything, but it brought a little light everyday to receive a little something from someone.”
TAKING ACTION: “Meals brought to me was always helpful. It was something I didn’t think about ahead of time and was nice to have it ready for my family. Also friends and family taking the kids for a few hours was a huge help.”
LISTENING: “I could talk to anyone and everyone about my story. It helped me sort my thoughts out and it was my way of dealing with it. I wasn’t expecting answers or for people to know what to say, it just made me feel better to talk about it.”
BEING AVAILABLE: “When my 13 year old son was killed, I felt so all alone in my grief. It’s been 16 years, and what I remember as making the biggest impact on my healing, was those friends that were not afraid to see and hear my grief.”
RESPECTING WISHES: “If a griever isn’t answering your phone calls, texts or emails…don’t take it personally. They need time. Continuing to call, text, and email doesn’t necessarily help either. They’ll get to you when they’re ready.”
Question #2: What actions, comments, or gifts stand out to you as being the least helpful?
DISAPPEARING: “Our instinct is to help immediately which is very helpful, however, once people have helped you once, they tend to move onto the next big thing happening in their lives. It was very hard for me to move on after such a big loss. It takes a lot of time and emotion to adjust to your “new normal.” Just because the funeral (or diagnosis, or whatever else) is done and over with doesn’t mean that the person it happened to has moved on.”
AVOIDING THE TOPIC OR PERSON (UNLESS ASKED): “I hated shooting the breeze with people who knew exactly what was going on but they thought it would be better for me to not talk about it. It made things awkward and uncomfortable for me.”
MINIMIZING STATEMENTS: “The statement, “He’s in a better place” robs someone of their right to grieve. Even if it’s true, he wasn’t with me.”
COMPARING: “Trying to compare situations felt like people were downplaying my grief at the moment. One of the worst comparisons made at the time (I have better perspective now) was the good friend who compared the loss of my son, to the loss of her dog.”
Question #3: After having experienced your experience- how would you respond to a love one who was going through something similar?
CHECK IN: “I would not be afraid to be with them. I would check in daily, weekly, for months, until I knew they had learned to live around their grief. I would accept them wherever they were in the grief process.”
DON’T WAIT: “My advice to others would be to NOT wait for an invitation, it won’t come. Just be there. Listen. Don’t try to make IT better. You can’t. Don’t give up on us when we seem so far away that you can’t see the old person that you knew. We’re still there; we’ve just been broken open, and we’re trying desperately to make sense of a senseless and often cruel world.”
DO SOMETHING: “I would DO SOMETHING. Don’t feel like your idea is stupid or worry if they’ll like it. Just do it.”
SHOW LOVE: “Love and kindness and SHOWING you care- not just telling is always the best I think.”
OFFER HELP: “If they have kids, offer to take them for awhile so the griever has some alone time to be with their feelings. The times I was alone, were the times that I was able to truly deal with my emotions. I could yell, cry, make an ugly face, fall to my knees, and do whatever I needed to do when I needed to do it.”
HAVE COMPASSION: “Once again, it depends on the situation. Love, support, compassion, service, thoughts, prayers etc. are all a great way to start.”
I recognize processing grief is different for everyone. Which means it is difficult to know just the “right” thing to say or do for each individual. But if I have learned one thing through this experience it is- that it is not so much about what you do or say but that you just do it!
I am in the process of compiling a list with specific ideas on what to do and we would love to hear from you on what was helpful for your situation! Leave your ideas in the comments and look for a follow up post with specific ideas on how to help!
xo
For full statements of these women or more thoughts about grief- you can visit me here or at: weedstowishes.com
darlene dame says
Cristi,
Thank you SO much for addressing this. It was written so well! We all know that everyone has their own way of grieving, which is why it’s a tough topic to analyze, but this is a great way to show what YOU can do. I never knew what to do when people go through hard times but now I have an idea. Thank you! Loved it!
Cristi Dame says
Glad you like the post- You are right-It is hard to know what to do. Everyone has such a different grief process.
Marie Bigelow says
Great post! Thanks for sharing your heart. I lost my dad in October, and this time of year always brings up old feelings of loss.
Cristi Dame says
Oh I am so sorry for your loss. Its amazing how seasons can remind us of certain things,
Lauren Reardon says
What a fantastic article! Thank you for writing on this subject so eloquently.
I have a suggestion for your follow up article of ideas on how to help/support. A touching gesture would be to write a favorite memory or what you liked best about the person who passed away and give to the person grieving.
Cristi Dame says
Great idea! It’s going on the list!
Nikki says
We lost our almost 4year old daughter, Callie, almost 7 years ago, and its always moving when someone takes a moment to share a Callie-moment. It’s lovely to know she is remembered by others, and seeing her through the eyes of others is awesome.
Cristi Dame says
Nikki- wow I got teary reading your comment-just thinking of how difficult it would be to lose your little one. I have a almost four year old and it hurts my heart to think about such a loss. thanks for sharing-I appreciate your comment about sharing moments like that about your sweet daughter.
Melba Johnson says
I lost my husband of 32 years on Feb. 25, 2011 to cancer. He was my world, my life and I miss him as much today as I did on that day in February. The trouble is that unless you have gone through a loss like this you don’t know what to do or say to someone. I thought I knew what to say and do with people that I knew had lost someone, I learned that I didn’t know anything. This pain does not go away in a few days, a few weeks, a few months or a few years. It is with you always. Maybe in time the pain lessens but for some it never does. You have to be there for them always and some people just don’t understand that. I know that in today’s world life goes on but for some of us it doesn’t.. My husbands family of 6 other siblings left me to deal with this by myself. Some of them were upset because they felt like they had lost more than I did with my husband’s passing. So petty and so disappointed to find out that after 32 years of doing things to try and please them I had to find out that they just didn’t like me. They would be surprised to learn that my husband told me that was going to happen before he died. He bet me it would be happen right away and I said it would take them a year or two. He was right. Bless his heart he was always right. He use to tell me not to put all my eggs in their baskets because I would get hurt. He loved his family but he didn’t like many of them very much. I respected that about him and never let him put them on the back burner because they were his family and I am not that kind of a person. I wish them all well but also wish them to remain away from me. One thing I have learned is you don’t need “toxic” people around you. I am better off without them after all. I just want my loving Michael back but that isn’t going to happen. My pain has not dulled any in the last 2 3/4 years since he passed. My prayers go out to all who have lost that special one in their lives. God Bless.
Connie says
I lost my 34 year old daughter just this last January (2013). I received a card from a friend that lost her daughter suddenly, that had this message that I appreciate. It tells it like it is–“You don’t ever get over it, you just get used to it”. It didn’t diminish how I felt, she didn’t say that time would heal my heart. I hurt and she understood!
Cristi Dame says
Connie- sorry for the loss.of your daughter. 🙁 No mother should have to go through that.
Thanks for sharing- love that phrase because it is so true- great thing to keep in mind. Glad you two have each other to lean on.
joan says
That is awsome. A reminder that someone else understands is very appresiated. I lost my 7 yr old son 8yrs ago. It is true time only help you get use to it. God bless.
Cristi Dame says
Melba- thanks for sharing…wow 35 years? I am so sorry. I can imagine how much you miss him. And Sounds like you have had to do some grieving without support from his family- extra hard. Wish I could jump out of the computer and gjve you a big hug. Virtual hugs from me to you.
joan says
I’m so sorry that family would be like that. Unfortunately I can kind of relate. When I lost my 7yr old son my mom acted like it was her loss. That causes such a feeling of lonelyness. You are so right. Its better just to keep toxic people away. God bless you
Linda G says
This was a great subject, so often not addressed…I lost my Mom the day after Thanksgiving, autumn used to be my fav time of year, I still love it but it comes with some bittersweet melancholy now, many people thought since my Mom was in her 70’s, that it wasn’t as big of a deal but I am an only child and I am still missing her so much. She died in 2004…
Cristi Dame says
Linda- Your mother means so much to you.-thanks for sharing. It’s true- it is a topic that doesn’t get talked about enough.
Lisa says
Linda, I too lost my Mom, age 73, just a week ago. The pain is still so fresh I don’t know how to even process it. It seems like they were older, so somehow it is expected as a stage in life, but as I am sure you know 70’s are NOT old, she was very young, especially at heart. Her Mom lived until 101….I assumed my Mom would do the same. I feel so cheated, and that my kids were cheated most. I am not sure what my point is, I just related to your post. I am sorry for your loss too. Also, Cristi, thank you for the ideas. It is a good post.
Cristi Dame says
Lisa-It is still hard to loose someone you care about no matter the age.. Thanks for sharing. Thoughts and prayers sent your way during this difficult time.
Missy says
Cristi thank you for sharing this – it is so hard to know how to help people you love who are hurting. I can see now it is simply doing something and not being a stranger that can show you care and help lift a burden a little.
Cristi Dame says
It is hard huh. But you are right- doing anything is far better than nothing!
Shelley says
This is the most beautifully written post. Really a treasure to have as a reference. Thank you for taking the time to address a sensitive subject.
Cristi Dame says
It was a difficult one to write for sure but has been on my mind a lot the past few months. Glad you liked it. 🙂
Kookie says
Let them know you will be there for them whenever needed and that you have not forgotten.
Cristi Dame says
Very true. It is important to still be checking in with them for a long time after their loss. The world begins to move on but they are still grieving their loss.
Wendy Z says
Thank you for writing this post. It is hard to know how to help a grieving friend because everyone grieves differently. I just lost my mom and at first I needed time to just be with my family. Cards have been welcomed. Friends came over and paper crafted with me while I finished my mom’s album that I had made for her, now containing mementos of her funeral. They also brought a bag of goodies to take with us on the trip down to go through mom’s things. Dear friends have listened to me talk about my mom and her funeral and have hugged me and cried with me. It is hardest to be alone, I find myself weeping, but maybe that is okay too.
Cristi Dame says
Wendy- Sounds like you have fabulous friends! I so appreciate you sharing. I love the idea of putting together a memory album!
michelle says
What a nicely written post. This is a tricky topic for sure. I have a few things I’d like to add. Is there an email I could write to, to keep me anonymous?
Cristi Dame says
Sure! You can email me at [email protected]
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for this. I’d like to add that much of this similarly applies to those diagnosed with serious illness as well. Those with the diagnosis are often in a state of grieving, grieving the loss of the way things were before and living many times in fear of losing their lives and leaving their loved ones behind. That fear can be all-encompassing and friends and family similarly have a hard time knowing what to do or say. The person with the illness often feels like they can’t be honest about how they’re really feeling and doesn’t want to ask fir help. These tips and ideas would really help in those situations as well.
Cristi Dame says
You are absolutely right! Thanks for mentioning it!
Mother of 3 earth babies and 2 heaven babies says
Thank you for this. When I was grieving the loss of my twins, family ignored us, sent us angry messages for not supporting other family members during happy celebrations, and to this day refuse to talk about it. They wont even ask what their names are or where they are buried.
My suggestion for anyone who has someone going through a loss, is to be there. If you cannot physically be there, send a note, a message, drop off a meal, just do anything to show even the tiniest bit of support. Doing nothing, is horrible. I struggle with the complete jerks family was and the complete lack of support almost as much as I do with the loss. Especially when they value the loss of another with such care, concern, and sheer respect for the family. It hurts, a lot. Be be aware that when people loose someone, you may not think it is a big deal, but who cares what you think. If it is a big deal to them, it should be a big deal to you to make sure they are taken care of. Heck, a single phone call would have made all the difference for me, a single phone call where I wasnt being treated like I was the person in the wrong. Just one.
Cristi Dame says
Wow that must have bee extra difficult! I love that you shared your thoughts. I can’t imagine how it must have been to loose your babies- not one but TWO! Virtual hugs your way!
Lorraine Tan says
I remember my mom always telling us during times of loss, is that each of us has our paths written out for us even before we were born. We could ask all the questions and wonder why but there is no right answer.
Cristi Dame says
So many questions unanswered when it comes to loss. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Brandy says
Wow it was by no accident that I came across this article when I did. We just lost someone in our church family on October 1st in a car accident. Someone pulled out in front of him. To watch that family grieve, wow that is the hardest thing. I went to school with the son and I knew the daughter pretty well and when I finally seen her she kept saying “It cant be true I don’t believe it This didn’t happen!” Oh my heart just breaks for that family. She wasn’t in good speaking terms with her parents….Made me go home and hug my kids and husband a little tighter because you aren’t promised tomorrow! Again thank you for posting this when you did because sometimes you just never know what to do, you want to do something but just don’t know what! Love them and cry with them. I’m lucky that we have an amazing church family who will stop their world in a tragedy of another.
Cristi Dame says
Brandy- that family is so lucky to have someone like you who is not afraid to “love them and cry with them.” I too find myself squeezing my kids and husband tightly as you are right- you just never know. Thanks for sharing. I am sad to hear about your friend. 🙁
Lynn says
Thank you for this wonderful post. I am so sorry that you lost your little one. I lost my first two babies within months of each other and it was made so much worse by the fact that everyone around me at that time expected me to bounce back immediately. All I was given was pep talks, “You’re young and healthy, be grateful!’ “Stop moping! You’re not ill.!” etc My mother-in-law even told me to behave myself because it wasn’t as if I’d lost real babies!!! And to top it all, I found out my husband was having an affair.
I think I might have gone under completely were it not for the brother of one of my husband’s friends. He told me that he had been so sorry about my babies but hadn’t known what to say, so he’d painted me a picture. It was beautiful, a seascape with a little boat sailing on stormy waters, but in the distance you could see a calm, sunlit sea. He told me that I was that little boat and he knew that when it was time, I would sail in sunshine again. He got me talking and he listened. He never gave advice but gave me something much more valuable, his unconditional friendship. He made me feel valued and cared for and was simply there for me while I grieved for my babies and my failed marraige.
I was definitely sailing for that sunshine with the wind behind me when he died in a freak accident. I was devestated, and now many years later, with an absolutely wonderful husband and two fantastic sons, I still grieve for everything he has missed in leaving life so young. He left me a wonderful legacy, though. The painting has helped me face many rough times, reminding me that I must take the time I need and to look after myself and not bottle up baggage, lest I sink. He helped me to understand what being there for someone actually means, and that with a bereavement, it’s the long haul, but it’s not difficult. You only need to show you care.
Cristi Dame says
Wow Lynn- thank you for sharing your story. What a beautiful idea of painting a scene like that for someone who experienced a loss. Miscarriage is for sure a grief that a person deals with on their own for a variety of reasons. I am glad you had a friend who reached out. It’s amazing how much something like that helps carry a person during a time in need.
Paige P. says
That painting is just what I needed, and I haven’t even seen it. Thank you so much for sharing your precious tender mercy and that man’s touching legacy. My fiancé just passed away, leaving a sweet 8 year old son, and a family that had lost their 18 yr old daughter just 2 years ago. It is very easy for me to feel so very lost and alone, without any direction, because my darling superman and his son were my everything, I planned my whole life with them, and we were so looking forward to our future together. I know that one day, even if its not until I get to heaven myself and to see him again, one day I will be okay, and I’m looking for that even sooner so that I can be the person my favorite 8yr old needs right now. <3
Holly Waterfall says
What a wonderful post. I am currently dealing with the loss of my baby that I miscarried about 6 weeks ago. There were a few people who knew the right things to say or do, but it baffles me still how so many people don’t know how to react or say hurtful things during such a sensitive time. Thank you for writing this.
And I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is truly unfair. Loss of a child is nothing I would wish on even my worst enemy. Many hugs and lots of strength to you.
Cristi Dame says
Holly- I know what you mean. It is amazing how good intensions of others can be so hurtful. I am sure I have been that person prior to having experienced it. Thanks for sharing. Prayers and thoughts with you through this difficult time. Virtual hugs.
Deborah K says
Thanks for being so open. I, too, lost a baby through miscarriage during the first trimester. It was my first pregnancy so I was overcome by the thought of NEVER having a child. I became very weak and dependent on a broken marriage (husband was a drug addict). I ended up with two beautiful girls. Had it not been for my first loss I would never have had my other two girls as it was with my first pregnancy that I learned I needed to be on progesterone in order to make it through the first trimester of a pregnancy. My girls are now 12 and 11 1/2 years old. I got divorced when my youngest was born and worked to find a better life for the three of us. There are days when I can’t help but wonder how differently life would have been had it not been for the loss of my baby. In the end the loss made me stronger although it took several years. I’d like to say that one day the grief will fully subside however I haven’t found that to be the case for me. Sending lots of well wishes and good thoughts to you and your family.
Cristi Dame says
Debrah- Wow what a beautiful story- thank you for sharing. I love that you had the strength and courage to do what you needed to do. I too am grateful to have my two boys but yes often wonder what it would like to have had that baby last year. Sending you lots of hugs.
Jennifer says
That was beautiful.
Cristi Dame says
Thanks Jennifer. 😉
Amanda says
Cristi,
Thank you so much for posting this. We lost our 6 day old son in April and it was the hardest thing I will ever have to endure. Everything you mentioned hit home. I swore that if I heard “he is in a much better place” or “God needed another little angel” one more time, I was going to scream. Like you stated “just do something”. Whether it is a phone call, listening, making a meal or simply providing a shoulder to cry on. They will appreciate it more than you know. The hardest thing now 6 months later is that everyone seems to have moved on and I am still stuck in this rut. No one will mention his name and people actually get annoyed when I just don’t feel up to making small talk and acting like nothing ever happened. Continue to support them because you n ever know how long their grieving may take.
Thanks Again~
Cristi Dame says
You are right- those words are not comforting. I hate that 6 months later it feels as if everyone has moved on. I think it’s important for people to continue to support even more so later on when all the flowers wilt and the cards atop coming! Thank you for sharing- so sad about your loss.
Katie Thompson says
Cristi,
I first just wanted to say that I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. I can not imagine the hurt you must feel in your heart.
Thank you for doing this post, I have been wanting to do a similar one on my personal and private blog just because I felt like I needed to get it out. I lost my grandmother this month last year and my mom four months later, this February. Mean while, I have had two miscarriages (1 at 12 weeks and 1 at 8 weeks).
Everything that you just said, summed up all of the feelings that have been trapped in my heart. Everybody grieves differently and in the most unusual ways sometimes, thank you for helping shine a better light on how to help those who are grieving. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Cristi Dame says
Katie- wow sounds like you have had your share of grief! I am so sorry. 🙁 Love your thoughts! Thanks so much for sharing- and yes keep sharing on your blog! People need to know!
Sharon H. says
This post hit a sore spot with me. I lost my husband 15 days ago to a massive heart attack. He died in my arms. I find myself so pissed with people who say “It will get better with time” Really? I am not in the future “with time”. I am here and I hurt NOW, and there will ALWAYS be a hole in my life, I may be less public with my grief in 2 years, but I am not now. That comment is so NOT comforting. I am actually getting angrier as the days pass, and more short tempered with silly people who complain about silly inconsequential things. If you don’t know what to say, just say “I’m sorry”. I have started to respond slowly to invitations for dinner, or come watch my kid’s ball game with me. That has been nice. I do want to talk about the awfulness, but I don’t want to talk about it all the time. Just wait, I’ll talk about when and as I can. You can look at me with empathy, but please not pity. I feel bad enough as is, your pity is not helpful or comforting. Last but not least, when people apologize for not finding out in time, or for missing the memorial service, don’t make me feel like I have to comfort you, I can barely hold myself together, I don’t have enough mental or emotional strength to comfort you too. Just say “I’m so sorry, I wish I could have been there” . Thank you for this opportunity to vent. The more I think about the stupid things people say, the more angry I get.
Cristi Dame says
Sharon- first let me say that I am sad to hear about your loss that has just occurred! I can’t even imagine! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Love what you said- it is so true on how insensitive people (mostly unintentionally) can be. Thanks so much for helping us understand more what not to say! Hugs your way.
Sheila says
My daughter, too, miscarried. While she did not carry her baby as long as you, it was still a loss. I hope everyone realizes that a miscarriage IS a loss and is grieved. The attitude that “well you can have another baby” does not mitigate the emptiness of THIS baby.
I have trouble expressing sadness to people I do not know well, although I still try by sending a card and, if they live close enough, with a dish of food–to at least let them know they are thought about.
Cristi Dame says
Thanks Sheila for acknowledging how difficult a miscarriage can be. Appreciate your comment.
Denise Faulkner says
So touching! I had a friend who lost her husband in a car accident years ago. She is doing well now as God has given her a wonderful husband to love and take care of her today. It is hard to know how to help someone you so desperately want to help. The first thing I did was to ask God what He would have me do…………. Well, a few weeks later she told me that her church was going on an annual trip that her husband had went on with her just the year before and she wanted to go but didn’t know if she could bear the memories of him being there. So she asked me if I would go with her. I went even though I was terrified because we were going white water rafting and I had never done that. I was scared to death that I was going to fall out of the raft. She assured me that it was not that bad. Well guess what? Yes, clumsy me did fall out of that raft! It didn’t matter though because I did it for her! So, I think we have to just put aside our fears whether it be a fear of not knowing what to say or a fear that says “I might mess up”. We all just need to know that someone is willing to be by our side and hold us up when we are hurting.
Cristi Dame says
Great friend you are! Thanks for sharing!
Marcela says
Thank you, I just lost my dad 4 days ago, -and Im feeling so sad, I live in other country very far away from my family. It is very hard to deal with this for me right now. I had really good friends and love them and helped to me and my family with caring love.
My mom is not having the same experience, I hope she is crying and cleaning her heart full of sadnes and sorrow. Love her,…my dad is free. We all know that! But still hurt. Thank you for the article. Love. Marcela
Cristi Dame says
I am sad to hear about your loss. it must be hard to be so far away! 🙁 Thanks for sharing.
Karen says
My loss is not a tangible loss but a very real one. The loss of all the babies I dreamed of having and never could. I always wanted to be a Mommy!
You watch everyone else having their children and everyone wants to know when you are going to start your family. Then when they find out your having trouble conceiving, “your young, you have lots of time”, “your probably better off not having children since your going to Africa”.
It is a lonely road.
Cristi Dame says
Karen- thanks for mentioning this. I have someone very dear to me who is going through the same thing. It has been a tough road and an emotional one-it should be acknowledged as grief. Baby dust your way!
MelanieH. says
Thank you so much for this! Very good advice! 🙂
Cristi Dame says
Glad you found it helpful!
Cathie Hawkins says
Awesome article! All the things said hit home…. My husband suddenly passed away five months ago leaving me with six kids ages 16-2! I have wonderful friends, an amazing family and perfect strangers give love and support! I find that the best thing for our family is to always talk about him…. My two year old talks about daddy kissing her, my 5 year old asks why he had to go….. We are always open and talk about it, even in line at the grocery store, my teenagers often remark, “he would tell us we should…..” It’s great to keep him with us in this way! We can’t question “Why”. We have to have faith that we will be an eternal family and do our best to be together again someday! I have also learned through this that it’s ok to let people help and ask for help….. I was told by a dear friend not to deny others their blessing of serving me! In return we have both been blessed. Thank you for helping others learn to serve through this article.
Cristi Dame says
Cathie- I got teary reading about your loss and what cute things your children have said. Such great advice and sounds like you have auch great strength!Thoughts and prayers sent your way.
Heather Linko says
The best things I received were memories/stories about my mom. After she passed it was a delight to remember her fondly though other people’s stories. The “new memories” are a gift I still treasure years later!
Cristi Dame says
Great advice. People are so often afraid of sharing or bringing up memories- so it’s important to know that it can be in fact helpful to share them!
Mary says
I lost my 23 year old son 6 years ago this fall. Every year is different as far as processing the grief. Each person’s grief is individual and they will experience it in their own way. What most stands out about helpful things that were done for us are:: friends who experienced a momentous tragedy 2 years before us, gave us a journal to write down who called, who came over, if they brought anything with them and just any random thoughts. You are in such a fog at the time it is very difficult to remember anything; now I use the same journal to write to my son; my neighbor came over and took care of all of our leaves in the yardr ( I would have just left them because I had no energy to do it) The same friend that gave us the journal still visits with us often and we can each voice our true feelings because we both understand. I realized after 2 years that people do not mean to sound cruel with certain comments,, they just want you to not hurt anymore. They of course cannot understand that the pain will always be with you. I can never “get over the loss of my beautiful son, but I can try to incorporate his loss into who I am and live forward.. Thank you for this article and the chance to speak out.
Cristi Dame says
Mary-Sorry about the loss of your son. Great ideas! Love the journal! Sounds like the pain never goes away but you learn to live with the pain somehow.
Caroline says
Not another sympathy card, they hurt. I know it’s hard to form the words but a hand written thinking of you means so much. I will NEVER send another store bought sympathy card. Please talk to me about my son, he was here, he is still loved sidestepping him or memories of him hurts. It’s ok to talk about him. You don’t know how much a hug means…give one….a heartfelt one.
Thank you for addressing this, no one REALLY does. Thank you again!!❤️❤️
Cristi Dame says
You make such a great point! Those cards can feel so cold. Great idea to put a little more warmth and personal message into a card!
Mandi Peters says
A dear friend of mine lost his dad this past Saturday morning and it was such a shock to their family and also to ours. We are very close and it broke mine and my husbands heart to see them hurting so much. They are waiting till next Tuesday to have a memorial because their family is is spread out across the USA. I thought it would be helpful to go buy paper plates, napkins, toilet tissue and plastic cutlery since they will be having so much family here this coming week. I can only imagine what the next few days and months will be like for them, but we wanted to make sure they knew we were thinking of them And there for them during this time.
Cristi Dame says
Mandi- you are a great example of just going out there and doing something! Thanks for sharing!
Shelia says
I lost an adult son to suicide. I want friends and family to realize and understand, that I am not the person I once was, and will never be that person again, so just accept the new me. And please do not tell me that my grief should be lessening, don’t tell me that my grief should be over.
Cristi Dame says
I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. One can never fully understand what it’s like to know what you are going through- it forever changes a person. Great insight.
Barbara Fiedler says
Hi! I worked at my parish as the secretary for quite a lot of years. A young man from that town was shot and killed in a jealous rage (ex-husband of his girlfriend), at the end all three were killed. The mother and father of the young man were members and friends. She came in one day about two months later to pick some materials up for a class. I said to her that although I has not known her son, so very many people coming into the office had told me what a wonderful guy he was and really were going to miss him. Most of them having grown up with him in the town. She finished up and left. A few minutes she came back in and was crying. She came around my desk and said, “stand up”. She proceeded to hug me for a very long time. Then she thanked me. She told me that no one would even say his name to her. It was like they were afraid that if they did it would bring her more grief. But she NEEDED to hear her son’s name out loud. She needed to know that he mattered to others. It’s something that we don’t think of when someone dies. That the parents, spouses, children, etc……they need to know that someone besides themselves loved their loved ones and will miss them also.
Cristi Dame says
Wow- great personal story and example! Love it!!
Sharon says
Thank-you for this opportunity to share what I was ranting about to my very kind and patient co-workers today. The more I think about it the more angry I become. I lost my husband 16 days ago to a massive heart attack, He was 51, and in great health, correct weight, ate right, etc. He died within minutes despite my cpr and paramedics best work. I have just been totally stunned and now I am actually pissed off at the stupid things people say, that they think may be helpful. I have some very specific suggestions to address this issue.
1. Do NOT say he is in a better place. His place should be with me. Spiritually I may believe that, but that is not a comfort to me now. . Had he been suffering and in pain I could perhaps swallow that, but I can’t swallow this for sudden death.
2. Do NOT say it will get better with time. Intellectually I know that time will probably dull the pain, but there will ALWAYS be a hole in my life. and “time” is in the future, my grief and pain are NOW. This comment is not comforting or even helpful.
3. Do not gaze into my eyes with pity. I tried to avoid the lady at church who did that to me on Sunday, but she barreled through the crowd to chase me down and gaze deep into my eyes with such pity, not empathy, not sympathy, but pity and deep probing questions about how was I and how did it happen? Had I not been in the emotional state I was in, I might have decked her. Remember this is not about her, it is about me and my pain.
Things that have helped me..
1. I do love the cards, especially with personal messages, some I read again and again.
2. I have appreciated the specific invitations to do normal things, because my life will never be the same normal again. Ask me to go with you to watch your kids ball game or to come over for pizza and movie night on Friday.
3. Don’t ask me probing questions about the details of his death. If you haven’t already heard by now too bad., I don’t want to talk about it. If I do want to talk about it I will.
These are my thoughts 2 1/2 weeks out after losing the best thing that ever happened to me. Please be sensitive to that pain. If you don’t know what to say, just say I’m so sorry, because there are no words to accurately or fully describe what has happened and how it will impact me, and my family in the years to come. .
Cristi Dame says
Thanks for your specific examples of what to do and not to do. It is amazing how much comments like that can hurt. Thank you for sharing!! Again- so sorry you are going through this. Prayers your way.
Polina says
Hello! Thank you for you emotional post. I can’t say proper words in your language, but this is so important what you have written I just can’t leave without a coomment. It is always hard not only to get through the grief, but alsoto be with someone in this situatuon. But you show that we should not be afraid – evetyone have right to grieve how they feel it and if you want to do something for them just do – you can make a mistake, but if you stay aside you’ll make it exactly. I know it before but this post has shown it for me again. And I wish you become in love with this season – maybe not now, but in future. Sorry for mistakes. Polina.
Cristi Dame says
Thanks Polina for your thoughts!!!
joan says
Thank you so much for providing a safe atmosphere for people to talk about their grief. That might be the most helpful of all.
Cristi Dame says
I just have loved reading everyone’s responses. Inspiring.
Ketutar says
I think you need to write another one: “Dos and Don’ts of receiving support and comfort.”
I don’t know anything about losing a child, because I have never been pregnant. I have experienced loss – and in a way losing a child, too, as I am childless against my will and wishes. I know that cannot be compared… but the truth is NOTHING can be compared to a loss another human being has experienced. The closest thing anyone of us gets is our own loss, and losing a beloved pet, losing a loved one not to Death but because he chose to leave you, losing grandparents because they died of old age… all those are losing and as an experience one loss shouldn’t be compared to another, and shouldn’t be put in order of importance.
The woman being offended, hurt, what ever she felt, when the loss of her son was compared to a loss of a beloved friend who just happened to be a dog, is one of the reasons why people don’t know what they should/could/would do in a situation like that, and choose to do nothing.
Saying then, “DO SOMETHING!” is putting us in a catch-22. Do or don’t, it will be wrong anyway. You really cannot say “do something”, after telling us “don’t do this, this and this”.
Some people choose to do nothing and try to ignore and act as if nothing has changed, because they would feel comforted by such attitude. It would make it easier for them to see and appreciate the parts of life that haven’t changed.
“My advice to others would be to NOT wait for an invitation, it won’t come.”
My advice to the people expecting others to comfort and support them without invitation is to STOP BEING CODEPENDENT!
If you wish comfort and support, say so! Send the invitation! Tell people what you would like to hear, get done, have help with, how you would want to be comforted, ask people to stay and just listen and be there, ask for a hug.
It’s so hard, especially us women, to ask what we want and NEED because WE are afraid of being rejected, being hurt, not getting it… so we wait and expect people to read our minds, and know what to do even when we don’t know what would work, what would help, what we need.
Especially when it comes to our husbands. So often we tell them “I’m fine, everything is OK, you don’t need to think about me and my feelings, it’s OK you go and do something else”, when it’s not OK and we are not fine, and all we want is for him to say “no, you need me, you are more important to me than my friends, my job, my hobby, what ever it is I’m asking if it’s OK I go and do” and hug us. And when he believes our words and doesn’t read our mind, we get offended and feel like martyrs.
Also, I have often experienced that in our mother worshiping culture, people tend to forget that there is a father who also lost a child. He is most likely trying to support his wife, because the culture and society tells us to focus on mothers. That mothers love more, that children mean more to mothers, that a loss of a child hurts the mother most. You should be there for each other, comfort and support each other in the loss that doesn’t mean much to anyone else but you two. There’s plenty of time to do that after children has been put to beds. What about laying in the bed in each others’ arms and crying together? So that you can wake up and BE THERE for each other and everyone else in your lives.
“He is in a better place” IS comforting to a lot of people.
It is comforting to me. One of the ways I deal with accepting the fact that I will NEVER be a mother, experience even a day of pregnancy, never will give birth to a child, never be able to watch a child grow up whom I know has been listening to the sound of my heartbeat from inside me… never going to look into the eyes of a child and see me and my husband in him/her… is knowing that I will never also need to comfort my child after he/she was being bullied at school, hurt by life, he/she will never be a victim of anything… my unborn children ARE in a better place. In a place where I CAN protect them from anything and everything, in a place where they will never, ever be hurt in any way. They will be in my heart, for as long as I live, as much as if I had given birth to them.
So when accepting support and comfort, you need to be able to step outside your sorrow and mourning for just a moment, to be able to understand, that even when someone trying to comfort you says the exact wrong words, the intention is more important, and she/he is trying to “DO SOMETHING” to express to you that he/she IS there and IS seeing your pain and IS NOT leaving you.
Also, “Our instinct is to help immediately which is very helpful, however, once people have helped you once, they tend to move onto the next big thing happening in their lives”…
That is also something that you need to realize, understand and accept. W.H.Auden’s Funeral Blues is so true and catches the emotion of loss perfectly… but life goes on. How ever much you wish life would stop for a moment, just for a moment, so that you can mourn in peace and be ready with it, it doesn’t.
And other people have lives too. Things keep happening. Life doesn’t take a day off to “respect” your loss, and shouldn’t, either. After summer comes autumn and winter, and after winter comes spring. After life comes death, after death comes life. That something big, huge, happened to you, doesn’t mean it happened to everyone. As you said “I was so surprised how many people I knew had gone through something similar”… What you are really saying is that when THEY were going through “something similar”, YOU were not there for them. You were busy living your life and being in the bigger and smaller events of your life.
My mother lost a child between childrens number 3. and 4. My big sister, number 3, remembers how it was to her. How she would have wanted her mother to be there for her, to have her in her arms, to nurture and care for her, but wasn’t, because she was focused on someone who wasn’t there. And my big sister was only 1 when my mother lost a child. My mother was a mother of three living children, of ages 1, 3 and 5. It’s only the youngest of those three who has said anything about the time. I don’t know how the elder ones experienced the event.
I’m pretty sure this is one of the “don’t” examples; “don’t make the mother feel guilt for neglecting her living children”, but I really don’t care. You are an adult. You need to be able to put your feelings aside for a moment to be there 100% for your children, and to remember that your sorrow is 100% selfish. Nothing wrong with that. Of course you need to mourn. But you need to find a way that’s not making anyone else pay. Not your children, not your husband, not the well-meaning people who don’t do what you want and “need” them to do.
Having experienced loss and still trying to accept that reality, I know there is NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO. There have been people saying the exact right words, and offering to do exactly the right things, and it might feel better at the moment, but is not doing anything to the sorrow, not really. The pain is still as acute as it was before they said and did what they said and did. Their words cannot give me back the person I lost. I still have to accept a reality that is so very wrong, so very dark, so very twisted, so very empty… so very much missing such a huge piece it feels I can’t go on one more day… and try to remember that all that is not true. The world is exactly as beautiful and fine it was before this person entered my life, and world IS beautiful and fine.
In the end there is only one “person” who can help, and that’s God.
I am learning to live a day at a time, and have a very thorough and detailed “to do” -list for every day, with things like “brush your teeth” written on it, so that I can just read the list and do the things, and not think, because if I start to think, I can’t go on. Life without this one person feels impossibly heavy and meaningless. But it’s not fair to all the people who are in my life, whom I haven’t lost, who didn’t leave me. So I brush my teeth, because it says so on the list, and think “God, help me, help me, help me…” I cuddle with my husband, because it says so on the list, and think “God, help me, help me, help me…” I do the dishes, keep the house, do my crafts, write my pages, because it says so on the list. And God does help me, help me, help me… And I think “God, thank you, thank you, thank you…”
And the people in my life keep living their lives and reacting on the events in their lives and offer me comfort and support, when I can’t stop myself from thinking and cry, because they are good people, even when they react more to the current events in their lives than something that happened to me 20 months ago.
It helps to remember counting my blessings and being grateful for what I have, and not ungrateful for what I don’t have.
Frankly, children are not harmed by seeing you mourn. Children are not harmed by seeing you cry. I was almost 15 when I first saw my mother cry, and over 20 when I saw my father cry. I was taught by that experience that crying is something “we don’t do”. The same was true with about all the emotions. Our family just didn’t do emotions. Joy was OK, but the rest… No. I had no what so ever experience of how to express fear, anger or sadness functionally or how to deal with emotions other than joy.
Perhaps the children need to know that “mommy is very, very sad, because she lost a baby. You ought to have a sibling, but don’t, because he/she died. But mommy still loves you very much, and is giving you everything you need, even when she needs to cry every now and then.” “This is the way people mourn”.
Cristi Dame says
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Looks like you have thought a lot about this topic. Everyone sure does grieve differently and respond to others differently- that is why it can be so tricky.
Diana says
Let the person that is grieving talk about the person they lost if they want to. Don’t act like they never existence.
I just hated that.
Cristi Dame says
Thanks for your thought. It must have felt lonely having others ignore or avoid you or the loss- especially during a time like that.
Sakura says
Thank you for your timely post. A close friend of mine is going through a very tough time and I have been trying to be there for her the way people were for me 7 years ago.
This reminded me of exactly what to do that makes a difference.
PS I have an October baby that should have been born next week but sadly won’t be, big hugs and prayers to you xx
Cristi Dame says
Thanks Sakura. I still really love this time of the year. Your friend is lucky to have you!
Cristi says
Thank you for this. I lost my husband of almost 10 years in 2011. We have 2 beautiful daughters together, now 5 & 7 years old. It was the darkest time of my life, yet a time when I learned so much about myself during my grieving process. I’m finally at a point to where I feel like I can talk about my experience and offer encouragement to other young widows. It is a journey that no one can walk for you, but many can walk along side you. God’s grace is amazing and thankful for each day He blesses us with.
Thank you again for a great post.
Cristi Dame says
Cristi- Nice name by the way :)- I love your outlook. “It is a journey that no one can walk for you, but many can walk along side you.” Thank you for sharing that!
Susan Call Hutchison says
While reading the advice to take the kids for a while, my mind flashed back to when my little sister died and I was one of the kids my aunt took to give my parents time to grieve. I have always felt a special closeness to this aunt, just because she listened to me when I wanted to talk about my little sister, and didn’t try to tell me what I should be feeling. I remember asking her, “If Nancy is in Heaven, why are we sad?” She just asked me, “Well, how do you feel?” No big theological discussion I didn’t need. Just making it okay to talk about my feelings. It’s been almost 50 years, and I still appreciate that moment.
Cristi Dame says
Wow Susan- goose bumps thinking of that aunt of yours. It’s amazing how such a small and simple thing as listening to a child can make such a huge difference! Thanks for sharing!
Marsha says
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings, I have been on both sides, but I still find it hard when dealing with some ones loss, I never no what to say, and I always cry when I try to express myself, tears always flow so easily, it really breaks my heart that someone has to experience such pain. This helps me and I Thank You .
Cristi Dame says
Marsha- it’s sweet that you care so deeply for others. You must be such a great support to your friends. Thanks for your thoughts.
Tina Perkins says
Thanks so much for this topic… I just lost my father in May.. It has really been hard and difficult at many times… I try very hard to be strong for my mom and sisters… I know we all miss him dearly, especially my mom… I hear her say alot that she doesn’t know where she is gonna get her joy back… They would of been married 40 yrs in June. Its all so hard and very sad…and somedays..you think its a bad dream…….anyway thanks.
Cristi Dame says
Tina- So sorry about your loss of your father. It has to be hard to see your mom and sisters go through that. Prayers and hugs your way.
theladykay says
What a great post! One thing I would add to the Don’t Do List–telling someone they should be “over it” by now. See the post I wrote on my blog about this strange happening.
http://theliberalladykay.com/grieving-and-anxiety-one-womans-journey/
Cristi Dame says
I popped over to your link- I am so sorry for your loss… I can’t even imagine. I do love what you wrote and you are so right-grief doesn’t just go away… such an individual process of learning how to live with the grief- not get rid of it. Thanks for sharing your story on your blog!
Megan says
i wish i had read this earlier. fantastic advice and exactly what i needed to know in order to be a better friend to tanner and dar. thanks for this, cristi!
Cristi Dame says
Glad you found it helpful! I think it’s hard to know what to do unless you have experienced something like it- but I found other’s experiences really helpful in knowing how to be there for someone!
Connie says
What helped me–When the funeral was over, maybe even a week later, everyone was gone and I was on my own without the constant support. I had a friend that called me daily for about a month to see how I was doing. I realized that I looked forward to the calls I felt that even though life was going on for everyone else, someone knew that I was still “stuck” in my grief and needed a shoulder to lean on.
Danni says
This is an old post but so thankful for finding it today.
I just lost my 15 year old son September 27.
Every moment is a roller coaster. My world has just suddenly stopped and went in reverse while the rest of the world is in fast forward.
I miss him every moment of every day. The nevers, the should haves and what ifs almost eat me alive. When guilt slips in I have to capture a good memory or write it down.
Teresa Bruce says
Cristi, thank you for reaching out to share what did and didn’t help you and other women you know in dealing with the devastation of loss. I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. Thank you for teaching with it.
I’m going to put a link to this article on my “What to Say When Someone Dies” resources page. Thank you again for posting this.
Kris Anderson says
Platitudes are not sincere. I especially hated hearing “He’s in a better place” & “It will get better with time”. He may be in a better place but I want him here growing old with me and our daughters & grandkids. That’s. He would have helped me make better decisions raising them & helped them have a better life than I was able to provide.
Although we were only together for 13 years, I still love him just as much as I did 29 years ago when he died unexpectedly. Yes, the pain may subside but it never really goes away entirely.
One of the more difficult things for me was that are friends seemed to slowly “vanish”. They just didn’t know what to say. Others need to didn’t understand I need to talk about him. He was always going to be a part of my life.
Although one needs friends & family around we don’t need to be smothered. My parents treated me like I was 17 again (I was 35) & needed them to help me with everything including raising my daughters (ages 10 & 2 at the time). I needed to raise them as close to the way (I thought) we would have together. In retrospect, it wasn’t like we would have together but it was the best I could on my own.
Thanks for creating this venue to help those of us who have list someone very dear to us & to help those love ones trying to comfort us.
Penny says
You are beautiful, I received no cards, no family or friends helped me through so many losses and even when I was months along and they had to remove my baby, or the time I walked to the doctors office when I miss carried by myself, no, no one helped at all, and now at 51, I am dying, and still not one card, nothing, just mother that never loved me, and my husband and children that are still in denial and a Pastor tat said well were all dying,, wow, so its been me and GOD and now, some beautiful people I have no meant but are sending love though internet., I have 3 adult sons 3 grandchildren and at times fill so alone, I have one daughter in-law that is so sweet, and one that no matter what I do she just does not like me, she was nice before she married my son and changed the minute the I do’s were said, unfortunate for me, she is the mom of my grandchildren, enjoy your baby, be nice to your mother in-law, I have been more then nice to mine, have given her whatever she needed just to make sure I was not being a pain, just does not matter. GOD bles
Megan says
It is better to do something than nothing. That is my motto, that I learned when I lost my baby boy who was born early at 31 weeks and did not survive. The article is great. I have a couple friends that still remember his birthday and still recognize it, even thought its’ been 5 years. While I don’t expect it, it’s so touching that they do. The beginning days are hard… I needed my space with my family. But after the funeral and everyone left, went back to work and school, it was lonely. I never blamed anyone – no one knows what to do – but I so appreciated those who checked in. Who grabbed me to come to lunch, or come make jam. I had a handful of people whom I knew would let me cry, who would listen when I needed it. I’m eternally grateful for those people.
Maren says
Thank you for the article. I lost my 22 yr old son Sept 1 to suicide and it seems to be getting harder now with the holidays coming up.
Katie says
I’m so sorry. Hugs to you!
Catherine says
When my neighbor’s young husband died suddenly, I walked her dogs-she continually tells me after 8 years how much she appreciated that.
2 yeas ago my husband died suddenly – occasional meals were nice, especially after the immediate flurry or activities and an invitation out for coffee or lunch is always appreciated. The two of us are also neighbors, and we periodically “check in” on each other- talking with other widows is comforting.
Kristin Ungetheim says
I’m approaching the two year mark of my parents’ sudden passing. I had so much support thru everything, especially the first year. In the haze of the grieving I may not recall the details of who specifically who did what, but I will always remember that something supportive was done and that action was very appreciated. It was also appreciated that others just stepped in and did something helpful not just say ‘let me know if you need anything.’ Thank you for writing this article.
Animal Lives Matter says
I thought that this was a great post and nearly all of the things mentioned in here, I agree with… except for the part about how it’s the worst when someone compared the loss of a child to the loss of a dog. In my opinion, dogs can leave just as much (if not more) of an impact on your heart as a family member. I think that I just felt slightly offended by that part since I’m on this website looking for advice on how to talk to my friend who just lost her 16 year old dog. I thought the rest of the article was great though, I just wanted to say what I had to say.